Time

Time. 

It's a silly little thing that expands and contracts, sometime seemingly simultaneously.  It's also an illusion and a tangible thing held by hands or flashing symbols reminding us of what we have wasted and what we don't have enough of. 

Time.

It moves backwards using memories, forward using hopes and dreams, but it never stands still.

Time can never be a permanent thing. 

Time can show us when we were loved, when we loved, when we lost, and opens a space of the hopes of recovering what was once a valued possession.  Time is the only honest thing we have and lose in one breath. 

History is becoming as each second passes. The future is never reached. Only the present arrives and leaves in one breath. 

A breath. 

If we are granted, generously, about 75 years of changing seasons, the only things that are truly shared in humanity is the breath and the heart beats of a moment; sometimes syncopated,  but present nonetheless. In a moment, a breath, if noticed, can tell everything about who you are, who you were, and a glimpse into who you could be. Who you are meant to be is an ongoing mystery that is a lifelong discovery.  

Who could you be? 

A moments leaves a lot of what ifs on the table. 

Time.

For some, a moment is enough to absorb every logical though, rational decision, emotional reaction, every dream, doubt, fear, anticipation. A moment is overwhelming. In a moment you can feel certainty about your path and doubt about your decisions.  You can be glad to have loved and also wish you had never loved at all. The relief of heartbreak is indescribable to most but not to those who have settled into rejection like a warm plush blanket on a frosty winter evening. Hot cocoa anyone???

Time.

The asset/resource that can never be replenished. When it's gone, it's gone forever. Some say we live multiple lives and even then, one moment is not shared among them. Each stands alone. 

Some believe we are electric beings, comprised of the elements of the universe and when we depart from our physical form, our energy folds back into the universe, sometimes to return. My belief is aligned more with this theory. Maybe some call it heaven. Idk. I just hope my energy/spirit sees where my ashes travel to when I'm gone. Will my energy remember the love held, received, freely given, denied, and rejected or will all the things we wrestle with  dissipate never to be recalled? I wonder if we forget the pain as an added layer of protection which allows our souls to rest in peace. 

Only one way to know and time will take care of that when it is meant to. 

Who, what, or when was your truest love most known to you?

Has time allowed for healing or heald you hostage to a love that can never return to you? 

Time.

It isn't until it has zoomed by that you realize how fast 30 years can be. It isn't until you can say, "I remember when..." that you identify more with your reminiscent parents more than you ever had in your youth and young adult lives. I've been cursed by the word "legacy".  If regarding offspring, time has solidified that my legacy ends with me. No descendants.  That's not necessarily a bad or sad thing but it is a real thing. I'm not a mom. Will never be. I'm not a godmother. I'm an aunt without relationship to those I once cared for. I often wonder if I can remember when I chose this life. Did I choose this life? Am I a good friend? Have I ever been? 

I'm not a good friend. If I were, wouldnt I have some? Maybe. Maybe not. Time has shown me this subjective "truth" that tends to shift depending on the level of serotonin present. 

I'm just thinking aloud on a digital piece of paper. Idk

Time is to be revered but we treat it like we treat God. When we need it, it is all we can talk about but when we don't think of it, it is not considered a priority.  We're such foolish creatures. 

But back to time. 

Time. 

Does time really heal old wounds? Physically,  healing happens. Fully? Sometimes, no. This is also true with the heart wounds. We adjust life around the new version of who we become after heartbreak. It's like losing a loved one. We don't recover. We restructure. 

Admittedly,  I still hope time heals my heart. For all the breaking it experiences, I hope that it has endless restructuring plans. Complacency with rejection and heartbreak is never the goal but is it really that bad if it keeps you moving forward. 

🤷🏾‍♀️

(Forgive any typos.  I'm blind tonight and just needed to type with my thumbs.)