"World Quake"

I feel the breath pushing against my lungs trying to find a way out.
It doesn't seek to sustain me but escape; never to return.
Inside there is that undeniable sensation of confusion and hurt that feels like the shock of someone shooting both ice and boiling water into your soul; never the two shall merge.
The artificer stands and waits for the merchant to see his creation and marvel at it;
just as we want others to inhale every aspect of our goodness but in a moment it all goes away.
Like the child's imaginary friend at the point of maturity; the child, both, remembers and forgets.
Can there be calm in panic?
Can there be a dramatic peace?
Can there be a loving hate?
Can there be broken wholeness?
Can you see a bright shadow that cries in whispers?
As a lone tear falls and hits the ground, the world shakes

It carves my name into the earth; never to be removed and never to be seen



Written by:

Tru Essence,
Copyright 2010, T. L. Aldridge

I wrote a song today. It wasn't a club banger or a romantic (wanna kiss your face forever) love song. It was simply a song about love and loving you enough to wish you well, no matter where we end up in this life. It wasn't a long song. It wasn't a loud song. Wasn't even the best thing I'd ever written but it's mine and in the stillness of the simple melody, I felt nice. I cannot call it happiness or overjoyed or sad or melancholy. I felt nice. It's the feeling when it's 75 degrees and there is a breeze and you sit on a park bench and observe your surroundings as you sip on a bottle of water. I felt nice. No hurry. No anxiety. No longing to be here or there. No longing to be with anyone in particular. Just nice. This melody may only be just for me. I haven't decided but I like having it. In fact, I love having. It's a new song. Maybe I'll write a little nice new songs each day. Maybe that's what I need to ensure that tomorrow my heart and head have something to look forward to. Can't wait for the next little nice composition to spring forth.

~Stay TRU

Are you an island?

Man, oh man. Life is interesting. A few weeks ago I was all, "boo hoo hoo. Why is life so hard?" and now I'm all, "I can't wait to see what's in store. MAKE IT GOOD LORD!!! PLEASE!" I would love to meet the person who is self contained and doesn't need others or the rest of the world because maybe they can show me a thing or two. As for me I am acknowledging that I need people. Hezekiah Walker said it best in his song "I Need You To Survive". I saw that title today and I just started thinking that anyone who considers themselves "self contained" or without the need of others are only fooling themselves. Yes, while it is true that others cannot define your worth or control how you feel about yourself, it is something about being with others that helps you sustain. Whether emotionally, mentally, physically or spiritually; these people keep you going. They keep you motivated, encouraged and just charged about being here on this planet.

If you have ever met me in person you may have probably heard me say at one time or another, "Oh GOD, I hate people!" Let me just clarify that statement. I don't hate people. Parish the thought. I just can't stand stupid people but even they, sometimes, bring me a chuckle or two. Folks, although people say that "no man is an island", the truth is we kinda are like islands Not in the sense that we are alone but consider this perspective  for a moment. An island is not formed simply because it wants to be. There are several elements or components that contribute to the forming of these islands be they under water volcanoes or sinking land masses. 

I never knew exactly what that phrase meant until I attempted to be an island. Our perception of an island is one of loneliness and desolation and abandonment but we have to start viewing things differently. Even an island need various elements to sustain itself. It needs the animals that inhabit the island to help nourish it and bring new life from the ocean or far off lands. Even a spider from a far off land can be swept to a deserted island to start new life. The birds, vegetation, amphibious creatures; they all contribute to the sustainability of an island and we think just because there aren't any humans there that the island is lonely in and of itself. Well my friends, it isn't and we shouldn't be either. It truly takes others to sustain us. Be it encouragement, prayer, conversations, chastisement or any other component that helps elevate us; we all need other people. You need to hear "Everything will be alright." or "You were awesome!" or even "You're an idiot. Don't do that again." We may not need hundreds of people talking in our ears but if you happen to be what is considered an island, finds some new inhabitants who are worthy of your wonderful landscape, mysteries and beauty that you have to offer. I guess I can say that I am an island and I will continue to flourish because I need YOU to survive.

Stay TRU Loved Ones!!!

BTW- Okay, all this may have been a mixture of my thoughts about people and watching the discovery Channel's "Wild Pacific" last week.  lol...

WHOA NELLY!!!!

DC was hit with a fast and furious storm today. Some thought it was tornadoes while others described it as hurricane force winds. All I know is I had to run out the house to grab my clothes off the line and it looked treacherous. The clouds came so fast and the winds were so strong. I hope none of my  underwear are in anyone else's yard. lol.

My prayers and heart does go out to the two people who died in this weather today. It's hard to deal with but you just never ever know what's going to happen. I look at today as an example of my life in general. No matter how good things look, there may be a storm headed your way and when it hits you aren't quite sure what to do but you know you have to react. You don't know how long it'll be but  you pray so that you make it past the storm. my heart was beating faster when I went outside because I thought, "what if we're out here and a tornado comes from the other side of the trees?" Only God knows what the storms in your life will bring and all we can do is try to be prepared and weather the storms. After the storm, the sun started to shine and it almost appeared as if there was no storm but it left behind evidence of its existence. Trees down, power lines down, thousands of people without power and a few deaths from trees falling on a car and one on a little boy walking to a pool to swim with his family.

The last few weeks have been a storm for me but I'm here. The evidence of the storm is a broken heart, hurt feelings and confusion but I'm thankful because my power hasn't gone out and I wasn't killed by falling trees. I may have been, figuratively, hit by a one but I'm here. I'm still here to see another day and find another love. Dare I say that I'm excited about my future? I dare.  I'm ready. One moment I feel like if I could just reach back in time to change things the now could be different but I'm seeing things now that I couldn't see because I wanted so much for things to be different. I'm not the same woman and I'm okay with that. I'll never be the same and I think I'm okay with that also. I'm recovering from my sadness much faster now. I'm happy about that. We all have to live life the way we feel will best compliment us and the things we want to accomplish and it doesn't matter if someone else feels they are perfect for you. What matters is that you work to find what (and who) you want. I have absolutely not idea what the future will hold for me but I'm going to live. I wish everyone the best in finding the things and people who will help you be all that you desire to be.

OMG! OMG! OOOOOH....EMMMMM. GEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!! HELL ON EARTH!

Heard a joke the other day. Wanna hear it? Here it goes:

Hey fam! it's so hot outside,

HOW HOT IS IT?

THE DEVIL WENT HOME TO COOL OFF!

(badum bump)

LOL...okay. Fam, this heat is CAAAARAAAAAAAZY!  I made plans to be out all day today but I have a fear that if I leave the house, my shoes will melt and my feet will fuse with the ground; leaving me to be stuck in one spot to bake and burn and shrivel up like a peace of meat in a frying pan. Sports fans, THAT is not my idea of a good time.  You know how hazy it gets outside when it's hot? How the hell is it going to be that hot that the atmopsphere inside has the same effect? SHEESH!!!  My goodness!  Well I just had my morning popsickle. lol. Another one awaits. I think I'm going to make some icesickles. just put water in my popsickle container and suck on those later. Heck, anything would help.

My concern is the people who cannot come in from the heat. I really hope they can get to one of the cooling centers in and around DC. It's suppose to feel almost 110 degrees today in DC. I guess that's what's hot in the streets right not. That's what's hood?  Well, it's about 10:15am now and it's already about 95 degrees. Have mercy on me Lord. I'm going to get me some water and start my journey. If I never made it back, tell my babies I love them. That would be my camera, my music, my journals...you know. the regular.

Other than the heat, WHICH IS QUITE DREADFUL, I am okay today. Had a few bumps but I'm back. Loving life. I was working on my new schedule. I'm positioning myself so I can do more photography work to help towards my "TARA'S GETTING OUT OF DODGE" fund. That includes a car and an apartment that may or may not be in DC. I have a gig on August 4th for some head shots. I think I do pretty well with head shots so this shouldn't be too bad. I'll be back in the gym on Monday. YAY! 6:30 am Sharp! Oh man! That reminds me. Gotta go get a gym bag and some other gymie things. lol. LATER TATERS!!!!

Good Night

I guess my feelings are unstable right now. I was fine today but there was something hanging over me. Something deep inside of me wanting to scream but I can't because those desperate screams will fall on deaf ears. I know these kinds of feelings, at this point, will come and go. Joy, laughter and happiness will continue to surface but what I'm feeling now feels so bad. I'm not really crying but it feels like I'm on the threshold of crying and if I actually cross it, it will not turn out well so I have to try and pull myself out of it. I'm very tired and I'm going to bed soon. I think I'm mentally exhausted from all the planning I've been doing  the last few days. It's like the more I try to occupy my time and thoughts so I won't think about how I really feel, the more my heart sinks inside. I just need time.

It's been almost two weeks I since Jason broke up with me and I was much better this week but I miss him today and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. Funny thing is I have been better and trying not to think of him but it's not easy when your head and heart are at war. One wants the other to let go and the other is trying but it's hard.  I had it planned in my mind, all the things I would say to him; all encouraging; all loving and all wishing him well but I don't think I can even do that at this point in time. There's no going back. There's no point of return. All the rules of the game, we designed together, have changed and I won't clutch the old instructions to my chest like a dying woman's last grasp of a favorite childhood trinket. I opened my hands and it has been released but the one little part that is too stubborn to realize its own freedom stands near enough for me to feel it and take notice, if only for a little while. There is no anger in my heart for him. I want to make him believe one thing but he has already convinced himself of another. I'm sure his friends tell him he's made a good decision if he feels that way the same way my friends say it's good this happened now and that I deserve better. Maybe we were what each other deserved or maybe we should have never reconnected. Not sure how I feel about that now so I'm going to bid  you all a good night.

Okay, Okay, Okay!

Well, for the past week I've been writing sappy love stuff about breaking up and not understanding it and I'll be okay. Well, I'm okay so now I'm shifting my view to see my short and long term goals and dang it, I'm sticking to them. This week has been an interesting one because I have seen so many things that I need to do for myself so that I can be as happy as I can. Granted I'm a happy person and yes, I am a firm believer that some things, if they are on your goal list, can make you happy. that is if you're a happy person anyway. So here's my 2010-2011 list.

• FOCUS ON MY HEALTH - I can't do any of these things unless I'm healthy enough to do them so my main focus has been my health and losing weight. If I stay motivated and stay on this course I'll meet my goals within a year. THAT WOULD BE AWESOME!!!!

• GET BACK IN MY OWN APARTMENT- this living at home is driving me crazy!!!

• TRANSITION TO MY CHOSEN CAREER FIELD OR AT LEAST BE IN A POSITION WHERE I'm DOING IT MORE - that would be audio engineering and/or music performance and production.

• GET A FREAKIN' CAR!!!! - I feel that many of my goals haven't been fulfilled because I'm not mobile enough. There's only so much public transportation can do but that leads to my next goal...

• ENVELOPE MYSELF IN A CREATIVE ENVIRONMENTS - I believe this will shake those nerves I have about sharing my gifts with the world. I want to use them before they are lost but I have to have a way to get to where I need to be.

• TRAVEL MORE! - I'm planning a trip to Greece next year and I also plan to travel more in the states. I want to see places I have only thought of going and nothing is stopping me now so AWAAAAAAAAY WE GO! First stop, NY. Then ATL, St. Louis, LA, New England, Texas; just to name a few. I'm trying to get to these places this year. NY is already planned. ATL, all I have to do is make a phone call and the others aren't far behind.

• EXPERIENCE PEOPLE - I have always been apprehensive about talking to people although I'm quite chatty when I want to be so I'm opening up more. For example, I was at a concert tonight and saw the audio engineer, who came and sat right next to me, operating the sound from a digital sound board. It was a remote but it did the same functions as if he were sitting behind the boards and we started talking. I told him about me and he encouraged me to get back into my engineering. I just had the same conversation with my friend, Dawn. She said 'Please come back to the church sound ministry. They need you."  Then I guess I know where I'll be on Sundays. (^_^)

So you see boys and girls, I should have some a lot to blog about in the coming year so please excuse me. I have to go and learn this song I wanna sing at the open mic on Friday. My journey has begun. I'm loving being me right now. Later Taters!!!

More than okay.

LOVE IS STILL HERE; it just shifted a little. I refuse to be a person who will let a bad experience cripple my ability to love others. The truth is some of us love the wrong people and sometimes we love the right people but at the wrong time. Not that they don't deserve love but we put so much energy on a rouse created by a moment where the feelings may actually be deceptive. But can these feelings actually be real for both parties or are they based on the conditions of the moment?

I was just listening to Mario's song "I Miss My Friend" and after the first verse I changed songs because more than anything, I miss my friend. I can take the romantic love being lost or no longer desired but when you know you had a friendship that was tighter than most it leaves you at a real loss. No matter how other people may view your experience, no one will view it as complete as the people involved in the relationship. I haven't talked to him in a few days and it's so strange. Yesterday it took everything in me not to just text him "Hi". I know I can't because we both have to get over the initial brunt of this ended relationship. I know I have friends and family who would call me stupid or won't understand that I do want to be connected to him in some way. I don't want a romantic relationship at this point because I really need a stronger person who's willing to fight for me in a relationship and when we begin to see tense moments will stop to see why the tension is there instead of say "I just can't do this anymore."

I need a man who is willing stand up to the other people in his life who openly attempt to manipulate him. I can see it and others can see it but until he sees it, the manipulation will continue. I need someone who will be mature enough to know that childish games, at some point, have to end. I don't mean enjoying things  like laughing, cartoons, or things that make us enjoy our lives but the way we treat people; the types of relationships we hold and the sifting of the people in your life who may or may not mean well for you. To hold on to people whose characters are lacking maturity, wisdom and understanding towards others, to me, is just as bad as if you possess those characteristics yourself.

I guess more than anything I want to say that I'm more than okay. Now, I have to admit, at first I was just confused and hurt but I was contacted by someone and that left me PISSED OFF! LOL. I think I needed to get mad to really let go but I've had time to think and I'll continue to think but my thoughts have been of where to go next, not why the past didn't work out. This morning I was trying to remember my last real kiss with him and I guess with old age comes the ability to forget things easier. lol. I do remember it but it feels like it's fading because the relationship ended like it did. I'm having flashes of how we use to laugh and joke around and have our serious discussions. I was trying to search my memories to find a disingenuous expression or an indication that he was not who I thought. At this time, I'm not going to search anymore. I'm not going to wonder. I'm not going to try to recapture a fond feeling of our last anything. I am actually happy although there are moments of sadness, my happiness has always been deeply embedded so that if I go through something the sadness is absorbed and replaced with good energy. Family, I am happy. Do I miss him? Of course I do but my life will be fine. I guess my prayer is that his life will be fine also.

Hail Storm of Emotions

Over the last 7 days, I have gone through almost any and every emotion I can think of. I've felt love, hate, disappointment, disgust, hope, contentment, sadness, irritation, doubt, blinding anger, fear, calm, and the list still goes on. I am understanding that in all those feelings and emotions you have to let go of what is designed to kill you and your spirit and hold on tight to those that will see you through the trials that have you emotionally bound. I was fine today and ready to move on and one act of someone so vile tried to disrupt my peace. It's rumbled in my stomach for a while and I started to get a headache but I had to stop and say, "I'm better than this. I'm stronger than this. I will be blessed so crazy like, no one will understand why favor is falling on me like this." 

I still feel disappointment and hurt but it is subsiding and I'll be alright. I am alright. I still have love in me and this experience hasn't changed my position on loving other. Take care loved ones.

Stay TRU

Treading Painful Steps

A nimbus surrounds me as if I was frozen in time and space

difficult to move at the thought of a sacrificial action of a weary revelation

Haunted by my own longing to release the unwanted

to discard and be discarded; they converse about trade secrets of the unknowing cast

As I dangle on the last bit of string from a rope that was strong enough to carry two, the last one is left to fall

As I hit the pavement, do I stay there or stand and keep running?

My weary and battered feet begin...

Copyright 2010 Tru Essence

"What I think vs. What you think" - the eternal struggle between the sexes

As I learn more and more about who I am as an adult, I am often intrigued at how differently men and women view the same issues. I know and understand that the differences are unparalleled and it's almost impossible to simply say "We don't agree." but you are looking at two beings with genetic and social differences in perspective, interpretation, reasoning, emotions, and coping techniques, as well as other differences.  I love and appreciate that we think differently about things because when you are open to learning new ways to deal with obstacles or even excitement, you can draw new energy from a source that is connected yet detached from you.

I'm a girl. Thank you very much (taking a bow). I have been recently told that I have a heightened emotional character when dealing with relationships. Now, this is not because I'm a girl but because I'm a novice at relationships. Well, I thought I was doing pretty freaking well. lol. This is an instance where there are differences in perception. The man perceives that the woman is too emotional while the woman perceives her emotional handling of a situation much more subdued than other females and more thoughtful therefore she feels she's not doing half bad.

I'm finding that men are looking at the end result and women look at the cause and chain of events. If the end result is pain or hurt, men see and feel the hurt and aren't really sure how to get over it so they try to push it away or avoid it the conflict. Women tend to go over the events and why things happen to get some sort of rationalized reason to why the situation ended as it did.  I can go from point A to point Z and see all that I did and said and what he did and said and ultimately come to a decision of whether or not the ending result was justified or not. Yeah, way too much right???

Well fam, I'm learning. Love, though powerful and necessary, isn't the only component in a relationship. Sometimes, it seems like it's not the strongest component either but a relationship can't survive without it.
Men want to know that they can withstand the blows of a relationship. Women want to know that they both can take the hit and keep moving. I have always said that there are some things that warrant a break up or divorce but a misinterpretation of someone's message or action isn't one of those things. But I'm a woman and that's just my perception. I hope men and women can at some point in history, learn to bridge the gap of their ways of understanding but somehow, I don't see that happening. and that's my optimistic view. lol

Say You'll Go

Say You'll Go

~Janelle Monae

"Love is such a novelty
A rarely painted masterpiece
A place few people go or ever know
An underwater rocket love
Exactly what I'm searching for
You're brave enough to go
Tell me so...



Say you'll go to Nirvana
Will you leave Samsara?
In the words of Dhammapada
Who will leave? Who will follow?
Our love will sail in this ark
The world could end outside our window
Let's find forever
And write our names in fire on each other's hearts


Love is not a fantasy
A haiku written in Japanese
A word too often used but not believed
Witness the interaction of
The flood, the sea, the sky, the dove
Time erodes the shore but not our love


Say you'll go to Nirvana
Will you leave Samsara?
In the words of Dhammapada
Who will leave? Who will follow?
Our love will sail in this ark
The world could end outside our window
Let's find forever
And write our names in fire on each other's hearts



Do, do, do, do

Our love will sail in this ark

The world could end outside our window
Let's find forever
And write our names in fire on each other's hearts
(repeat)


Dreams
Aren't far away or way up high
For I see the road
And journey to tomorrow
Will you grow
Or will you stay and wait?
Who will go?
Who will leave?"

I guess...

I guess some things that are said just can't be taken back. Some things that we do are too much to move on from. Some feelings we have, we just have to obey. Sometimes you're going to hurt when you don't want to.

My heart is broken right now. I don't think I saw a love like this one ending so abruptly. I'm still in shock and not sure how to deal with it but I can't make someone want to stay when they feel they have to go. I can't make someone love me when they don't feel love is enough. I guess we all have our breaking point. I just thought we wouldn't reach ours so soon. I'm devastated.

SELF REFLECTION

"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails....And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."

                                                                                                     ~ 1 Corinthians 13:1-8a and 13
 
My hope is that I can love like the scriptures teach. I want to be a person who sees love in those she love and that they can always bear witness to her love for them. Even if that means placing my pride aside to say "I am wrong and I am sorry." Sometimes we try to make people see how something affects us without considering the effect our emotions have on them. Normally, I am pretty thoughtful before I react to something but we all have times when we just react. We're learning as we go. Adults are still learning, even after all these years and when you are in a young relationship you may run into uncomfortable moments when you are still trying to learn how you work with the other person.  I'm trying to live by example not just by speaking.
 
The man I love means the world to me. I know he wants to see me happy and I want him happy.  When I cry I know it upsets him and I know he doesn't want to be the cause of my tears. Most times, it's not him. It's just the situation that's difficult but sometimes it is him. well not really him but our lack of understanding with each other's coping mechanisms or perspectives. Anything worth having is worth seeing through the rough patches. I would rather cry every weekend for a month so that we can learn to communicate better and have joy for the rest of our weekends. to me that's a small price to pay for extended happiness.
 
I hope he reads this and knows that I'm committed to our future because I love and respect him and our relationship. Things will get better. They already have. We have the mind and heart to talk about our issues before they become issues.  I love him. He's my frog prince. 
 
 

 

 

Love never fails.

Craftmatic Adjustable Heat! WHERE IS THE REMOTE????????

What I love most about the summer is the joy I get from laughing at the people who wanted summer to come and when the heat comes they complain like the sun has a vendetta against them. Well, here's how it works. Summer is hot. Winter is cold. Fall and spring are both moderate and comfortable. A light jacket may be in order or just a long sleeve shirt on some days but those are the standards of the seasonal changes. Yes, due to the change in the environmental conditions over the years, we have seen a shift in standard seasonal weather and now it appears flibbiddy flobbiddy, thus, confusing the people who probably didn't grasp the concept of seasons in the first place.  I apologize in advance to the sad person I'm going to make fun of later when they either a.) tap the thermostat in disbelief that it's actually triple digits or b.) ask the question "Is it hot enough for ya?" 

Never ask that question when it's clearly 100000000 degrees outside. I know it's sarcasm but when your feet are sticking to the pavement, no one thinks it's funny. Ha!