WHOA NELLY!!!!

DC was hit with a fast and furious storm today. Some thought it was tornadoes while others described it as hurricane force winds. All I know is I had to run out the house to grab my clothes off the line and it looked treacherous. The clouds came so fast and the winds were so strong. I hope none of my  underwear are in anyone else's yard. lol.

My prayers and heart does go out to the two people who died in this weather today. It's hard to deal with but you just never ever know what's going to happen. I look at today as an example of my life in general. No matter how good things look, there may be a storm headed your way and when it hits you aren't quite sure what to do but you know you have to react. You don't know how long it'll be but  you pray so that you make it past the storm. my heart was beating faster when I went outside because I thought, "what if we're out here and a tornado comes from the other side of the trees?" Only God knows what the storms in your life will bring and all we can do is try to be prepared and weather the storms. After the storm, the sun started to shine and it almost appeared as if there was no storm but it left behind evidence of its existence. Trees down, power lines down, thousands of people without power and a few deaths from trees falling on a car and one on a little boy walking to a pool to swim with his family.

The last few weeks have been a storm for me but I'm here. The evidence of the storm is a broken heart, hurt feelings and confusion but I'm thankful because my power hasn't gone out and I wasn't killed by falling trees. I may have been, figuratively, hit by a one but I'm here. I'm still here to see another day and find another love. Dare I say that I'm excited about my future? I dare.  I'm ready. One moment I feel like if I could just reach back in time to change things the now could be different but I'm seeing things now that I couldn't see because I wanted so much for things to be different. I'm not the same woman and I'm okay with that. I'll never be the same and I think I'm okay with that also. I'm recovering from my sadness much faster now. I'm happy about that. We all have to live life the way we feel will best compliment us and the things we want to accomplish and it doesn't matter if someone else feels they are perfect for you. What matters is that you work to find what (and who) you want. I have absolutely not idea what the future will hold for me but I'm going to live. I wish everyone the best in finding the things and people who will help you be all that you desire to be.

OMG! OMG! OOOOOH....EMMMMM. GEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!! HELL ON EARTH!

Heard a joke the other day. Wanna hear it? Here it goes:

Hey fam! it's so hot outside,

HOW HOT IS IT?

THE DEVIL WENT HOME TO COOL OFF!

(badum bump)

LOL...okay. Fam, this heat is CAAAARAAAAAAAZY!  I made plans to be out all day today but I have a fear that if I leave the house, my shoes will melt and my feet will fuse with the ground; leaving me to be stuck in one spot to bake and burn and shrivel up like a peace of meat in a frying pan. Sports fans, THAT is not my idea of a good time.  You know how hazy it gets outside when it's hot? How the hell is it going to be that hot that the atmopsphere inside has the same effect? SHEESH!!!  My goodness!  Well I just had my morning popsickle. lol. Another one awaits. I think I'm going to make some icesickles. just put water in my popsickle container and suck on those later. Heck, anything would help.

My concern is the people who cannot come in from the heat. I really hope they can get to one of the cooling centers in and around DC. It's suppose to feel almost 110 degrees today in DC. I guess that's what's hot in the streets right not. That's what's hood?  Well, it's about 10:15am now and it's already about 95 degrees. Have mercy on me Lord. I'm going to get me some water and start my journey. If I never made it back, tell my babies I love them. That would be my camera, my music, my journals...you know. the regular.

Other than the heat, WHICH IS QUITE DREADFUL, I am okay today. Had a few bumps but I'm back. Loving life. I was working on my new schedule. I'm positioning myself so I can do more photography work to help towards my "TARA'S GETTING OUT OF DODGE" fund. That includes a car and an apartment that may or may not be in DC. I have a gig on August 4th for some head shots. I think I do pretty well with head shots so this shouldn't be too bad. I'll be back in the gym on Monday. YAY! 6:30 am Sharp! Oh man! That reminds me. Gotta go get a gym bag and some other gymie things. lol. LATER TATERS!!!!

Good Night

I guess my feelings are unstable right now. I was fine today but there was something hanging over me. Something deep inside of me wanting to scream but I can't because those desperate screams will fall on deaf ears. I know these kinds of feelings, at this point, will come and go. Joy, laughter and happiness will continue to surface but what I'm feeling now feels so bad. I'm not really crying but it feels like I'm on the threshold of crying and if I actually cross it, it will not turn out well so I have to try and pull myself out of it. I'm very tired and I'm going to bed soon. I think I'm mentally exhausted from all the planning I've been doing  the last few days. It's like the more I try to occupy my time and thoughts so I won't think about how I really feel, the more my heart sinks inside. I just need time.

It's been almost two weeks I since Jason broke up with me and I was much better this week but I miss him today and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. Funny thing is I have been better and trying not to think of him but it's not easy when your head and heart are at war. One wants the other to let go and the other is trying but it's hard.  I had it planned in my mind, all the things I would say to him; all encouraging; all loving and all wishing him well but I don't think I can even do that at this point in time. There's no going back. There's no point of return. All the rules of the game, we designed together, have changed and I won't clutch the old instructions to my chest like a dying woman's last grasp of a favorite childhood trinket. I opened my hands and it has been released but the one little part that is too stubborn to realize its own freedom stands near enough for me to feel it and take notice, if only for a little while. There is no anger in my heart for him. I want to make him believe one thing but he has already convinced himself of another. I'm sure his friends tell him he's made a good decision if he feels that way the same way my friends say it's good this happened now and that I deserve better. Maybe we were what each other deserved or maybe we should have never reconnected. Not sure how I feel about that now so I'm going to bid  you all a good night.

Okay, Okay, Okay!

Well, for the past week I've been writing sappy love stuff about breaking up and not understanding it and I'll be okay. Well, I'm okay so now I'm shifting my view to see my short and long term goals and dang it, I'm sticking to them. This week has been an interesting one because I have seen so many things that I need to do for myself so that I can be as happy as I can. Granted I'm a happy person and yes, I am a firm believer that some things, if they are on your goal list, can make you happy. that is if you're a happy person anyway. So here's my 2010-2011 list.

• FOCUS ON MY HEALTH - I can't do any of these things unless I'm healthy enough to do them so my main focus has been my health and losing weight. If I stay motivated and stay on this course I'll meet my goals within a year. THAT WOULD BE AWESOME!!!!

• GET BACK IN MY OWN APARTMENT- this living at home is driving me crazy!!!

• TRANSITION TO MY CHOSEN CAREER FIELD OR AT LEAST BE IN A POSITION WHERE I'm DOING IT MORE - that would be audio engineering and/or music performance and production.

• GET A FREAKIN' CAR!!!! - I feel that many of my goals haven't been fulfilled because I'm not mobile enough. There's only so much public transportation can do but that leads to my next goal...

• ENVELOPE MYSELF IN A CREATIVE ENVIRONMENTS - I believe this will shake those nerves I have about sharing my gifts with the world. I want to use them before they are lost but I have to have a way to get to where I need to be.

• TRAVEL MORE! - I'm planning a trip to Greece next year and I also plan to travel more in the states. I want to see places I have only thought of going and nothing is stopping me now so AWAAAAAAAAY WE GO! First stop, NY. Then ATL, St. Louis, LA, New England, Texas; just to name a few. I'm trying to get to these places this year. NY is already planned. ATL, all I have to do is make a phone call and the others aren't far behind.

• EXPERIENCE PEOPLE - I have always been apprehensive about talking to people although I'm quite chatty when I want to be so I'm opening up more. For example, I was at a concert tonight and saw the audio engineer, who came and sat right next to me, operating the sound from a digital sound board. It was a remote but it did the same functions as if he were sitting behind the boards and we started talking. I told him about me and he encouraged me to get back into my engineering. I just had the same conversation with my friend, Dawn. She said 'Please come back to the church sound ministry. They need you."  Then I guess I know where I'll be on Sundays. (^_^)

So you see boys and girls, I should have some a lot to blog about in the coming year so please excuse me. I have to go and learn this song I wanna sing at the open mic on Friday. My journey has begun. I'm loving being me right now. Later Taters!!!

More than okay.

LOVE IS STILL HERE; it just shifted a little. I refuse to be a person who will let a bad experience cripple my ability to love others. The truth is some of us love the wrong people and sometimes we love the right people but at the wrong time. Not that they don't deserve love but we put so much energy on a rouse created by a moment where the feelings may actually be deceptive. But can these feelings actually be real for both parties or are they based on the conditions of the moment?

I was just listening to Mario's song "I Miss My Friend" and after the first verse I changed songs because more than anything, I miss my friend. I can take the romantic love being lost or no longer desired but when you know you had a friendship that was tighter than most it leaves you at a real loss. No matter how other people may view your experience, no one will view it as complete as the people involved in the relationship. I haven't talked to him in a few days and it's so strange. Yesterday it took everything in me not to just text him "Hi". I know I can't because we both have to get over the initial brunt of this ended relationship. I know I have friends and family who would call me stupid or won't understand that I do want to be connected to him in some way. I don't want a romantic relationship at this point because I really need a stronger person who's willing to fight for me in a relationship and when we begin to see tense moments will stop to see why the tension is there instead of say "I just can't do this anymore."

I need a man who is willing stand up to the other people in his life who openly attempt to manipulate him. I can see it and others can see it but until he sees it, the manipulation will continue. I need someone who will be mature enough to know that childish games, at some point, have to end. I don't mean enjoying things  like laughing, cartoons, or things that make us enjoy our lives but the way we treat people; the types of relationships we hold and the sifting of the people in your life who may or may not mean well for you. To hold on to people whose characters are lacking maturity, wisdom and understanding towards others, to me, is just as bad as if you possess those characteristics yourself.

I guess more than anything I want to say that I'm more than okay. Now, I have to admit, at first I was just confused and hurt but I was contacted by someone and that left me PISSED OFF! LOL. I think I needed to get mad to really let go but I've had time to think and I'll continue to think but my thoughts have been of where to go next, not why the past didn't work out. This morning I was trying to remember my last real kiss with him and I guess with old age comes the ability to forget things easier. lol. I do remember it but it feels like it's fading because the relationship ended like it did. I'm having flashes of how we use to laugh and joke around and have our serious discussions. I was trying to search my memories to find a disingenuous expression or an indication that he was not who I thought. At this time, I'm not going to search anymore. I'm not going to wonder. I'm not going to try to recapture a fond feeling of our last anything. I am actually happy although there are moments of sadness, my happiness has always been deeply embedded so that if I go through something the sadness is absorbed and replaced with good energy. Family, I am happy. Do I miss him? Of course I do but my life will be fine. I guess my prayer is that his life will be fine also.

Hail Storm of Emotions

Over the last 7 days, I have gone through almost any and every emotion I can think of. I've felt love, hate, disappointment, disgust, hope, contentment, sadness, irritation, doubt, blinding anger, fear, calm, and the list still goes on. I am understanding that in all those feelings and emotions you have to let go of what is designed to kill you and your spirit and hold on tight to those that will see you through the trials that have you emotionally bound. I was fine today and ready to move on and one act of someone so vile tried to disrupt my peace. It's rumbled in my stomach for a while and I started to get a headache but I had to stop and say, "I'm better than this. I'm stronger than this. I will be blessed so crazy like, no one will understand why favor is falling on me like this." 

I still feel disappointment and hurt but it is subsiding and I'll be alright. I am alright. I still have love in me and this experience hasn't changed my position on loving other. Take care loved ones.

Stay TRU

Treading Painful Steps

A nimbus surrounds me as if I was frozen in time and space

difficult to move at the thought of a sacrificial action of a weary revelation

Haunted by my own longing to release the unwanted

to discard and be discarded; they converse about trade secrets of the unknowing cast

As I dangle on the last bit of string from a rope that was strong enough to carry two, the last one is left to fall

As I hit the pavement, do I stay there or stand and keep running?

My weary and battered feet begin...

Copyright 2010 Tru Essence