(Forgive any typos. I'm rather sleepy. lol)
Sometimes, our souls are troubled by many different things that could potentially trigger anxiety, depression, anger, hopelessness, helplessness and an overall feeling of being lost. I am not stranger to this list of emotional strongholds. The love lesson for today is become familiar with those strongholds so they will not scare you into withdrawing from life.
I don't intend to fall in love with these things that draw me closer to fear and anguish because I have found when you fall in love with those things, you may do or say certain things to make sure that sure that thing you love stays around. I will, however, admonish you to get to know them intimately so that you are aware of the character that comes along with these emotions and how you can best address how they affect you from day to day.
We (the collective "we" that deal with emotional distress from day to day) tend to romanticize these things in our lives that hold us back from realizing our true selves and the strength that may be hidden from plain sight. We hold the sadness, caress the bitterness, kiss the loneliness, massage the fear; until these things are so comfortable to us that we embrace the things that may very well cause our consciousness and delicate psyche to collapse under the undue pressures. Some of us actually have conversations with ourselves whereby we continue to reiterate those false perceptions of who we are and our very worth.
Oh you don't talk to yourself??? That would make you crazy??? Think about that the next time you have a decision to make and you are going over in your head, the pros and cons or the decision, and decide if you are crazy. You aren't. Everyone consults with themselves but if you are someone who really doesn't have a large or even a small network of people to consult, confer, or even vent with, you only have yourself sometimes and that's not necessarily bad. I can't tell you how many self counseling sessions I've had. I'm pretty good. lol
Unfortunately, we are not all equipped to identify the swirling chaos of our emotions. Women, and yes men, and children have to deal with troubling emotions and how to deal with them in a way that doesn't overwhelm your heart, spirit and mind. It's tough because when you are in the thick of feeling the weight of your emotions, those feelings have a tendency to override what you know about yourself, your strength, your faith, you ability to overcome the obstacles, your beauty, worth and resolve to get beyond that moment of strong emotion.
I'm not a therapist. NOPE. Not at all. I've been told I should be one but my heart is so empathetic I'm not sure I can handle it. This isn't doubt in my ability. It's me knowing that I feel way too strongly to hear so many heartbreaking stories. If I could get beyond my own level of emotions I'm sure I can help others. I already do but, I don't know. Not sure how to finish that sentence. lol
What I was about to say was that I'm not a therapist but I have learned a lot about how I handle life, depression, stress, anger, frustration and a myriad of emotions I encounter. Maybe my method is too simplified for some who want the pomp and circumstances of "Look at my problems" but I don't roll like that. I may even be called boring because I have become very thoughtful before I commit to an action or decide to just say what's on my mind. Many people go the "I'll say what I want. If you don't like it, so what" route and though I do say pretty much what I want, I still have a self standard of how I like to be and like to be perceived. It's honest and not I don't tell everyone everything but I'm an open book, pretty much, but some chapters are reserved for only a few.
Got off topic again. Back to the methods of dealing with my personal cyclone of emotions.
I have mentioned before about my introduction to mindfulness and how it has helped me to pinpoint how I'm feeling moment by moment. Over the last year, the mindfulness meditation and techniques have been pretty great but I have to go a step further in evaluation what happens when I feel the weight of life barreling down on me.
This is the moment of transparency:
This week began with me on the way to work and I knew I wasn't feeling myself. I'd had a wonderful weekend but Sunday I began mentally evaluating all the things I needed, wanted and have not been able to do. Going to bed Sunday was okay but when I awaken to feelings of hopelessness, those feelings, over the course of the day, invited more and more emotions to pile on and take up residence in my heart. Needless to say, when I arrived at work I was not able to speak. Literally, I couldn't talk and when I attempted to all I could do was cry. I removed myself from my work area and went to work someone where it would only be me; tucked away in a corner of the building where if I needed to cry, no one would see me and yes, I cried. A LOT!!!!
I'm going to share 5 reasons I felt that way and 5 ways I was able to identify what was wrong and how I was able to come out of such a heavy tornado of troublesome feelings. Mind you, I'm not 100% but I can see clearer today than I could Monday morning.
Why did I feel so heavy?
- Simply put, life hurts: The only way I can explain that is that when you sit and think of what your life is vs. what you wanted your life to be, it can be sobering if you haven't achieved your goals. Each thought shakes our more thoughts eventually leading you analyze every decision you have every made that resulted in you being in this place. This train of thought can truly bring devastation to your mental state no matter how "okay" you thought you felt.
- Feelings of rejection: Some of us lead pretty solitary lives. Some by choice and some because we feel pushed into being alone. You may not mind it and sometimes you may even prefer being on your own all the time but there may be moments when you look around and no one is there. You know people but you just don't know if you can reach out to them because you feel like you will be a bother or they don't feel about you what you would like them to, be it family, friends, or romantic interests, so you retreat and in your mind decide that for all the times you have reached out and no one reached back for you, that no one will ever reach back. This may not be true but by now, you have convinced yourself there is no one who is for you. This is a terrible place to be in because so many people feel this way and the outcome of feeling this way could be tragic. The hope is that it will not get you to a tragic place but a place where what you know truly outweighs how you feel.
- Confusion: You see yourself and where you are and you don't like what you see but you don't know how to not be where you are. All of your plans have led you to this place of emptiness and you may begin to feel like "Damn. Maybe I don't know what's best for me." You feel like someone who gets to a 10 way intersection (I've never seen this but I've felt it. smh) and you just sit in the middle of the road with no directions, not maps or GPS to tell you which way to go. Any road may be the wrong way. Any road may be the right way. You simply don't know so you stand still. Afraid.
- You don't feel like you belong: Every component of life has a certain level of conformity. Even those who say they are unique and do what they want, look at them and see if you don't start seeing a pattern of conformity in what being unique is suppose to look or act like. If you act and look like all the other "unique" people, are you really "unique"? You actually will not find many stand alone unique people in this world without finding someone else who are pretty close to being their double. But as for you, your home, work, friends, church, wherever, you sit and look around you and you just don't feel a part of that world. How do you find where you belong? Do you belong anywhere? What does this "belonging" even means? It's a feeling of being somewhere where you can un-apologetically be comfortable with being and expressing yourself without barriers or labels.
- How you feel about yourself: We have a movement all over the world about loving yourself and the skin you're in and all that jazz. I mean, I totally agree. I don't want it to sound like I don't. However, people say "love yourself" without telling so many people "how" to love yourself. Consider living a life being rejected, being told you're not good enough (either by the words or actions of others), seeing what everyone around you calls beautiful, sexy, acceptable, likable, pretty, smart, worthy of their attention, and never feeling like you've been accepted in that approved world. Imagine being used only for what others want and never really being considered for who you are and what lies within your heart, mind and spirit because others can only see the parts of you they want to extract for themselves. Imagine sitting alone and not feeling like you have anything anyone wants. So many people feel this way every single day and it's heart breaking to me to know that I haven't a clue who feels that way and how I can help. When I have felt that way, even if I knew someone would listen, the ability to call or tell someone, my fear just wouldn't not let me reach out.
So, those are only 5 things that may cause people to sink into themselves and not know how to come out of it. Let me say that these are 5 things that I've dealt with. So let's now explore to the 5 things that helped me get up ("Up" refers to not being in that sad, depressed sinking place; to be happy and or feel no anxiety or overwhelming stress about life).
- Acknowledging how you feel at the moment you feel the destructive feelings: Over the last year, I have been using mindfulness techniques to be very open and honest with myself about how I'm feeling moment by moment. I'm not sitting around all day saying "this moment I feel this..." and "this moment I feel that..." but periodically, my mindfulness bell will chime on my phone (I admonish you to download one for yourself. It's great!) and I just stop and assess how I feel and why I feel this way. It keeps things in perspective that our feelings and thoughts change moment by moment so this technique de-escalates the intensity of emotion when you can break it down to it's core. Your may actually find that you are stressing for nothing or that you can actually handle a situation once you have broken down why it's bothering you so much.
- Have someone you trust that you can call on at any time for help: Don't be afraid to ask someone to be there for you. We cannot navigate this life alone and when you feel like you do, you need someone who you can reach out to and they will stop what they are doing to help. This isn't to say that you need popcorn for your movie and you call them and they are suppose to stop what they are doing to come bring you some. smh foolishness. lol But they are the call when your internal alarm goes off telling you you are not okay. This is one of the most important tips I can give anyone. Some people vent all the time therefore they have a constant audience to hear them and give them their "woo woo woo" moments. Most of us don't have that, especially if you're more introverted, private or just don't have many people you are close to. Some of us are very deliberate in whom we choose to seek out for help. Find someone. It is not weakness to ask for help. Real strength is reaching out during your weakness.
- Have a phrase that someone will know what it means when you start having intense feelings: I didn't even know I had a phrase until I used it and it was the only thing I could say. Monday I was so heavy and tears flowed so heavily that I could barely see and all I could text were 5 words: "I feel like I'm falling". The other person immediately knew what was happening and responded immediately. Sounds too simple, right? Not really or maybe so but there is a feeling that only you have when things get tough and there are specific words that nay convey what that feeling feels like or mean to you in that moment. The phrase could be anything. In the past, I have used phrases like 'My life hurts", "I feel lost", "I feel stuck", "I don't know what to do", etc. To describe how I felt. What all of this means is when you feel great, you have to remember to discuss your low times with someone so that they know when you're not feeling great. The thing people don't know about depression is that even when you are "UP", everything feels great and you're smiling and laughing, you are still working very hard not to fall. This is why it's important to be transparent with someone who you can say "Yes, I'm good but the last time was really bad. I don't want to feel that way. I need you to help me stay up and help me if I fall so I won't stay down." It's not always that easy but it's a start.
- Every day, spend time with yourself doing something that makes you happy: I have a secret. Don't tell anyone. I like bubbles. lol Yep. I didn't realize how much I did until I left my last job and someone gifted me with a pink plastic microphone filled with bubble liquid. Mind you, the labels says "3+". That means for ages 3 years and up. I'm am "and up". lolol It's crazy, yes. It's childish, yes. It's silly, yes, but for just a few minutes every once in a while I take it out and blow bubbles. The colors of the light through the bubbles and the freedom they have to go wherever they choose relaxes me. I'm not nuts. I just like bubbles. Find something random that you love that will make everyone else say "That's nuts." but you don't care what they think. Okay, let's be clear; nothing illegal (that should cover lots of basis), nothing that will endanger anyone, nothing destructive. Make it something positive and fun. Okay, let's be clear; fun but ...anyway. lol
- Knowing that this feeling is only for a moment and will pass: When we are in the thick of feeling these heavy emotions, they can make us feel like they are the strongest things in this world and nothing will ever get them to subside but trust me, even if those feeling last for a while, they WILL subside. Trust what you know and that these feelings are not necessarily truth. Feelings are really emotional reactions to a perception you have about something. Sometimes there is truth in what you feel but it's important to remember the things you know to be true and keep telling yourself that when you start to have strong emotional reactions to situations. Pay attention to the physical reactions to your emotions as well. Some emotions are triggered by certain circumstances or situations, which in turn, trigger very specific physical reactions in your body. Pay attention to them because many times if you miss identifying the triggers to the emotions, you can pick up on recurring physical reactions and knowing what they are can help you calm yourself and sort of itemize what's bothering you so you can get these feeling under control one by one instead of being flooded with thoughts and emotions that are coming too fast and furiously. By the time you are overcome with every feeling and thought at once, you feel helpless by the mound of worry that you don't know what to do.
One last thing I didn't add to the list above was this: Know where your strength comes from. Your faith is important. It helps you to draw strength from source greater than you. God's love permeates through me and I have been among many who have cried out and asked "God, why have you left me alone?" I have been discourages and lost and sometimes, even at you lowest points you have to recall all those blessings that came just when you were about to give up and even the times what you thought you needed didn't show up but you turned out to be blessed even more because you endured the storm. Many of us want the storm to go away or to never come but beloved, every storm you face and conquer prepares you for the next storm that may not seem so daunting. Don't give up your faith. It may be the very thing that keeps your sanity in place. My faith is in the Father, Son and the Holy Spirit. Where does is your faith?
Again, I AM NOT A THERAPIST.
I'm just a woman who, sometimes, feel the weight of her own world and the world around her come crashing down and I'm just trying to find ways to stay afloat. No matter how much we advance in life, our world gets bigger and bigger and sometimes we feel dwarfed in comparison. I'm not brave. I don't have a formula that is perfect for solving problems. I cry a lot but I laugh even more. I do feel lonely. I do feel neglected. I do feel like I'm traveling this life without navigation BUT... I KNOW that those are only feelings. Strong feelings but feelings all the same.
They will pass. I hope yours will pass as well.
B@PEACE.
PS. Sorry. Apparently, I just really needed to write tonight. :) love you lots!
