More than okay.

LOVE IS STILL HERE; it just shifted a little. I refuse to be a person who will let a bad experience cripple my ability to love others. The truth is some of us love the wrong people and sometimes we love the right people but at the wrong time. Not that they don't deserve love but we put so much energy on a rouse created by a moment where the feelings may actually be deceptive. But can these feelings actually be real for both parties or are they based on the conditions of the moment?

I was just listening to Mario's song "I Miss My Friend" and after the first verse I changed songs because more than anything, I miss my friend. I can take the romantic love being lost or no longer desired but when you know you had a friendship that was tighter than most it leaves you at a real loss. No matter how other people may view your experience, no one will view it as complete as the people involved in the relationship. I haven't talked to him in a few days and it's so strange. Yesterday it took everything in me not to just text him "Hi". I know I can't because we both have to get over the initial brunt of this ended relationship. I know I have friends and family who would call me stupid or won't understand that I do want to be connected to him in some way. I don't want a romantic relationship at this point because I really need a stronger person who's willing to fight for me in a relationship and when we begin to see tense moments will stop to see why the tension is there instead of say "I just can't do this anymore."

I need a man who is willing stand up to the other people in his life who openly attempt to manipulate him. I can see it and others can see it but until he sees it, the manipulation will continue. I need someone who will be mature enough to know that childish games, at some point, have to end. I don't mean enjoying things  like laughing, cartoons, or things that make us enjoy our lives but the way we treat people; the types of relationships we hold and the sifting of the people in your life who may or may not mean well for you. To hold on to people whose characters are lacking maturity, wisdom and understanding towards others, to me, is just as bad as if you possess those characteristics yourself.

I guess more than anything I want to say that I'm more than okay. Now, I have to admit, at first I was just confused and hurt but I was contacted by someone and that left me PISSED OFF! LOL. I think I needed to get mad to really let go but I've had time to think and I'll continue to think but my thoughts have been of where to go next, not why the past didn't work out. This morning I was trying to remember my last real kiss with him and I guess with old age comes the ability to forget things easier. lol. I do remember it but it feels like it's fading because the relationship ended like it did. I'm having flashes of how we use to laugh and joke around and have our serious discussions. I was trying to search my memories to find a disingenuous expression or an indication that he was not who I thought. At this time, I'm not going to search anymore. I'm not going to wonder. I'm not going to try to recapture a fond feeling of our last anything. I am actually happy although there are moments of sadness, my happiness has always been deeply embedded so that if I go through something the sadness is absorbed and replaced with good energy. Family, I am happy. Do I miss him? Of course I do but my life will be fine. I guess my prayer is that his life will be fine also.