The Hook Up

Life's Love Lesson #90900

The Hook Up

If you have a heart, you still have the capacity to love.

I have decided that I would try to keep my blog more on the side of the positive aspects of love. Not to say I won't write about heartache at all but even in heartache, remembering the good things about love helps you cope; even if just a little. 

The last year has been uber crazy but I'm good. I ended 2015 with a decision to walk away from a few "ships" that weren't taking me anywhere. I loved them. Well one, the others I just liked a little bit but nevertheless, I had to release whatever they were but love, in all that it is and can be, is always good.  I haven't dated much since last June and honestly, I don't really want to date much but I guess you have to get to know people some way or another.  I bring up the dating thing because I have made mention before how none of my friends or family have ever asked me about my dating life or if I wanted to be fixed up or ever even suggested setting me up with anyone. I guess if they don't feel I'm that appealing then they would think someone else wouldn't find me attractive. 

FUCK THAT! I'M HOT!!!! lol

Anyway, I have realized that what other people call flaws in me are the perfection of who I am. I wouldn't be me without them so, yeah, I'm great. I'm not gonna go into self improvements. That's not my point for this particular blog although everyone can use some improvement. No one's perfect but sometimes, when you are happy with loving yourself, "flaws" and all, the improvements are not necessarily to fix something that is broken. The improvements are more like enhancements. Anywho...

So yesterday, one of my sweet and crazy coworkers comes in my office and says "Are you single?"

My first thought was "Oh God, Why?"

I said "Yeah. Why?" This crazy woman says "I have this friend who asked me if I knew any nice single women and I told him most of my friends were married but I did tell him I worked with a few single women.  I told him about you." 

I said "Now why are you telling people about me?" lolol. She says "I have a picture of him on my phone at my desk." So of the four of us in the office, I'm the only single one. My coworker asked her if she was married and she said "No. I was married but that ended last year. We were together a long time."  

Okay, so now my question is "Why are you trying to set me up with the supposedly great guy and you are single yourself?" I smell some fish somewhere. 

My first question was "How tall is he?"  She said he's pretty tall. He's taller than you. 

O_O

That didn't answer my question. If he's 5'6" he's taller than me. I told her I need someone at least 6'4". lolol. 

Shiiiiii...

Dated a guy last Fall and he was about 6'4". Yeah. I like tall.

Anyway, I walk to her desk and she shows me his picture and I start thinking again (because that's what I do).  She has a picture on her phone. She's single. She says she talked to this guy then says she doesn't know if he has kids or not and that she knows him through a friend. That means she doesn't really know him well. Because I know how to add 2 and 2 together, I'm assessing that maybe someone tried to fix him up with her and she didn't want to date him. lol. Maybe not but I'm not the dumping ground for men who can't find anyone else. lol. 

It's all good though. He wasn't bad looking but there wasn't an overwhelming attraction to him when she showed me his picture. That's not to say he isn't wonderful in person. Oh well, maybe. We'll see but I have to give her credit. At least she thought of me. These other losers in my life are terrible. It's like no one cares if I find love or not. lolol. I have four sisters and two brothers and no one has ever said "I have a friend who's single. Want to meet him?" That's all good though.

I guess I'm just not lovable. (Fake Frowny Pouty Face) 

Let me say I love love.  I won't hold love hostage because of previous heartaches. I view them as very intense lessons that, apparently, I needed to learn. I'm educated now so yep. 

Love is beautiful. Some people will only know what they think is love but is actually the palest comparison to the authentic article. Some people are searching for themselves in places and people; trying to fill that void they have named "love" but how long will they search before they stop and realize that the source of their desire lies in understanding who they really are and what they truly want from love and someone else.  How do they want to be loved? Truly? Can they communicate that to someone so that they feel like they are being loved the way they desire to be?

We all need to communicate love, not just physically. Sex is not love. Sex is sex. It may be fun and wonderful and the best thing ever but it's not love.  What happens if you can't have sex anymore? What then? 

Okay, I veered off topic a bit. Back to the hook up. 

No. I don't want to be "hooked up" right now. lol. 

2015 was the year of breakups, avoiding a crazy dude in Italy who wanted me to have babies FOR him (tha fux???), a man with very few words who I couldn't really communicate with, a man who claimed me as their future wife causing me to but the kibosh on the whole thing real quick and finally gave it a try but walked away (like a boss) from someone I considered a dear friend since about 2009 and thought I could really love but realized I would only be wasting my time and my love. 

2016, I don't intend on dismissing the idea of love but I have to love me intensely and completely. I have major goals and I'm going to take this time to see those visions and goals to fruition. If I meet someone, okay but it's not my objective. At my age, not that I'm old, if no one has tried to hook me up with someone before now, I'm not extremely eager to be set up now. No thank you ma'am/sir. 

My advice to the rest of the world?

Fall in love! Be that jackass couple everyone rolls their eyes at saying "All that is not necessary." Kiss in public. Grab each other asses and giggle. Hold each other like you don't want to walk away from one another. Be excited about each other's dreams. Embrace one another. Not just a simple "I'm hugging you but I don't really like hugging" hug but an embrace where you hold on and maybe rock a little but you hug so completely that no air can find it's way between you two. Cuddle. Send goofy texts with inside jokes that only you two get. Love like you knew for sure that you would never see that person again. Love with urgency.  But before you love someone new, make sure you are in a position to love them. Don't hurt them trying to love everyone else as well. That's selfish and Love is not selfish. Love is many things but selfish is not one of them.

Love, loved ones!

Do you have love goals?  You should. They are great!

People And Their Stuff - Part 2

Life's Love Lesson #90898People And Their Stuff

As for Bill...(is where we left off)

Men are forever saying women use sex as a weapon but this is just plain foolishness. I get where he's going, too, but my take away from this was "If you give me sex I'll work on being better." Shit, even though it sounds a little selfish that she would ask him to do those things, ultimately those things would benefit him the most but all he could see was sex. 

People are going to miss out on lots of things when they only focus on sex but hey...to each his own.

Today, the young lady was telling me how she still doesn't feel the same about him and though she comes off very sweet and nice, there have been many times we've talked and apparently she's been told she is the best thing since sliced bread so there is a little arrogance there where she feels men have to bend over backwards for her. Hey, if you can get away with it, why not, right? When a man, moves you from another state, drives you to and from work every day, puts a roof over your head and send flowers to your office every few weeks for no reason at all, drives all the way to your job in the middle of the day to bring you lunch; I kinda think he thinks you're his girlfriend. There is nothing wrong with doing those things. They are wonderful but she, as "sweet" as she is comes off as someone using him and bottom line is she is. We all use one another but in this case it's deliberate.  I know she is planning to move on and she has said she has told him this. 

My only words for her is be honest with Bill and begin to become more independent so that when she move on it won't be a shock to his system and there will be no bad blood between the two. He's doing a LOT for her and she's not giving anything in return. That will also leave him a little bitter and when the woman comes that will truly feel the same way and appreciate him, he may not want to go all out for another woman for fear that he'll be taken advantage of. If he's truly a nice dude (aside from that jacked up privilege comment he made to her) he'll find a nice girl who will love him. He's looking for love and Elle isn't the one. 

There is nothing wrong with having preferences when choosing a mate. We all have them. I cannot call someone's preferences/expectations/standards unrealistic because who am I to say that they are. Some may call my expectations unrealistic but they are mine. I would say your expectations should be known upfront. Now some people will lie and act as if they are fulfilling your expectations when they have their own agenda and don't intend on fulfilling those expectations. Expectations are not the same as requirements. Standards is more like requirements with wiggle room. If you have these standards and the person you meet don't meet those standards upfront or at least be working on it, don't waste your time. Not to say that person isn't worth getting to know but you can't change people. They have to change themselves so getting into a relationship with someone you think needs to "change" will only make you frustrated. 

I'll use myself as an example. I'm a plushy plump woman; a BBW, if you will. I have known many guys over my life who, no matter how lovely or nice or sexy I may be, will never prefer me and that's okay. If someone likes me but think I'll be better as a smaller woman, no matter how much he tries to convince me to lose weight, he cannot make me. He can encourage me but ultimately I'll have to do the work and that will only happen if I really want to. He cannot come into my situation and say "Change because I would prefer you this way." His best bet would be to say "I like her but I'd prefer someone smaller." and go find someone smaller. If he tries to change me and I don't change, he'll see someone else anyway and that will cause lies and hurt feelings. I'd rather you leave than to cheat. On the flip, if he tries to change me and I don't want to change, I'll resent him for not loving me the way I am and that will also cause great friction in the relationship. 

I'm a bald lady as well so if you want to run your fingers through someone's hair, I'm not the one. For now, I'm the fat bald lady. Deal with it. lol

Anyway, love is easy. Relationships aren't easy. People are complicated but love is easy when you know how to love and how you want to receive love. There is a huge difference between loving someone and wanting someone to fill a void that you have named love. 

People And Their Stuff - PART 1

Life's Love Lessons # 90985People And Their Stuff 

Well, since I work in an office with 3 other women, it is safe to say that we will, at some point during our time together at work, discuss the topic of relationships.  That's kinda what we do. One of us are married. Another of us has a boyfriend. One is living with a guy who wants to be her boyfriend but she doesn't feel the same way about him. The last of us is single and actually wants to stay that way.

Okay. I'm the last one but this story isn't about me. It's about my coworker who is living with someone she doesn't have deep feelings for. I'm not going to put all her business out in the street but I have a very particular perspective on her story but when some people have an agenda, no reasoning will get through to them about the decisions they are making in their own relationships. Besides, it isn't my business and I'm not in a relationships so I don't give relationship advice. I offer a unique perspective on an individual's feelings about their own relationship. I will never say to a person, "This is what you need to do..." or "If I were you, I'd..." Again, none of my business, however, if someone wants to share with me, I don't have a problem with that. I'm honest and will tell them if I agree with them or not but ultimately, my point of view isn't the one that matters.  Their's is. 

So let me see if I can make her long story short or he sake of not boring you to death with...pshaww...words. 

Let's call her Elle. 

Elle is new to the area. She moved to Virginia from Minnesota after a breakup with her ex-boyfriend. She is about 30 years old. Cute girl. She comes off really sweet and innocent but, smh...yeah, that's a another story. After her breakup with this guy who, apparently, stressed her out to the point that she became ill, was not supportive and ultimatly...TADAAAAAA...got someone else pregnant (I don't know if it was before or after they'd broken up), she met this guy, let's call him Bill. (I wanted both their names to have 2 ls. lol. Sorry. Back to the story.) Well Bill, I guess, became that needed distraction for Elle and he fell for her actually moved her to VA with him. Now, I don't know how you just move someone but he did. I guess she really wanted to leave the situation. Well, this young lady moves to Virginia and once here, she sees were the guy lives and even though he showers her with flowers, gifts, takes her where she needs to go, wants to be with her and goes all out to show her, she simply doesn't feel the same way about him.  She told me that he doesn't have enough drive for her and that he should have a house and be doing everything he can to place himself in a better position because...and these are her words "I expect more and if my mom can raise 3 girls and still have  a house, he, as a man should have been able to raise his two girls and at least get a town house."  

sigh...okay we'll get to that in a minute. lol but I feel you.  I feel her but I have a dual perspective on that point. 

Now, I have told her time and time again, you can't make someone have the level of drive you wish they had. The problem with this situation is she moved away from the ex who, she says, was a very driven and determined man who basically neglected your feelings, and moved to a man who caters to all of your feeling but personally isn't driven as much as the ex. 

I don't give advice but I had to tell her, "You have to stop comparing the two. They are different men and you want the new guy to have the same traits as the old guy but there are reasons you left the old guy."

Now here is where things get a little funny, sad and ridiculous at the same time. I'm going to add bullets so that it won't feel like the story is going on forever. 

• Remember the ex who got someone pregnant? Well he was engaged to her but she lost the baby and the wedding was cancelled. Meanwhile, family and friends are telling her she needs to come and talk to him because he still loves her. O_o  She asked me what should she do. I said, "Leave it alone. You left. Why would you go back?" She kept saying "I just want to take to him and ask him some questions.  Loved ones, Imma say this.  Sometimes it's best to leave well enough alone because a conversation with the ex will go 1 of 2 ways. A. He will not give you that huge "I'm an ass and I'm so sorry I fucked up" speech you're waiting for or B. He's going to pull you back in and you're going to go through the same shit. But hey, it's your choice. 
• She told me before that she wanted to date guys who were established and had their own homes, cars, money and good paying jobs. GOALS!!!! I don't hate her for that. You need to have expectations. Who wants a broke, unemployeed man? I don't know. Somebody but I don't hate what she wants I just don't like that she has the sugar daddy perspective because she wants someone to take care of her. Again, nothing wrong with that BUT...I told her well, while you're waiting for Mr. Everything, why don't you position yourself to be successful and once you do that you place yourself a position to meet other successful people. Focus on you and he who compliments you will come. Don't look for someone to complete you. Be complete and allow another whole person seek you out. 
• This one was funny. She said she wanted to date a white guy. She black. I said, "Okay." lol I won't knock her. Hell, I'd date a white guy in a heart beat. Oh, I'm black. lol The problem with how she presented it was as if dating a white man would guarantee her someone more successful than dating a black man.  I wanted to say "Oh, honey. Do you know how many broke white guys there are?" lol
• So finally, this was the take away with our conversation today about Bill. He feels that all the women he pours his heart out to and goes above and beyond for are not returning his love.  If man or woman is in a relationship and they are giving 100% an the other is barely giving 10%, they need to ask themselves "Is this the one for me?" At one time Elle told Bill that he needed to do all he can to move from where they are now and work on getting a job making more money and he texted her that he was willing to do all those things if she returned his "privileges".

First of all, um...FUCK THAT WITH A DUAL HEAD DILDO!!!  (Sorry. I cuss sometimes.)

It's one thing to encourage someone to better themselves and their situation but you stepped into his situation and I know Elle wasn't saying it like "In order to get this, you need to do that." but she already expressed that she didn't feel the same way about Bill sooooo (and this is just me thinking) if you don't feel the same affections for him but he got the house and the job and the money, will those things make you feel differently or will you be willing to settle for him because you can live more comfortable on his dime??? I'm just asking questions here.

As for Bill...

See Part 2 of People And Their Stuff

Days Of Wonder

Life's Love Lesson # 90948

Days of Wonder

As I sit on the edge of my bed, my mind wanders to places that once existed and those yet to exist. I have a tendency to feel deeply the things that have not come to life but could. Thoughts of a perspective outcome of a situation that may never even happen sometimes occupy my senses and I find myself mourning an experience that is, at this point, only a possibility; one of many.

Tonight I feel a tremendous loss.  My eyes are red from thoughts triggered by either intuition or an energy that seeks to stimulate sorrow and have me distracted enough to forget what path I'm on. Maybe for now I'm just standing still and only think I'm moving forward.  I feel a strain that I hadn't felt in months. Maybe I have been avoiding the loss of love. The loss of more than one friendship that has forced me to sit and stare into broken mirror searching for a whole image of some woman I thought I wanted to be.  Maybe I have tried to understand who I am all the while missing the mark that provides me the most basic description of who I am. I don't know who I want to be. I'm not sure I knew who I once was. Maybe I never knew.

Love has a way of pulling you under water and forcing  you to take deep gulps of salty confusing memories or ghosts of a past version of yourself.

I mourned tonight as if I were standing in front of a casket giving the eulogy of someone I don't want to live without. Love pours out of you even when the hurt feels greater. Each step closer I take towards this woman I think, thought or don't know I want to be, the farther away the pentacle of who I really am moves away from my grasp.

When I did truly love, I did completely. I have known others who have caught my attention but love was never meant for them. Tonight, I mourned not wanting to love like I once did. Tonight, I mourned not having a heart that could survive another shattering. My red eyes and headache is a combination of the loss of self and the inability to find me again. I simply don't feel capable of being right now.

So what do you do when you feel such an immense level of loss in oneself and the ability to know or give love again? 

You play a love song. Then you play another. Then you remember that you didn't always feel this lost and remember that you warned yourself of these times. You allow yourself, for a few moments, to fully feel the hurt and the flood of memories are just momentary so you let them reveal themselves until they have spoken their peace and you have regained yours.

You remember when love was good and what you hope love will be for you again and you tell yourself, "This is just a moment."

And while the love songs continue to play, you turn your lights out, lie in the dark staring at a ceiling you cannot see and listen to someone sing of pain you are feeling until you drift off so that you can prove that you can make it through the night.








Some days I feel like a "Stupid Girl". Jazmine said it.

The Beautiful Tomorrow

The opinions we have regarding the concept, emotion or physical feelings of love expand with each thought of what we could have done more to make failed love succeed. Our ideas of how we can, somehow, control love has become the proverbial joke behind our backs; rumors in the shadows of what these ideas are. 

Failed love is not just about failed romance. Failed love is about not taking into consideration the hearts of those who honestly and completely care and love for us while letting our clouded judgment of what we perceive love to be, meanwhile neglecting what love actually is.  

The biggest challenge most people face is understanding themselves enough to know how to truly love and know the person you are. So many factors play a role in understanding how to love yourself and many of us roaming aimlessly through space and time seem to have not been included in this colorful cosmic joke. We look at love as some puzzle with too many pieces to keep track of so we settle for the perception of love. Truth is many people feel guilty, less than, undeserving of love, or simply lost. 

How does one understand love if they don't understand who they really are?

With hope, we look into a future expecting things to mystically shift towards this invisible wall called "love" but it can't be seen with mere mortal eyes. True love, if it exists among humans, is not something that can be stored away from the eyes of the world and brought out at the convenience of selfishness and/or fear.  Love is that thing that holds onto your spirit so tightly that it starts to crossover into physical manifestations. Love is powerful but delicate and paper thin. Love is honest but lies about how easy it is. Love is one of the most simplistically beautiful things in the world but also the most complicated monster we face because it, this thing we call love, can fill you with the most shockingly beautiful feelings but as you flip that coin over, love can rip the beating heart out of your chest without one surgical incision. 

In my opinion, love is simply a series of moments that cause you to believe that its this long lasting organism that remains the same through time. Love shifts. I don't, however, believe that love disappears. I think love demands to be recognized even when we don't want to believe it. A person who says they hate someone they once have claimed to love, in my opinion, can't harness such bitterness if there wasn't this resentment inside for loving the person that much. I think love fuels some people's rage and hate for someone or a situation because they cannot control the situation or the people involved. I have a coworker who talks so much about disliking or hating one of the guys in the office. She has been acting like she has nothing but pure disdain for him but the next moment she's telling me she can't help how she feels. Either she's a great liar or her emotions are exposing her lie of hating him. 

Do not date someone you work with. I don't care how nice they appear. Leave the office romance alone. Especially if both parties are married.

Love is strange.

Love is challenging.

Love is quite childish at times. 

Love, on the other hand, is kind, warm, intoxicating and inviting.

This is why we keep returning to it. 

 

BIPOLAR LOVE PERSPECTIVE

Life's Love Lesson #907389 

Bipolar Love Perspective

So I confess that I'm rather bipolar when it comes to love. I love and hate the idea of it. The confession of wanting love and needing love often is overshadowed by the feelings of resentment of having opening loved in the past. I want to shut love off but keep the tap open in case I should find myself in a position to embrace someone who truly loves me. SMH.

I don't want to dismiss the possibilities of encountering that unexpected love source while at the same time not looking and trying to avoid love like the plague. It's pretty terrible though I'm pretty happy at the same time. Even though you may long for a love you also can celebrate the lack of drama and worry that comes with relationship/love anxiety. For now, I have no worries about if someone loves me enough. I'm working on loving myself. It's pretty awesome.

Currently, the time I would normally take thinking of, talking about, or enacting my own perception of the perfect love, I am working on business opportunities that I had to force myself to accept because of the doubt I had about myself. Now, my confidence is greater because I realize how talented I really am. Still apprehensive sometimes but I am actively building up my confidence, my knowledge and my brand. I have a new group of clients that will be depending on me heavily in the coming months and I'm excited.

I'm excited because I get to be creative in my own projects but with my new clients, I get to put on my management hat again. Setting up my business, my clients' business will bring more clients in the next year. I have such a vast set of skills I'm trying to cultivate and though it may seem selfish, right now is he perfect time for me to dive into myself to work, enjoy life and be my own best friend. Could I do all of this while maintaining a relationship? Of course but for now I need tunnel vision. Relationships involve other people and that can yield unpredictable drama that I just don't have time for. As I grow older, I'm more forward with my thoughts and perspectives. This will lead me to being more confrontation than I have been in the past so for now, I need to be focused on business. It's pretty great.

The few interests I've had this year have been great but since I'm not chasing anyone (which is a huge mistake for us (women) many times in the first place) I have been able to focus on myself and my goals. I told my friend the other day that I don't trust people so it's easier for me, now , to let go of people. I know. I know. I'm not bitter. I just simply don't believed the words that come out of people's mouths so I don't hold on to many things that could potentially hurt my feelings later. lol. Crazy, right? For now, that's how I rationalize things.

Wait. What was I talking about again?

Oh, Bipolar Perspective on Love.

Anyway, Love is alright, if you truly have it. If you do, don't fuck it up. If you don't, hold on. It'll come but in the meantime, LIVE LIFE FULLY!

As for me, I'm still seeking that supernatural love.

Loving this group here. King. Awesome! I want to be like Paris. She's the producer and musician. #CAREERGOALS

"MR. CHAMELEON"

"HEY"

"THE STORY"
This is my real goal. Peace out!!!!

WHY DO WE, HOW DO WE, WHY WON'T WE TRULY LOVE?

How does one measure love? We all have different standards by which we quantify love. How effective are our measures and are the findings true or are they fabricated to convince us that our efforts to create or find perfected love is not in vain.

Turns out that I simply don't care anymore.


Well, maybe I shouldn't say anymore but for now.

The lesson learned about love is sometimes that we feel certain ways about it but allow how we feel to override what you know and that can be dangerous.  Sometimes we want to override knowledge to satisfy our momentary thirsts, desires, bitterness, detachment or whatever you battle with. For now, I'm laying down my battle gear and crawling under the covers and letting the rest of the world figure out what love is, isn't, should be or shouldn't be. It's strange to know that one day you can feel so much about how wonderful love is and could be and the next day a hardening has happened to the places that were once soft and pliable; always ready to accept and embrace whatever love meant to you.

I don't think it's a broken heart more than a revelation of how humans operate under the guise and the knowledge of how love works or how other people love that has halted my desire to love and be loved. I don't think that desire ever really goes away no matter how you try to convince yourself that you are protecting your heart. My personal issue is (and I don't mind sharing it with you) I just don't believe people anymore. The bad part is you could actually be telling me the truth and I just won't believe you. I'm not bitter about it. I just don't care to plead a case why I do or don't believe anyone. Show me and you will convince me. Tell me and I'm still not sold.

Some people manufacture love based on what they need to get from the other person. The word "LOVE", in my opinion, is vastly overused and misused. I don't mean to sound bitter or anything because I'm really not. I'm actually happy for the most part. My woes are more about my purpose and place in this world, not with a man so I'm good.

I'm all for talking it out and expressing feeling but when you have done that so many times and is basically transparent and things still blow up in your face you kinda want to just go lie down. lol.
Let the rest of the world deal with the issues.

You can't escape your issues but for now, you can just take a breather and rest.

Love will be there, somewhere, when you're ready but I'm going to crawl under my covers and rest.