BIPOLAR LOVE PERSPECTIVE

Life's Love Lesson #907389 

Bipolar Love Perspective

So I confess that I'm rather bipolar when it comes to love. I love and hate the idea of it. The confession of wanting love and needing love often is overshadowed by the feelings of resentment of having opening loved in the past. I want to shut love off but keep the tap open in case I should find myself in a position to embrace someone who truly loves me. SMH.

I don't want to dismiss the possibilities of encountering that unexpected love source while at the same time not looking and trying to avoid love like the plague. It's pretty terrible though I'm pretty happy at the same time. Even though you may long for a love you also can celebrate the lack of drama and worry that comes with relationship/love anxiety. For now, I have no worries about if someone loves me enough. I'm working on loving myself. It's pretty awesome.

Currently, the time I would normally take thinking of, talking about, or enacting my own perception of the perfect love, I am working on business opportunities that I had to force myself to accept because of the doubt I had about myself. Now, my confidence is greater because I realize how talented I really am. Still apprehensive sometimes but I am actively building up my confidence, my knowledge and my brand. I have a new group of clients that will be depending on me heavily in the coming months and I'm excited.

I'm excited because I get to be creative in my own projects but with my new clients, I get to put on my management hat again. Setting up my business, my clients' business will bring more clients in the next year. I have such a vast set of skills I'm trying to cultivate and though it may seem selfish, right now is he perfect time for me to dive into myself to work, enjoy life and be my own best friend. Could I do all of this while maintaining a relationship? Of course but for now I need tunnel vision. Relationships involve other people and that can yield unpredictable drama that I just don't have time for. As I grow older, I'm more forward with my thoughts and perspectives. This will lead me to being more confrontation than I have been in the past so for now, I need to be focused on business. It's pretty great.

The few interests I've had this year have been great but since I'm not chasing anyone (which is a huge mistake for us (women) many times in the first place) I have been able to focus on myself and my goals. I told my friend the other day that I don't trust people so it's easier for me, now , to let go of people. I know. I know. I'm not bitter. I just simply don't believed the words that come out of people's mouths so I don't hold on to many things that could potentially hurt my feelings later. lol. Crazy, right? For now, that's how I rationalize things.

Wait. What was I talking about again?

Oh, Bipolar Perspective on Love.

Anyway, Love is alright, if you truly have it. If you do, don't fuck it up. If you don't, hold on. It'll come but in the meantime, LIVE LIFE FULLY!

As for me, I'm still seeking that supernatural love.

Loving this group here. King. Awesome! I want to be like Paris. She's the producer and musician. #CAREERGOALS

"MR. CHAMELEON"

"HEY"

"THE STORY"
This is my real goal. Peace out!!!!

WHY DO WE, HOW DO WE, WHY WON'T WE TRULY LOVE?

How does one measure love? We all have different standards by which we quantify love. How effective are our measures and are the findings true or are they fabricated to convince us that our efforts to create or find perfected love is not in vain.

Turns out that I simply don't care anymore.


Well, maybe I shouldn't say anymore but for now.

The lesson learned about love is sometimes that we feel certain ways about it but allow how we feel to override what you know and that can be dangerous.  Sometimes we want to override knowledge to satisfy our momentary thirsts, desires, bitterness, detachment or whatever you battle with. For now, I'm laying down my battle gear and crawling under the covers and letting the rest of the world figure out what love is, isn't, should be or shouldn't be. It's strange to know that one day you can feel so much about how wonderful love is and could be and the next day a hardening has happened to the places that were once soft and pliable; always ready to accept and embrace whatever love meant to you.

I don't think it's a broken heart more than a revelation of how humans operate under the guise and the knowledge of how love works or how other people love that has halted my desire to love and be loved. I don't think that desire ever really goes away no matter how you try to convince yourself that you are protecting your heart. My personal issue is (and I don't mind sharing it with you) I just don't believe people anymore. The bad part is you could actually be telling me the truth and I just won't believe you. I'm not bitter about it. I just don't care to plead a case why I do or don't believe anyone. Show me and you will convince me. Tell me and I'm still not sold.

Some people manufacture love based on what they need to get from the other person. The word "LOVE", in my opinion, is vastly overused and misused. I don't mean to sound bitter or anything because I'm really not. I'm actually happy for the most part. My woes are more about my purpose and place in this world, not with a man so I'm good.

I'm all for talking it out and expressing feeling but when you have done that so many times and is basically transparent and things still blow up in your face you kinda want to just go lie down. lol.
Let the rest of the world deal with the issues.

You can't escape your issues but for now, you can just take a breather and rest.

Love will be there, somewhere, when you're ready but I'm going to crawl under my covers and rest.

Round And Round We Go...

It's been a while since I have sat down and just written new poems and short stories but sometimes an energy hits you and you speak a sentence aloud to yourself then you know you are ready to start writing again. That happened to me this morning as I was listening to a song called "Ghost" by Lianne La Havas. I have been talking a LOT about her lately but that's because I love her music and think she is exceptionally beautiful and talented but this post isn't about Lianne. She's pretty great though!

This new piece is called Prints of the Past. It isn't extremely long but it was a steady flow from the first sentence to the last word. That's how I like to write. Organic. Not forced. It feels like a messages meant just for me; an internal lecture to my thoughts and emotions. Okay, Blah Blah. Here's the poem. lol

Prints of the Past

Poems written about haunting cloudy days
Turn into clichéd expressions of the same emotional rhetoric that seems to recycle itself within our emotional consciousness
The same bullshit that makes us wait for a love that may never arrive
The kind of soul sucking advertisement promoting an idealistic view of how we should feel
Of how we should deal
Of how we should heal

But the ghosts of the loves lost, left behind and hidden from our view
Are never changing
But we are ever rearranging the same words trying to find different ideas
Different meanings
That will comfort the hearts and minds of the lost
Of the left behind
Of the misguided
It touched me, the ghost of who I once was,
And it was traveling with the ghost of what I once felt for you and what you confessed you felt for me

I was certain I was trapped in a dream of tortured circumstances but I felt, too strongly, the presence of energies all speaking in unison
Speaking to me as if I were one of them
As if I were saved from my sins
As if I were born again
And I was frozen
Hoping the only thing that could melt away the bitterness stored would be staring at me when I turned around
Foggy images of you and I passed my eyes as I turned hoping you would be there but I had to blink to focus

My eyes opened to see only our ghosts walking away together
As I stood alone.

Check out the song I was listening to when the first line of this poem came to be. 

The Slow Drive

Hoping all is well in everyone's world tonight. Realistically,  I know we all are going through  something so I wish you all better days and peaceful nights. :)

This weekend my body was halted by pretty intense pain but in order to not completely fall apart, I willed my body to override the pain to go out. I couldn't workout but I was able to drive around so I decided I'd spend the day going out and enjoying my city as much as I can with my comfort level. I was sidetracked when a little baby showed up at my house and I spent a few hours Loving on him and his little fat cheeks. He is about 6weeks old and already standing and trying to take steps. WHAT THA???? LOL. Well I held him up and he was standing then took steps toward me while I supported him. REALLY? 6 WEEKS and trying to take steps? These babies. Smh lol

Anyway, I am often traveling and moving through the city alone. At one time I had a boyfriend I'd hang out with but over time it was back to just me. I think people assume that because I don't mind being alone (sometimes) that I don't want friends. The friends I have (or think I have) though very fee, I love dearly and would love hanging out but we don't.  Many times that leaves me a bit lonely. People are afraid to say they are lonely because it comes with the perception of desperation but that's not so. Being alone doesn't necessarily equate to loneliness but many times  the lonely are physically alone and sometimes they are in a room full of people and still feel lonely.

Anywho, in my effort to not be lonely, I invited a friend to hang out and like the story of my life, I was told I'd receive a call but it never came so plan B is now in play.

"Go at it alone!"

My teenage nephew decided he'd roll with me so we drove out to VA to the movies. It was fun hanging out, missing exits and talking music with him. So I wasn't alone but after I dropped him off at home at midnight I wasn't ready to go home to the actual loneliness waiting behind my bedroom door with a smirk of contention.

I kept driving until I ended up downtown. With the Washington Monument as my backdrop. I decided to just drive around DC for a while. I didn't have a particular destination in mind but I knew I didn't want to go home. The only thing waiting at home was emptiness, discomfort, loneliness and uncertainty of where my future is going. So I drove. I drove from one section of the National Mall where it was quiet and only the motion of the changing street lights kept the pace of the midnight hours; a direct contrast to the crowded overrun  DC streets in the daytime. Then I drove to the part of the city that's still lively with club goers enjoying the DC nightlife. I saw groups of friends laughing and walking to and from restaurants and clubs in downtown and I thought to myself

"What makes them so different from me?"

 Even though I will never know the answer to that question, for just a second it was a question that I needed to know the answer to but now I'm not that interested in what the answer would be or who would have the answer to that question. So I drove. I listened to the radio which basically consisted of top 40 popular hip hop songs being played live from a not so far away club in the city with the DJ calling out the Leo's to celebrate their birthday season. Yeah, I had to shift gears and play the slow jams for my ride. Tyrese singing "Shame" on my drive? Sweet.

With the streets virtually clear of traffic near the monument I headed in that direction away from the busier sections downtown. I thought about what I loved about the city and why I wanted to go away so badly. One question always seems to follow me and I don't want to feel bad for myself but I ask why am I always alone? For the most part I'm a pretty cool person which confuses me when people would rather hang out with confrontational assholes but maybe I'm just boring. Maybe I'm not enough. Maybe I'm too much. Maybe I'm not good enough. Maybe forgettable.

I realize then I'm not only single in relation to not being in a relationship with a love interest but I am single in the sense that every aspect of my life right now is populated only by me. I did not plan it this way. I did not want it this way. Somewhere there is someone who can't wait to be my friend and spend time with me but for now that's what I have to do for myself and I don't really mind because I like me.

Oh, this wasn't meant to be sad. Lol. Just sharing. Hopefully someone will see this and see that they aren't the only one who goes through lonely times. Things will get better. For now journey on your own and get to know and love yourself even more.

Tonight my tears fell. They didn't trickle  down my cheek like the dramatic crying of the heroine in the movies who has just come to term with her feelings. This was an outpouring of knowing you can never go back to who you thought you once were.

I feel discarded like rubbish. Unwanted. My choice, though the right choice, has caused me both panic and at times, relief.  Nothing.

I love completely so what is a heart and soul left to do when love and trust is stripped from your grasp.

I'm listening to Peabo Bryson'so "Can you stop the rain?" Fitting for how I'm feeling.

Everyday Luxury...Coming Soon!

Can I just say, I love to cook. I do. So much, in fact that I've started yet another blog for lifestyle and entertainment which features many new dishes I'm trying to continue my healthy lifestyle change. I guess it's not so much a change as it is a renewed dedication to it. My goals over the next year includes traveling more and talking to many people in the culinary and style world who can give my readers insight on new trends in style, dining and living an overall lovely life without having to be super rich or slightly rich or anywhere near the place of rich. lol.

Check out my blogs: Live via Food and coming soon, TTRUENT Simply Beautiful Style.

My belief is that you can create your own oasis in the center of a chaotic world. The difference is you. You can live in the worst neighborhood in your city but when you walk into your home and close your door, what's inside is all dependent upon what you want to feel in your own home. If you want peace, create a peaceful environment that can help you relieve the stresses of the other parts of your life. Cook the food that will feed and nourish your body and surround yourself with things and information that strengthens your mind and spirit. Decorate your space with things that bring you joy just to look at and in return allow you to breathe a breath of relief from whatever chaos is waiting for you on the outside. You may be surprised at the impact your your living space, the food you eat and the tone you set for your home have for your peace of mind. I hope to help someone establish a center of tranquility for your life force to thrive. It isn't realistic to think you will sit around all day with a big smile on your face and never be bothered by anything at all but just think if you channeled that stress into something beautiful around you, maybe you will not only conquer your stressful days but also be a vehicle for others to see peace.


THE WORLD IS IN CHAOS.  YOUR PRIVATE WORLD DOESN'T HAVE TO BE.

I wish you well loved ones!

Ciao!

Bigger Than I

Ever so often,  we come across challenges that strike us so fiercely that it's difficult to envision a moment after; the view of the silver lining or the "just beyond the horizon" moment. Our thoughts and emotions are so saturated with the "now" moment that we forget there was once a "before now" moment that was just as soul shaking as this moment but somehow,  you made it.

I have gone through so much in my life but I am sure not nearly as much as some others but for me, my journey has been a difficult one. I have been discarded by many and even by some I thought would never do so. Life is not shocking to me anymore.  Still disappointing sometimes but I'm not the least bit surprised at what people do. These disappointing moments can leave you feeling a bit jaded and unwilling to open yourself up to the goodness that is love. My outlook on romantic love has been severely altered over the last few years but sometimes you need something or someone to cause you to reset your outlook.

This past Saturday, my world was shifted by someone who wasn't honest about loving and wanting me. I wasn't sad. I was surprisingly calm before I got mad but the anger subsided quickly because I walked in my house and my mother was sitting on the love seat with this little one week old baby in her arms. He was my new nephew Ryan and it was the very first time I have seen him in person. I looked at him while he slept and so many things went through my mind.

I had to gather my thoughts as I had just gone through a disturbing and angering revelation. I went into my room, notified the person that our relationship was done like over cooked chicken and I sat still for a few moments when I heard a knock on my door. My mother brought Ryan to me and I held this little bundle for the first time.

I looked at him and all I could say was, "Hi Bunky."

I couldn't take my eyes off of him because the goodness of the moment would dissipate into a memory and I didn't want that to happen. My whole last 5 years just dissipated moments before I held this beautifully calm sleeping baby in my arms.  I sat there staring at him. He moved a little then attempted to open his eyes to see who had next in the Hold The New Baby game. He peeked and closed his eyes and continued sleeping.  I hummed a little, still staring and thinking of all the sadness I had inside because nothing would be the same, Ryan smiled. I hummed a little more and he smiled again. I needed to see him at that exact moment. I needed the genuine smile of someone who knows nothing of hate, lies, cheating, deception, rasism, abandonment,  chaos, anger, fear, or doubt.  I needed someone who won't break a promise, cause panic in my soul or lead me to mistrust people more that I already do. I needed someone who accepted me and needed me just for that moment. I needed to hug my nephew because there was no one else safe to hug.

I could hug my other two nephews but they always want money and my niece but she always wants gum. Lol

I watched Ryan and I was okay for that moment in time and realized that there is a force way bigger than I navigating this journey. He knows when to give me directions, instructions and assistance.  He knew this day would bring me to a point of mistrust for people but in my arms was a little boy that the world has not influenced yet. That is happiness. Holding someone for the first time. You never know when your last embrace with someone you loved will be but there is perfection in the first embrace that stays with you.

I didn't kiss him that day but next time I'll hold him longer and hopefully get to see his eyes.  Until I find my last first kiss, Ryan's perfect little cheek will be it for now.

Though I confess to being shattered right now, I know the mender of broken hearts so I'll be just fine.