Days Of Wonder

Life's Love Lesson # 90948

Days of Wonder

As I sit on the edge of my bed, my mind wanders to places that once existed and those yet to exist. I have a tendency to feel deeply the things that have not come to life but could. Thoughts of a perspective outcome of a situation that may never even happen sometimes occupy my senses and I find myself mourning an experience that is, at this point, only a possibility; one of many.

Tonight I feel a tremendous loss.  My eyes are red from thoughts triggered by either intuition or an energy that seeks to stimulate sorrow and have me distracted enough to forget what path I'm on. Maybe for now I'm just standing still and only think I'm moving forward.  I feel a strain that I hadn't felt in months. Maybe I have been avoiding the loss of love. The loss of more than one friendship that has forced me to sit and stare into broken mirror searching for a whole image of some woman I thought I wanted to be.  Maybe I have tried to understand who I am all the while missing the mark that provides me the most basic description of who I am. I don't know who I want to be. I'm not sure I knew who I once was. Maybe I never knew.

Love has a way of pulling you under water and forcing  you to take deep gulps of salty confusing memories or ghosts of a past version of yourself.

I mourned tonight as if I were standing in front of a casket giving the eulogy of someone I don't want to live without. Love pours out of you even when the hurt feels greater. Each step closer I take towards this woman I think, thought or don't know I want to be, the farther away the pentacle of who I really am moves away from my grasp.

When I did truly love, I did completely. I have known others who have caught my attention but love was never meant for them. Tonight, I mourned not wanting to love like I once did. Tonight, I mourned not having a heart that could survive another shattering. My red eyes and headache is a combination of the loss of self and the inability to find me again. I simply don't feel capable of being right now.

So what do you do when you feel such an immense level of loss in oneself and the ability to know or give love again? 

You play a love song. Then you play another. Then you remember that you didn't always feel this lost and remember that you warned yourself of these times. You allow yourself, for a few moments, to fully feel the hurt and the flood of memories are just momentary so you let them reveal themselves until they have spoken their peace and you have regained yours.

You remember when love was good and what you hope love will be for you again and you tell yourself, "This is just a moment."

And while the love songs continue to play, you turn your lights out, lie in the dark staring at a ceiling you cannot see and listen to someone sing of pain you are feeling until you drift off so that you can prove that you can make it through the night.








Some days I feel like a "Stupid Girl". Jazmine said it.