Life in perspective

Each day you wonder what will happen that will change the course of your current situation in life. What will be that thing or that event that you cannot ignore or turn away from? What will be done, will you have to do, or will happen that will set your life on a different course, place you on the proper course or stop you dead in your track and make you re-evaluate everything you think you know about life and yourself?   Some things happen that change the paradigm that we have built our lives around. Some things we have the power to change because we can see the patterns of our behavior or there are logical outcomes based on the situations but there are also instances where you have no idea that certain events will occur.  When you don't know something is going to happen, you cannot avoid that event from happening. 

Most people see situations on the news or hear others speak of certain misfortunes or tragedies and think "man, I'm sure glad that's not me." but when it is you, how can you cope?  What do you have inside of you that will help you carry on through the roughest of time without wanting to give up and throw in the towel?

Most people have their source of strength and belief system that gives them the coping skills even when they aren't sure they can fully give themselves to those systems at the moment when they are grasping to hold onto what they know vs what they feel.  I am a woman of faith. I have unwavering faith in God that has been tested time and time again but even in the moments I feel that maybe, just maybe God has decided not to keep me in his direct or peripheral view, I am still His child and that doesn't mean He doesn't love me or isn't paying attention.  We all have our moments when life takes you for a loop but what is that thing that brings you back to the reality that, in the simplest way I can put it, "Life Happens"?

No person is exempt from bad things happening. People would like to reserve all bad events for the people who do bad things, hurt people, are mean and evil but the truth is that life doesn't discriminate.  Good and bad happen to all people.  The important thing is to always understand that so that whatever happens, you won't have a false sense of undeserved events or God being unfair for "letting" something happen to you.   You are human. Life happens to humans. People live. Everyone at some point will die regardless of how long we want to live.  We don't want to see our loved ones hurt or die but even if you have the good fortune to live a life with minimum tragic events, you will experience some pain even if indirectly. 

As I write this I am sitting in a hospital waiting room in PG County, MD where my brother-in-law is in ICU due to someone hitting him with a car while he was walking home two nights ago.  The person hit him, got out of the car and fled, leaving my brother-in-law in the road.  This situation could have been much worse had it not been for a pedestrian passing by and called 911 to get him help. What is amazing is even though he suffered a broken pelvis, broken wrist, broken nose, punctured lung, broken bones near his eye, broken ribs and a few more injuries...O_O, he was able to laugh, pray and talk a little.  I am ever grateful at the spirit  which he carries with him because without his faith and the drive to live and have a more abundant quality of life with the gift of a second chance, his healing may not be as complete as it can be. I believe our attitude and level of faith has a great deal to do with how you heal. 

His spirits are wonderful for a man who is in so much pain. He expresses his love to all his friends and family and those who didn't even know him but interceded in prayer on his behalf.  I admire the drive to simply survive but when you want to live you will yourself to get through the pain.  He will be okay.  I believe and trust he will be.  I love my brother and when he hurts, our whole family hurts.  When he is in need, we are all available to help him. 

Life tends to come out of left field and tackle you but as long as life is present, you can get up and move forward even if the steps are short and someone has to hold you up.  KEEP GOING!!!

Everybody ain't got a word

Okay. So, in my cleaning extravaganza this morning, I listened to a J. Moss song called "Everybody Ain't Got a Word" and I kinda laughed to myself because some of the lyrics are funny but the song speaks of a deeper understanding of what God's plan for your life may be and how some people, though some may think they are doing some good, could be interrupting the flow of blessings to your life by giving you information based on their own opinions and calling it "God inspired".  If you have a relationship with God where you seek him daily, move by His direction and understand where his plan is taking you, you can tell the difference between what He wants for you and what you want to do that isn't in line with His will for your life. There are many times we pray for things that we know we shouldn't have and even though there is NO SIGN OR MESSAGE FROM GOD validating that thing, we create, seek and find ANYTHING that will make us feel like that wrong thing is right to do.  In kind, there are some people who want so much to be "THAT PERSON" who is responsible for good things in your life so they can lay claim to it that they will come to you with the "I have a word from God" and if  you know the character of some people, you know, in your spirit, who these people really are and what motivates those words.

I am a firm believer that God can use whomever He chooses to relay a message to His people. I also believe that the enemy will try the same tactic and cover deception under the guise of holiness. Be careful. Pray for discernment and you will begin to understand that God is wondrous and will not lead His children into destruction. Being in an uncomfortable position designed to eventually build you up is completely different that being in a place designed to destroy you. The deception of words is detrimental to the plan God has set up for you. Words can bring down an empire. Words can end friendships. Words can end marriages. Words can cause a person to lose themselves in a world that, by their view, doesn't love or care about them. Action may speak louder than words sometimes but words can cause hurt, harm, and hopelessness. Everything people tell you isn't golden.

Know that if the Lord sends you a message, it will be confirmed in time. Don't just jump because someone said something that sounds good to you.  You know your heart and what you desire. That thing you desire can be a wonderful thing but God may have more in store for you so he wants you to be patient. Understand, being patient and waiting on God may be an arduous feat but if you want to reap the benefits of the blessings He's designed for you, patience is required. Understanding that point, be mindful who you share your dreams and desires with because you may think this person is helping but if they are not praying with and for you on your dreams and desires, they may turn into a hindrance instead of a help. God speaks but he doesn't always go through a cycle of people to get the message through to you. He can bring it directly to your spirit. You may even try to run from some of the things He place in your spirit directly but the thing is...you can't run from God. No matter how much you don't want to believe; no matter how much you think you know; no matter how much you trust yourself and others, God will always make Himself known.


Lots of people want to call themselves prophets or be the ones to give a "prophetic word" and claim they are led by the "spirit" but every spirit isn't from God. Honestly, I think the word "prophetic" makes some people feel like they have just encountered something "deep" and use the word out of context. I have had many people tell me I have said prophetic words and this has always been my reaction:

O_O

lol

There are some things that sound true that are really not so be mindful of that before you leap thinking you are going into a God ordained endeavor then find yourself in turmoil because you have followed someone into the lion's den.  There will always be people there to push you into a fleshly, earthly desires and there are some who will be your "Amen Corner" when your desire is not necessarily fleshly or earthly but still may not be meant for you. Seek the Lord for yourself. Under His guidance, trust yourself to follow the right path. People are always going to tell you what they think or what they think God wants for you. Say thank you and continue praying, working and being faithful and whatever your path may be, it will be confirmed and you will know you are on the right tract.

Stay TRU!

Easier said than done but not IMPOSSIBLE

Forgiveness. We all like to say it and we all like to think that we have a good handle on how, when and whom to forgive but the truth is many people are still holding on to hurt that has caused them to have an altered view of their potential reality as well as their assumed past. I find that no one ever really has the whole truth about hurtful situations. They only have their perspective of events and outcomes and from that perspective, a judgment is made primarily based on immediate emotion. I say this not to say don't feel how you feel but to say that I understand that our anger can sometimes be justified by the events experienced but how often do we stop in the midst of our anger, rage, disappointments and chaotic reminiscing to truly see that there is a benefit to the awful experience. Heck no, I'm not saying that the events and experiences that cause you pain are good things but sometimes we have to talk ourselves down from the ledge long enough to get a better view of things.

People are...well, people. One thing we all must understand is the capacity humans have to disappoint and mess up is great. Being emotional thinkers, our species desires to rationalize everything and fit the human experience in a box.  Being an emotional spiritual thinker creates a three dimensional view of these same experiences.

If you do not operate under the emotional spiritual thinker umbrella, you will only see the problem and the result. When you add the spiritual component to your existence, you will not only see the problem and the result but you will also see the purpose. It's hard, I know, to want to see the purpose in an awful experience but what we must ask ourselves is this: The person you have become, would you have been a better person without the challenging experiences? Would you understand you will to persevere? If that person would have stayed in your life, would they have contributed to you being a better person or would they have contributed to the development of a careless, loveless, uninspired version of yourself? How can we determine if an absence or presence has truly enhanced our lives to it's full potential of being?  The answer to all of those questions is simply, "We simply do not know."

Being the emotional spiritual thinker that I am, I can share many stories with people about hardships, disappointments, mistreatment, abuse, depression, challenges and what feels like missed opportunities to be better but I will say this, without understanding my spiritual purpose, I would never be able to reconcile the issues of the past (and present).  Without the peace that surpasses all understanding, I couldn't sleep at night. People ask me why am I so calm most of the time. My answer is when you have gone through some of the storms I have, a drizzling rain doesn't phase you.

We all are examples of the outcomes of our experiences. We are the living billboard for what happens when you approach a problem in a particular way.

People hurt us more than we are willing to confess and some of us can't move forward because we harbor so much anger and hatred for these people. We curse them and carry with us a burden that the person who caused it may never actually know about. What is I told you that while you are so angry at that person for leaving that you are missing that because that person left, it activated your determination to be dedicated and never leave the ones you love? What if that event, for some reason, enhanced your determination to never place anyone else in the angry and hurt position you are in? What the emotional thinkers miss that the emotional spiritual thinker grasp is that after seeing that despite those bad situations, you still have a spirit of survival and overcoming and the person you are is in a crazy way BECAUSE of the hurt you've experienced. Once you can appreciate who you are, not saying that there aren't components in your life you wish were different as a result of the past, you are able to release the hurt little by little. It's not an easy process but it's not impossible.  Your past designed the version of yourself.

Forgiveness is not for the person who wronged you.  Forgiveness is for your heart and mind.  Some people hurt others not because they intend to but because they don't know how not to. I have always believed that God, in his infinite sometimes confusing wisdom, knows what He's doing even when terrible things happen that makes us question if he is really there and if he is, why is he allowing these things to happen.  Have you ever heard the phrase "Hurt people hurt people"?  Well, it's true but we must make an effort to break this vicious cycle and forgiveness is the tool for the job.

God never said if you live by his will that no pain will befall you.  He never said he will ensure you never struggle. He never said that He will remove the storm so you won't experience it. What He will do is be our strength when we are weak. He will carry us when we can't walk any further. He will comfort us when we grieve. He will watch over us when our earthy stewards leave us alone. He will hear your cry and above all, He will answer.  The mistake we make is assuming God will answer our prayers and request in the time in which we desire or demand.

God is not our personal valet.

With all that we request from God, we still have a responsibility of our own.  With the experiences we are given, we still have to activate our faith and work at it. Nothing is easy and


Someone walked away from you. Your dad left as a kid. Your mom decided she couldn't take it so she walked away. That sister or brother you loved so much decided they didn't want to stay under your parents' roof anymore so they bailed. The experience left you broken, confused and angry. It's important that once you have reached a point where you can stop and reflect on your life that you not focus just on the bad and with a desire for healing understand the events that happened and begin the process of letting go.

As a kid, you see things one sided but the truth is you will never know exactly why people leave and why they felt they had to. If they though it necessary to leave, even for selfish reasons, would you have rather that person stay in your life and be a negative or harmful influence? Parents' split and try to spare the children the truth but sometimes the stories that aren't told leave voids that are filled with angry interpretation of events that may not be accurate and if they are, they cause such injury sustaining memories leaving a person wounded.  If you live to reach adulthood and has someone to love you unconditionally, take that experience and let yourself let some of the bad go. The people who love you now, can you imagine your life without them? If you didn't go through the tough times, would you have made it to this level of love that is more than you imagined. The hurt had a purpose and after you realize that it did, it's time to begin the healing process of forgiveness and letting the pain go.  Forgiveness doesn't mean the memories go away but once you have peace you may find you don't think of the bad stuff as much and when you do, you grieve for a moment but you say "It made me who I am today" and you keep on pushing.

Life for me, my loved ones, ain't been no crystal stairs but I was allowed to peak over the banister to see a different view of things. I don't do much preaching or advice distribution to people about how to live, forgive or just be but people ask me because they see something. I struggle just like everyone but every so often someone may ask me something out of the blue which lets me know that people do watch you.

One question I'm asked often is "How do you deal with your stress and depression?" There is not cookie cutter answer for that. I just remember that I have made it through other storms and I have faith I'll make it through current storms and if I don't make it, I know I gave it a good fight and didn't faint.

I pray that we, as adults, learn how to deal with, not only the difficult moments of the present but the moments in the past that we still hold onto. It's not easy. Have enough faith in yourself that you can trust that God will give you what you seek. Peace.  Wrong doers will have their moment of judgment. Don't wait around so you can sit on the jury. Live. Life fully! Live with love! Live with gratefulness that you have made it to a point of being able to let go. All that's left to do now is let go and live life more abundantly!

Loved ones, I wish you peace and happiness for today, tomorrow and forever.

B@peace!
Stay TRU

The Balancing Act

Love, whether pursuing, beginning or ending a relationship, is probably one of the most difficult emotions to navigate simply because your emotional mind doesn't always know what's good for the rest of you. Your emotions are like selfish kids who don't want anyone else playing with their toys even when they aren't playing with them. The reason: because they are mine and when I'm ready, I want them where I left them so that I can play with them by myself. sigh...Unfortunately, having this type of attitude about people just doesn't work the same. 

There was a DeBarge song out some years ago called "The Heart Is Not So Smart" and for some reason, the lyrics to this song have never left me. Anytime I have been in or close to being in a relationship I think of that song. The truth in that song is no more apparent than when you are actually in a relationship and are in the midst of a battle between the heart and mind. You are torn between what you know and what you feel. Sometimes, even though what you feel may feel good momentarily, your mind knows it won't last. sigh.

The reason this topic comes to mind is I have been thinking a lot lately about the possibility with moving on to new relationships and I'm honest to say that I do want to but I don't want to. I do because my mind and heart knows it would be good to have a healthy relationship not just for intimacy but for social and mental stimulation. I'm not a big social person so I do have difficulties engaging others on a personal level. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not against engaging new people and I will talk your ears off for hours and hours but there is a hesitation when it comes to engaging people with the intent on melding hearts and becoming emotionally and romantically attached. I'm a novice at this love thing or at least I still feel that way after all these years.  I don't think I am really willing or able to open up myself to someone on an emotional level right now. There is a healing process we have to make sure we go through when our idea of love, dedication and security has been battered and bruised so I am taking my time. Need to get Tru straight alone befor joining forces with someone else's emotional state.  OH GAWD! lol 

This is the crossroad where one side of the fork in the road says "Dead end. No oulet." and the other say "Freedom. What are you waiting for? But proceed with caution." Can you imagine if there really were road signs like that. Maybe we'd make better decisions. 

On the other hand, I WANT to be pouty. I WANT to say "no you can't move on without me." I WANT to say "Who cares what people say? I want to do what feels good or comfortable for me right now." I want to wollow in what I once thought was a great love. See, the only thing about this state of mind is that it is the basis of the vicious cycle we are doomed to repeat if we don't stand up, dust ourselves off and take a new route. In the back of your mind you hope that somewhere on that new path, down the road, you'll run into that one you loved completely and you hope they have finally "gotten IT together' but you cannot rely on what you wish to come to fruition always. You just have to start walking down the new path with the expectation of your hearts desire being fulfilled, not just the way you want it to but they way it should and needs to be fulfilled.  If you stay on the same wrong misguided path, you're saying I'm willing to go through that pain with my eyes wide open.  Don't get made at the road. Get mad at your feet for walking in the same circle. Well, you don't really have to get mad but hey, that may be a way for you to get yourself to the next level of love and relationship. If we don't force ourselves to change our patterns of how and what we think about love and what we desire from a relationship then we may be willingly risking the suffocation of our own spirit then turn around and say "I don't know why this keeps happening." It keeps happening, honey, because you haven't done anything different. You just picked up the board game and moved it to another location. The pieces and their positions on the board have not changed. 

sigh.

In my transparency, I can be honest enough to say most days I feel I lost the love of my life. You know that person who no matter who you end up with or who you grow to love deeply, they will always be the one you wish everything had worked out perfectly with. You may know that person as the one who got away or it could be the one you had to walk away from. The idea of a soul mate is not ridiculous. I have learned a soul mate doesn't necessarily have to be someone you are romantically linked to but it could be a really good friend who understands the essence of you and loves and supports your overall well-being. Your soul mate wants your happiness to be complete even if it means they have to step out of the picture for you to find it. The thing about your soul mate is they aren't a supernatural being without flaws. They are human so they, just like us, make mistake and some, at times, seems irreversible and unforgivable. Even in those times they hurt you, you still have a deep love for them and this is why it's hard to be in a relationship with someone who you feel is your soul mate. They have the capacity to envelop your heart, protect it, love it, nurture it and make all things right or in an instant, they can rip it to shreds and leave you breathless because your love is THAT intense. 

Love... sometimes you just have to shake your head at it. 

Anna Kendrick - Cups (Pitch Perfect's "When I'm Gone")

The Income Tax

I thought I'd take time out to write a fitting tribute to how I feel about the preparation of income taxes. I hope you like it.



The Income Tax
by Tru Essence


Income taxes...

I hate'm




Thank you for your time and attention. I hope you enjoyed my poem. I understand the need for taxes and what the money does but this crappy system is getting on my nerves and living in DC where we have some of the highest taxes in the country and still not able to be a contributing voice on Capitol Hill is even more annoying.

Just my opinion.  Anyway...gotta get back to it. Right after I finish watching Family Guy. (^_^)

MOVIES!!!! AND OTHER RANDOM STUFF

So, you know I have a story, right?

This has been an interesting weekend so far and I have lots to do but I wanted to take time and relax so I went to see Captain America: The Winter Solder for the second time and this is all I have to say. People who HAVE to talk in the movies should have to silence their mouths the same way we have to silence our cell phone, dang it!

There was a woman who kept acting like each scene was affecting her physically. I think I may have, in my mind, gone up to her and poured my drink on her. I was wishing she was in the movie so the Winter Soldier could shut her up. I digress. Back to the movies.

I have a new movie crush and Mr. Black Falcon has the honor of being it. HA! Anthony Mackle did a really great job in his roll as  Sam Wilson (Black Falcon). I have liked him in many of the rolls he's played over the years. Sam's personality and energy compliments the in-place cast of recurring characters.  It was even better the second time I saw it with exception to THE WOMAN MAKING ALL THE NOISE A FEW ROWS BEHIND ME WITH HER JUST AS LOUD HUSBAND/BOYFRIEND GUY!

Anyway, I'm really looking forward to the next installment of the Marvel movies.

I also saw Noah. Lots of water. O_O

Other Random Stuff:

What's up with the kids?

So, I work with a cool group of kids a few days a week on art projects and we will working to produce a book featuring their drawings and short stories so I'm very excited to be working with them. This is forcing me to draw more and not be afraid to do what I have always wanted to do. In my searching for how to work with them, I had to ask myself "What is it that you love?" I couldn't really answer that question. As I search for the answer, I can at least do some of the things I like. :)

I'm trying.

Today is starting off tough. I'm feeling way too many things. Going to shoot photos at the Sakura Matsuri Festival today. I'm hoping I'l feel better soon. It's hard when no one expects the strong to get weak.

I'll feel better soon. :)


#declaration
#heartstillhurts
#someoneisstrugglingmorethanI

LOVE. YEP. LOVE

My last few days have been saturated with love songs. Loss of love, new love, spiritual love, etc., and it seems depending what condition your heart is in at the time, EVERY song has the potential to make you cry

CRAZY! I KNOW!!

Now, the happiest song on the planet right now is "HAPPY" by Pharrell. Can someone please tell me how that song can make you cry???  lol

It did. smh

Music is a powerful vehicle for the emotion of love. Music, in many ways similar to colors, have characteristics that trigger emotional reaction from the notes, combination of notes, chords as well as the instruments that play these note. A soft violin triggers different emotional reactions than the same song played by a tuba, sax or piano; just as a room painted a soft blue will have a different impact than if that same room was painted an electric orange or pink.   Our senses are delicate and are even more heightened when you are going through a myriad of emotions.

I'm already a weepy person when things are awesome anyway so the emotions have been intensified this week by the music, the images of love as I pass through the city but they are beautiful just that same.

Today my songs of choice have been Ariana Grande's "Honeymoon Avenue", "Right There" (thanks to my awesome niece Courtney for hippin' me to the new school) and From the movie Disney's Frozen, "Let it go" and "Do you want to build a snowman".  All beautiful songs. Cried listening to everyone. smh.

Love is beautiful and tragic; glorious and defeating; consuming and fleeting.  Love is an entity that humans are so arrogant to think we can contain in a mere definition of words. Love cannot be defined by words. Love can only be defined through action, touch, presence, honesty, truth, respect and many other things that reflect what love really is. Love cannot simply be accepted because it is uttered. Love is the flowing musical notes sang or played by someone that is experiencing or has experienced an intense emotion. Love is absorbed in the paints on a canvas; the lines on a sketchpad; the color palette chosen. Love is the embrace of security; the kiss that feels desperate and haunting, as if you are trying to make a moment last forever while time slips away. Love is the effort put forth to make that good thing someone believes in you to be a true reality. However, love also shows you the harshness of reality but remains long enough for you to accept it and it picks you up. Love is one of the most confrontational things in the world. When hate, evil and chaos are swarming around, ready to consume, love step up in its face and says "BACK OFF! YOU'RE NOT WELCOMED HERE, SO BEAT IT!"  Love is fierce. Love claws it's way to you when everyone else gives up on you and leaves your heart for dead. Love digs until it finds your pulse and resuscitates what was left.

Love is and will always be.

The love of God is ever constant and never changing. Man's arrogance tries to define it but it can't be defined. God loves so much that forgiveness comes to the un-deserving but it comes. Some people have said that they give people three strikes to be forgiven but after that, no dice. Game over. Hit the bricks.

What if God gave us just three strikes?

Do we love like God?

With all that I mentioned love to be, can we express all of that with just three strikes and let go?

I hope we learn to love better and more often. I hope the people who receive the love and are what some may say "un-deserving" will shift their insight on the importance of what love is. You can enjoy love but it's not a game to be played.  This is why people think you can win or lose love. Love is eternal. People won't agree with me but I think if you love someone truly, it will remain long after they have left you. Sometimes the people we love die, leave, move on, and maybe even break your heart but there was a time when the love was right there in your face and you did, indeed, love. I don't think that disappears. People grow cold sometimes and some have even said they hate others. I believe that in order to hate someone you once loved, you have to still harbor a little of that love because it wouldn't hurt so bad if you didn't.

Those are just my opinions. They may change tomorrow. (shrug)

Loved ones, love always. Love faithfully. Love intently. Love with a desperation to keep it forever.

Love.

Ariana Grande - Honeymoon Avenue (with lyrics)

Today...

I woke up from a dream today and was jolted into the reality that nothing is the same as yesterday.

Today it started sinking in and I finally wept. I cried a little before but this morning it was different.

I don't want this to be a sad post so I'll keep it short. I realized that one of the characteristics of humanity is the capacity to make mistakes. We all do. Our imperfection is why we are human.  In our humanity we long for love in wrong places, commit acts that will harm and hurt people physically and emotionally, we bend faith back like a spoon as if we are tempting it to break then ask why if it doesn't and if it does. I also understand that it is our humanity that longs for perfected love.

There was a little girl at the fountains yesterday while I sat and pondered on what feels like ghost images of someone I love.  I have moments where I'm all "I will survive" then there are moments when I feel like my breath is being pulled out of me like strands of cotton from a cotton ball. The little girl. She left her family across the plaza and sat behind me at the fountain.  I heard a little voice and I stopped to listen. She was about 8 years old and after she made her wish I watched her skip to the other side of the plaza and she looked like me when I was her age. I was astonished at fact that she'd wished my wish and had my likeness.

Her wish was "I wish I could have my own bff forever."

I thought that wish was granted for me but...

I'm praying for her that she receives exactly what her heart desires. She was beautiful and in her spirit was a genuine need to be loved by someone forever. She's looking for someone who will love her through any difficult season and share the good seasons with her. She's looking for the one she can tell her secrets to and will hold her when she doesn't know anything else to do. She's looking for honest and genuine love. I think we all need that. She made me both smile and cry because after 40 years, she may find her self at this fountain with a little girl making the same with she'd wished for on this day. I pray her coin was not wasted and pray she remains well.

My wish has expired. one week. it's no easier.

I feel forgettable. Maybe that's good.

Don't forget.

Sometimes we must simply Let it go. Embrace tomorrow.

I had no idea how much I would grow to love and understand this song. Perfect. Let it go. My heart feels so much better.

The cold never bothered me anyway.

 

Can a sister get a future?

It's 3am and I have a lot on my mind. Today has been quite a roller coaster.  I think the initial feelings of anger have subsided and the feelings of disappointment of the last week has settled. I decided to start this chapter of my life by saying "Yes" more.  I have joined a gym and went to my first zumba fitness class. I was excited to do something I hadn't done before. I have Zumba at home but hadn't been to a class. It was quite intense. After I finished the class, I found myself to be more emotional than I thought I'd be.

This journey will be a long one and not an easy one but I'm willing to do what I have to do to be happy.  As I left the gym, I caught the bus with two others in my Zumba class  and had a very inspirational conversation with a woman who has been working hard with her weight loss and it encouraged me to stick with it. I'm excited.

I have felt like I've been wandering around the city in the haze for the last week. There was time for me to assess my next move. I plan to travel. I looked at my passport and the last international stamp was in June 2004. I'm overdue for a trip. I usually rely on having someone else to go with me. I'm learning that I have to just go where I need to or want to go even if some places I'll have to go alone. I will probably recruit my sister. Finding work, finishing my books, finding a place to live are my priorities. People kept asking me over the last few years if I was still planning to move to NY. We'll see.

I just want everyone to be happy and in my effort to make others happy, I have neglected my own happiness.  To be honest, I was very happy many days but there is an overall quality of life that I didn't focus on.  I am responsible for my joy. When you assign responsibility for your happiness to someone else they can and most times will let you down. I am responsible for my joy. My joy is my own. Tonight, I have an eerily peaceful disposition. I was in love. I am still in love however, I have to shift the object of my affection back to my heart and my gifts God has given me to be successful. I choose prosperity.

I don't know how new friends will play into my future since I don't have much trust in people anymore so this will be challenging for me. As always, I have to step up to my challenge. We'll see where I go.  I have also decided that my "woe is me" blogs are done for this season of heartbreak. lol. I will be more uplifting and happy from this point on. Real life requires real perspective on our circumstances and life happens but you don't have to let it keep you down.  In the eternal words of James Brown, "E'vrybody get up! (get on up)"

I'm up now LET'S GO GET IT!!!

RLRR...
B@PEACE
STAY TRU

Smile

Smiles are contagious unless it's a smile from the creepy clown that invades your nightmares and as of recent some roadside in some random US city. smh

This has been an extremely tough week but I have to keep telling myself, "smile" even when I don't feel like I will ever smile again.

Seems strange? Crazy? Unorthodox? Well, yes it is but when you are stuck in a place that starts feeling familiar and comfortable and you know you can't stay there, sometimes it takes something unorthodox to pull you out and place you back where you need to be.

Have you smiled today?

Why it is important to share a smile.

I saw so many baby girls today with their mothers. Some were so adorable with their mothers and made me smile and a few of the sightings upset my spirit. Not the babies but the relationship the mother was cultivating with the child. What I saw was one mother kissing her baby (about 3-5 months old) and in this stage the coo cooing is going on and you just love the baby and she's so so cute. Then I saw a little girl with her mother and siblings and the mother was on the cell phone while the little girl was bouncing around the train with her sister then the mother grabbed the girl and basically cussed her out like she was an adult. When she grabbed the child, the child almost bucked back at her but the look on the child's face reflected the attitude the mother had. It felt like they both were saying "I can't stand you." The mother did say something very negative to her but the entire episode upset my spirit.

If you don't know this about me, I don't have any children but I love them. I have had mixed feelings about having children but I have always wanted a daughter. I wanted her to have what I didn't have as a child, teenager and adult. As it stands, I am prepared to accept that children were not in my plan. This sometimes bother me because I feel that I won't have anyone to carry on any type of legacy I may have. It's hurtful when you think about it but I have accepted it. I'll be 40 years old this year and I am currently single so there is a great chance I will never have babies of my own. I haven't ruled it out but medical issues also play a role in my acceptance.

I look at these women and men with these children and though it sounds hokey and old school, these children are really our future. They are our present. These little girls will grow to be girlfriends and maybe wives and mothers. Are we equipping our baby girls with the love and support they will need to come to us when they need help and when they need answers in difficult times or are we setting them up to handle life the best way they know how which may not include love, support, wisdom and security? This same question goes for boys also but our girls;

Are we completely preparing them for what's to come?

In tough times and in their pain, do they feel like they can come to you?

Do you or have you shown them the kind of affection that lets them know that your arms are safe for them to fall into and cry?

Have you ever mentioned loving them so they feel that even if the world treats them mean, there is somewhere they can go to for love?

What are we giving to our baby girls? Even if they are teenagers, young adults or adult mothers, to someone, they are still baby girls.

In my observation, when the young mother was manhandling her daughter, I noticed a young girl standing on the train and she was looking at the little girl. As the little girl stared at her with what appeared to be a blank and unknowing facial expression, the young girl standing waved at her with a smile and said "Hi."  The little girl's expression never changed. The young girl kept waving and saying "Hi".  No change in expression.  What is in the life of this baby that she has such sorry on her face? I don't know her mother and she may love her but if you are willing to be that abrasive to her in public, imaging the environment at home. I'm not judging. I'm just saying I don't understand how people aren't loving on these babies. I know, someone are a handful and make you want to scream but they are still babies.

I love these little babies but they aren't mine and I have no control over how they are loved at home but we all need to be emotionally available in case we are sitting on the train and see a little girl with that expression. Will you have enough love in you to share a moment of it with a smile to a little girl who may not otherwise receive any?

Healing

“What happened in the past that was painful has a great deal to do with what we are today, but revisiting this painful past can contribute little or nothing to what we need to do now . . .” William Glasser

So...

As my last post stated, I just went through a painful breakup and I am aware of how raw emotions get when you breakup. Well, from simply from reading my post again, that was raw emotion. lol. Well, I meant every word but I also understand that you can dwell in the pain or you can fight your way back to a place of normalcy where you can go through a day without tears.

When I went through the breakup the last time, I cried more. For weeks you couldn't speak to me without me crying. I listened to the same Janelle Monet song over and over again. I felt like the song was being physically absorbed through my skin and into my heart and in exchange, my life energy was seeping out through my tears. It was excruciating and in hind sight, pathetic. lol.

When you love someone and the relationship ends, it is as if you are experiencing a death and you grieve. However, this breakup was different and though I have cried, the crying isn't automatic. It happens when I think of the so many great times we shared built on deception. Sigh. I think of the shared laughter and how great we understood each other but there is always the side that isn't revealed. Sometimes that side isn't that bad but when it's bad, it's bad. Not like murder bad but very disappointing. I sat and thought of how much fun we had. I thought of all the encouragement I received. I thought about the holding of hands, the sharing of dreams and how I didn't want to breakup but felt it was out of my hands and then I cried. I let myself cry because I have loved, love and will always love him. I think that deserves a few tears.

You will always have people who were not in your relationship who hear the reason why you broke up and say "Forget him. He's no good. He's not worth your tears. Never talk to him again. You'll find better." The truth is he may not be worth my tears but the love that was experienced then lost and will never regain is worth mourning over. Like I said, I was angry when I wrote my last post but because I know and understand him, I'm not angry anymore. I'm just sorry this is where we are now.

I remember the moment I realized he had a place in my heart. It was 1991 and even through the years we lost touch, the love was always there. The lesson here is sometimes love should remain in the heart. I don't regret loving him. Where ever his life leads him, I just pray for him. As for me, my tears will fade just as the memory of the affectionate pet names that we gave each other, Sunday breakfast dates, movie nights, art discussions, lunch at the top of the world, plans for the future and most of all, I won't have the random hyperventilating cry like I tend to break into (lol) but one thing I won't do is pretend that I didn't love him. I will not act like he didn't love me in some way. The point of forgiveness is to acknowledge and let go so  you can move forward. I am okay with that. Everyone deals with tragedy in their own way and this broken love is tragic to me.

sigh.

:)
This time I smile more. This time I say "we had fun". This time I say "I did love you. I do love you. I will learn to love again."

Love is good. I have to learn to trust again but that's a story for another time. 

Stay TRU Loved ones!

Identifying real love

When I think of the idea of love and what it means, I usually lean towards the definition of "love" based on the Holy Scriptures, however, we live in a society where the word "love" is as transparent as a one ply square of toilet paper.

In one moment of selfishness revealed, not confessed, five masks fell from one face and God said "LOOK MY DAUGHTER. See and understand."  I did just that not because I was blind but because I asked God to show me. Some of us who are victims of loving the unlovable do so because there is a longing to love and care within us that gives us hope even after we've been warned to run and don't look back. Sometimes we take heed and other times we run back into the storm hoping the shelter will be a little better this time and withstand the force of the strong winds.  We hope that the love will be truly reciprocated and appreciated. We are made to feel that what we see is true but it turns out to be an illusion; a slight of hand trick is what we receive and the trickster will hold on to this illusion as long as they can without consideration to your feelings. I have watched a magic show for a long time now and now I see the extra cards up the sleeve; the mirror in the case; the false compartment that reveals the stored assistant in the disappearing act. I see everything. 

The hit I just took is enough to make anyone declare war on the idea of love. It was enough to make anyone decide to never offer love again. It was enough to shield one's own heart from never being touched again. It was devastating. I, as well as others, questioned my certainty with staying in a relationship with this person and there is no answer that will satisfy anyone looking in from the outside. Only the heart knows why we do and accept things beyond the moments of understanding they should be let go of. There is a deadly and selfish trend that this society has embraced and cultivated as if it were a babe being trained to carry on its legacy. The appearance of love. We disguise our deception and selfish motives under the umbrella of "loving" someone but the selfish acts committed do not give way to the other's real love, feelings, loyalty, body, mind or soul. Worse is that this virus of a selfish agenda is ripping out the faith, confidence and belief that love is still possible. 

The saddest part for me to come to grips with is that we cannot escape the deception because it is out of our hands. For me, I guess I saw this coming. I just didn't know when it would reach the point of no return. You hear many people talk about relationships and what they would do "if..." Well, unfortunately, the "if" has to happen in order for your action to be activated. It's so very sad that people are willing to throw away relationships with their children, family, friends, all for the sake of keeping a lie going. I would call it pride but you clearly can't be proud of yourself if you are a liar, cheater, perpetrator of love. Now I have to begin to work on restoring my heart to it's rightful condition. The healing begins today. 

I promised myself I wasn't going to mourn the loss of this relationship but you mourn death and this is what it feels like. As great as I thought we were, I am now another statistic. I am, yet, another victim. What you may not know is I'm not surprised and saw it coming so my tears are few but I fear my heart will harden even more. After forgiving time and time again, the willingness to forgive starts to wear thin.  

The message in this was that you can't save people even if you think you are doing some good. Some people have to exist without you. The lusts of the flesh and arrogance of man are powerful but will become all consuming and set you up for self-destruction. Unfortunately, the dedicated and loyal are often betrayed and casts aside with no consideration. Today, I will not look at it as being cast aside because I walked away. 

Tonight, my prayers are with the four children affected. They are the ones who have to live with the legacy this man is going to leave them. I am really going to miss the ones I had the pleasure of getting to know and getting to love. 

To my heart and mind, healing begins today. Move forward, don't look back but smile each day to remind yourself that you can and that God smiles on you. It will take time to heal but my hope, whether realistic or not, is to release him from my heart and mind. Seeing him again, at this time I don't know what I would do. I don't know if that sounds angry or not but that's how I feel now. I pity him. That's all I have left.

To the man who willingly and knowingly brought me to this place of chaos, anguish and pain...

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