What I tell the me I've lost

some days you have to remember who you were so you won't forget who you are.

only out of the darkness will you appreciate the light.


don't give up.

Life's Love Lesson #7384

The Energy of Love

By: TRU Essence

I braced myself as his eyes met mine
feeling something unusual
confusing
enticing
inviting
it pulled me closer to a pulsating invisible force

so powerful, the connection of two people
unknown were the consequences for sharing a moment of intensity
quivering, quaking, shaking
without one touch
a look of completeness in the center of a chaotic existence

I inhale this moment and it fills me with everything I'd longed for
prayed for
hoped for
everything I desired to feel and become
my heart pulled as if trying to escape to reach his
if it escapes, it will surely be the end of me
so I holds back so that I may live a little longer

he sees in me, something he's seen in no one else
and his mind becomes light with the essence of all I am in this moment
eyes meet with looks that tell the deepest of secrets
held inside, hidden away from poachers who come to claim all that is good and distort them into a menacing vision of all the bad things life may bring

They close, his eyes, yet they flutter at the anticipation of what could be
not knowing or even expecting to experience a feeling so strong for someone who, instantly,
became his heart; his breath; his love

how can two shiver at the unknown but long to experience the warmth love could bring
was this love
was this true
was this just another moment in time with no particular footprint to be left behind
or was this a moment that would replay as if deja vu for many days to come
many years to come
recycled visions of him standing so close that his love radiated from him
I never imagined feeling so much of him
receiving the sheer truth of what we were and were to be

We stood there in awe at the other's potential to be the best thing we'd ever known
then a single tear falls and he catches it

He now holds my world in his hands

This Kiss

It's amazing how a simple kiss can say an excitingly beautiful "hello" or make you feel empty.

A kiss is a story teller. It's tells someone the level of passion you feel, it's a welcome or a goodbye. A kiss can tell someone if you are lonely, apprehensive about love, longing for closeness and it can even tell someone that you are uncomfortable or nervous.

A kiss can trigger you to stay or leave. The connection or disconnection in many relationships can be felt in a simple kiss. A kiss is not merely foreplay but the foundational element to a bond of passion.



My observation, especially now, is that anyone who wants to be with you physically but avoids kissing you doesn't want an intimate bond. That may work for some but the kiss...I don't know. There's just something about the kiss.

The Sun For The Moon

The Sun For The Moon

by TRU Essence

I was the night and he, the day

I was the moon and he, the sun

No matter how we longed to be at one place

In the same space

At the same time

We were too different

He, demanding and fierce

Me, emotional and moody

We, passionate and loving but with boundaries

Neither one of us were aware of

I saw in his eye the need to be loved

Wanted and appreciated

He was unaware that I saw everything else as well

The longing he tried to hide behind ego and strength

Moonlight triggered my essence to expand and grasp the energy that propelled

Me towards loving him 

but he lie asleep and unaware

The sun rose and he was there to be my covering 

but I lie asleep and am unaware

The light was too harsh for me

Too bright for me

Too commanding for me

My shell protected me from the lion’s roar

I mistook it as anger

He intended it for love

The protector wanted to flow within the heart of the nurturer

but he was unsure

Unable to be honest with himself

To tell me who he was and what he wanted

The duality of our lives

Neither saw the other fully

The sun needed the moon

The moon desired the sun

From the earth, we appeared in the same sky

But too far apart to touch

Yet we were as far apart as the east is from the west

Neither shall meet at once

When the world stops...then what?

Some days, like today, you wake up and you just need/want/plead for the world to stop for like 5 minutes so you can get your bearings but let's say that happens. Then what?

What do you do with those 5 minutes that will make a definitive difference in what you are, who you are, what you wanna do, who you want to be, the next steps to take, who loves you, whom you love, what/who to keep, what/who to let go of, etc.

What is it, in those five minutes of complete stillness, that will set in motion a new movement, a new idea, a new objective that will, without doubt, be without challenge?

Nothing.

I wanted the world and everything around me to just stop for a few minutes so I can see, observe my current situation without time "getting in the way" but in those few minutes what will be so different from me trying to figure out life at the same time life is happening?

It's hard to describe but I do believe we need that 5 uninterrupted minutes of absolute stillness. I know that the world can't simply stop, especially for me, but I can stop. I often feel the whirlwind of the next necessary decision weighing on me and other people's expectations of what I should do for my life creeping closer and closer. One minute I have my entire life planned out and the next I can't see five minutes in front of me. I don't think I'm unique in this problem. In fact, I think most people go through this. If you don't and have never experienced this frustration and have every moment of your life perfectly planned out, well then here's a slow clap of kudos to you. (CLAP...clap...clap...)

I hope you can appreciate my sarcasm. lol.

But seriously, each day presents individual challenges. We have good days. We have bad days. We have days where we're not quite sure if they are good or bad so then we have to acknowledge the neutral days where we are just beings roaming the earth.

Today has been challenging. Over the last week or so I have had many situations pop up from me being a total rock star among friends and colleagues to days where I feel utterly disconnected from myself, my spirit and my world; lost, if you will. Today I'm experiencing the latter. I know it's just for today but the frustration I have is not with others, it isn't with God, it isn't with my idea or what or who God may or may not be, it's not even the fears I face on a regular basis that hinder my forward movement.
My frustration is in not knowing.

Not knowing what to do.
Not knowing who I am at this moment.
Not knowing who I'll be tomorrow.
Not knowing what direction to take despite everyone else apparently knowing what I should do.

Gee, thanks.

The craziest part of all this frustration is that I KNOW that I can sit for a while and in this whirlwind of craziness that is partly created by my own hesitation, I can map out my next steps and feel okay that I'm going to be able to move forward but the problem is I can move forward towards...what?

sigh


Okay here is one of my biggest problems. You all shall serve as my temporary counselors. Thank you, kindly.

I don't know what my  passion is. I've struggled with this fact about myself for years now and even if the world completely stopped for 5 minutes, will the answers come? I'm not even sure what the questions are.

Is the world just too loud for me to hear or feel this "thing" I'm suppose to be so passionate about?

I use to deny my talents. Not that I didn't know I had them but I never embraced them completely. I do SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much and when it's all said and done I feel like I've done absolutely nothing. I can do SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much but when I'm ready to move forward to perfect one of the many somethings I am capable of doing, I get lost all over again. It...is...FRUSTRATING. I take time to think, meditate, have quiet time to figure out these things for myself but it still feels like my thoughts are being infiltrated by the distractions of the world; other people, other's successes, rain...(shrug), almost anything that will make me turn my head or tune into something else other than my thoughts and objectives for my life. I know. I know.  I feel like I'm fighting myself. I am my own distraction but when I'm focused, I can't seem to block out the world completely. I need that. I need to be suspended in my own thoughts so that I can come out and be who I know I can be or to just be a fixture in a world that needs me somewhere for something very specific. I wish what that specific thing was.


Frustration is also coming from seeing the people closest to me move onto wonderful opportunities that some have worked extremely hard for and others, well, it's nice to have opportunities come and you be able to say yes. Not saying they didn't work for them but some people live charmed lives. I don't hate that. I just know that in comparison to my own life, sometimes it just feel bad to know that I can work 5x as hard and not get 1/4 or what others get.

Life's kinda fucked up that way. I keep telling myself do not compare my life to others' but I think it's like a natural reflex we have. The Comparison Reflect (coming soon to a theater near you...not really)


But no matter what happens or how I acknowledge my struggles, I wish everyone well and turn back to focus on my 5 minutes of stillness from the world. After I get the 5 minutes, then what? Will I ask for another 5 minutes? If that's granted, will that additional 5 minutes be enough? Probably not so I try to find my five minute in the middle of the chaos, questions, uncertainty, fear, hesitation, sadness, frustration, clarity, hunger and hustle of the day I stand in.

"I can't feel the ground
someone let me down.
I never felt so high as I do now
it's too good to be true
I don't deserve you
I've never felt a love strong enough to
Stop this world from spinning."

What's so funny to me right now is as I wrap up this blog, I'm listening to Ne-Yo and his song "Stop This World". I'm listening to the lyrics and it is a love song but I would love to feel this way about my life, my future, my passion for who I am and am to become and someday someone else who will feel the same for me but for now, maybe tomorrow I'll stop the world from spinning.

B@Peace
Love

When you have loved and lost...

It hurts to say goodbye but you wouldn't trade the good times and lessons learned.

You'd rather they be happy than miserable with you.

You remember the love daily but embrace newness without them.

You find yourself looking for their face in a crowd knowing they are not there.

The things that made you both laugh makes you laugh alone and sometimes you hope that the same thing is making them laugh at the same time.

You look up at the moon and know that at some point in time the two of you will be looking up at the same time.

You will never be able to listen to certain songs the same again.

Ne-yo songs make you cry.

When you go to a new place, you automatically think "Man, they would have loved this."

You feel a tear form at the thought of how deep you loved them.

You wake up at random times and wonder what they are doing then upset yourself because whatever they may be doing, you know it's not with you.

You appreciate being happy and laughing knowing if you allow yourself the moment to remember, you will fall into those hurt feelings.


You find yourself reliving the exact moment you two became strangers

You see someone approaching you that you think is them and your breathing changes and you get closer hoping it's not them then get a little sad when the person passes you and you realize it's not them.

When you finally allow yourself to love again knowing it could end but you trust your own heart.

You continue to love.

MOOD...GOOD MORNING :)

LEAVE IT TO NE-YO TO SEXIFY THE ENTIRE DAMN DAY WITH IMAGES OF A VERY  GOOD MORNING. 

SEXY!

This is the best start to a wonderful day! ;)

Enjoy! 

How Low Can You Go??????

This appears to be a Luda, Jay and Kanyon kinda night so at this moment I'm rockin' "How Low Can You Go" in my ear. ( I know it's Kanye. I call that bamma Kanyon)

GO LOW!

This man is a fool, I tells ya!  It's been a challenging week for me. Well last week was. There was unbelievably strong emotion that poured out of my eyes and made me feel stuff. smh All the feels. Disappointment at work. Oh, I'm good at what I do it's just other people who don't communicate thus, creating confusion and disappointment. Then the week, just as I thought I was feeling better...a trip to the ER. Still recovering but as always, I press on and keep moving. Not literally though. I was told to take it easy. I should have kept my butt home today. AAAAAAAAAAAAAANYWAY... LOL

This week I'm feeling the residual effects from last week but even with this crazy heat, I'm so good. Talked to a friend I hadn't talked to in a while and he reminded me that I can still be silly for no reason. Work? Meh. I have SOOOOOO much to do that I can't sit by and dwell in momentary obstacles. Testing for my training certification, prepping to start school in the Spring, move (where? I don't know yet), business outline done and pulling in clients to get down to the essence of what I'm suppose to be doing.

Question.

Have you truly assessed your talents and all the things you are capable of doing that could sustain your lifestyle independently? 

It's been an amazing year with a few bumps but so much is happening that I'm very excited about. Recently, I became a partner in a real estate group and I am EXCITED. I am one of many but I am excited to see what we can do as a group. When you see the power of what a group of African American entrepreneurs can do, your independent confidence soars. 

We'll be ready to purchase our first property in about a year and that's cool because it's a building process.

(get it? Building? no? not funny? I know. Sorry) 

I have so much happening (good things over bad) that I have to get my hype music ready for when I'm in my flow or productivity. For some reason, I'm on my Watch The Throne chill right now . Ni**as in Paris (like you don't know what the word is with the **. smh) appears to be my shit right now. lol It's one of my hype me up tracks. lol

YOU ARE NO WATCHING THE THRONE! 

DON'T LET ME INTO MY ZONE!

I'M DEFINITELY IN MY ZONE!

(DISCLAIMER: IF YOU ARE AT RISK OR SUFFER FROM SEIZURES, THIS VIDEO MAY TRIGGER SEIZURE. NOW WHY THE HELL WOULD SOMEONE MAKE A VIDEO THAT COULD TRIGGER A SEIZURE??? JUST STUPID. LOL

KANYE AND THAT DAMN SKIRT. HIS ASS ISN'T SCOTTISH SO NO, I'M NOT CALLING IT A KILT. IT'S A SKIRT. 

also I'm not responsible for any subliminal messaging through the imagery of this video. They not slick. lol

BONUS!!! OTIS IS MY SHIT! 

PEACE OUT HOMIES!!!! 

LOVE!

What we don't say speaks volumes

Relationships, be they friendly, professional, romantic, platonic or otherwise, are strengthened or weakened through communication or lack there of, respectively.

The more I learn about myself the more I realize that I'm use to or expect people to just "get" my sense of humor and my character that it doesn't dawn on me to be absolutely clear of what it is that I mean or expect. I am usually crystal clear as to what I mean, or I'd like to think I am, so when people misunderstand me, it can get to me a little.

That's another thing I've learned about myself over the last few years.

By no means am I obsessive about it. I will try to communicate with people but I have found that once someone has a perception about you (right or wrong), they aren't always willing to change that perception. For whatever reason that may be, all I can do is be the insane (insane "girl you so crazy"; not insane "doctor, her straight jacket is too tight") woman that I am and try to enjoy life, nonetheless. Good or bad, communication is a must. Even if that communication is "I don't think we can be friends", be clear. I told a guy last week that we couldn't be friends, (actually 3...sheesh, that makes me sound like a playa or something else a little more risque') because they were too aggressive in their approach and I definitely saw that pursuing anything with any of them would result in unwanted drama.

But there are some very nice and fun guys I know that it's just cool to know and there are no expectations of anything other than friendship. I have also learned that everyone's different when it comes to how they communicate their feelings and their actions. Understanding the differences, I have also come to realize that people can say lots of things but the things they don't say coupled by their actions or lack there of are just as telling as the words they speak.

I'm only giving one scenario and you'll have to identify with the your own experiences to see if there is something familiar in your world.

Okay, girl meets guy. Guy says he digs girl. Guy and girl text and that's cute and all but girl is saying a whole lot as the guy says very little. Girl stops putting forth effort to communicate because she's getting nothing in return. Once that happens, all communication stops. lol Girl was like "Okay." Weeks go by and she gets a "Hey you." text from the non-talker guy. By this time she has adopted the minimalist communication style of the non-talking male and by keeping her communication to the mirrored responses he gives, strangely enough, because the girl didn't push to communicate with him, he randomly pops up with this "Hey you" stuff just to let her know he was thinking about her. Months can go by and then "Hey you." So, boys and girls, what have we learned here? 

He probably in a relationship. lol He could just not be a big talker but the lack of communication points to relationship, he's not really interested but wants to keep girl on standby or... well that's it. lol

Girl has definitely taken up a mindset of not to think too much about the lack of communication but she knows bullshit when she smells it. If it quacks like a duck and walks like a duck it ain't a fucking chicken.  

Just like in this scenario, the silence in any relationship be they romantic or platonic, speaks loudly and intently. There are some general characteristics that are perceived when a man or woman is interested in someone as well as if a friend doesn't want to be your friend anymore. I could give many examples but be mindful of the things you don't say. 0_o

How do you do that?

Look at your actions? How have your actions changed your relationships coupled with the lack of communication? What you do or don't do anymore and your silence writes a whole story about you for someone. The reason communication is so important is because people do have a tendency to come to conclusions based on words, lack of words, actions and lack of action that may or may not be true but unless you communicate your intent or the truth about how you feel, all a person has is their perception based on what you have given them...

or not given them. 

COMMUNICATION IS KEY SO BE CLEAR IN WHAT YOU DO AND SAY!

B@PEACE!

When the weight of your world gets too heavy

(Forgive any typos. I'm rather sleepy. lol)

Sometimes, our souls are troubled by many different things that could potentially trigger anxiety, depression, anger, hopelessness, helplessness and an overall feeling of being lost. I am not stranger to this list of emotional strongholds. The love lesson for today is become familiar with those strongholds so they will not scare you into withdrawing from life.

I don't intend to fall in love with these things that draw me closer to fear and anguish because I have found when you fall in love with those things, you may do or say certain things to make sure that sure that thing you love stays around. I will, however, admonish you to get to know them intimately so that you are aware of the character that comes along with these emotions and how you can best address how they affect you from day to day.

We (the collective "we" that deal with emotional distress from day to day) tend to romanticize these things in our lives that hold us back from realizing our true selves and the strength that may be hidden from plain sight. We hold the sadness, caress the bitterness, kiss the loneliness, massage the fear; until these things are so comfortable to us that we embrace the things that may very well cause our consciousness and delicate psyche to collapse under the undue pressures. Some of us actually have conversations with ourselves whereby we continue to reiterate those false perceptions of who we are and our very worth.

Oh you don't talk to yourself??? That would make you crazy??? Think about that the next time you have a decision to make and you are going over in your head, the pros and cons or the decision, and decide if you are crazy. You aren't. Everyone consults with themselves but if you are someone who really doesn't have a large or even a small network of people to consult, confer, or even vent with, you only have yourself sometimes and that's not necessarily bad. I can't tell you how many self counseling sessions I've had. I'm pretty good. lol

Unfortunately, we are not all equipped to identify the swirling chaos of our emotions. Women, and yes men, and children have to deal with troubling emotions and how to deal with them in a way that doesn't overwhelm your heart, spirit and mind. It's tough because when you are in the thick of feeling the weight of your emotions, those feelings have a tendency to override what you know about yourself, your strength, your faith, you ability to overcome the obstacles, your beauty, worth and resolve to get beyond that moment of strong emotion.

I'm not a therapist. NOPE. Not at all. I've been told I should be one but my heart is so empathetic I'm not sure I can handle it. This isn't doubt in my ability. It's me knowing that I feel way too strongly to hear so many heartbreaking stories. If I could get beyond my own level of emotions I'm sure I can help others. I already do but, I don't know. Not sure how to finish that sentence. lol

What I was about to say was that I'm not a therapist but I have learned a lot about how I handle life, depression, stress, anger, frustration and a myriad of emotions I encounter. Maybe my method is too simplified for some who want the pomp and circumstances of "Look at my problems" but I don't roll like that. I may even be called boring because I have become very thoughtful before I commit to an action or decide to just say what's on my mind. Many people go the "I'll say what I want. If you don't like it, so what" route and though I do say pretty much what I want, I still have a self standard of how I like to be and like to be perceived. It's honest and not I don't tell everyone everything but I'm an open book, pretty much, but some chapters are reserved for only a few.

Got off topic again. Back to the methods of dealing with my personal cyclone of emotions.

I have mentioned before about my introduction to mindfulness and how it has helped me to pinpoint how I'm feeling moment by moment. Over the last year, the mindfulness meditation and techniques have been pretty great but I have to go a step further in evaluation what happens when I feel the weight of life barreling down on me.

This is the moment of transparency:

This week began with me on the way to work and I knew I wasn't feeling myself. I'd had a wonderful weekend but Sunday I began mentally evaluating all the things I needed, wanted and have not been able to do. Going to bed Sunday was okay but when I awaken to feelings of hopelessness, those feelings, over the course of the day, invited more and more emotions to pile on and take up residence in my heart. Needless to say, when I arrived at work I was not able to speak. Literally, I couldn't talk and when I attempted to all I could do was cry. I removed myself from my work area and went to work someone where it would only be me; tucked away in a corner of the building where if I needed to cry, no one would see me and yes, I cried. A LOT!!!!

I'm going to share 5 reasons I felt that way and 5 ways I was able to identify what was wrong and how I was able to come out of such a heavy tornado of troublesome feelings. Mind you, I'm not 100% but I can see clearer today than I could Monday morning.

Why did I feel so heavy?

1. Simply put, life hurts: The only way I can explain that is that when you sit and think of what your life is vs. what you wanted your life to be, it can be sobering if you haven't achieved your goals. Each thought shakes our more thoughts eventually leading you analyze every decision you have every made that resulted in you being in this place. This train of thought can truly bring devastation to your mental state no matter how "okay" you thought you felt. 
2. Feelings of rejection: Some of us lead pretty solitary lives. Some by choice and some because we feel pushed into being alone. You may not mind it and sometimes you may even prefer being on your own all the time but there may be moments when you look around and no one is there. You know people but you just don't know if you can reach out to them because you feel like you will be a bother or they don't feel about  you what you would like them to, be it family, friends, or romantic interests, so you retreat and in your mind decide that for all the times you have reached out and no one reached back for  you, that no one will ever reach back. This may not be true but by now, you have convinced yourself there is no one who is for you. This is a terrible place to be in because so many people feel this way and the outcome of feeling this way could be tragic. The hope is that it will not get you to a tragic place but a place where what you know truly outweighs how you feel. 
3. Confusion: You see yourself and where you are and you don't like what you see but you don't know how to not be where you are. All of your plans have led you to this place of emptiness and you may begin to feel like "Damn. Maybe I don't know what's best for me." You feel like someone who gets to a 10 way intersection (I've never seen this but I've felt it. smh) and you just sit in the middle of the road with no directions, not maps or GPS to tell you which way to go. Any road may be the wrong way. Any road may be the right way. You simply don't know so you stand still. Afraid. 
4. You don't feel like you belong: Every component of life has a certain level of conformity. Even those who say they are unique and do what they want, look at them and see if you don't start seeing a pattern of conformity in what being unique is suppose to look or act like. If you act and look like all the other "unique" people, are you really "unique"? You actually will not find many stand alone unique people in this world without finding someone else who are pretty close to being their double. But as for you, your home, work, friends, church, wherever, you sit and look around you and you just don't feel a part of that world. How do you find where you belong? Do you belong anywhere? What does this "belonging" even means? It's a feeling of being somewhere where you can un-apologetically be comfortable with being and expressing yourself without barriers or labels.  
5. How you feel about yourself: We have a movement all over the world about loving yourself and the skin you're in and all that jazz. I mean, I totally agree. I don't want it to sound like I don't. However, people say "love yourself" without telling so many people "how" to love yourself. Consider living a life being rejected, being told you're not good enough (either by the words or actions of others), seeing what everyone around you calls beautiful, sexy, acceptable, likable, pretty, smart, worthy of their attention, and never feeling like you've been accepted in that approved world. Imagine being used only for what others want and never really being considered for who you are and what lies within your heart, mind and spirit because others can only see the parts of you they want to extract for themselves. Imagine sitting alone and not feeling like you have anything anyone wants. So many people feel this way every single day and it's heart breaking to me to know that I haven't a clue who feels that way and how I can help. When I have felt that way, even if I knew someone would listen, the ability to call or tell someone, my fear just wouldn't not let me reach out. 

So, those are only 5 things that may cause people to sink into themselves and not know how to come out of it. Let me say that these are 5 things that I've dealt with. So let's now explore to the 5 things that helped me get up ("Up" refers to not being in that sad, depressed sinking place; to be happy and or feel no anxiety or overwhelming stress about life). 

1. Acknowledging how  you feel at the moment you feel the destructive feelings: Over the last year, I have been using mindfulness techniques to be very open and honest with myself about how I'm feeling moment by moment. I'm not sitting around all day saying "this moment I feel this..." and "this moment I feel that..." but periodically, my mindfulness bell will chime on my phone (I admonish you to download one for yourself. It's great!) and I just stop and assess how I feel and why I feel this way. It keeps things in perspective that our feelings and thoughts change moment by moment so this technique de-escalates the intensity of emotion when you can break it down to it's core. Your may actually find that you are stressing for nothing or that you can actually handle a situation once you have broken down why it's bothering you so much.
2. Have someone you trust that you can call on at any time for help: Don't be afraid to ask someone to be there for you. We cannot navigate this life alone and when you feel like you do, you need someone who you can reach out to and they will stop what they are doing to help. This isn't to say that you need popcorn for your movie and you call them and they are suppose to stop what they are doing to come bring you some. smh foolishness. lol But they are the call when your internal alarm goes off telling you you are not okay. This is one of the most important tips I can give anyone. Some people vent all the time therefore they have a constant audience to hear them and give them their "woo woo woo" moments. Most of us don't have that, especially if you're more introverted, private or just don't have many people you are close to. Some of us are very deliberate in whom we choose to seek out for help. Find someone. It is not weakness to ask for help. Real strength is reaching out during your weakness. 
3. Have a phrase that someone will know what it means when you start having intense feelings: I didn't even know I had a phrase until I used it and it was the only thing I could say. Monday I was so heavy and tears flowed so heavily that I could barely see and all I could text were 5 words: "I feel like I'm falling". The other person immediately knew what was happening and responded immediately. Sounds too simple, right?  Not really or maybe so but there is a feeling that only you have when things get tough and there are specific words that nay convey what that feeling feels like or mean to you in that moment. The phrase could be anything. In the past, I have used phrases like 'My life hurts", "I feel lost", "I feel stuck", "I don't know what to do", etc. To describe how I felt. What all of this means is when you feel great, you have to remember to discuss your low times with someone so that they know when you're not feeling great. The thing people don't know about depression is that even when you are "UP", everything feels great and you're smiling and laughing, you are still working very hard not to fall. This is why it's important to be transparent with someone who you can say "Yes, I'm good but the last time was really bad. I don't want to feel that way. I need you to help me stay up and help me if I fall so I won't stay down." It's not always that easy but it's a start.  
4. Every day, spend time with yourself doing something that makes you happy: I have a secret. Don't tell anyone. I like bubbles. lol Yep. I didn't realize how much I did until I left my last job and someone gifted me with a pink plastic microphone filled with bubble liquid. Mind you, the labels says "3+". That means for ages 3 years and up. I'm am "and up". lolol It's crazy, yes. It's childish, yes. It's silly, yes, but for just a few minutes every once in a while I take it out and blow bubbles. The colors of the light through the bubbles and the freedom they have to go wherever they choose relaxes me. I'm not nuts. I just like bubbles. Find something random that you love that will make everyone else say "That's nuts." but you don't care what they think. Okay, let's be clear; nothing illegal (that should cover lots of basis), nothing that will endanger anyone, nothing destructive. Make it something positive and fun. Okay, let's be clear; fun but ...anyway. lol
5. Knowing that this feeling is only for a moment and will pass: When we are in the thick of feeling these heavy emotions, they can make us feel like they are the strongest things in this world and nothing will ever get them to subside but trust me, even if those feeling last for a while, they WILL subside. Trust what you know and that these feelings are not necessarily truth. Feelings are really emotional reactions to a perception you have about something. Sometimes there is truth in what you feel but it's important to remember the things you know to be true and keep telling yourself that when you start to have strong emotional reactions to situations. Pay attention to the physical reactions to your emotions as well. Some emotions are triggered by certain circumstances or situations, which in turn, trigger very specific physical reactions in your body. Pay attention to them because many times if you miss identifying the triggers to the emotions, you can pick up on recurring physical reactions and knowing what they are can help you calm yourself and sort of itemize what's bothering you so you can get these feeling under control one by one instead of being flooded with thoughts and emotions that are coming too fast and furiously. By the time you are overcome with every feeling and thought at once, you feel helpless by the mound of worry that you don't know what to do.  

One last thing I didn't add to the list above was this: Know where your strength comes from. Your faith is important. It helps you to draw strength from source greater than you. God's love permeates through me and I have been among many who have cried out and asked "God, why have you left me alone?" I have been discourages and lost and sometimes, even at you lowest points you have to recall all those blessings that came just when you were about to give up and even the times what you thought you needed didn't show up but you turned out to be blessed even more because you endured the storm. Many of us want the storm to go away or to never come but beloved, every storm you face and conquer prepares you for the next storm that may not seem so daunting. Don't give up your faith. It may be the very thing that keeps your sanity in place. My faith is in the Father, Son and the Holy Spirit. Where does is your faith? 

Again, I AM NOT A THERAPIST.

I'm just a woman who, sometimes, feel the weight of her own world and the world around her come crashing down and I'm just trying to find ways to stay afloat. No matter how much we advance in life, our world gets bigger and bigger and sometimes we feel dwarfed in comparison.  I'm not brave. I don't have a formula that is perfect for solving problems. I cry a lot but I laugh even more. I do feel lonely. I do feel neglected. I do feel like I'm traveling this life without navigation BUT... I KNOW that those are only feelings. Strong feelings but feelings all the same. 

They will pass. I hope yours will pass as well. 

B@PEACE. 

PS. Sorry. Apparently, I just really needed to write tonight. :) love you lots! 

Hush

No matter how many times someone tells you "It can always be worse", that doesn't help the pain you presently feel.

Some people should just say "I don't know what to say" because CLEARLY...they don't know what to say to a person suffering with internal struggles.

In defiance to what I'm told love is

He left me feeling slightly rejected
Infected by his contagious smile
While never knowing how to love freely a man that would walk away
Dismay encroaches upon my need to be loved by him
Swim towards an empty sea that once showed promise and purpose
Surplus emotions color my affections for him
Dim the lights to see how close we can be but he disappears again and once more
Core essence of a fabricated love that has no real existence
Resistance is where my love lies now
How do I breathe without lungs
Hung my head when I thought about how much he didn't want me
He didn't know me
He didn't love me
He could have if he truly knew the depth of what I held for him

Still hold for him but I am rejected
But I keep walking because I'm told to believe I'm beautiful regardless, yet no one will look into my eyes
I'm told to believe I'm beautiful even though all of them pass me by because after all

I AM INVISIBLY BEAUTIFUL
How do you go on when nobody, not even the nobody, wants you

Why bother mourning something you may never have again

I'm angry.

I am angry. I have not been able to sleep the last several nights so I'm exhausted but now I'm just angry. Some people who are still very detached from the race relations debacle we are experiencing in this company don't get why we, as a black community, are so outraged.

We are so angry because we are scared and there is no one willing to protect us from the people who are suppose to protect us, too. We are terrified because we have to wake up everyday and wonder will we make it to our destinations outside of a body bag. We are mortified to think that our brothers, sons, fathers, husbands and friends are considered disposable. We are petrified that we will come home and our loved ones won't or we will see the barrel of a gun as our last image in this life.

We are angry because in 2016, and with the escalation of the execution and publicly televised genocide that is happening, we are still at a loss as to how to find a resolution to this mess. One group's retaliation turns into an all out war on all sides. There are no winners in this fight. There is something more behind all of this that isn't being said but I believe it is very political, strategic and purposeful.

I have cried so much today and I don't feel like it will stop anytime soon.

My colleague came to talk with me today because she didn't know how to feel in an office of people who are not affected directly by these injustices so we had to seek each other out for comfort and understanding and they will say we segregate ourselves. Can you blame us? If you don't care, we have to care for ourselves.

My prayer is that everyone leaves and comes back home alive and well.

I hope that we do not remain silent.

I hope that we will realize that our petty difference are no match for the the overall televised genocide of our people.

The revolution will lead to a resolution but first...

When you've just had enough.

Have you ever felt that calm rage that bordered between "I'm good. I'm peaceful. I'll be alright." and "Damn it! One more word and Imma start throwing shit at everyone"? lol

That's been my weekend. I have to acknowledge my anger and frustration so that I can find a way to let go of it. I could air some major dirty laundry but if you know me, you know that's not how I roll.

I have been doing really well lately, at purging unneeded things from my life and unfortunately, sometimes you have to purge the people around you as well. Some may have seemed like friends at some point, some are family that will NEVER change because they don't see the need to change, and some are people who can't, no, WON'T acknowledge right from wrong and will choose to turn a blind eye because they don't have the courage to call people out on their bullshit.

Most situations fall in a gray area where you can't really say there's a right or wrong then there are some very black and white situations.

Guilt. It's an amazing thing. Some people are so guilty and know they are but they will refuse to acknowledge their behavior, in turn, attempting to place their very character on someone else as if they, themselves were some sort of victim.

I will never say I hate someone. Well, there is one person that I don't think I'd be upset if they dropped of the face of the earth but that's another story.

I will say, however, the opportunity often presents itself for people to correct mistakes, bad behavior or even just move beyond some bullshit they may have done without cause or justification but they don't either understand that or care to resolve their self created issues. I get that people CAN change or that, sure, you may have arguments with others but the attitude and character is the distinguishing factor in whether or not people can resolve issues. Some people can't resolve issues because they never acknowledge that they have done anything wrong or made any mistakes. For me, the days of not acknowledging wrong doing are over. When you just don't acknowledge wrongdoing or even make an attempt to apologize for shit that you do to people, you expect the other party to just forgive or forget until you're ready to dick them over again.

Yeah. That shit doesn't fly anymore. I'm usually a no nonsense person but I'm always up for reconciliation. Even if I don't trust you like I use to or want to hang out with you, I can still be cordial and move beyond any issue. Unfortunately, again, some things you just don't fully recover from but you let go so that you can move towards happiness.

Here's is the basis of my rant tonight. This is not a love letter but it helps to move me back to a place where love is a priority and not feeling like I want to punch a hole in a wall; and by wall I mean face.

Either I'm truly oblivious to a part of my character that is apparently a terrible person who is extra confrontational, unloving, arrogant, hypocritical and delusional or I have some people around me who hold those characteristics and are in such denial that they will place those characteristics on me and portray themselves as angels and victims. Many of these people are blood relatives. I don't use the word family because they are not.

When I get to a point when I have to say "I don't like you. I don't want anything to do with  you. I'm done with this dysfunction and if you are going to remain toxic, I can't deal with you.", I really need to distance myself from these people. Some people are detrimental to your happiness because they don't know what happiness is OR dysfunction, for them, IS happiness. Yeah, I can't live that way.

Have you ever notice when you are moving closer towards inner peace, someone comes along and tries to rattle you and throw you off your path. Please stay on your path of peacefulness and mindfulness. There is a reason you have been growing closer to love and inner acknowledgement of needing love, wanting love and being a vessel to display and accept love. You deserve to find a level of happiness that isn't always penetrated by someone else's unhappiness or personal rage that spills over into your life. Some people are so angry at your happiness that they will do whatever it takes to provoke you to step out of it and into their misery. This is what they do. Many of these people are in so much denial that they manage to convince other people that they are someone they clearly are not. The worst is that people cosign on their bullshit and they keep believing their own lie as if they didn't know that they were spewing lies.

Honestly, it's exhausting. lol

There are also people who have always found a way to distance themselves from me, through their actions, then turn around and claim I created the distance. I can't focus on cultivating relationships with these people because they live in cycle that keeps repeating itself. I can't continue waiting to see when the other shoe is going to drop and wait to be treated like shit again. No one wants to say "I was wrong." They love to start with "Well, you..." Not ever acknowledging their character that is questionable.

I am very transparent or at least I try to be. I try to be completely aware of my character (flaws and all), when I react to certain situation and if my reactions are reasonable or if I have reacted in such a way that adds to the negativity. I hate feeling like I'm a victim so I try not to act like I am but I will say this.

I have feelings. SURPRISE!!! I care, aLOT, and I probably care too much. I feel that part of me shifting. I'm willing to let go of people who decides I'm not worthy of their love, respect or care. I can't fool with these complicated conditional relationships because I've tried to be a good friend, daughter, sister, aunt, girl friend, etc. I have never been perfect. I don't know everything. I have been accused of thinking I was both perfect and know everything but I'm learning that when people say that about you, many times, they are probably mad because they were right about them. lol. People are funny; ha ha and otherwise. If you can't even be honest with yourself, you sure as hell can't be honest with me or anyone.

Anyway, I'll conclude with this. Loving someone is not about agreeing with them every day. Loving someone is not about them agreeing with you or supporting your bad behavior or choices. Love is suppose to be unconditional but the truth is there are many conditions behind why we choose to love.

I simply don't know how I can love people who hurt you, threaten you, try to antagonize you, lies about you, try to convince others to hate you, allows others to convince them to treat you differently, etc. I don't want to understand people who set out to make themselves look better by making you look bad. Negative to the core, I can't love that. This includes family and people who once called me "friend". I have always left the door open for reconciliation but that door has closed. That's a very hard thing to confess because I'm not sure if it's derived from emotion or many years of considering how I have let others affect me or mistreat me.

I am dedicated to having a loving spirit. I confess that I'm having a problem with that right now. I don't trust people. I don't believe in some people. I don't believe some people have my best interest at heart. I don't know if distance makes the heart grow fonder because that hasn't been true for me yet but I feel the time is drawing closer where I will be making some changes and may not stay here.

Seattle is looking better and better.

Wherever I go, I'll take love with me.

SMILE! Someone may be watching.

In advance; please forgive any typos. I typed pretty face and my review was skimming, at best. smh
Please feel free to share this blog and leave comments. I'd love to hear from you. Be nice, though. :)

SMILE! Someone may be watching. 

Never fear what will happen if you try. Fear what will happen if you never try."

~Tru Essence

Okay, so I don't know. I'm sure people have said this before but until I see who has said it, I'm saying it. (^~^)

I had a friend send me a Facebook inbox message the other day that not only surprised me but it made my entire day. What made it even better is even though we haven't really connected in any other meaningful way other than status updates and "likes" and comments, our conversation was one of real love and sisterhood that went beyond just a simple "Hello". Some times we aren't sure if we make an impact in anyone's life and some people who intentionally try to be the "everything" so that they can say what they have done for people, will never know how it truly feels to have your words effortlessly impact someone in a way that has them in tears, which in turn, has you in tears because you have such a love for life and someone else "gets it".

I won't get into the meat of the conversation on this post but I will write a little more about it in a later post. Our conversation did get me to thinking about how we outwardly display love so that people can see and feel secure in knowing your intentions as a friend, family or just as another person wanting to be happy on this planet. There is so much to be miserable about in our society because it seems each day, the tragedies increase and they are moving fast and furiously. There is, however, so much to celebrate and be grateful for. I have chosen (because, yes, you have to choose) to be happy. PERIOD.

With all the tests, struggles, disappointments, hurts, confusion and chaos that has tailed me each step of my journey in life, I have decided, through no real defining superpower of my own, that I want to be happy. PERIOD. Well, let me clarify. I want real pure unadulterated joy! Having joy doesn't mean I will never be unhappy. It means that despite a momentary feeling of sadness, I can call on the internal and eternal joy that will remind me of how wonderful it is to be happy. The biggest part of my newest lesson in love and life is that 100 people can surround you and be miserable but I can still have joy. I can not, and will not, allow others who are miserable in their lives to determine my emotional fate.

I hear people complain about everything on a regular basis and in the past, I would have taken on the same contrite spirit of misery and self dismay. I'm not sure I can adequately express how wonderful it has been to be active and present in determining my own happiness.  My confession is that before, even when I was "Happy", there was a real effort being made in the background for me not to fall into a depression and each day I felt fine, even great, it felt like it was message coming through on a background frequency, as a low murmur, that was always saying "Stay up. Stay up. You could fall any minute. Stay up."

That's the unseen battle with depression some people don't understand but the more I focus on mindfulness and living in and for the present, the less I hear any background noise of doubt and sadness.  No. 'Life for me ain't been no crystal stairs' and it still isn't but struggles I dealt with, just months ago, have not been so paralyzing as they would have been before. I'm so happy I can take moments and evaluate where I am and how I feel about the very moment and walk away knowing, good or bad, the moment is what it is and it will pass in just a moment.

It may sound corny but when I evaluate my moments, I ask myself the following questions:

1. How am I feeling right at this moment?
2. What or who contributed to me feeling this way?
3. Why do I feel this way? 
4. Is it possible that I am overreacting or over thinking the situation or someone's remarks or actions?
5. Can I change the situation or the person involved?
6. Is this something that will cause me to have long term stress?
7. How can I let go of it?
8. Will it kill me to let it go and move on right now?
9. Should I have ice cream for dinner???

See? It's a process. lol

The thing is, THIS has helped me to be transparent with myself and others. If I'm upset, I say "I'm upset." If I want to laugh, I burst into laughter. If I want to cry, the tears fall and if I want ice cream for dinner, I remember what my trainer said and get a salad. 

Hey, can't have my way all the time. 

To wrap up, I'm learning how much I love getting to know myself. Paying attention to my body signals in certain situations has helped me pinpoint and target what may cause me to feel certain feelings and think certain thoughts in specific situations. I have learned that I don't like complaining and being around people who do. We can have our moments to vent but vent and let it be done. 

I have learned that I would rather be alone than in a bad situation with someone or others who really don't have my best interest at heart. That's not to say you don't miss the friendships, laughter, love and affection. It means that you can love life and be happy engaging life one on one and after a while, others who feel the same will follow suit.  I don't know if I motivate anyone to do anything because I'm still working to motivate myself but if I can motivate people to live life completely, like a child who has never been told "No" and be happy, I hope to do that. I leave you with this: never let the people around you keep you from being happy. Be happy despite what they will say or do. People will draw you into their daily suffering and misery if you let them. Don't let them. 

I can't change yesterday. I have no clue what tomorrow brings. Tomorrow will take care of itself.

For today, I live...HAPPILY!!!

B@PEACE. 

some days...

"Some Days, Some Nights 
Some Live, Some Die 
In The Way Of The Samurai 
Some Fight, Some Bleed 
Sun Up To Sun Down 
The Sons Of A Battlecry"

Once Upon A Time...

See, what had happened was, I woke up happy.

um,

The end.

Some days you have to acknowledge your happiness when you are smack dab in the middle of it. 

Who are you, really?

I think one of our duties to ourselves in this life is to discover our truth each day and live life from moment to moment as it comes in the truth of what each moment is. I'm learning more about how we are shaped by our false core beliefs that we have developed over our lifetimes that have caused us to stray away from our true nature of just being.

We make excuses and sabotage our happiness due to fear and unrealistic expectations. What will happen if you told yourself that you could be successful if only you stop making excuses? The next time you make an excuse you would be forced to face the fact that you are sabotaging your success with self imposed limitations. I think there is validity in why we feel the way we feel about ourselves, our worth, our ability to be happy or make people happy but the truth is, living in the moment sheds a lot of layers of excuses. History is not going to change and the future has not been carved in stone so all we have is right now. I am choosing to write at this moment because I felt compelled to. Not because I felt forced or fearful that I will not have a chance to write again.

The fear for many people is that they will ultimately fail because they have always failed. Well, let look at this for a moment. As babies, we came into this world as "I am" beings. "I Am" mean that as a baby, you were. Simply put. At the time of birth and infancy, you were not knowledgeable of all the limitations that people would place on you thus altering your perspective of who you are and what your potential for success is.

Being and "I Am" being means to explore fearlessly. Babies cannot communicate as other small children from toddler age on up. If a baby is hungry they cry, when they have to potty they go, if something grabs their attention they grab for it. They crawl to something and touch it. They taste things to find out if it's food, is it good, is it bad, and they live in the moment of learning without hesitation or fear until the moment an adult says "No." At the moment an adult says "No" we cease being "I Am" beings because that "No" starts to create a limitation for the child. We know as adults, we say things because we are caring for, securing, and nurturing our children but sometimes we subconsciously place limitation on them, in the name of caring, that may cultivate a sense of untrue core beliefs about self.

It has been said that some babies may even begin to experience developed core beliefs at the time of birth after being bonded to their mother for 9 months then all of a sudden, they are born and the attachment changes. I wonder if a baby thinks "What did I do wrong to make her separate from me?"

As adults, we would thing this is preposterous but consider this. Imagine a child, maybe the age of 2 or 3 years old, and their parents have a baby. This new baby shows up and now attention is given to the baby and less attention to the toddler, Not that the parents love the toddler any less but to the toddler, things are different.

Did I do something wrong to make Mommy and Daddy want another baby?

The toddler doesn't understand that this is life and babies will be born but if the child feels somehow, less than, will it shape their thoughts, actions and ultimately their self perspective and can this perspective shape their developmental journey?  I don't know. Maybe.

Sometimes, because we look at ourselves and see things "wrong" with us or "flaws", we transfer that energy to our children in a way that makes them thing those core beliefs are of their own creation. Imagine with me again, if you will, a child who wants to dance. She's excited and loves movement but her parents say to her "Chubby little girls can't dance." That statement, alone, can bring a child's image of herself crashing into many fragments that color her in a false light.

I'm chubby.
I can't dance.
I'm not good enough.
I'm not pretty enough.
My parents don't believe in me.
Maybe I don't deserve to be happy because I'm not skinny or pretty enough.
If I can't dance, I probably can't do lots of things.

This list can go on and on, thus creating a false core belief system about oneself.


I say all of this to say that over many years, we have created images of ourselves that are only true because we believe them to be true but they are not. We spend so much time trying to disprove things that aren't true to begin with.

If something doesn't exist, how can you prove that it's not true? 

This is the internal battle we have daily. We spend so much time trying to prove that we are worthwhile by proving that we aren't worthless. If you didn't believe you were worthless, even a little, there would be no need to prove that you are. You would just be.

There are many things I use to believe and many things I was fearful of confronting about myself but I have begun to examine where I was stuck in life and what cause me to be stuck. When you are truly honest with yourself, you will call out the truth as it is and look it in the face.  We run from our truth because if we confront it, it will create a paradigm shift that will force us to see our role in how we develop as human beings and light will be shed on our contribution to our success or lack of success.
I will share a truth about myself that I normally don't share because even though I'm relatively honest about myself, I realize I was stuck because I chose to believe things about myself that were not true.

• I am overweight.

• I have always been overweight.

• Even though I workout and eat well, I will probably always be overweight because I can't imagine myself not being like this.

• My family can't imagine me not being like this.

• I'm not a threat to anyone if no one wants me.

• I don't try hard enough for fear that success will require more work to stay successful.

• I'm afraid of failing and succeeding.

• I need others to motivate me.

• I get depressed and don't have the energy to motivate myself.

• I have had a challenging life which causes me to feel like no matter how hard I struggle, I will always be left behind, left out or ultimately give up.

• I am afraid to die.

• I am afraid to die like this.

• I am afraid to die alone.

• I feel like people do not want to be seen with me like this.

• No one will love me as I am.

• I'm not beautiful enough.

• I lost my hair and it makes me feel less of a woman.

• I do not have any children and this make me feel like I have no legacy to leave and when I die, TRU is gone forever. 

• I feel like a fraud when people call me talented. 

• I feel like I don't know as much as people think. 

• I will never reach my full potential in any area I want because I'm not sure what I want.

Whew... Sheesh, that was a lot but I can say this, every thing listed here are things that I have used to not do something or not be who I can be. Confronting them means I am forced to have an honest discussion with my inner-self about choosing the right path for me. The objective is to see the things holding you back and then decide "What are you going to do about it?" You now have a choice when before you felt like you didn't. When you really look at the things you honestly believe about yourself, hopefully, you will see how a lot of that is pure bullshit and you can see how much more you are than what you have allowed yourself to believe. If I know that I can choose better for myself, any decision afterwards will be my responsibility and I cannot and will not blame anyone else. My journey rests upon each action I take each day.

When I chose better each day, each day is better. 

I admonish you to seek the truth about yourself. No one else needs to be involved in your revelations. You seek you for you. I'm learning daily through meditation and readings of Buddhism (which may not be for everyone but I've found peace in learning more about Buddhism) that true enlightenment and awakening begins with self confrontation and letting go of preconceived ideas of who we were, who we are and who we should be. I am letting go of judgement and condemnation that comes with our fixed core belief systems we have developed over the years. Each day, I try to live in the moment because after all, that is all we have.  Live each day with and in love.

"Zen in its essence is the art of seeing into the nature of one's own being, and it points the way from bondage to freedom." ~D.T. Suzuki, Essays in Buddhism

B@Peace

LOVE ANYWAY!

What's up, my homies?

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU ALL!!!

Despite the fact that people are whining about this day being a commercial holiday just to spend money, there is absolutely nothing wrong with taking a day for everyone to focus on love. Sure, sure, sure, we are supposed to love everyday and show it everyday but the truth is we get so caught up in the hum drum of everyday life we sometimes forget to show appreciation for one another. The people who are so focused on having to pay money for dinner or flowers...bammas.

Love doesn't require you to buy anything to show appreciation but there are nice things to help you to say "Babe, I appreciate you." Some couples don't celebrate the holiday and they agree it may be a waste of time. Hopefully, that couple shows love on a regular basis but if you don't, sometimes people start to wonder if they are really loved. Flowers may not necessarily prove that but the effort won't hurt.

If you are too broke to buy a flower, a card and spend time with the person you love then you have bigger problems to consider than Valentine's Day but that's a story for another time.

As for me, I like expressions of love. I like the effort made to show romantic gestures of love. I am a romantic but haven't had the opportunity to be openly romantic as much as I would like.

Valentine's Day didn't become commercial until the 19th century but has been around well before it was about purchasing cards, candies and going out paying way too much money for food for one night.

***Note: Nothing wrong with purchasing cards, candies, and going out paying way too much money for food for one night. I'm just saying.***

I'm not stupid and I know people are so afraid to spend money on Valentine's Day so they poo poo it but man, oh, man. Some of the best gifts are things that take thought, effort, time and love. Please don't forget the love part. Don't let the person think you're going to express love for them and you say some crap like "I really like you. We're good together." or sigh your card "Happy Valentine's Day! From ..."

BITCH, YOU BETTER PUT SOME LOVE ON THAT DAMN CARD. LOL

Please sign it "Love, ..." or "I love you. Love..." because if she/he doesn't see the word "love" on the card it WILL hurt their feelings. I know it doesn't make sense to some people (and trust, many guys are just as or more sensitive as some women) but if you know your girl/guy like hearing the words...please say them if you love them. I'm just trying to help you out.

***NOTE: IF YOU DO NOT LOVE THE PERSON, DO NOT SAY "I LOVE YOU." DELAYED HURT FEELINGS ARE STILL HURT FEELINGS. BE HONEST. OKAY, YOU DIDN'T HEAR ME. TELL...THE...TRUTH! OKAY. SEEMS I HAVE TO SAY IT LIKE THIS FOR SOMEONE TO GET IT.

ha!

OH, AND DO NOT BE A DOUCHE AND LEAD THEM ON.
don't tell them they are the love of your life then tell someone else the same thing. Don't say words you don't mean. Don't lie just to get sex. Don't let them believe you are all in for them and your heart isn't really there. Save the drama and be up front about feeling. I mean don't wait until Valentine's day but you know what I mean.

Okay, I seem to have gone off the rails so let me refocus. lol

Love is wonderful. Despite whether you like the holiday or not, if your loved one likes or loves it, make the effort. Relationships are not about always doing what the other person wants but you do have to lay down your feelings every once in a while to indulge the pleasure and happiness of your mate. When you love someone and like to see them happy just take one for the team and indulge WITH them.

Oh, how was my Valentine's Day? Thanks for asking. Ha!

The thing about love is that you can express and show love for almost anyone. Wife, husband, girlfriend, boyfriend, Mom, Dad, siblings, etc.; you get it. I chose to spend the weekend with my cousin that I don't get to see often. From Friday night to Sunday night (Valentine's evening) we had a wonderful time just talking, going out to different restaurants and eating GREAT food, drinks, movies and other fun things. The thing about Valentine's Day is that it has become about more than romantic love. It is the celebration of love...period. I enjoyed this weekend. I have to say it has been the best Valentine's Day I've ever had. That's great but terrible. lol

I'll conclude with this: Don't wait for someone to come and show you love and affection on a day that celebrates all that love is. Love yourself enough to promise yourself to purposely be happy. I have been sad many times but I have grown to know that I have the power to change my mood and attitude about how I feel by actively being a part of the plan for happiness for my life. You can be happy, too. Find someone who loves you just for being you and spend time with them enjoying life. If you're single, it may be tough but embrace your inner self and you define your happiness. It's so fulfilling and even if you get sad you can draw from what you have learned about yourself and what makes you happy. GO! Be happy! Spread love...to everyone especially yourself.