Good Night

I guess my feelings are unstable right now. I was fine today but there was something hanging over me. Something deep inside of me wanting to scream but I can't because those desperate screams will fall on deaf ears. I know these kinds of feelings, at this point, will come and go. Joy, laughter and happiness will continue to surface but what I'm feeling now feels so bad. I'm not really crying but it feels like I'm on the threshold of crying and if I actually cross it, it will not turn out well so I have to try and pull myself out of it. I'm very tired and I'm going to bed soon. I think I'm mentally exhausted from all the planning I've been doing  the last few days. It's like the more I try to occupy my time and thoughts so I won't think about how I really feel, the more my heart sinks inside. I just need time.

It's been almost two weeks I since Jason broke up with me and I was much better this week but I miss him today and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. Funny thing is I have been better and trying not to think of him but it's not easy when your head and heart are at war. One wants the other to let go and the other is trying but it's hard.  I had it planned in my mind, all the things I would say to him; all encouraging; all loving and all wishing him well but I don't think I can even do that at this point in time. There's no going back. There's no point of return. All the rules of the game, we designed together, have changed and I won't clutch the old instructions to my chest like a dying woman's last grasp of a favorite childhood trinket. I opened my hands and it has been released but the one little part that is too stubborn to realize its own freedom stands near enough for me to feel it and take notice, if only for a little while. There is no anger in my heart for him. I want to make him believe one thing but he has already convinced himself of another. I'm sure his friends tell him he's made a good decision if he feels that way the same way my friends say it's good this happened now and that I deserve better. Maybe we were what each other deserved or maybe we should have never reconnected. Not sure how I feel about that now so I'm going to bid  you all a good night.