Enduring Your Weeping Hours

One of the loneliest and heaviest feelings I have ever experienced, by far, has been the overwhelming outpouring of tears through swollen eyelids, hurting head, heavy heart and hopeless emotions. Tonight, I don't have a heavy heart and I am not crying but I'm reflecting on past moments I have been terribly broken and I think of others who, in a single moment, can't handle pressure and break down. It could be a traumatic occurrence or something that is eating away at you in your daily life that causes such an emotional reaction. I was once asked "How do you prevent yourself from getting depressed?"  My reply, "I can't. I can, however, pray and begin to identify the triggers for depression when I'm not in a depressed state.  For me, it's more about the reaction to a sadness that can either send you spiraling into a depression or allow you to push through it, all the while acknowledging how you feel." There are no two people that handle depression the same but you can find a way to not be swallowed up by it. 

The last few days, I have been overcome with an need to improve, not just my way of life but my way of thinking about myself.  I'm not self-loathing or anything but many times I have felt like I'd been dealt a horrible hand in life and not just physically but emotionally.

I look at my face, my body, my hair and other things that I wish were so much different and I feel like the world is looking at me and hoping I'd go away.  It's hard when there is a standard of beauty or success that depends on how others view you.  The bad part is we take how we think others see us and infuse that into our thoughts about ourselves.  When you spend so much time feeling awkward about yourself, any and every other issue that comes your way is amplified because your emotions and self image are already delicate. 

Personally, I have learned that this version of Tru is what I have.  I can't make myself anyone else and I don't want to.  I have spent so much time wondering if I'm lovable that I forgot to answer my own question by loving myself. The people in the world who seek others because they feel I'm not good enough to love, accept or I don't fit into the kind of friend, partner, employee that they want have the right to seek another but it's how you handle the rejection that sends you into the depth of depression, if you allow it.  This weekend I have been watching many health documentaries and there was a doctor in one of the documentaries who said she tells her patients to look in the mirror every day and say this following affirmation: 

                        "I accept myself unconditionally, right now."

 I love this because when you start to appreciate you and the path you are one, you can start to reorganize your thoughts and emotion which ultimately leads to you revamping how you think of your journey forward and those that may or may not accompany you on your journey.  Some of us may walk the road alone but always accept yourself unconditionally as you are at this moment. That doesn't mean you don't want change and you will never get sad again but these little tips may just help you endure those weeping hours; one affirmation at a time.

You are strong.  You are beautiful. You are exactly who you are suppose to be right now and for everyone who turns away from you, there is someone coming towards you. Don't be afraid to accept yourself.  

Honesty.

Most times, when we speak of honesty, we speak of being honest with someone else regarding an uncomfortable topic that could potentially result in the other's dissatisfaction with our feelings, opinion or the pointing out of a denied fact.

Today, however, I am writing about honesty with one's own self. Realizing there has been a lapse in what you have allowed yourself to believe or deny is such a challenge for the average person but when you have to believe or deny facts about yourself, there lies the biggest challenge. No one wants to confess that they are flawed unless they are already self loathing or have a low self image but when you think you have it all together, how do you handle the fact that you aren't as together as you thought you were?

The first way to deal with understanding the truth about yourself is to know that you are human and can and/or will succumb to the same problems, obstacles, challenges, temptations, and vices that causes many people to fall.  Humanity, in its most basic definition, is flawed and that's why we can identify with one another with empathy. There is no perfect human because there will always be a level or skill or understanding that humans will not ever reach. Perfection is subjective therefore, there can never be a central control room that holds the perfect perfection formula for humanity.  People will fall. People will be wrong.  People will choose the wrong thing. People will dislike. People will argue. People will be tempted and people will give into some temptations.  In fact, some people will tell you that they love, what some consider, flaws. How can perfect people appreciate imperfection?  Is that even possible?

The second way to deal with understanding the truth about yourself is to stop expecting others to be perfect or understand you without knowing the depths of who you are.  For example, when we are relationships, we get upset if our significant other is not understanding enough or attentive enough about a particular situation that we have yet to communicate with them about. We also look for them to never mess up or never disagree and when the uncomfortable moment comes where we have to look at them in the eyes and disagree, before wanting to deal with that moment, many people just give up because they don't want to work at being transparent in front of someone. If you want relationship of nothing but happy times and agreement, you aren't being honest with yourself.

Another way to deal with being honest with yourself is acknowledging that sometimes you will have to alter your vision and your plans.  Whether it's a relationship that you can't bear to walk away from or if it's a career path that you decide isn't right for you.  Nothing about relationships or personal objectives are written in stone; unless, of course, you actually write it in stone and if that's the case...REALLY?  Thing change and people change and after chasing a goal for years or loving someone for a long time, you may realize that where you are in your life now isn't where you were when those relationships began.  There is nothing wrong with changing course as long as you change for the better.  Don't throw a relationship or goal away because it's difficult.  Alter how you approach your objectives and you may find a better way to deal with whatever obstacles you have without casualties.

The heart is a tricky thing.  We long for love and success and our emotions become addicted to that warm fond feeling of loving someone and having that love returned. In fact, some people are addicted to expressing love even when the other party has, in so many way, shown, expressed, or proven that they are not on the same wavelength you are when it comes to love and affection. Being honest with yourself may require you to look at your situation through someone else's eyes to point out thing that you have glazed over because you are sooooo in love or in soooooo much denial. I don't say this to say if someone else tells you something is wrong you just follow whatever they say but some times you are so deep in a situation that you can't see the broad scope of the situation.  Even when it comes to other personal choices like career or friends, we "feel" a certain way and go with it instead of thinking first.  Everyone should have that level-headed friend who thinks when you feel.  There is an old DeBarge song that I use to love called "The Heart is Not So Smart".  Some of the lyrics are:

"The heart's been broken, it's been bruised and it's been burned. So after that you think, 'Hey a lesson might be learned.' But you keep falling for those same lies every time. Sometimes, the heart can be so blind."

I love that song and have always carried that with me.  For example, I really want my bachelor's degree and I've been trying so hard for so long to get it.  My heart is growing weary because I feel like I'll never get it but I've learned to not be so dependent upon my heart and appreciated my mind for thinking  around my feelings.

Life isn't perfect and neither are we.  It's time to be honest about who we are because if we can't be completely honest about who we are, we can and will not be honest with anyone else about who we are. We spend so much time covering up who we are and our faults that we become so comfortable with the denial and the outright lies we tell ourselves and others.  The biggest problem we have is acknowledging our faults and lies and actually changing what and how we handle situations.  I have learned that some people are so comfortable that even though they know they are lying, they are more willing to continue with the self lies than change for the better.  some people will spend years lying instead of being honest and not having to worry about being "found out".

I have always said "You never have to lie your way out of honesty."

One love!

Never Too Late to Make Time for a Dream

I guess it was meant for me to write this blog today because I was thinking I should blog this evening but I didn't want to type from my phone and my computer at home won't stop typing the letter "f". Lol however, I happen to look down at my phone and my blog app was open and a blank post was waiting for me to start typing so, of course I am obedient to the random happenings around me so of course... I type.

At this time of beginning this blog I am on the bus closing in on my home destination but while I sat on my three buses home I honestly reflected on where I am in my life and where I would like to be. Many people aren't happy with the current state of their lives but they also don't know where they want to be or where they want to go.  We roam this life hoping that, by chance, things "work out" but it isn't until years go by and we notice that there are really people out there who still believe in their own dreams and we can't help but stop and wonder where we strayed from our path and more importantly, can and how do we find our way back on track.

The great news is that as long as we have life we have an opportunity to fulfill our dreams and destinies. Sometimes, however, finding one path to follow is rather difficult and, I will gladly be transparent for a moment to be an example of someone seeking her right path.

(Gonna try to make this quick but please don't hold your breath. Lol.)

Age 4  - I wanted to play the piano and asked for a piano for the next 11 years until I realized...I wasn't getting a piano.

Around the same age (4 yo) I wanted to tap dance and this has stayed with me until today. Lo, I am not a tap dancer but have danced to myself over the years to keep the love of the art alive in my soul.

Wrote stories and plays in elementary school and even directed one with a cast and everything. That was the last time I performed one of my plays. Later I would proceed toward acting but...yeah. Let's move on. Smh

 Let's fast forward to high school, shall we? My desire was to attend The Duke Ellington School of the Arts in Washington, DC as a visual artist. Throughout my entire youth I loved to draw. Visual Arts was my first and really only choice for Ellington but lo, again, I had no portfolio or anything to show but because I wanted to get to Ellington, I decided I would get in under another department then transfer to the VA dept. My second choice...theater dept. I had a hard time deciding on a monologue because I was clueless so I proceeded with my third and easiest choice for me...vocal music dept.
I chose a song, practiced, and the day of the audition, I waited in the tan painted hallway of the music floor with other nervous hopefuls, who would later become some of my best friends, and waited to be called to sing my song.  Well, I was called in to a room where an older gentleman sat at a piano waiting for me. Nervous, I breathed a breath of "let's get this over with" and the stern faced older gentleman behind the piano introduced himself as Dr. Dash. Later I would study vocal techniques under the instruction of his wife, Mrs. Dorothy Dash.

Okay, I was ready to sing my song, My Tribute (To God be the Glory), but first I had to sing scales and such to display my range. After a few scales, the older gentleman behind the piano smiles and says, "Thank you. I don't think you need to sing your song." he then thanked me and sent me on my way. I was in!

Four years, one jacked up recital later I graduated Ellington more confused than when I began. Thinking I was hurting others, I stupidly decided that I would not sing again.  The ignorance of youth. Fast forward to the present where I have completed an architecture program, photography programs, audio engineering and music management program and have written so many songs, poetry and other writings that I feel like if I learn one more thing I'm going to push information out of my brain.

Even though this story is not brief at all, O_O, I look at my life to see where I veered  away from my path and passion and I ALWAYS end up with thoughts of when I graduated from the 6th grade. All the graduates were asked what we wanted to be when we grew up. While the other students said the standard canned responses like President, lawyer, doctor, and police officer, I gave a response that no one else gave and I still have the graduation program, somewhere, with, my choice. And what did Tara want to be?

A musician.

Sometimes it is good to revisit the desires of your heart as a child because it could shed light on where you may really should be. Sometime your desires may change but I can almost promise you that you still love some of the same things you did as a child. Help facilitate your children's dreams so 30 years later they won't still be wondering if they could have done more.

As for me, Im going to finish sketching this picture and tomorrow I will practice a few music pieces.

I finally got my piano. (^_^)

Searching for Peace

"Love is available to you at the very moment you think it's the furthest from you."

TRU Essence

I had a conversation with a family member who is feeling lost, alone and unsure that she can make it beyond this day.  Many times our feelings are in direct conflict with our knowledge of who we really are and how much strength we really possess.   Knowing that words don't always help in a situation like that, I had to start with telling her how much I love her and that even in this moment, she is stronger than her worries; stronger than her fears; stronger than her loneliness; stronger than the situation that brought her to this place.  She is stronger than her adversary. 

We often look so far into the future based on our current situation and see a more amplified version of the present.  We often neglect what we know about the strength we have acquired to get where we are and feel like we will faint in the face of struggles.  We look at our issues and weigh the fairness of it and feel like if life is unfair in this situation, life will always be unfair to me.  The truth is sometimes life is very unfair.  Living this life isn't about fairness. Life isn't about everything going the way we want it to go or us being shown favor in every situation.  Sometimes, people will take things from you that isn't there. Sometimes someone will give you something that's not yours. Sometimes you will not receive the things you want no matter how much you want them but trust this: God sees it all and if you can say you are hurting you still have another chance for happiness and growth!

Trust when I say that I understand the valley experience.  We all have them.  They may differ in circumstances but what we feel from them still equates to a pain that, for the individual, feels unique.

It's difficult to find peace in a situation that is birthed from chaos.  People of faith don't always draw from that same faith but, even if for a moment, fall to the worry and doubt that the world has told us is unavoidable, necessary and never ending.  Our feelings are not always reliable, especially when you KNOW how strong you are.

I'm learning everyday that I'm stronger than I feel.  We all are.  You are.  Peace is available when you get to a place to shut out the loud noise of chaos and draw on your strength.  I'm not saying the issues will go away but how you react to them may.  I pray we all continue growing in peace and encourage each other to do so.  We all need to be mindful of any contribution we may have to the chaos we facilitate in the lives of people we suppose to love and even the people we claim we don't love.  If you spread chaos, that's what will come back to you.  If you share peace, even in the chaotic moments you will be able to retain some of that peace to carry you through. Live isn't easy but it doesn't have to break you. 

Be @ Peace Loved Ones!!!

Real Life Requires Real...


Stay TRU  

VALENTINE'S DAY: A Rose with Many Thornes

I had a discussion with my friend to day and asked him what he was doing on Valentine's Day.  It wasn't a surprise to me that he hadn't given much consideration to doing anything on Valentine's Day since he has already stated he didn't like the day and of course I had to ask him why. 

***Side Note: Sometimes, just don't ask any questions because the answers will, most likely, not make since to you or just seem pretty ridiculous but it's their viewpoint so you have to respect it.***

I told him he didn't tell me why and why are men always scared they will have to spend some money.  Well, my friends, I was told, ehem,  "It's like Christmas. It ain't your birthday so why all the gifts?", then he proceeds to say that hopefully he's shown his love year round and women always trying to get money spent on them. smh...

Well, here is my perspective on any holiday or special day set aside to recognize a particular purpose or cause.  Valentine's Day does have very specific historical meaning. For me to get into St. Valentine and why the day exist will be too cumbersome. Besides, I have written about that before in detail and I'd rather not get into that now.  You all are big boys and girls and can research that at your leisure.  The truth is we acknowledge these days and celebrate as symbolic gestures to stop and remember the important things of life. Well, most holidays have some greater symbolic meaning and all we do is pause to acknowledge it.  Have these days become commercialized? Surely, they have but they have become more commercial by those who are generating income from these day and not everyone focuses on the monetary "inconvenience" it may impose.  For some reason, the monetary "inconvenience is amplified on days where some people are encouraged to purchase or just show appreciation for someone else with a gift of some kind. Doesn't have to be a huge expensive gift  but a simple acknowledgement. I have heard people fight so hard against Christmas and Valentines Day because "IT'S COMMERCIAL" and "IT'S ALL ABOUT MONEY".

For example: a person will spend an entire paycheck to buy food for one day, sit around participating in gluttony and sloth and say that it's all in the name of THANKSGIVING. Saying a prayer before dinner doesn't cancel out the fact that you just spent your rent money on food you're gonna scarf down in a few hours. How about all the Halloween candy and party favors? 4th of July cookout fixin's and decorations?  What about St. Patrick's Day?  PEOPLE WHO AREN'T EVEN IRISH WILL CELEBRATE THIS BUT GIVE VALENTINE'S DAY THE BUSINESS. 

Well, Christmas' gift giving tradition stems from the gifts given to the Christ Child and grew to be symbolic as sign of showing love towards friends and family in celebration to the gift that was given to the world. No one ever said a dime had to be spent. As the world has changed, the love of money has taken root in may and has tainted the meaning of these days. Yes, we should love and acknowledge our friends and family daily but with the hustle and bustle of everyday, we, sometimes, take for granted the people who are important to us so these days are like a reminder in society's calendar to stop and say "I love you." Valentine's Day is about love.  It appears to me, sometimes, that even when we try to stop and focus on love, people still let the worry of money cause them to restrict their ability to show love on the day set aside for that purpose alone. The flowers are wonderful.  The dinners are great.  Trinkets are pretty. Gifts are wonderful and yes, women like to receive gifts. Who doesn't? All I can say on Valentine's Day is even if you show love everyday, Valentine's Day shouldn't cause such a problem, now, should it?  The people who never show love may have a problem because now the focus is put on them to step out of who they are to do something out of their comfort zone.  Bottom line, men don't want to feel like they are being made to buy something to show they love someone and women are emotional creatures and SOMETIMES an act of love and appreciation goes a long way with us.

The Other Side.

El DeBarge, one of my favorite R&B artists, has a song called "The Other Side."  I really love this song because it's so hauntingly beautiful and honest. This song has a sadness that also pulls you into, what feel like, madness of the not happy side of love.

I am pretty certain that I am not the only person in this world that has experienced the other side.  It's the two sides of the same coin we are dealing with when it comes to love.

For romantic love, you will hurt and I do believe that you wouldn't hurt so much if you didn't pour your heart into loving someone. We want perfect love and because everyone interpretation of "perfect love" varies, we will never attain that which we chase so we learn to compromise but I believe that there is the point where compromise and self destruction meet. Since there is no perfect human love we itemize the things we can deal with and the things that are deal breakers when it comes to relationships.  Funny thing is the more you love someone, the more the deal breakers diminish but at some point you look at how disproportionated your itemized list is and you may ask yourself "Where am I?" 

We lose ourselves when we love someone so much that the only justification for staying or continuing to love is "we are human".  Well, in our humanity, we are flawed and when in love our flaws are magnified. Where do you think most to all of the arguments in relationships originate from? A pointed out or acknowledged flaw or disagreement. A disagreement is not only a difference of opinion but one party basically feeling that the other party is flawed in their judgment or frame of thinking.

WE ARE NOT PERFECT! Other than God, there is not other perfect love.

Humanity has the capacity to save you or destroy that which defines it; YOU, ME. US. We are ever growing in what we think, feel and how we handle life. Love will never cease as long as we remain human. As wonderful as love can be, it can be equally debilitating to one's own heart.  Some people think that heartbreak or ache is just emotion or psychological. When your heart breaks, something very real breaks in you and you can even feel it physically. Heartache is a real feeling that can make you lose your break or pass out, throw up, get headaches and many other things. For some people, the other side comes much too often and they can't fathom a good love; just the other side.

The Weight of the World

There are moments when you find yourself in a place of seclusion. In this place you find that every thought you think has about 5 more thought tacked onto that thought. These overwhelming thoughts snowball out of control until you can't see a solution for any particular problem but you see a blog where no matter what direction you attempt to tackle first, seeking a resolution, you still tend to  buckle, stop and ask yourself "What am I doing?"

Well, in all that could go wrong and may go wrong in my life, I try not to wait until the weight of life overwhelms me to get my bearings or to get clarity on what I am trying to do.  You have to take time for yourself, daily. May not be hours of time to sit and think about your next steps in a general sense but you can take 5 minutes to say "Okay, where am I and what's next?"

For example, bills

• What bills do I have?
• What is my priority?
• What can I pay now?

Don't look at everything and say I can't pay all this now and start to worry. Know in advance, 'Bite sizes" and you will feel like you are moving forward instead of sitting in a pile of "I can't" and letting it eat you up.

Every aspect of our lives has the capacity to overwhelm us and sometimes it's unavoidable but worry is just panicking about something that may not even happen or something that is beyond your capabilities to handle. Unless you are apart of the 1% of people who are so wealthy that most days they don't have a care about money, you will have issues with money and that alone is stressful but you have to know that good and bad times fluctuate so find so acknowledge when something is beyond your ability and let it go or turn it over to someone who can help you. Even if someone doesn't pour millions of dollars into your hands, they can get you through the emotional, psychological and mental struggles that will help you deal.

You know, the thing about loving yourself is that when you do, you don't want worry for yourself just as you wouldn't want someone else you love to worry. Care about yourself just as you would care about someone you really love. There is nothing wrong with that.  God loves us more than enough and knowing that He cares should make you want to care more about what he cares for.  That's my blah blah blah for the day. Until next time, loved ones, learn something new today and if you don't at least teach someone else something new.

Love