This year, my life has been unlike any other year of my life. I pray that the last quarter of this year will yield unbelievable happiness and fulfillment for me. I have grabbed a hold of love only to have it yanked away. I have seen my purpose in the distance and am now making tracks towards that purpose. I have been totally independent only to have to learn to swallow my pride and ask for help. I have had to speak up and be quiet, all within the same time frame. I have had to re-evaluate who I am, what I want as well as what I feel I deserve, be it the love of a strong supportive man who loves me enough not to let go so easily or the happiness of doing something I am meant to do and be who I am meant to be and telling myself "YOU ARE GREAT AT THIS!" I have cried to God to let His will be done and at the same time questioned why His will included my heartache. ALL of this has been to build me up for my next step. No matter how hard it appears, I made it through the last chapter and I'll make it through the next.
It's amazing how strong we appear to people on the outside and even those who know what you have gone through have not been in your secret place to feel your pain, hear your cries or lift your head when you felt the pressure of life holding it down. They don't understand why you rejoice like you do now because they don't know that you were one word, one reaction, one tear drop away from just going and never coming back. Some people may understand the situation but your feelings, thoughts, rationalizations and heart all belong to you and no one will ever be able to fully understand why and how you cope with the things you do.
I have watched some people walk out of my life this year and not really know why. At the time, I was completely baffled but now I have to say that what's not for me is not for me and who is not for me is not for me. You can love someone with the power that could set a blaze the most massive icebergs in the Arctic but that cannot make them love you any more than they are going to or even can love you. You can be the best friend to someone but if they are not going to be a friend to you you can not make them. I don't care how proud you are, you can fall to your knees and cry out "WHY? WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?" and God's reply may be "Why not you? Are you expecting to move through this life without trials? How will that help you grow? Do you not see my love helping you come through this?" My reply???? "Can you love me a little softer? I'm gettin' bruised up ova here!" lol
I am trying to move forward and I'm not sure if the past wants to let go completely. My hand is completely open and even if I have to cry as I walk away, I have to walk away. The next chapter awaits.
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