WELCOME TO THE FIRST INSTALLMENT OF TARA: 30 SOMETHING, SINGLE IN THE CITY AND DISGUSTED

Now you all know that the blog show will be named something else tomorrow. lol  okay heeeeeeeeeeeere we go!



O. M. FRIGGIN' G.

So I was, understandably, upset. First, because I thought I would have some time off but nope. Well that is a blessing though because I would have been off without pay so at least I'll have income. Now, secondly, I'm standing in the rain, waiting for the bus and a group of us are standing together talking trash about Metro and as the older gentleman is talking I look at the rain falling. Thank God for the rain. Have you ever tried to focus on individual drops as it poured? It's impossible but if you try it appears that the speed of the rain falling almost slows down. It's pretty awesome. ANYWAY, BACK TO THE STORY.

I'm standing at the Metro waiting for the bus and I listen to this young man walk up to a girl standing next to me waiting for her bus also and he starts with "How are you doing? My name is ....." and that's not bad because normally the men don't bother to introduce themselves. They are talking a little and I hear him say "Do you have a Facebook page?" and I thought to myself, 'self. WOW. we don't even ask for numbers anymore. Just "friend" me on FB. lol. I thought that was funny but on with my portion of events.

As we waited 45 minutes for a bus that was due within the first 5 minutes of us standing there, finally it arrives so a crowd of people run across the street and get on the bus. As the rain comes down even harder, I'm on the bus now and there is a line of people waiting in the rain to get on as this lady decides to stop and put money on her card, holding up the line therefore, making the people stand in the rain. 45 MINUTES AT THE METRO STATION AND SHE COULDN'T GO TO A MACHINE IN THE STATION TO DO THAT???? HUMPH! SOME PEOPLE.

Well one of the guys get on and he seems to be a jokester but says something to me and says hello as he goes to the back of the bus. I did speak but just sat and waited to go. His friend, an older gentleman sat across from me so he came back and sat across from me. I tried to act like I wasn't listening to them talking about me when the friend said "Yeah, we're talking about you." lol...They were saying I was attractive and I was trying not to laugh but couldn't help it. No, I wasn't blushing. I was, straight up, laughing. The jokester asked my name then introduced himself, "Hi, My name is Charles." and extended his hand. I shook it. The friend says, "if I was a few  years younger I'd give you a run for your money." To myself I though, "Sir, please give  him a run for his money. You're not that old." lol
Charles and I chat a little and he ask for my number. OF COURSE I HESITATE! He then gives me his number and was about to get off so I gave him my number. Not the cell though. That's a bit much if I don't like you. lol. But I gave him one of my numbers.

Side Note:  I have had people call and call and call and call...even after telling them I was no longer interested...and call and call and call some more. GEEZ! TAKE A HINT, WILL YA?!

RESUMING STORY:
Charles and  his friend get off and they wave goodbye to me and the guy sitting to my right says "so what was the last 2 numbers?"

I said "WHAT??? HOW ARE YOU HIJACKING SOMEONE'S NUMBER???" He said I have your name, Tara, I just need the last 2 numbers." I said "That was for him. How do you figure I want to give you my number? No." Then he says "I have most of it. I must be into you if I have this much." and proceeds to try to convince me to give him the number. I say "no." Family, why did this clown, and when I say that, if you'd seen him...you would know I'm not lying, go on to say what he can do and what he can buy right now and what he can spend. I look at him with the shrug and hands up like "What is that suppose to mean?" so he says "Why did you do that?' and I say "What is that suppose to mean?" lol...

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT...pause for even more comic relief.

He says, I can dial all the numbers. I have unlimited." LOVED ONES...His phone looked like it will break if you answered it too fast. lol.

We're almost to the end. lol

This jackleg fool, then says (as he sits their rubbing his crotch....like REALLY THOUGH?????) "I can buy you anything you want right now. I know I can do more than him." I then say "and telling someone that is not impressive. Not to me anyway." I ring the bell and say goodnight and get off. Once I was off the bus, in the down pour, I realized, I'd gotten off a stop too early. I just had to get away from that awful mess of a man.

And Family, this is why I, at 36 years old, hate interacting with guys and most of the time I don't even attempt to chat with some of them. remind me loved ones, the next time I'm out in public and a man says anything to me

"RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
UUUUUUUUUUUU
UUUUUUUUUUUUU
UUUUUUUUNNNNNNNN


LIKE HELLLLL!

Men who take the Metro and try to talk to a woman call us stuck up for not wanting to talk to you at the metro. THIS IS WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY WE DON'T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Good night. lololol

MOVIE MANIA!!!!

Okay so there are a LOT of movies I didn't get a chance to see this summer. I know, I'm just as surprised as you are. I have decided that for the next 30 days I'm going to catch each movie I hadn't see. If they are out of the movies then I'll catch them when they hit Direct TV. lol. I have done this  before where I went to the movies almost everyday for a month but to my defense, I didn't have a tv at my apartment and my friends at the time, sucked. lol. In 30 days I'll tell you guys what I saw. lol. Can't wait. and the first movie begins tomorrow at 6pm. Let the fun begin!!! Hey, I may even throw in a few stage plays and live music sets in there.

I am not going to be a murderer.

Okay, so I don't mean murderer of the physical being but a murderer of blessings, dreams and destiny. We tend to look at our lives and wonder why we are not living a prosperous life and one reason for that is we are not adhering to the guidelines God has set up for us to follow in order to live in the land of plenty instead of (as Pastor Joyce Meyers says) living in the "land of even". The words we speak have the power to breathe life into a situation or it may bring forth its demise. I am a living testimony to how words can spring forth remarkable blessings but unfortunately, I am also a testimony to the fact that when you speak negative words into a situation, the situation absorbs the negativity and soon withers because there is not life force to help it grow. Disparaging words cannot bring forth a harvest. I have learned that in order to reap the rewards of a great and prosperous harvest you, first, have to plant the seed and then after the seed has been planted you have to create the nurturing and proper conditions for the seed to grow.




I like to be a positive person and most of the time I, sincerely, am. I have to confess, though, that with all the positivity I try to encourage others to have, I now see where I have been the source of death for blessings that God wanted for me and I forfeited them.



I joke and kid sometimes and my friends and family know me better but the truth is I am not exempt from falling into a place where negativity dwells within and I not only know this but I have embraced it on some level; telling myself "I'm human. I can wallow in this for a while. It won't hurt anyone because I don't intend to hurt anyone" but that frame of thinking is already self destructive. I look back on my desire for education, career, relationships and I can clearly see moments where I thought my hurt or anger was justified and that hurt, anger and bitterness has caused me to lose. I tell myself "oh things work out as they should because God must want it this way." That isn't true. God wants us to be prosperous and to be blessed until our blessings are "pressed down, shaken together and running over" but we use God as an excuse for our shortcomings when it is us who have not taken the time to listen to Him and follow His guidelines for living a blessed life.



Many people, including myself, have lost opportunities because we just HAD to speak something negative into the situation. For example, before I was unemployed in 2008, I actually spoke that I would get fired. I jokingly spoke the words and no sooner as the idea became a faint thought, I'd gotten the news that my contract was not going to be renewed. Another example was one of my previous relationships. Everything was great until words began. The feelings of confusion and feeling unappreciated and finally saying things like "when do you know when to let go of love" began a chain reaction that ended in heartbreak. I can't say that my words caused the initiation of these events but they helped in the breakdown of each one. Imagine if I'd gone to work with a positive attitude and spoke of elevation instead of unemployment. Maybe I still would have been laid off but I can almost guarantee that my transitional period would not have been as long.



Imagine if I'd said, in my relationship, "We will be stronger together and God will see us into a realm of happiness that people won't even begin to understand"? Maybe we still would have broken up but I can almost guarantee that the feelings that led to the moment to let go may not have happened. Truth is I don't know what would have happened in those circumstances but I do know this. I am a woman of God and I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I love God with all my heart and it took me all this time to finally get it. I had that moment of "DOY" in church the other day. My source of power, energy, love, blessings, comfort, sustainability...all of that was right here waiting for me to turn and say "Lord, I will not attempt to do this on my own." There is absolutely nothing I can do for myself that will out do what God can do for me and through me. Today I seek prosperity and joy. Today I will speak positive life into ever breath I take. I will no longer murder my possibilities. I will give them life through my words and my faith. I hope you will join me in doing the same. Peace and blessings unto you all!

people are funny

It's amazing how some people support the hard decisions you have to make about other people but when you stand your ground with them, they get mad at you as if you've done something to them. I am always honest about how I feel about something or someone and I understand that people want conditional honesty (that is, as long as they are happy with it) but I cannot accommodate everyone, nor will I try.  It's one TRU and everyone gets the same one.

SMOOCHES!

"WHAT A DIFFERENCE A DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY MAAAAAAAAAKES"

Today I'm singing. and now I'm flipping back to the happy side of my bipolar personality. (I'm not really bipolar. Just human with emotions all.)  The last two days have been pretty freaking great. I'm working on my application process for school. I have to shoot 24-30 great photos for my portfolio and process some myself. Can you say a "Dark Room"? I can't wait to get back in the dark room. I love the focus I have there.  Also, and this part is why I'm so giddy. lol...

So yesterday I saw this guy and was like "WHOA!" Oh my goodness, when I say "fine"??? G'LAWD HAVE MERCY! LOL...I think my heart fluttered a little. I haven't had THAT "new crush" flutter in a minute. lol...Sad though. Word on the street is he's probably gay. lolol. I have sources. That didn't stop the brotha from being fine. I just imagine him straight. lolol

Moving on. I had an email exchange with a new friend of mine today that made my heart a little happier. He lives in London and after all of our communications I never really gave a thought to him being more than just a friend in London until he mentioned something about going to Jamaica and threw in a " I should come hang out with him since I'm closer. (wink wink, nudge nudge)". I'm pretty certain that I won't be going to Jamaica, though nothing is really stopping me, but I would rather hook up with him in DC when he comes to visit family in a few weeks.  This is pretty exciting though. For the first time he mentioned me being beautiful and I was like "uh oh." lol.  Before now every conversation has been very Rated G and nice. No flirting or anything. This should be interesting. lol

I told him it would be cool to have a friend to show me around London when I go to visit. I'm going to visit. lol. My passport has an attitude with me for not being used enough.  Now if I can find a friend in Italy, Japan, New Zealand, Brazil and Hawaii. lol.  THEN I'll be cookin'!  (raising a glass) Here's to new friends. You never know where life will take you. Hey, I'm single. I have no kids and I'm a very grown woman. There's nothing stopping me from enjoying the world. You guys should too!

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I FEEL LIKE I AM MAKING A MISTAKE.

In a moment you say, send, write something that you really mean, there is no turning back. I feel like I can't stop writing. lol. the dang head and heart are going at it, big time!  Because my thoughts are so explosive the only way to keep them from being completely combustive is for me to let a little out at a time. Right now I just feel like I'm writing too much, not enough, the wrong thing, the right thing, what I feel, what I think I should feel,  what people try to tell me I feel, what I mean, what I don't mean;

CALGON!!!!!!!!! TAKE ME AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Is it pathetic to admit a need? Is it needy to admit a want? I am trying to look towards the day when I don't feel like a crazy lady spinning her wheels. I internalize everything and that's why i keep writing; to let some of it out. Seems like the more I try to do to distance myself from some feelings and thoughts the more intense they become. THIS IS NUTS!
 Question: Do you think you can feel what someone else is feeling though you aren't with them or is it that you want them to feel a certain way so you convince yourself that they MUST be feeling what you wish they felt? lolol...that got a little convoluted didn't it? I have always been intuitive and most of the time I turn out to be right, not because I think I'm right but it just turns out that way. Now my intuition is telling me some things and I don't know if I'm right this time because if I am right, it doesn't matter. I still feel like a crazy lady. lol.
What the hell is wrong with me? I don't like this. I was fine. I am fine so why such anxiety?

It's heavy.

So you may notice my sort of bipolar range of emotions over the last few posts. lol. Well, I have absolutely no idea how to calm myself. Right now I think my thoughts are so sporadic that they are not really confusing me but leading me to a little anxiety. It's a mixture of excitement and fear for the future; sadness and mourning for the past; uncertainty and questioning of the present. I just woke up at 5:30 am and think I slept about 12 hours straight. MY body hurts now. lol.I think my body and mind have both collapsed me. I needed the rest though. I have been running around all week and I'm not done because I have to sing today. 3-4 days in the gym, 2 days walking, at work 5 days and none of that includes the mental preparation I'm going through with my future. I am both looking forward and dreading all the work I must do. I'm tired just thinking about it. Oh well, nothing comes to us just by sitting there thinking about it so I'll suck it up. In one year, I want to look back at this blog and see a major difference in my life, my attitude, my level of happiness and confidence in my abilities to be an individual in a world of clones. Stay tuned. This will be interesting. Good Morning.

blank pages.

The last few days have been bitter sweet for me. I have finally made some major decisions concerning my future and I am totally excited about them but it's not the future I envisioned a few months ago. I felt like my eyes were stinging the other night as I had to tell someone goodbye. I didn't want to and I still don't but I don't know what else I can do about a friendship that was more than a friendship. How do you go backwards? I don't think I can. It's too painful to revert to a state that can no longer satisfy your desire for more. The hardest thing I've ever had to do is tell someone that I adore completely that I can't communicate with them any longer. It is so hard to do what you have to do when it's not what you want to do. I was so hurt I communicated this to them and normally I keep things to myself but blogging is helping me move forward. I know someone understands (but some may not) that to love and want someone but have to let them go is unbelievably devastating.

If the hands of time were reset to a certain point I'm not sure if I'd change anything but from where I stand, what I feel and know are at war. Time doesn't necessarily heal all wounds. Some of those wounds are numbed to the point where it's  just bearable to keep moving but the point is to keep moving. I have to literally tell myself everyday, in real live words out loud, that "Everything will be okay."

There have been people who have physically hurt me, emotionally hurt me and psychologically hurt me but I have always viewed these things as "necessary hurt", if you can understand what I mean by that. It's pain that you have to go through to get to the next level of your life. Some of it, of course you can do without but some things are unavoidable. Every strike, every unwanted advance, every rude and mean word or rumor that has been directed towards me in my life, I still remember. For me, these years are going to be happy even if I have to experience sadness to get there. I laughed today. I joked today. I talked trash about the pitiful cowboys fans! lol Above all, I am here. Eventually, you can let go of people but the heart has an instant replay that can remind you of how you really felt about a person.

I had to tell myself yesterday "Tru, you just don't know people." I have always said that people will only tell you and show you what they want you to know about them. My problem? I show everything. If you knew me in 1995 and see me in 2010, this woman has the same spirit but more wisdom. If I love you, you'll know. If I love you today, I'm going to love you 20 years from now. Even if I don't see you or talk to you. Time is just an idea. Time can not reach into my mind and spirit and smoosh it around with a hand but it is I who have to navigate where my feelings go. I'm just hoping that I'll, one day, find someone who understands that. For this day, I'll just continue to move forward. It's hard letting go when you really don't want to. When you wait for the other person but it's not in them to reciprocate your feelings, you have to let go completely. That's the only way you can really heal.

COLD TURKEY BABY! Oh, my! That was just horrible. lolol.

Where to?

OMG! lol...I amuse myself. Might as well right? I'm sitting at my desk at work now talking to some of my co-workers and we're talking about my tentative proposed maybe probably most likely move to NY and both say "Really? You want to move to NY?" lol then one says "I hate NY." and the other says "I love NY but the pace is too fast for me." Then one of them (the one that hates NY) proceeds to say "There is a one bedroom house available next to me." ummm, didn't she JUST hear me say I'm leaving DC??? lol and why in the hamsammiches...

would I want to move to Just Street, NE??? I live in SE now and I don't have a problem with SE but with the bad reputation it has always had I STILL wouldn't move to certain parts of NE. NW or SW for that matter.

I have gotten some positive feedback about moving to NY. It's my first choice but not my only. Hey, I got me, a mic, a pen, a pad and a camera. I'll be fine no matter where I go. and if I hook up with my new friend in London, HELL, I may end up across the pond. Not necessarily with him but just there. At least I'll have a friend there. I can go anywhere right now.

I just have to get up and go. oh and get some money. Anyone need a kidney???? lol

Tonight, I Move On.

Tonight I have decided to sever all connections with people who are not good for my life as well as those who feel I am not good for them. Each step we take in this life should be leading us SOMEWHERE and to just let days, weeks, months and years go by with no real destination in sight is a waste of time, energy and dreaming. Why live in a dream when reality awaits? Why put energy into people and things that won't increase you and for whom you cannot assist to increase and elevate?  I'm not a kid anymore. I haven't been for almost 20 years so now I say to myself and others "What have you learned in all this time and how will you use it to meet your spiritual, physical, emotional and psychological needs?  The time for playing childish games is over. Now is the time to stand up on that faith we are always talking about. I am 36 years old and I love being 36 years old but you would hope with age and experience, some wisdom would also be acquired and for me that is true. Everyone I have encountered in my life has meant a great deal to me. Even the people in my past and present who oppose me, my views, my spirit and heart; they have helped me to cultivate the spirit within. I have cried something awful over the years but more than the tears, I have laughed and loved and those always out weigh the sorrowful time.

I wish everyone well. I sincerely do but it's time to plant some seeds for the growth of a new harvest.  In my future there is love, success, beauty, family and peace. I am working on the fearless path to those destinations. Those who love and encourage will experience as much love as I can give them and those who tear down, destroy and hold on to immature nature because of a fear of being strong enough to grow up and progress...all I can say is I wish them well. At some point we all want more and want to be more. We can. We just can't be scared to close our eyes and open our minds and hearts and leap. You will fly or fall but if  you just stand still nothing will ever happen. We have to leap forward into our destiny, our love, our future of fulfillment and happiness.

Some of us revisit the past and the people and things that were safe and familiar but not good for our lives. We have to be willing to embrace, not just the obvious good things and people that seem to put us in a good place but we need to step outside of ourselves and fight for those that truly help us, in love, to become a better version of ourselves. I know my future will be okay. Somehow, no matter what I go through I ALWAYS end up okay and that, my dear loved ones, is no coincidence.

Stay Tru!

Sunday Love

The dust has settled from a night of contemplation
and your reactions are filtered by the sensation of a hope
that you won't be overtaken by the stresses of this life.

You wonder, though, if you will have to intercept the glimpse of another reality
to make what you feel seem more accurate or more relevant or just simply
make more sense.

When you sit back and close your eyes
your mind pulls you into places where light is not just bright, but filling;
with a density that allows you to stick your hand in the center of it, hold onto it
and take some of it with you.

It feels thick. It feels soft.
It is not a scorching physical flame but can set your heart on fire
while cooling all anxiety;

a fire that consumes only fear, doubt, troubles and worries
yet renews, transforms, comforts and elevates.

Saturday's idle rants of a struggling journey are silenced
by a Sunday love that is a compass of unyielding grace..

Your only requirement is to let this day take you where it may.



Written by: T. L. Aldridge, C. 2010

Tonight I have to think of me.

This year, my life has been unlike any other year of my life. I pray that the last quarter of this year will yield unbelievable happiness and fulfillment for me. I have grabbed a hold of love only to have it yanked away. I have seen my purpose in the distance and am now making tracks towards that purpose. I have been totally independent only to have to learn to swallow my pride and ask for help. I have had to speak up and be quiet, all within the same time frame. I have had to re-evaluate who I am, what I want as well as what I feel I deserve, be it the love of a strong supportive man who loves me enough not to let go so easily or the happiness of doing something I am meant to do and be who I am meant to be and telling myself "YOU ARE GREAT AT THIS!" I have cried to God to let His will be done and at the same time questioned why His will included my heartache. ALL of this has been to build me up for my next step. No matter how hard it appears, I made it through the last chapter and I'll make it through the next.

It's amazing how strong we appear to people on the outside and even those who know what you have gone through have not been in your secret place to feel your pain, hear your cries or lift your head when you felt the pressure of life holding it down.  They don't understand why you rejoice like you do now because they don't know that you were one word, one reaction, one tear drop away from just going and never coming back. Some people may understand the situation but your feelings, thoughts, rationalizations and heart all belong to you and no one will ever be able to fully understand why and how you cope with the things you do.

I have watched some people walk out of my life this year and not really know why. At the time, I was completely baffled but now I have to say that what's not for me is not for me and who is not for me is not for me. You can love someone with the power that could set a blaze the most massive icebergs in the Arctic but that cannot make them love you any more than they are going to or even can love you. You can be the best friend to someone but if they are not going to be a friend to you you can not make them. I don't care how proud you are, you can fall to your knees and cry out "WHY? WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?" and God's reply may be "Why not you? Are you expecting to move through this life without trials? How will that help you grow? Do you not see my love helping you come through this?"  My reply???? "Can you love me a little softer? I'm gettin' bruised up ova here!" lol


I am trying to move forward and I'm not sure if the past wants to let go completely. My hand is completely open and even if I have to cry as I walk away, I have to walk away. The next chapter awaits.