Love looks different sometimes

 by TRU Ess

When I collapse into myself

A savior isn't always the answer

Not always is it necessary to save me

I don't need them to say "It will be okay." 

Sometimes, love looks like their tears intermingling with mine

Sometimes, love doesn't need you to be strong

Sometimes, love needs to fall with the knowledge that I can get back up 

But this moment requires quiet stillness 

with the softness of a paired heart that may not understand completely 

but holds space for the weakness of the moment

love, sometimes, looks like the covering of brokenness 

without the need for reassembly to erase what brokenness looks like

Sometimes, love doesn't look like forcing things to fit

Sometimes, love looks like scattered pieces that, in the scattering, 

create an unfocused image of beauty

Sometimes, love has to look different when we are transforming how we understand ourselves in the world

Sometimes, love isn't a held hand

It's a closed door, and a shared seat by the window as the storm rages outside

Sometimes, love is a glance of understanding as debris flies by in chaos

Sometimes, love is shared in the messiness of who we are trying to become

And sometimes, love just looks different because we are no longer the same as we were

When love looked safe

Grief is not just about physical loss

Some of our most prolific insights come to us at the most random times. The topic of grief has been consistent for me the last few days so, yep. Imma write about it. 

I would have been...

(Typed with thumbs on a small screen by a pretty blind person. Smh) 

There are so many things we could have been. It only takes, what may have seemed like a small insignificant decision, to change the trajectory of one's life. It's like turning right and ending up in a ditch, or turning left and meeting the person you will fall in love with that changes your life forever. We could have been many things. Endless versions of ourselves exist if you believe that we live in varied parallel dimensions or timelines.

What's crazy is you can only evaluate what you could have been after you have taken those turns during your lifetime. Most people know that what you can be is a "hopeful unknown". What you could have been is a version of an unknown but depending on your talents, education, dedication, reasoning for your decisions, you can deduce that your life very possibly would have turned out differently or at least what you initially aimed for. Even if you eventually ended up in the same place you are now, the journey would have been different,  thus, creating lessons you may not otherwise have learned without those journeys. 

Okay.  That's the universal philosophical thought behind what or who we could have been. For me, I would have had a dope ass life. Lol. I do but just differently.  Where would I be now had I learned to play the piano at 4yo? What if I had the paint and easel when I got my satellite paint brushes in elementary school? What if I continued writing plays after I wrote and directed my first play in the 4th grade? Let's fast forward a little, shall we?

What if I said "yes", when my Jr High basketball coach asked me to try out for the team? What if I had an art portfolio when I auditioned for HS? What if I left home at 17 and went to NY to study fashion design? What if I finished the architecture program at VSU and went on to be an architect? What if I accepted the the Interior Design chief's invitation to join the ID program at VCU? What if I stayed in Richmond in 2001? What if I called my gramma more before she passed? What if I had gone to see my cousin when I planned to a month before he passed away? What If I didn't say yes to the temp employment company that I ended up working for from 2001 - 2011, afterwards surviving on temp work? 

What if I really were pregnant that one time? What kind of mom would I have been? The little booties I bought were super cute. I should have saved them. 

What if my cousin didn't text me that day?

What if no one knocked on my door after deciding life didn't want me anymore?

What if I stayed in DC? 

What if? 

What if? 

What if?

What if I let go of all the what-ifs?

The most authentic version of freedom. 

We will never EVER be able to go back and change those what-ifs. We have no clue what tomorrow holds. All we have, truly, is right now. I could have been a million possible variations of me, and still I can ot help but be thankful for this ole raggedy version of me. 😆 

After an interview this week, I experienced a rejection that I wasn't terribly upset about because one of the Board of Directors said, mid-interview, "You are wildly overqualified for this role." I replied, "I know." 😆  When the Executive Director broke the news, she said, "You can do anything with your credentials." Again, I know. 😆  She actually said they are working on another position in leadership, she thinks I'll be more suited for. Mmmhmmm😏😉. But what if I did get the role that minimized me? A choice. A "What if" situation, if you will. 

With my sensitivity that people view as a liability,  I see it as a gift. My ability to reason using data and logic, and not emotion, like people assume, is priceless. The way my heart continues to love so fiercely after it's shattering would justify a transition to coldness. The way my mind analyzes the world around me so I can decide how, when, and where to move. 

This is sort of a love letter to myself that I wished I'd have written so that my 14-year-old self could have held and read it. I would have told her from the beginning to trust herself and not depend on extrinsic motivation for her to succeed. I would have given her permission to live fearlessly. 

Every version of who I actually have been throughout history still resides inside of me, so I can tell her now, "You did a great job with what you knew about yourself in this world." 

I think she would like that.  51 TRU would like that, too. 

I'll ponder on that for a while.