i feel me changing
i try to tell myself "don't do that. don't touch your head. don't touch your face. be calm. don't shake. don't twitch. don't let people see you falling a part. they will call you 'insane' and they may be right."

maybe it's my penalty. i tried to leave. i wanted to but i couldn't

maybe it is my penance that i slowly see myself disappear into darkness.

i tried. i did try. i cried out for help and saw more emptiness. i try with what i know because i can still see myself but feel me fading. i can't focus. it has become involuntary, these movements that let the world know that something isn't right. it feels like being paralyzed on a train track as the train approaches.

i tried to leave. i called for him but everything was quiet. i wanted to be yellow again but i'm purple and stuck. i see the lightening but i was trying to get back to yellow but i'm purple. there is no more normal.

if i keep writing, maybe i will remember.

i don't remember her. i don't remember me. if i stop moving, maybe the quiet will calm me.
i don't know.
i don't know.
i don't know.
i don't know.
i don't know.
i don't know.
i don't know...

The trouble with having a soft heart

I saw myself floating away
I saw myself stuck in a space of paralyzed fear; too scared to reach out to me
The me left behind with glassy-eyed sadness of regret from a life laden in harsh emotion
I could no longer reach me
I can no longer be me
I wept because I cared
I weep because she didn't
She never knew the love she deserved because it never appeared
Not even to a child that never felt the embrace of true compassion

now as she departs, all that's left is a tear with her universe inside
falling to become a part of the memory of existence
she will never touch it again
I can never touch it again
feeling the memories burning through the fabric of a tortured heart
I want to turn my head one last time to remember that she/I/we did exist
if no one ever speaks of us again
We know we were here
and we wanted to love
and be love
but only one of those things happened
so now we drift into the void