Children

 

Seems these days I have been surrounded by babies. I mean, they aren't attacking or anything but I sit on the bus and there are babies laughing and looking at me. I get on the train and there are babies waving and giggling and crying. They are everywhere. Now, every time I see a baby or small child I am both happy and sad. I'm happy because I love the excitement of life that children have. Unspoiled treasures, they are. Then I'm sad because even though I know God to be a God of miracles, sometimes I feel like I'll never be on the receiving end of this kind of blessing. I don't think it has to do with any biological clock but without getting into specifics I feel like I will never have children. Do I want them? Of course but sometimes I feel they are not in the cards for me.

The real truth is I just don't know what's going to happen or what God has in store for me but for now all I can do is watch the little kids and smile and pray that they are kept safe and grow to learn and love like they should. I don't know. I guess I have too many adult children that require my attention for now. lol...

It's just that sometimes I wonder if anyone will ever call me "Mommy" but until then I'll settle for "Auntie". 

I don't really get too sad over these feelings but earlier I was watching Tyler Perry's House of Pain on TBS and one of the characters, Janene was pregnant and went into labor and when she thought she was  having one baby, she had twins.  Yes friends, it's TV but I kinda teared up because it was beautiful and so many woman experience holding a little life that they can nurture and love; a life who will grow to be their ongoing legacy. Now I wonder, who will carry Tara into the future after I'm gone? The doctors haven't told me I can't have children but they haven't said I can so in the next month or so I should know a little more but I'm not worried either way. It's just that lately it's been on my mind and a topic of discussion among my sisters and me.  Boggles the mind but all we can do is pray and continue living. If I ever end up a Mom, what a great blessing but if I never become a Mom, my blessings will not be diminished one iota.  

Life still goes on.

I'm very honest in my blog and in general so many things I express here are simply my honest thoughts. I am not sitting around worried about not having children or what ifs. I am just thinking.