That's been my weekend. I have to acknowledge my anger and frustration so that I can find a way to let go of it. I could air some major dirty laundry but if you know me, you know that's not how I roll.
I have been doing really well lately, at purging unneeded things from my life and unfortunately, sometimes you have to purge the people around you as well. Some may have seemed like friends at some point, some are family that will NEVER change because they don't see the need to change, and some are people who can't, no, WON'T acknowledge right from wrong and will choose to turn a blind eye because they don't have the courage to call people out on their bullshit.
Most situations fall in a gray area where you can't really say there's a right or wrong then there are some very black and white situations.
Guilt. It's an amazing thing. Some people are so guilty and know they are but they will refuse to acknowledge their behavior, in turn, attempting to place their very character on someone else as if they, themselves were some sort of victim.
I will say, however, the opportunity often presents itself for people to correct mistakes, bad behavior or even just move beyond some bullshit they may have done without cause or justification but they don't either understand that or care to resolve their self created issues. I get that people CAN change or that, sure, you may have arguments with others but the attitude and character is the distinguishing factor in whether or not people can resolve issues. Some people can't resolve issues because they never acknowledge that they have done anything wrong or made any mistakes. For me, the days of not acknowledging wrong doing are over. When you just don't acknowledge wrongdoing or even make an attempt to apologize for shit that you do to people, you expect the other party to just forgive or forget until you're ready to dick them over again.
Yeah. That shit doesn't fly anymore. I'm usually a no nonsense person but I'm always up for reconciliation. Even if I don't trust you like I use to or want to hang out with you, I can still be cordial and move beyond any issue. Unfortunately, again, some things you just don't fully recover from but you let go so that you can move towards happiness.
Here's is the basis of my rant tonight. This is not a love letter but it helps to move me back to a place where love is a priority and not feeling like I want to punch a hole in a wall; and by wall I mean face.Either I'm truly oblivious to a part of my character that is apparently a terrible person who is extra confrontational, unloving, arrogant, hypocritical and delusional or I have some people around me who hold those characteristics and are in such denial that they will place those characteristics on me and portray themselves as angels and victims. Many of these people are blood relatives. I don't use the word family because they are not.
When I get to a point when I have to say "I don't like you. I don't want anything to do with you. I'm done with this dysfunction and if you are going to remain toxic, I can't deal with you.", I really need to distance myself from these people. Some people are detrimental to your happiness because they don't know what happiness is OR dysfunction, for them, IS happiness. Yeah, I can't live that way.
Have you ever notice when you are moving closer towards inner peace, someone comes along and tries to rattle you and throw you off your path. Please stay on your path of peacefulness and mindfulness. There is a reason you have been growing closer to love and inner acknowledgement of needing love, wanting love and being a vessel to display and accept love. You deserve to find a level of happiness that isn't always penetrated by someone else's unhappiness or personal rage that spills over into your life. Some people are so angry at your happiness that they will do whatever it takes to provoke you to step out of it and into their misery. This is what they do. Many of these people are in so much denial that they manage to convince other people that they are someone they clearly are not. The worst is that people cosign on their bullshit and they keep believing their own lie as if they didn't know that they were spewing lies.
Honestly, it's exhausting. lol
There are also people who have always found a way to distance themselves from me, through their actions, then turn around and claim I created the distance. I can't focus on cultivating relationships with these people because they live in cycle that keeps repeating itself. I can't continue waiting to see when the other shoe is going to drop and wait to be treated like shit again. No one wants to say "I was wrong." They love to start with "Well, you..." Not ever acknowledging their character that is questionable.
I am very transparent or at least I try to be. I try to be completely aware of my character (flaws and all), when I react to certain situation and if my reactions are reasonable or if I have reacted in such a way that adds to the negativity. I hate feeling like I'm a victim so I try not to act like I am but I will say this.
I have feelings. SURPRISE!!! I care, aLOT, and I probably care too much. I feel that part of me shifting. I'm willing to let go of people who decides I'm not worthy of their love, respect or care. I can't fool with these complicated conditional relationships because I've tried to be a good friend, daughter, sister, aunt, girl friend, etc. I have never been perfect. I don't know everything. I have been accused of thinking I was both perfect and know everything but I'm learning that when people say that about you, many times, they are probably mad because they were right about them. lol. People are funny; ha ha and otherwise. If you can't even be honest with yourself, you sure as hell can't be honest with me or anyone.
Anyway, I'll conclude with this. Loving someone is not about agreeing with them every day. Loving someone is not about them agreeing with you or supporting your bad behavior or choices. Love is suppose to be unconditional but the truth is there are many conditions behind why we choose to love.
I simply don't know how I can love people who hurt you, threaten you, try to antagonize you, lies about you, try to convince others to hate you, allows others to convince them to treat you differently, etc. I don't want to understand people who set out to make themselves look better by making you look bad. Negative to the core, I can't love that. This includes family and people who once called me "friend". I have always left the door open for reconciliation but that door has closed. That's a very hard thing to confess because I'm not sure if it's derived from emotion or many years of considering how I have let others affect me or mistreat me.
I am dedicated to having a loving spirit. I confess that I'm having a problem with that right now. I don't trust people. I don't believe in some people. I don't believe some people have my best interest at heart. I don't know if distance makes the heart grow fonder because that hasn't been true for me yet but I feel the time is drawing closer where I will be making some changes and may not stay here.
Seattle is looking better and better.
Wherever I go, I'll take love with me.
