I have talked too much.

This weekend was spent talking. I feel like I have talked more this weekend than in the last few weeks. Of course, I haven't talked to who I want to talk to but I'm still getting past that. There are so many things I need to do before the end of the year and I'm hoping my emotional side don't shut down my production. Today was hard. Some days  you just can't shake of the feeling or longing to be with or talk to someone. A level of loneliness comes over you. Granted, I live with 4 other people and I have been on the phone with my 2 new friends most of the weekend  but my heart is still alone. I'm trying to figure out how to grasp what I already know; that I am trying to trick myself into letting go of many things that are hanging on to me.

You may think this is just about a guy or something like that and you wouldn't be totally incorrect to assume that but it's me. I have to let go of some of my ideas about my future, myself, my journey, that will stop me from proceeding. The more I think about the changes coming the more nervous I get. Families developing, careers changing, education and me getting my footing with my decisions for the new year.

Health wise, I have been having a difficult time. I'm not sick or anything like that but my focus on my fitness and nutrition has taken a back seat to my emotions. I'm trying. I really am. It's just hard right now. I'll be okay though. Even if I have to convince myself to believe that even though I don't feel it right now. Goodnight.

Don't Stop Your Own Growth

2010 is rapidly coming to a close and many people will start to take stock in what they have accomplished this year.

Is my faith in God stronger than it was last year?

Did I get the job I wanted?

Did I go back to school?

Am I healthier?

Did I find the man/woman of my dreams?

How have I made my life happier?

These are just some of the kinds of questions we tend to reflect on when analyzing our current state of affairs.  In all our questioning and reflection, we hardly ever look at the things we have done that may have hindered our growth. We lean more towards reflecting on the things we could have done to make things better. One way to ensure you change your way of thinking and propel yourself into a place of accomplishing your goals is to, first, be honest about the things you have actually done to hinder yourself. I don't mean dwell on them; just acknowledge them. Knowing where you went wrong or where you could have done something different will cause a red flag to go up the next time you are about to make the same mistake. Now whether or not you choose to make the same mistake is totally up to you but just make sure you are willing to deal with the outcome; good or bad.

It may have been a relationship that began or ended and you are looking at where you are in it right now. Did you have little stupid fights over nothing? In that case, what would you have done differently? Did you think all was well but it suddenly took a turn down a strange road and now it's over? In this case, what signs did you miss that could have told you it was ending?

Sometimes, things just happen. It's not that anything was your fault or that anything could have been done differently.  Don't beat yourself up about it. Maybe everything turned out better than you expected? Could you have made it even better? Who knows? All I know is 2010 held both happiness and sadness for me; discouragement and encouragement; despair and hope. I can reflect on this year and see that I trusted others more than myself. I doubted my ability to be a great woman. I minimized my external and internal beauty and I spent too much time in regret of all I had not accomplished. I had many many great days full of happiness and laughter but as always, the sad days seem to linger.

I cannot guarantee that 2011 will be full of only happy days but I will tell you this, with all my power, it will be a heck of a lot better than 2010. I'm closing several chapters and gearing up for new ones. I have written about the hope for my future and family, I still have it.  All the people I have loved in 2010, I still love.  I have realized that some of those people I have to love from a distance.  I have to love Tara up close and in person. Get ready! 2011's a comin'! 

My Future and It's Light

For the last 24 hours my heart and mind have been totally detached from reality but as always, reality wins and all is restored to normalcy. I want all wonderful things for my family and friends but I know that we cannot control everything that happens in our lives; even when we try to control them.

I am reaching for whatever it is God has for me. I want to strain to reach it because I see it and if I stop now I will never touch it. I think, to often, we place ourselves in tough positions then give up on our dreams because we say life is hard. Yes. Life is hard but we have choices in every single step we take in this life. You can choose to go left or right; do wrong or right; say yes or no: be up or down. WE CHOOSE! Doesn't matter how many kids you have, how hard you job is, how much you want or how little you have; you have a choice as to which path you take and whether or not you want to be happy or live a happy life despite difficult times. I'm going to be fine. I hope you all will be also. Believe you will and guess what? You just may.

Whitney Houston - Where Do Broken Hearts Go

Who Runs Your Life?

Dear ones, I just had a few things on my mind tonight that I wanted to share. This blogging is really helping me to connect the dots with a lot of my stray thoughts that seem to live individually instead of forming a collective front to better my life. lol.  But I love them, these thoughts, and all of this is a continued learning session for me. Who do I love? Do I love myself? Who are considered sources of encouragement for my life? Do I make my own decisions or are they molded by the influence of other people?

The last question came to me about 10 minutes ago and I had to log on and blog about it. I was watching a silly Will Ferrell movie and seeing his character was use to living his life based on what was allowed by his mom. As you can probably tell I was watching Step Brothers. Funny movie! Well anyway, she enabled him and he was never made to grow up until things fell apart with his mother's new marriage. Although the situations may not be the same, I just thought of some of my decisions as well as some of the choices some of my current and former friends have made based on pressure and influence from other people.

I have allowed others to influence some of my actions but ultimately these were my actions to make so I always take full responsibility but how many people actually feel like they have no other option but to succumb to the wishes of other people. Again, I must say that I, too, have made choices based on what others said I should do and family, those choices were a disaster. 

In high school, a friend planted seed that I hadn't even thought of, about a guy we went to school with and the more we talked, the more I looked at this guy and was like, "yeah, I think he's pretty cool."  Granted, he was a great guy and probably still is, but I was hurt behind it because he wasn't feeling me and I thought afterwards, "I am such a friggin idiot." lol. Had I just ignored her and didn't entertain her suggestions, WHO KNOWS where I would be now or who I would be with. Maybe I wouldn't be any different but one thing is sure, nothing is certain.

Later, after YEARS of being "good" and very happy, by the way, I had an idiot friend tell me that I needed to let some of my standards go because I just needed to BE WITH SOMEBODY. ANYBODY. uh...I went out with this guy I didn't really want to because he was just anybody and family, again, REGRETS! I was an adult by then so it's not just teenagers who go through peer pressure. Don't be mistaken.

Now my real question is how many of you will allow a person to alter your destiny or just influence you to turn away from your desired choices or maybe it's a person you're turning away from because you feel you have no choice? Who, among you, has felt your heart break because you felt you had to make a choice to appease someone else who just doesn't want to see you happier than they are? Think about it. If you are miserable in your situation and are in the midst of other miserable people, ask yourself this question, "Why am I afraid to be happy?"

In my experiences, I have seen people make choices for their own life because they would appear to be too happy to their friends and family. Well, to that I say, "ARE YOU EFFIN' CRAZY???" LOL! Let me share a tidbit about myself with you to show you how I deal with the pressure of other people wanting me to make my decisions based on their level of happiness. First, I do care about other people's happiness but I care about my happiness first. The two people I respect more on this earth than anyone are my parents. They had me. They raised me. They taught me. They helped to mold my character and I still will not make a decision solely on making them happy if it made me miserable. I make a point to tell them what I think and what I will decide about certain things so that they know that although I will take their guidance into consideration, ultimately I have to choose for myself and I do just that. If they don't like someone I like, I pay attention to their feelings but if I am not going to be with that person it has to be because I agreed with my parents and saw the same things they saw and not just because they said so. Operating like this does lead to learning lessons the hard way sometimes but most of the time parents are not influencing you negatively but letting you know how they feel and that I can respect. What kinda of woman would I be if I cut and run every time someone said

"No. You shouldn't do that.

You shouldn't buy that.

You shouldn't try that.

You shouldn't go there.

You shouldn't love him."

All I can do is hope that my fam (that would be you) really takes stock in what it is that truly makes you happy and hold on to it. If it's the right thing, time will tell, but if you just don't try, how will you ever know.  That leads me to this:


If you love someone with your whole heart and there are negative people in your life who don't want to see you happy, please be strong enough to tell them that you will live your life in happiness and love. Let them stew in their misery alone. You don't have to dwell with them there. Let's open up our lives to good things, people, experiences, and decisions that will enhance our lives. I love you fam!!!!

Children

 

Seems these days I have been surrounded by babies. I mean, they aren't attacking or anything but I sit on the bus and there are babies laughing and looking at me. I get on the train and there are babies waving and giggling and crying. They are everywhere. Now, every time I see a baby or small child I am both happy and sad. I'm happy because I love the excitement of life that children have. Unspoiled treasures, they are. Then I'm sad because even though I know God to be a God of miracles, sometimes I feel like I'll never be on the receiving end of this kind of blessing. I don't think it has to do with any biological clock but without getting into specifics I feel like I will never have children. Do I want them? Of course but sometimes I feel they are not in the cards for me.

The real truth is I just don't know what's going to happen or what God has in store for me but for now all I can do is watch the little kids and smile and pray that they are kept safe and grow to learn and love like they should. I don't know. I guess I have too many adult children that require my attention for now. lol...

It's just that sometimes I wonder if anyone will ever call me "Mommy" but until then I'll settle for "Auntie". 

I don't really get too sad over these feelings but earlier I was watching Tyler Perry's House of Pain on TBS and one of the characters, Janene was pregnant and went into labor and when she thought she was  having one baby, she had twins.  Yes friends, it's TV but I kinda teared up because it was beautiful and so many woman experience holding a little life that they can nurture and love; a life who will grow to be their ongoing legacy. Now I wonder, who will carry Tara into the future after I'm gone? The doctors haven't told me I can't have children but they haven't said I can so in the next month or so I should know a little more but I'm not worried either way. It's just that lately it's been on my mind and a topic of discussion among my sisters and me.  Boggles the mind but all we can do is pray and continue living. If I ever end up a Mom, what a great blessing but if I never become a Mom, my blessings will not be diminished one iota.  

Life still goes on.

I'm very honest in my blog and in general so many things I express here are simply my honest thoughts. I am not sitting around worried about not having children or what ifs. I am just thinking.

Kissing With Your Eyes Open.

Note: For any family who may read this...get over it. I'm grown. lolol. kidding. No, seriously, I am grown though.

Can you kiss someone with your eyes open? Well if the person you are kissing is someone who closes their eyes, sure you can. lol. Some people find it distracting and some may find it even a little creepy but some are just comfortable. As for me, I tend to kiss with my eyes open. I have NO idea why but I'm comfortable looking at the person. I guess it's my way of continually seeing how genuine people are.

For some people, intimacy is so private we hide it from ourselves. How many people do you know (including yourself) wouldn't dare open their eyes while they kiss, have sex in the daytime or with the lights on because of some insecurity or fear of actually seeing the other person, just seeing themselves or being seen?  The actuality of physically being vulnerable transfers to a psychological vulnerabilty that some people are afraid to confront. I'm not a psychologist or even remotely anyone who can or even should give councel to anyone regarding relationships, intimacy or sex but I'm just a regular person with some curiosity and personal perspectives on these topics that may make someone think the same as the perspectives of others give me reason to dig into my thought process.  If you don't normally open your eyes when you kiss someone, open them the next time. lol...

Not that I have kissed a fleet of men but here are some of the things I've seen. lol...Lord, Have Mercy. lol 

• I have seen someone so focused on his objective that you can actually see him mentally guiding his every action.
• I have seen someone who tried to prove he was a great kisser that I damn near pulled away and said "Really???"
• I have seen someone's tongue come for me before his lips did!!! EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!! LOL
• I have seen someone relaxed and let the moment be what it was; A moment of pure connection. He even opened his eyes a little. It was a feeling of searching. Almost like a secondary communication aside from the physical act going on at the time.

To look into someone's eyes while you're kissing may sound strange but it could be a great part of establishing intimacy. A man or woman who are afraid, unwilling or simple can't open their eyes during a kiss seems, to me, to wonder, 'what are you afraid of?' lol

Well, if I ever kiss someone again I'll do it with my eyes completely closed to see how it feels. I don't know. It's not like I stand there staring at the person but it's just something that was on my mind. 

Now...Imma go kiss someone.  I hope I don't get arrested. (fingers crossed) 

Monday

I don't feel good today.  :o( Going back to bed.

WELCOME TO THE FIRST INSTALLMENT OF TARA: 30 SOMETHING, SINGLE IN THE CITY AND DISGUSTED

Now you all know that the blog show will be named something else tomorrow. lol  okay heeeeeeeeeeeere we go!



O. M. FRIGGIN' G.

So I was, understandably, upset. First, because I thought I would have some time off but nope. Well that is a blessing though because I would have been off without pay so at least I'll have income. Now, secondly, I'm standing in the rain, waiting for the bus and a group of us are standing together talking trash about Metro and as the older gentleman is talking I look at the rain falling. Thank God for the rain. Have you ever tried to focus on individual drops as it poured? It's impossible but if you try it appears that the speed of the rain falling almost slows down. It's pretty awesome. ANYWAY, BACK TO THE STORY.

I'm standing at the Metro waiting for the bus and I listen to this young man walk up to a girl standing next to me waiting for her bus also and he starts with "How are you doing? My name is ....." and that's not bad because normally the men don't bother to introduce themselves. They are talking a little and I hear him say "Do you have a Facebook page?" and I thought to myself, 'self. WOW. we don't even ask for numbers anymore. Just "friend" me on FB. lol. I thought that was funny but on with my portion of events.

As we waited 45 minutes for a bus that was due within the first 5 minutes of us standing there, finally it arrives so a crowd of people run across the street and get on the bus. As the rain comes down even harder, I'm on the bus now and there is a line of people waiting in the rain to get on as this lady decides to stop and put money on her card, holding up the line therefore, making the people stand in the rain. 45 MINUTES AT THE METRO STATION AND SHE COULDN'T GO TO A MACHINE IN THE STATION TO DO THAT???? HUMPH! SOME PEOPLE.

Well one of the guys get on and he seems to be a jokester but says something to me and says hello as he goes to the back of the bus. I did speak but just sat and waited to go. His friend, an older gentleman sat across from me so he came back and sat across from me. I tried to act like I wasn't listening to them talking about me when the friend said "Yeah, we're talking about you." lol...They were saying I was attractive and I was trying not to laugh but couldn't help it. No, I wasn't blushing. I was, straight up, laughing. The jokester asked my name then introduced himself, "Hi, My name is Charles." and extended his hand. I shook it. The friend says, "if I was a few  years younger I'd give you a run for your money." To myself I though, "Sir, please give  him a run for his money. You're not that old." lol
Charles and I chat a little and he ask for my number. OF COURSE I HESITATE! He then gives me his number and was about to get off so I gave him my number. Not the cell though. That's a bit much if I don't like you. lol. But I gave him one of my numbers.

Side Note:  I have had people call and call and call and call...even after telling them I was no longer interested...and call and call and call some more. GEEZ! TAKE A HINT, WILL YA?!

RESUMING STORY:
Charles and  his friend get off and they wave goodbye to me and the guy sitting to my right says "so what was the last 2 numbers?"

I said "WHAT??? HOW ARE YOU HIJACKING SOMEONE'S NUMBER???" He said I have your name, Tara, I just need the last 2 numbers." I said "That was for him. How do you figure I want to give you my number? No." Then he says "I have most of it. I must be into you if I have this much." and proceeds to try to convince me to give him the number. I say "no." Family, why did this clown, and when I say that, if you'd seen him...you would know I'm not lying, go on to say what he can do and what he can buy right now and what he can spend. I look at him with the shrug and hands up like "What is that suppose to mean?" so he says "Why did you do that?' and I say "What is that suppose to mean?" lol...

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT...pause for even more comic relief.

He says, I can dial all the numbers. I have unlimited." LOVED ONES...His phone looked like it will break if you answered it too fast. lol.

We're almost to the end. lol

This jackleg fool, then says (as he sits their rubbing his crotch....like REALLY THOUGH?????) "I can buy you anything you want right now. I know I can do more than him." I then say "and telling someone that is not impressive. Not to me anyway." I ring the bell and say goodnight and get off. Once I was off the bus, in the down pour, I realized, I'd gotten off a stop too early. I just had to get away from that awful mess of a man.

And Family, this is why I, at 36 years old, hate interacting with guys and most of the time I don't even attempt to chat with some of them. remind me loved ones, the next time I'm out in public and a man says anything to me

"RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
UUUUUUUUUUUU
UUUUUUUUUUUUU
UUUUUUUUNNNNNNNN


LIKE HELLLLL!

Men who take the Metro and try to talk to a woman call us stuck up for not wanting to talk to you at the metro. THIS IS WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY WE DON'T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Good night. lololol

MOVIE MANIA!!!!

Okay so there are a LOT of movies I didn't get a chance to see this summer. I know, I'm just as surprised as you are. I have decided that for the next 30 days I'm going to catch each movie I hadn't see. If they are out of the movies then I'll catch them when they hit Direct TV. lol. I have done this  before where I went to the movies almost everyday for a month but to my defense, I didn't have a tv at my apartment and my friends at the time, sucked. lol. In 30 days I'll tell you guys what I saw. lol. Can't wait. and the first movie begins tomorrow at 6pm. Let the fun begin!!! Hey, I may even throw in a few stage plays and live music sets in there.

I am not going to be a murderer.

Okay, so I don't mean murderer of the physical being but a murderer of blessings, dreams and destiny. We tend to look at our lives and wonder why we are not living a prosperous life and one reason for that is we are not adhering to the guidelines God has set up for us to follow in order to live in the land of plenty instead of (as Pastor Joyce Meyers says) living in the "land of even". The words we speak have the power to breathe life into a situation or it may bring forth its demise. I am a living testimony to how words can spring forth remarkable blessings but unfortunately, I am also a testimony to the fact that when you speak negative words into a situation, the situation absorbs the negativity and soon withers because there is not life force to help it grow. Disparaging words cannot bring forth a harvest. I have learned that in order to reap the rewards of a great and prosperous harvest you, first, have to plant the seed and then after the seed has been planted you have to create the nurturing and proper conditions for the seed to grow.




I like to be a positive person and most of the time I, sincerely, am. I have to confess, though, that with all the positivity I try to encourage others to have, I now see where I have been the source of death for blessings that God wanted for me and I forfeited them.



I joke and kid sometimes and my friends and family know me better but the truth is I am not exempt from falling into a place where negativity dwells within and I not only know this but I have embraced it on some level; telling myself "I'm human. I can wallow in this for a while. It won't hurt anyone because I don't intend to hurt anyone" but that frame of thinking is already self destructive. I look back on my desire for education, career, relationships and I can clearly see moments where I thought my hurt or anger was justified and that hurt, anger and bitterness has caused me to lose. I tell myself "oh things work out as they should because God must want it this way." That isn't true. God wants us to be prosperous and to be blessed until our blessings are "pressed down, shaken together and running over" but we use God as an excuse for our shortcomings when it is us who have not taken the time to listen to Him and follow His guidelines for living a blessed life.



Many people, including myself, have lost opportunities because we just HAD to speak something negative into the situation. For example, before I was unemployed in 2008, I actually spoke that I would get fired. I jokingly spoke the words and no sooner as the idea became a faint thought, I'd gotten the news that my contract was not going to be renewed. Another example was one of my previous relationships. Everything was great until words began. The feelings of confusion and feeling unappreciated and finally saying things like "when do you know when to let go of love" began a chain reaction that ended in heartbreak. I can't say that my words caused the initiation of these events but they helped in the breakdown of each one. Imagine if I'd gone to work with a positive attitude and spoke of elevation instead of unemployment. Maybe I still would have been laid off but I can almost guarantee that my transitional period would not have been as long.



Imagine if I'd said, in my relationship, "We will be stronger together and God will see us into a realm of happiness that people won't even begin to understand"? Maybe we still would have broken up but I can almost guarantee that the feelings that led to the moment to let go may not have happened. Truth is I don't know what would have happened in those circumstances but I do know this. I am a woman of God and I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I love God with all my heart and it took me all this time to finally get it. I had that moment of "DOY" in church the other day. My source of power, energy, love, blessings, comfort, sustainability...all of that was right here waiting for me to turn and say "Lord, I will not attempt to do this on my own." There is absolutely nothing I can do for myself that will out do what God can do for me and through me. Today I seek prosperity and joy. Today I will speak positive life into ever breath I take. I will no longer murder my possibilities. I will give them life through my words and my faith. I hope you will join me in doing the same. Peace and blessings unto you all!

people are funny

It's amazing how some people support the hard decisions you have to make about other people but when you stand your ground with them, they get mad at you as if you've done something to them. I am always honest about how I feel about something or someone and I understand that people want conditional honesty (that is, as long as they are happy with it) but I cannot accommodate everyone, nor will I try.  It's one TRU and everyone gets the same one.

SMOOCHES!

"WHAT A DIFFERENCE A DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY MAAAAAAAAAKES"

Today I'm singing. and now I'm flipping back to the happy side of my bipolar personality. (I'm not really bipolar. Just human with emotions all.)  The last two days have been pretty freaking great. I'm working on my application process for school. I have to shoot 24-30 great photos for my portfolio and process some myself. Can you say a "Dark Room"? I can't wait to get back in the dark room. I love the focus I have there.  Also, and this part is why I'm so giddy. lol...

So yesterday I saw this guy and was like "WHOA!" Oh my goodness, when I say "fine"??? G'LAWD HAVE MERCY! LOL...I think my heart fluttered a little. I haven't had THAT "new crush" flutter in a minute. lol...Sad though. Word on the street is he's probably gay. lolol. I have sources. That didn't stop the brotha from being fine. I just imagine him straight. lolol

Moving on. I had an email exchange with a new friend of mine today that made my heart a little happier. He lives in London and after all of our communications I never really gave a thought to him being more than just a friend in London until he mentioned something about going to Jamaica and threw in a " I should come hang out with him since I'm closer. (wink wink, nudge nudge)". I'm pretty certain that I won't be going to Jamaica, though nothing is really stopping me, but I would rather hook up with him in DC when he comes to visit family in a few weeks.  This is pretty exciting though. For the first time he mentioned me being beautiful and I was like "uh oh." lol.  Before now every conversation has been very Rated G and nice. No flirting or anything. This should be interesting. lol

I told him it would be cool to have a friend to show me around London when I go to visit. I'm going to visit. lol. My passport has an attitude with me for not being used enough.  Now if I can find a friend in Italy, Japan, New Zealand, Brazil and Hawaii. lol.  THEN I'll be cookin'!  (raising a glass) Here's to new friends. You never know where life will take you. Hey, I'm single. I have no kids and I'm a very grown woman. There's nothing stopping me from enjoying the world. You guys should too!

?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

I FEEL LIKE I AM MAKING A MISTAKE.

In a moment you say, send, write something that you really mean, there is no turning back. I feel like I can't stop writing. lol. the dang head and heart are going at it, big time!  Because my thoughts are so explosive the only way to keep them from being completely combustive is for me to let a little out at a time. Right now I just feel like I'm writing too much, not enough, the wrong thing, the right thing, what I feel, what I think I should feel,  what people try to tell me I feel, what I mean, what I don't mean;

CALGON!!!!!!!!! TAKE ME AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Is it pathetic to admit a need? Is it needy to admit a want? I am trying to look towards the day when I don't feel like a crazy lady spinning her wheels. I internalize everything and that's why i keep writing; to let some of it out. Seems like the more I try to do to distance myself from some feelings and thoughts the more intense they become. THIS IS NUTS!
 Question: Do you think you can feel what someone else is feeling though you aren't with them or is it that you want them to feel a certain way so you convince yourself that they MUST be feeling what you wish they felt? lolol...that got a little convoluted didn't it? I have always been intuitive and most of the time I turn out to be right, not because I think I'm right but it just turns out that way. Now my intuition is telling me some things and I don't know if I'm right this time because if I am right, it doesn't matter. I still feel like a crazy lady. lol.
What the hell is wrong with me? I don't like this. I was fine. I am fine so why such anxiety?

It's heavy.

So you may notice my sort of bipolar range of emotions over the last few posts. lol. Well, I have absolutely no idea how to calm myself. Right now I think my thoughts are so sporadic that they are not really confusing me but leading me to a little anxiety. It's a mixture of excitement and fear for the future; sadness and mourning for the past; uncertainty and questioning of the present. I just woke up at 5:30 am and think I slept about 12 hours straight. MY body hurts now. lol.I think my body and mind have both collapsed me. I needed the rest though. I have been running around all week and I'm not done because I have to sing today. 3-4 days in the gym, 2 days walking, at work 5 days and none of that includes the mental preparation I'm going through with my future. I am both looking forward and dreading all the work I must do. I'm tired just thinking about it. Oh well, nothing comes to us just by sitting there thinking about it so I'll suck it up. In one year, I want to look back at this blog and see a major difference in my life, my attitude, my level of happiness and confidence in my abilities to be an individual in a world of clones. Stay tuned. This will be interesting. Good Morning.

blank pages.

The last few days have been bitter sweet for me. I have finally made some major decisions concerning my future and I am totally excited about them but it's not the future I envisioned a few months ago. I felt like my eyes were stinging the other night as I had to tell someone goodbye. I didn't want to and I still don't but I don't know what else I can do about a friendship that was more than a friendship. How do you go backwards? I don't think I can. It's too painful to revert to a state that can no longer satisfy your desire for more. The hardest thing I've ever had to do is tell someone that I adore completely that I can't communicate with them any longer. It is so hard to do what you have to do when it's not what you want to do. I was so hurt I communicated this to them and normally I keep things to myself but blogging is helping me move forward. I know someone understands (but some may not) that to love and want someone but have to let them go is unbelievably devastating.

If the hands of time were reset to a certain point I'm not sure if I'd change anything but from where I stand, what I feel and know are at war. Time doesn't necessarily heal all wounds. Some of those wounds are numbed to the point where it's  just bearable to keep moving but the point is to keep moving. I have to literally tell myself everyday, in real live words out loud, that "Everything will be okay."

There have been people who have physically hurt me, emotionally hurt me and psychologically hurt me but I have always viewed these things as "necessary hurt", if you can understand what I mean by that. It's pain that you have to go through to get to the next level of your life. Some of it, of course you can do without but some things are unavoidable. Every strike, every unwanted advance, every rude and mean word or rumor that has been directed towards me in my life, I still remember. For me, these years are going to be happy even if I have to experience sadness to get there. I laughed today. I joked today. I talked trash about the pitiful cowboys fans! lol Above all, I am here. Eventually, you can let go of people but the heart has an instant replay that can remind you of how you really felt about a person.

I had to tell myself yesterday "Tru, you just don't know people." I have always said that people will only tell you and show you what they want you to know about them. My problem? I show everything. If you knew me in 1995 and see me in 2010, this woman has the same spirit but more wisdom. If I love you, you'll know. If I love you today, I'm going to love you 20 years from now. Even if I don't see you or talk to you. Time is just an idea. Time can not reach into my mind and spirit and smoosh it around with a hand but it is I who have to navigate where my feelings go. I'm just hoping that I'll, one day, find someone who understands that. For this day, I'll just continue to move forward. It's hard letting go when you really don't want to. When you wait for the other person but it's not in them to reciprocate your feelings, you have to let go completely. That's the only way you can really heal.

COLD TURKEY BABY! Oh, my! That was just horrible. lolol.

Where to?

OMG! lol...I amuse myself. Might as well right? I'm sitting at my desk at work now talking to some of my co-workers and we're talking about my tentative proposed maybe probably most likely move to NY and both say "Really? You want to move to NY?" lol then one says "I hate NY." and the other says "I love NY but the pace is too fast for me." Then one of them (the one that hates NY) proceeds to say "There is a one bedroom house available next to me." ummm, didn't she JUST hear me say I'm leaving DC??? lol and why in the hamsammiches...

would I want to move to Just Street, NE??? I live in SE now and I don't have a problem with SE but with the bad reputation it has always had I STILL wouldn't move to certain parts of NE. NW or SW for that matter.

I have gotten some positive feedback about moving to NY. It's my first choice but not my only. Hey, I got me, a mic, a pen, a pad and a camera. I'll be fine no matter where I go. and if I hook up with my new friend in London, HELL, I may end up across the pond. Not necessarily with him but just there. At least I'll have a friend there. I can go anywhere right now.

I just have to get up and go. oh and get some money. Anyone need a kidney???? lol

Tonight, I Move On.

Tonight I have decided to sever all connections with people who are not good for my life as well as those who feel I am not good for them. Each step we take in this life should be leading us SOMEWHERE and to just let days, weeks, months and years go by with no real destination in sight is a waste of time, energy and dreaming. Why live in a dream when reality awaits? Why put energy into people and things that won't increase you and for whom you cannot assist to increase and elevate?  I'm not a kid anymore. I haven't been for almost 20 years so now I say to myself and others "What have you learned in all this time and how will you use it to meet your spiritual, physical, emotional and psychological needs?  The time for playing childish games is over. Now is the time to stand up on that faith we are always talking about. I am 36 years old and I love being 36 years old but you would hope with age and experience, some wisdom would also be acquired and for me that is true. Everyone I have encountered in my life has meant a great deal to me. Even the people in my past and present who oppose me, my views, my spirit and heart; they have helped me to cultivate the spirit within. I have cried something awful over the years but more than the tears, I have laughed and loved and those always out weigh the sorrowful time.

I wish everyone well. I sincerely do but it's time to plant some seeds for the growth of a new harvest.  In my future there is love, success, beauty, family and peace. I am working on the fearless path to those destinations. Those who love and encourage will experience as much love as I can give them and those who tear down, destroy and hold on to immature nature because of a fear of being strong enough to grow up and progress...all I can say is I wish them well. At some point we all want more and want to be more. We can. We just can't be scared to close our eyes and open our minds and hearts and leap. You will fly or fall but if  you just stand still nothing will ever happen. We have to leap forward into our destiny, our love, our future of fulfillment and happiness.

Some of us revisit the past and the people and things that were safe and familiar but not good for our lives. We have to be willing to embrace, not just the obvious good things and people that seem to put us in a good place but we need to step outside of ourselves and fight for those that truly help us, in love, to become a better version of ourselves. I know my future will be okay. Somehow, no matter what I go through I ALWAYS end up okay and that, my dear loved ones, is no coincidence.

Stay Tru!

Sunday Love

The dust has settled from a night of contemplation
and your reactions are filtered by the sensation of a hope
that you won't be overtaken by the stresses of this life.

You wonder, though, if you will have to intercept the glimpse of another reality
to make what you feel seem more accurate or more relevant or just simply
make more sense.

When you sit back and close your eyes
your mind pulls you into places where light is not just bright, but filling;
with a density that allows you to stick your hand in the center of it, hold onto it
and take some of it with you.

It feels thick. It feels soft.
It is not a scorching physical flame but can set your heart on fire
while cooling all anxiety;

a fire that consumes only fear, doubt, troubles and worries
yet renews, transforms, comforts and elevates.

Saturday's idle rants of a struggling journey are silenced
by a Sunday love that is a compass of unyielding grace..

Your only requirement is to let this day take you where it may.



Written by: T. L. Aldridge, C. 2010

Tonight I have to think of me.

This year, my life has been unlike any other year of my life. I pray that the last quarter of this year will yield unbelievable happiness and fulfillment for me. I have grabbed a hold of love only to have it yanked away. I have seen my purpose in the distance and am now making tracks towards that purpose. I have been totally independent only to have to learn to swallow my pride and ask for help. I have had to speak up and be quiet, all within the same time frame. I have had to re-evaluate who I am, what I want as well as what I feel I deserve, be it the love of a strong supportive man who loves me enough not to let go so easily or the happiness of doing something I am meant to do and be who I am meant to be and telling myself "YOU ARE GREAT AT THIS!" I have cried to God to let His will be done and at the same time questioned why His will included my heartache. ALL of this has been to build me up for my next step. No matter how hard it appears, I made it through the last chapter and I'll make it through the next.

It's amazing how strong we appear to people on the outside and even those who know what you have gone through have not been in your secret place to feel your pain, hear your cries or lift your head when you felt the pressure of life holding it down.  They don't understand why you rejoice like you do now because they don't know that you were one word, one reaction, one tear drop away from just going and never coming back. Some people may understand the situation but your feelings, thoughts, rationalizations and heart all belong to you and no one will ever be able to fully understand why and how you cope with the things you do.

I have watched some people walk out of my life this year and not really know why. At the time, I was completely baffled but now I have to say that what's not for me is not for me and who is not for me is not for me. You can love someone with the power that could set a blaze the most massive icebergs in the Arctic but that cannot make them love you any more than they are going to or even can love you. You can be the best friend to someone but if they are not going to be a friend to you you can not make them. I don't care how proud you are, you can fall to your knees and cry out "WHY? WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?" and God's reply may be "Why not you? Are you expecting to move through this life without trials? How will that help you grow? Do you not see my love helping you come through this?"  My reply???? "Can you love me a little softer? I'm gettin' bruised up ova here!" lol


I am trying to move forward and I'm not sure if the past wants to let go completely. My hand is completely open and even if I have to cry as I walk away, I have to walk away. The next chapter awaits.

Peace is a powerful thing.

This weekend I had the pleasure of spending time in the mountains of West Virginia with a few great old friends and fun new friends. I had absolutely no complaints about the weekend except that I wish I had at least one more day to stay in the midst of God's grand creations and hear Him through the sounds of nature, feel Him in the breeze, water and on the ground that I tread. I took a chairlift ride up the mountain and it was so beautiful. Three of us rode up together and when two of us wasn't trying to keep the other one calm from being afraid, we sat in pockets of total silence. We spoke of God's wonder the entire time. Even the conversation among us while going up the mountain was about the pure joy of God and His magnificence.

I am so in love with God. This weekend with these people really helped me see where I need to be. He placed me among people who know Him and can see things in me that I'd long put away. In my quest to find my purpose and happiness, I have allowed situations, self discouragement and the negative aspects of life in general to take precedence over my natural drive to succeed and be productive in the way that I have been designed to be.  This weekend wasn't about having people pacify my doubts about myself or even convince me that I'm good enough to be what God has told me I need to be. This weekend was about getting the peace I needed to hear the reply to my questions and pleas to God to help me gain clarity for my next steps.

The funny thing is Shanita, one of my fun new friends talked with me and Jackie (one of my old friends) about my gifts and she said "Get outta my face. Get out of this room." lol... but her words were so encouraging. She said "You are sitting on talent that people are waiting to hear. You have written words and songs that someone out there is waiting to hear because they can't express  what they feel but you have the words." That got me because there are artist whose words, melodies, voices, all speak volumes to my heart and soul and if I could do .000001% of what other artists have done for me, I will be blessed. I really love encouraging people but forget to encourage myself. I'm like the doctor who is the worse patient. I'm getting better though.

I wanted to stay in a peaceful mode for a long time but as soon as we hit DC yesterday, BAM!!!! neck cramp! stress came back! just the thought of work made me need a massage. Stinkin' DC! lolol but I was okay later.

Peace to all my loved ones who have found their direction and to those who are still looking for theirs, we'll all get there.

So here is my Wednesday rant about love, finding love, being pursued by love and acknowleding when ya just gotta move on. (Long ass title right? Well the Blog is just as long. Get a drink and enjoy. lol)

(I could have just written "PURSUE LOVE" as the title but what fun would that be? (shrug))

So, in all my ranting about love and how beautiful it is and my apparent attempt at maturity when handling the embracing of or the extraction of love, I am noticing that what I know and feel are starting to slowly merge which creates a harmonious mindset. For the last week or so I've have been writing text messages to no one in particular. I don't send them to anyone but I just write them as if I were. I write to lovers lost, as well as lovers hoped for. Don't look at me like I'm crazy. This is what writers do.

*Disclaimer: The term "Lovers" does not refer to the person(s) who may engage in sexual act for the edification of physical satisfaction. (oooooo, ya'll nasty. lol) The term is used here as a person whose heart and soul calls out to you in way that is only for you. A lover is someone who is drawn for you to with and by love that is deep enough to swim away in without fear of hurt or pain. Complete and infinite love even in this finite existence.

The same way you have revelations when you verbally speak something and get that feeling like the light bulb just went off, you can receive the same when you write. What is writing but putting the thoughts you're thinking and not saying onto paper or in this case a computer or text msg. I digress. As I was typing my text to no one in particular, well the first few was for someone specific, as if I were having an exchange with them, I realized something extraordinary. I'd been receiving several messages the last few weeks about love and who loves you and what a woman (or man) should look for in a lover*

Message One:  A soul mate may not be someone whom you spend the rest of you life with. This person, who may be your soul mate, may be in your life for a long time or for a short while. Their purpose for you (and yours for them) is to touch, address and help cultivate the love inside of you and help show you the best of who you are and what you can be. A love that is so deep that you two can almost visually see the same things that no others can see. The thing about a soul mate is that the love is so strong that it overshadows the importance of everything else and may actually cause problems if you focus on that particular love all the time. In other word, you lose yourself and your individuality in this love which can eventually turn into something that seems negative. A soul mate may have a shelf life. Doesn't mean you don't love them for always, it just means that their purpose has been fulfilled. It's now time to take what you've learned and make the most of your life.

Message Two: A man who loves you will do whatever he can to be with you.  For the guys who are not afraid of self honesty, think about this, if you have a passion for something, be it money, cars, career success, whatever, and you want that thing, won't you plan and do all that you can to obtain it? Won't you look at your passion and say "Whatever I have to do to make this happen, I have to do it"? Won't you say, "This is so important to me and I won't rest until I have it"?  If this thing that you say you desire is not really desired than you won't hesitate to let it go or reason with why you feel you have to let it go. Granted, not everything is for everyone and that, too, may be a factor (I'll get to that in a moment) but overall, if you want it, you go and get it and if it's a person you want, you do all you can to let them know you want them. If it gets difficult you say, "I still want you because you are my desire. The good and bad; I'm willing to endure." Now if she's is coming at you with a gun screaming "bloody murder" Imma need you not to want that one. Someone else is out there. lol

Message Three:  A man will pursue that which he desires. Similar to my second point, this is also about doing whatever you can to get what or who you want but more than that, this point is about being in pursute of that desired thing or person. It's one thing to want or desire something but to pursue something or someone means you hunt, follow, chase, shadow, look for or run after them. All too often, women simply make themselves available or the men will just accept who is there without having to pursue it and later find that it's not what they desire or even want.  The hardest thing to be is honest with yourself about why certain situations end up the way they do. Most of us place blame and fault on the other and in some instances ourselves but how many times do we actually say, "it's no one's fault. He didn't pursue me." Did he love you? I don't doubt it but it could have just been lust or just a good situation to be in.

We over think things, as you can see from this extremely long ass blog, but be objective. Don't dismiss what the other person may be thinking or what led them to their decision. Okay, some people ARE just simply assholes but both men and women have emotions. Women are just more expressive most times so ladies, in some cases, cut the brothas some slack. They aren't mind readers and sometimes don't analyze like we do. They react and if they make up in their mind they are done, that's pretty much it. Same for women, we are a little more forgiving but trust, when we are done, "That's a wrap!" So, I wrote AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLL THAT just to say this, life is short and God knows what we need and desire. Some things we want aren't meant for us. Some things are only for a season. Some things we desire will not come easily. No matter if it's a woman, a man, a career, an idea, education, etc., PURSUE IT as if you are afraid it would leave this earth and never return and the only way to stop it is for you to grab a hold on it and never let go.  I'm about to do that with several things and the first is my relationship with God. lol (I know I used some profanity but that was just for affect. O_O) I will pursue Him like my life depends on it because...it does. The rest will come.

Be good family.

"My Goodnight/My Goodbye" Haiku Series

Hey Fam! I was in a Haiku mood so I thought I'd share one of my Haiku series with you. I like to write them as a group. I have another called "A Series of Moments" that I may share soon. I like the Haiku poetry form because it is a compressed image in a small frame yet possess a dynamic voice. I hope my group of Haiku will allow you to see something new. Enjoy! Stay TRU

"My Goodnight/My Goodbye" Haiku Series

© 2010, Tara Aldridge

I. Yawning

I wavered in thought,

As she spoke of a true love.

Once was mine; now gone

II. Nod

His pace matching mine

I use to hear his heartbeat

Two hearts no longer

III. Nearing Rest

Shadows seek me out

As night approaches quickly

Sunrise comes too soon

IV. Sad Eyes, Sleepy Eyes

Slumbering eyes close

And visions of us are clear

As a falling vase

V. REM

I crash landed here

Descending from his hard dreams

From his; stuck in mine

VI. Morning Lights

Happiness waited

I took its hand and walked fast

It led me instead

VII. Brand New Day

Yesterday I wept

Feared moving on; now I will

Open doors beckon"

MOTIVATION: WHAT A FEELING!

Things are looking pretty stressfully awesome these days. lol. Well, I have so much I'm planning to do that I think I'm stressing and since I have identified that I'm stressing, I can stop stressing so much. Did any of that make sense??? I don't know. I am at the threshold of self discovery. 


EWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!! GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF THE GUTTER WHICH MADE ME PUT MY HEAD IN THE GUTTER TO TELL YOU TO GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF THE GUTTER!
Umm...ya'll just nasty. lolol.


The prayers I have been praying for guidance for finding my purpose has yielded some very wonderful and interestingly inspirational perspective and messages that are specifically geared toward me being what I'm suppose to be. I've been praying for the strength to release the fear I have of moving  in my destiny and I can feel that fear slowly but surely dissipating as a whisp of soft mist on the scorching pavement. I love new growth. dang, even my hair is experiencing new growth. lolol....toenails, fingernails. it's a sale and EVERYTHING MUST GROOOOOOOOOWWWW!!!!

*crickets* (O_O)

no good?  okay, carrying on...

I'm choosing to visualize where I want to be and make my requests very specific and tailored to what my heart really and truly desires. I love life. It's just so dang awesome.

Oh Shout to my little cousin Meici and her little man, Sir and her mom. I haven't seen her in YEEEEEEEEARS! Came to DC from Rochester, NY.  Stay connected with ya fam because time is going by sooooooo fast and at some point you will realized you have missed everyone's important moments. Share love with ya fam today.

Stay Tru!

So...What's next?

I don't know.

There. I said it. Well, I wrote it. I loved my low key weekend. Did some re-evaluating of friendships and my obligations to them. I also thought a lot about acquiring new friends and if I even want to do that right now. Should I focus on career, school or my immediate life first? Do I focus on the future, which is never really guaranteed or do I enjoy today with all the fullness I can? All are important but each hold individual expectations that I am trying to fulfill but life has gotten in the way. I'm feeling good about my possibilities but I look at my obligations and expectation through a wide lens and it can be overwhelming. Do I focus on me or loving others? Do I focus on who will potentially love me or wish and hope it happens before I cease to care about wanting the love and affection of someone? Do I become complacent with the status quo of just getting by or do I propel myself into uncharted territory, despite my fear, to awaken in a place of complete newness where the excitement, alone, grabs me and takes me towards my yet fulfilled destiny, waiting? Man, I don't know. All I can do is just move in the space I'm in right now; finish what I'm doing now and ask "What's next?" After I complete that task I'll ask again,"What's next?"

There will always be a "What's next?" in life and when you can no longer come up with the "Next" then you know you have completed your journey here. Until then, keep moving and keep asking that question. It's so much to learn, do, be, see and comprehend in this life. So, What's next? Everything.

Stay Tru

Say "WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?"

What it is, children of the divine; loved ones; home skillets?

Today is Tuesday, August 10, 2010. What is the significance of this day? What makes it so special? Why should you care?

Well first off, you are here to see it. That's enough. I have no major issues or announcements. Only that it's awesome to be here; alive and well. Yesterday, however, did have some significance; to me anyway.

Monday, August 9, 2010 was my parents' 47th Wedding Anniversary. Long time, right? Absolutely! Every now and then, I think about my generation of adults and the generations to come and think, "How many of us can say we'll see that many years in a marriage?" Not many I suppose. I have had discussions and debates as to why people just don't stay married and I have to say that I'm truly sick of this topic. lol. People are going to do what they want to do. A writer named Sam Butler (1835-1902) once wrote,

"Morality is the custom of one's country and the current feeling of one's peers. Cannibalism is moral in a cannibal country."

This proclamation that we are moral in accordance to the definition of the morality standards of the society which we are subscribe to is rather accurate and the statistical data on the trends among certain societies will back up this theory. Now, this isn't to say that there are individuals who go against the grain of their societal standards but overall, humans follow trends as well as tradition.

But it also goes deeper to what we, individually, are exposed to as we are developing into the adults we will be until we leave this space on earth.  A child that grows up in a vegetarian household will not simply become and adult and say, "I WANT MEAT!" Maybe that has happened before but it's not likely. The lifestyle and personal standards have been carved into their systematic way of life. We all have a certain systematic way of life. Even those whose lives appear chaotic to others has, what can be viewed as, controlled chaos.
People look to their examples for guidance as to how to make things work. A business man will look towards his business mentor for guidance then find what works for him within that guidance and proceed to tailor it to suit his very personal style while still possessing a standard that doesn't stray far from the overall standards of his business society. Same with marriage. If a young man doesn't have an example for a dependable and dedicated father and husband figure in his household, he has nothing to compare. He fights to understand how to be a good husband without really knowing what one looks like. Same with women. We want to find Mr. Right and we want longevity, dedication, intimacy, and love.  We want other stuff too but if you grow up with a mother and father who have always been together, that's your example.

Not every marriage is perfect in fact, a perfect one may not or never exist but when you choose to be dedicated and devoted to your spouse, you put selfishness aside and work through the hard times. Aside from physical and mental abuse, infidelity and just losing love, many marriage, if you were to sit and talk with the couples, end over simple selfishness. Things don't suit them anymore. They cannot have things how they want them and they find it harder to really consider the other person. There are so many single married people out there. Maybe we are the ADD/ADHD MARRIAGE generation. Who knows? All I know is that unless I get married next week and live to be, at least, 83 years old, I MAY be able to say what my parents can say today. But between you, me and the computer keyboard...I don't see me getting married tomorrow unless there are some volunteers. 

You? You?  oh, You? I thought I saw a hand. lol...nah!

later loved ones.
Stay TRU

BLECH...

I'm sick today and at home. I can't really rest either because I have head shots this evening and I'm just plain uncomfortable. As always, my mind is saturated with sooooooo many different things and since my blog is about love, here is my entry for today and the love content herein.

Love. It's a good thing.


Lol!  We'll I can say much more but I feel out of it and probably shouldn't even be looking at this computer screen so here's the rest of my love content for the day then back to bed.

I've written a lot about my recent break up, the hurt, the confusion and the love that still remains. I looked at one of my posts yesterday and was like "Really? Am I really being this transparent to people?" The answer is "yes". Personal transparency is both a benefit and liability. Because I'm open enough to show and share my real, honest to goodness, truest feelings, some may view that as a way to manipulate the goodness I possess. The benefit, however, is that you know me and this is the real me. It's not an altered version of me so that i may obtain favor with anyone. I present myself, as I truly am, and those who call me "friend" have done so because they appreciate the real me. Anyone who chooses that I'm not what they are looking for in a friend has every right to seek friendship elsewhere. Those who have called me "friend" then decided later that they would rather not have me as a friend, in my opinion, didn't know what the heck they wanted in the first place. All of that is still cool.

My list of friends, in the last few years, have dwindled down to a very few. I am okay with that also.  Everyone I have ever told, "I love you", I still do. If I've been treated badly by them, I decided I didn't need them in my life but wherever they are I'll always have love for them. There aren't too many people that I have true contempt for because honestly, it's not my business what your opinion of me is but if you love me I'll make it my business to love you back something fierce. lol...So there. That's my entry for today. I'm soooooooo weak. Going to rest now. Loved ones, stay Tru.

Where to find love when you're lost.

Always leave a  trail of breadcrumbs from your last major source of love. This is essential when you are in those dark or shadowy places where it seems that love can't possibly dwell there. Over the last few weeks I have taken a blow to my idealist view of love, what it is and what it should be. I've learned a lot about myself. I've learned much about other people but most of all I've learned that regardless of whether a situation turns out the way you hoped it would, you have to keep moving. The toughest part of moving forward from a loving place to a place of uncertain emotions is that you eventually come to the realization that the entire time you've been trying to cope with a loss or a change in your love routine, you have been trying to rationalize the irrational. You have been trying to fathom the unfathomable. You have been trying to tame that which cannot be tamed.  Love is like a rock and a cloud. It has the ability to hold strong. Sometimes unmovable. Not budging. It will be there if you leave and be there when you return. But it can also hover and float away as a vapor  in the sky that rain down emotional drops of real humanity and then dissipates; never to return the same way as before.

For me, last week ended with one of the most real experiences I have ever had. I have learned, up close and personally, that maybe someone may no longer love you like they once did because I guess you can fall in and out of love. More than that I have learned that there is a difference in someone not loving you and someone not wanting you. I didn't really expect to get that revelation but when it came, surprisingly, I was put in a place of calm. I now understand that to know that someone may not love you as much is one thing and you can almost say to yourself, "Well, I can't make someone love me if they don't." but I had to actually say out loud to myself, "He doesn't want me." When you finally say that to yourself, at that very moment the last syllable comes out, it feels like that horrible hospital bandage tape they put on your arm after a shot and you tug at it to take it off and it hurts and you're like "WHAT THE HELL MAN????" You finally decide to just rip off the tape and that shit hurts but when it's off, you immediately thank God, rub the spot and move on. Friday, I thanked God, rubbed the spot and now I'm moving on. Funny thing is I thought I had moved on but now I know I can and must. When you admit that someone doesn't want you, your mind goes in several different places.

• Why don't they want me?
• What changed?
• What did I do?
• What did they do?
• If you wanted me yesterday, why don't you want me today?

and the list goes on but know that all that questioning will only lead you back to one place.  THEY ARE STILL GONE. So, loved ones, don't get me wrong, this isn't a sad blog about someone not wanting me or loving me. My purpose here is to let you know that there is an "AH HA!" moment that happens when you admit to yourself that when the person you hold the most affection for no longer holds that same affection for you, you may dwell in a sad place for a while but get up and remember who you are. Your strength is yours alone. There is not one person who can reach inside you and rip it out without you allowing it. Your love is yours to distribute as you see fit. No one can make you stop giving it away unless you give them permission to control it. Now is the time to turn those affections back onto yourself. Find the best of yourself and fall in love all over again. One thing is for sure, I will always want me. I hope you want you, too! (^_^)   Stay TRU loved ones!!

See this woman? -------------->

I love her with all the breath in my body. I will not give up on her. She's my best friend.

"World Quake"

I feel the breath pushing against my lungs trying to find a way out.
It doesn't seek to sustain me but escape; never to return.
Inside there is that undeniable sensation of confusion and hurt that feels like the shock of someone shooting both ice and boiling water into your soul; never the two shall merge.
The artificer stands and waits for the merchant to see his creation and marvel at it;
just as we want others to inhale every aspect of our goodness but in a moment it all goes away.
Like the child's imaginary friend at the point of maturity; the child, both, remembers and forgets.
Can there be calm in panic?
Can there be a dramatic peace?
Can there be a loving hate?
Can there be broken wholeness?
Can you see a bright shadow that cries in whispers?
As a lone tear falls and hits the ground, the world shakes

It carves my name into the earth; never to be removed and never to be seen



Written by:

Tru Essence,
Copyright 2010, T. L. Aldridge

I wrote a song today. It wasn't a club banger or a romantic (wanna kiss your face forever) love song. It was simply a song about love and loving you enough to wish you well, no matter where we end up in this life. It wasn't a long song. It wasn't a loud song. Wasn't even the best thing I'd ever written but it's mine and in the stillness of the simple melody, I felt nice. I cannot call it happiness or overjoyed or sad or melancholy. I felt nice. It's the feeling when it's 75 degrees and there is a breeze and you sit on a park bench and observe your surroundings as you sip on a bottle of water. I felt nice. No hurry. No anxiety. No longing to be here or there. No longing to be with anyone in particular. Just nice. This melody may only be just for me. I haven't decided but I like having it. In fact, I love having. It's a new song. Maybe I'll write a little nice new songs each day. Maybe that's what I need to ensure that tomorrow my heart and head have something to look forward to. Can't wait for the next little nice composition to spring forth.

~Stay TRU

Are you an island?

Man, oh man. Life is interesting. A few weeks ago I was all, "boo hoo hoo. Why is life so hard?" and now I'm all, "I can't wait to see what's in store. MAKE IT GOOD LORD!!! PLEASE!" I would love to meet the person who is self contained and doesn't need others or the rest of the world because maybe they can show me a thing or two. As for me I am acknowledging that I need people. Hezekiah Walker said it best in his song "I Need You To Survive". I saw that title today and I just started thinking that anyone who considers themselves "self contained" or without the need of others are only fooling themselves. Yes, while it is true that others cannot define your worth or control how you feel about yourself, it is something about being with others that helps you sustain. Whether emotionally, mentally, physically or spiritually; these people keep you going. They keep you motivated, encouraged and just charged about being here on this planet.

If you have ever met me in person you may have probably heard me say at one time or another, "Oh GOD, I hate people!" Let me just clarify that statement. I don't hate people. Parish the thought. I just can't stand stupid people but even they, sometimes, bring me a chuckle or two. Folks, although people say that "no man is an island", the truth is we kinda are like islands Not in the sense that we are alone but consider this perspective  for a moment. An island is not formed simply because it wants to be. There are several elements or components that contribute to the forming of these islands be they under water volcanoes or sinking land masses. 

I never knew exactly what that phrase meant until I attempted to be an island. Our perception of an island is one of loneliness and desolation and abandonment but we have to start viewing things differently. Even an island need various elements to sustain itself. It needs the animals that inhabit the island to help nourish it and bring new life from the ocean or far off lands. Even a spider from a far off land can be swept to a deserted island to start new life. The birds, vegetation, amphibious creatures; they all contribute to the sustainability of an island and we think just because there aren't any humans there that the island is lonely in and of itself. Well my friends, it isn't and we shouldn't be either. It truly takes others to sustain us. Be it encouragement, prayer, conversations, chastisement or any other component that helps elevate us; we all need other people. You need to hear "Everything will be alright." or "You were awesome!" or even "You're an idiot. Don't do that again." We may not need hundreds of people talking in our ears but if you happen to be what is considered an island, finds some new inhabitants who are worthy of your wonderful landscape, mysteries and beauty that you have to offer. I guess I can say that I am an island and I will continue to flourish because I need YOU to survive.

Stay TRU Loved Ones!!!

BTW- Okay, all this may have been a mixture of my thoughts about people and watching the discovery Channel's "Wild Pacific" last week.  lol...