When "I love you" becomes a tool, the heart feels every insincere motive.

I have not been able to really smile the last week or so. This feeling hurts; not having a smile ready, willing and able to surface at will. I have sat in silence and darkness wondering what's next for me. At times, I feel hollow, like an empty pail. I can't even cry. I cried a little a few days ago but now I'm numb. I have been in physical pain for the last few weeks but even with physical pain I felt joy. 

The joy has diminished into a longing for quietness.

For the last week, I have been in bed with my head covered from the rest of the world because I feel if they see me they will deem me unfit to be among them. Not happy enough; not good enough to accept or facilitate the happiness that is required of the world to be considered "normal".  

I paused to help celebrate my friend's birthday yesterday and I recognized how much I needed to be out of the house.  My heart had not smiled for days. My spirit has been mildly alerted to the things going on around me.  I didn't want to call it what it is but I have to. Depression. Loneliness. I have felt dismissed by the very ones I relied on to give me comfort in the dark times. Maybe my trust was in the wrong people.


I have been having lots of dreams lately. Standing alone, watching the world go by without being about to do anything but stand there and stare blankly into life without being a part of it. I love deeply and completely so when I am made to feel like I'm wasting my time, I feel foolish and I try to figure out, for myself, what to do next. Only now, I have no plan for what's next. I have no plan for the now. I have nothing.

I write because if I don't I will lose myself even more. If I write it, these feelings, down then maybe I can somehow identify what I feel and do something different. Even if I just feel, that is all it is; just feelings. No problem solving; no itemized list of potential solutions that will make things better or make the physical and emotional pain go away.

My mind wanders when I consider the places I need to be in order to realize whether or not anyone on this planet really loves me. Maybe I'm loved only when the conditions are right. I don't want to feel like a victim or someone who is so desperate for love that she will throw herself, head first, into despair for the sake of momentary sympathy. I have only ever wanted someone to love me as I am. Flaws and all. Without cruel judgment, hurtful words and deceptive motives. I don't want to be told "I love you" and lied to in the same instance. I can bare being alone but I can't be surrounded with people who say "I love you" and still be lonely. 

I don't just speak of romantic love but real LOVE.  

If I could run away, I would but my feel cannot bear the weight. If I could fly away, I would but my wings were taken long ago. If I could sink into an amber hue of existence I would and cover up the path that brought me there but I would only be found again and brought back to this reality that I am unhappy.

Everything hurts right now. My body, my heart, my mind, my soul; they all are in need of bandages that I don't seem to have.

As much as I speak about love, it evades me.  I have, yet, to see the love of this world prove itself. Sometimes I think it God's cruel joke to show me how unloved I am daily in order for me to rely on His love. I'm grateful for His love every second, minute, hour, day and so on.  I guess I just wish mankind really understood and exhibited real love. I'm told most days "I love you" and hesitate to return the sentiment because I sorely love but it is often trampled upon.

Maybe my eyes are still covered, shutting out all possibility of seeing happiness, love and care. I don't know. I'm going back to sleep now. I pray the sunlight yields a better perspective.

The anticipated release of SHADOWED REFLECTIONS is here!!!

Shadowed Reflections
Written by TRU Essence

Shadowed Reflections, my new short story/poetry book is now available for purchase at xlibris.com bookstore and amazon.com. 

I am truly excited about publishing my first book.  Many people have asked me about selling my book and doing a book signing (which I definitely will) but my overall focus was to publish the book to prove to myself that I can do it. I did it. LOL. I feel so good about it!

This book is dedicated to everyone who doubted every step they have ever taken then one day realized that they are more than doubt.  They are more than fear of failure. They are more than fear of success. We struggle to find our place in a crowded world of spazzy people walking pretending to know exactly what they want but never really sure. I write with the voice of the lost and uncertain but hopeful.

Shadowed Reflections is available for purchase at the xlibris.com bookstore and Amazon.com.  Get your copy today!!!