The last few days have been bitter sweet for me. I have finally made some major decisions concerning my future and I am totally excited about them but it's not the future I envisioned a few months ago. I felt like my eyes were stinging the other night as I had to tell someone goodbye. I didn't want to and I still don't but I don't know what else I can do about a friendship that was more than a friendship. How do you go backwards? I don't think I can. It's too painful to revert to a state that can no longer satisfy your desire for more. The hardest thing I've ever had to do is tell someone that I adore completely that I can't communicate with them any longer. It is so hard to do what you have to do when it's not what you want to do. I was so hurt I communicated this to them and normally I keep things to myself but blogging is helping me move forward. I know someone understands (but some may not) that to love and want someone but have to let them go is unbelievably devastating.
If the hands of time were reset to a certain point I'm not sure if I'd change anything but from where I stand, what I feel and know are at war. Time doesn't necessarily heal all wounds. Some of those wounds are numbed to the point where it's just bearable to keep moving but the point is to keep moving. I have to literally tell myself everyday, in real live words out loud, that "Everything will be okay."
There have been people who have physically hurt me, emotionally hurt me and psychologically hurt me but I have always viewed these things as "necessary hurt", if you can understand what I mean by that. It's pain that you have to go through to get to the next level of your life. Some of it, of course you can do without but some things are unavoidable. Every strike, every unwanted advance, every rude and mean word or rumor that has been directed towards me in my life, I still remember. For me, these years are going to be happy even if I have to experience sadness to get there. I laughed today. I joked today. I talked trash about the pitiful cowboys fans! lol Above all, I am here. Eventually, you can let go of people but the heart has an instant replay that can remind you of how you really felt about a person.
I had to tell myself yesterday "Tru, you just don't know people." I have always said that people will only tell you and show you what they want you to know about them. My problem? I show everything. If you knew me in 1995 and see me in 2010, this woman has the same spirit but more wisdom. If I love you, you'll know. If I love you today, I'm going to love you 20 years from now. Even if I don't see you or talk to you. Time is just an idea. Time can not reach into my mind and spirit and smoosh it around with a hand but it is I who have to navigate where my feelings go. I'm just hoping that I'll, one day, find someone who understands that. For this day, I'll just continue to move forward. It's hard letting go when you really don't want to. When you wait for the other person but it's not in them to reciprocate your feelings, you have to let go completely. That's the only way you can really heal.
COLD TURKEY BABY! Oh, my! That was just horrible. lolol.
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