It's there. You just buried it.

Go get your shovel. You have work to do.

(This is going to feel random but stick with me. 😉😉😉)

Okay, Let's say on average, we all get 75 summers, falls, winters, and springs. Reality dictates that there are too many variables  that could shorten or lengthen that time but for the sake of the blog, let's give us a solid 75 years. 

I am 52 (July) so that means I got about 23 cycles left. When you think of it that way, that's not a lot of time. What's interesting is that even with this knowledge of our finite timeline in this realm of existence, WE STILL WASTE TIME WITH BULLSHIT THAT DOESN'T MATTER. 

(okay, I'm composed...maybe)

I'm losing people and the truth of the matter is the longer you live, the more people you will have to say goodbye to. My dad is 86yo and he has seen his parents depart, all of his siblings he grew up with depart, life long friends and family, even his children's friends who have passes on that he considered his extra kids, he has said goodbye to so many people. People can look at it as a blessing of long life or the sadness of long life. Both are valid. 

This post, however, isn't necessarily about how long we may have left but what we do with the time we have left. Morbid convo? Not really but it can be sobering. No one wants to think about our exit from this life but it is an inevitability that no one who has ever been born will escape. I try to think of end of life as completing the mission I was sent here to complete. Granted, the mission will end no matter what we've accomplished or wish we could have done so at some point, regrets are useless and living to accommodate others is pretty ridiculous in the grand scope of life. I was thinking about a creative project I completed in 2021 with a friend and how much fun it was managing the process.  I want to do more of this but time is getting away from us and prioritizing projects, for me, has been tough but I hope to get better at not trying to do every thing all the time. The project we started is called HAPPY GOES THE DAY about a young professional, Magnolia, and her band of merry homies. Her sister Jaymes, and coworker Crissa are my favorite characters. lol I've written more scripts but the team needs to coordinate schedules and contracts to keep them going. That's just an example of one creative thing I want to do and not feel like I'm prioritizing it over something more important or something perceived to be more important. I get to determine what is priority and I'm starting to appreciate that more each day.  

Basically, the time I have left, however much that will be, needs to be spent doing what I love doing, helping others, creating, and enjoying expanding my creative energy. I really hope to connect with the team of creatives and innovators to make my nonprofit come to fruition. This has been an objective for me for many years but the thoughts about starting it have become more concentrated over the last decade. I realize that I have actually lived much of what I've dreamed about, thought how those dreams are manifested looks weird sometimes but... still. I dreamed and worked to get my BA degree without paying any more money out of pocket because I've paid so much over the decades. Well, that happened. Georgetown University, Class of '22. Started my masters but realized the program I was in was not my vibe. It wasn't a good fit but I was willing to keep going. After leaving an executive role at Georgetown and moving away, I needed a hiatus. How many people say "I just need to not work for a while but I can't just stop." Well, I did. Two years rest. Granted, I have coached and did some workshop facilitation after I left but I was able to sit on my deck, with a drink, a cigar, my dog by my side and watch the trees, listen to the birds, and at night, watch a sky full of starts I couldn't have seen in DC. 

I desire to tap into my creative self and become more engaged in the arts. I wanted to change my environment so that I can be creatively nourished after years of creative dehydration. Now, in September, I start my second masters program at the Savannah College of Art & Design (SCAD). The day after I enrolled last week, I took advantage of a watercolor and different medium technique workshop. It was awesome!!! Sometimes, even in challenging times, I have to reflect on where I am and ask myself, "Regardless of what it feels like, am I living inside of my dream or what I requested of the universe?" I must say "Yes!" It's tough but I wanted to leave DC. I'm out. I wanted to get some rest. Rested. I wanted to go back to a creative school and yep. I'm coaching, and finally starting my nonprofit for young creatives and innovators. It's been on my mind to head to Savannah before finishing my grad program at SCAD. I can go to the Atlanta campus but Savannah is calling me. We'll see. I know my nonprofit would benefit from the concentration of artists and creative innovators there. We'll see. 

Life is not always easy, fair, kind, or logical, but as long as life keeps lifing, we can make parts of it beautiful. 

I hope you're living inside of your dreams.

~Stay TRU💋

Artists & Innovators Leadership Project: Living a life of purpose and paying it forward

Go Fund Me for the journey to AILP

I’m always working even when it seems like I’m not, and I go underground for a while. Work is happening, and I'm making progress. Sometimes moving forward requires you to look back to see what could have been done better and to consider what we wish we'd done. You know. Those deferred dreams. But before I focus on making an impact in business, technology, or even education, I want to start with the human conditions that create the changes we desire to see in the world. I am making strides with the creation of my nonprofit organization, Artists & Innovators Leadership Program (AILP) (fundraiser link below), which creates programs that will foster support networks for young artists and future entrepreneurs. This takes a lot of time, energy, resources, and dedication. 

Love looks different sometimes

 by TRU Ess

When I collapse into myself

A savior isn't always the answer

Not always is it necessary to save me

I don't need them to say "It will be okay." 

Sometimes, love looks like their tears intermingling with mine

Sometimes, love doesn't need you to be strong

Sometimes, love needs to fall with the knowledge that I can get back up 

But this moment requires quiet stillness 

with the softness of a paired heart that may not understand completely 

but holds space for the weakness of the moment

love, sometimes, looks like the covering of brokenness 

without the need for reassembly to erase what brokenness looks like

Sometimes, love doesn't look like forcing things to fit

Sometimes, love looks like scattered pieces that, in the scattering, 

create an unfocused image of beauty

Sometimes, love has to look different when we are transforming how we understand ourselves in the world

Sometimes, love isn't a held hand

It's a closed door, and a shared seat by the window as the storm rages outside

Sometimes, love is a glance of understanding as debris flies by in chaos

Sometimes, love is shared in the messiness of who we are trying to become

And sometimes, love just looks different because we are no longer the same as we were

When love looked safe

Grief is not just about physical loss

Some of our most prolific insights come to us at the most random times. The topic of grief has been consistent for me the last few days so, yep. Imma write about it. 

I would have been...

(Typed with thumbs on a small screen by a pretty blind person. Smh) 

There are so many things we could have been. It only takes, what may have seemed like a small insignificant decision, to change the trajectory of one's life. It's like turning right and ending up in a ditch, or turning left and meeting the person you will fall in love with that changes your life forever. We could have been many things. Endless versions of ourselves exist if you believe that we live in varied parallel dimensions or timelines.

What's crazy is you can only evaluate what you could have been after you have taken those turns during your lifetime. Most people know that what you can be is a "hopeful unknown". What you could have been is a version of an unknown but depending on your talents, education, dedication, reasoning for your decisions, you can deduce that your life very possibly would have turned out differently or at least what you initially aimed for. Even if you eventually ended up in the same place you are now, the journey would have been different,  thus, creating lessons you may not otherwise have learned without those journeys. 

Okay.  That's the universal philosophical thought behind what or who we could have been. For me, I would have had a dope ass life. Lol. I do but just differently.  Where would I be now had I learned to play the piano at 4yo? What if I had the paint and easel when I got my satellite paint brushes in elementary school? What if I continued writing plays after I wrote and directed my first play in the 4th grade? Let's fast forward a little, shall we?

What if I said "yes", when my Jr High basketball coach asked me to try out for the team? What if I had an art portfolio when I auditioned for HS? What if I left home at 17 and went to NY to study fashion design? What if I finished the architecture program at VSU and went on to be an architect? What if I accepted the the Interior Design chief's invitation to join the ID program at VCU? What if I stayed in Richmond in 2001? What if I called my gramma more before she passed? What if I had gone to see my cousin when I planned to a month before he passed away? What If I didn't say yes to the temp employment company that I ended up working for from 2001 - 2011, afterwards surviving on temp work? 

What if I really were pregnant that one time? What kind of mom would I have been? The little booties I bought were super cute. I should have saved them. 

What if my cousin didn't text me that day?

What if no one knocked on my door after deciding life didn't want me anymore?

What if I stayed in DC? 

What if? 

What if? 

What if?

What if I let go of all the what-ifs?

The most authentic version of freedom. 

We will never EVER be able to go back and change those what-ifs. We have no clue what tomorrow holds. All we have, truly, is right now. I could have been a million possible variations of me, and still I can ot help but be thankful for this ole raggedy version of me. 😆 

After an interview this week, I experienced a rejection that I wasn't terribly upset about because one of the Board of Directors said, mid-interview, "You are wildly overqualified for this role." I replied, "I know." 😆  When the Executive Director broke the news, she said, "You can do anything with your credentials." Again, I know. 😆  She actually said they are working on another position in leadership, she thinks I'll be more suited for. Mmmhmmm😏😉. But what if I did get the role that minimized me? A choice. A "What if" situation, if you will. 

With my sensitivity that people view as a liability,  I see it as a gift. My ability to reason using data and logic, and not emotion, like people assume, is priceless. The way my heart continues to love so fiercely after it's shattering would justify a transition to coldness. The way my mind analyzes the world around me so I can decide how, when, and where to move. 

This is sort of a love letter to myself that I wished I'd have written so that my 14-year-old self could have held and read it. I would have told her from the beginning to trust herself and not depend on extrinsic motivation for her to succeed. I would have given her permission to live fearlessly. 

Every version of who I actually have been throughout history still resides inside of me, so I can tell her now, "You did a great job with what you knew about yourself in this world." 

I think she would like that.  51 TRU would like that, too. 

I'll ponder on that for a while. 

TOO

Some days, words come. 

Is it worth it?

 "I'd live this whole damn life all over again just to meet you once again."

~ Alex Isley