This weekend my body was halted by pretty intense pain but in order to not completely fall apart, I willed my body to override the pain to go out. I couldn't workout but I was able to drive around so I decided I'd spend the day going out and enjoying my city as much as I can with my comfort level. I was sidetracked when a little baby showed up at my house and I spent a few hours Loving on him and his little fat cheeks. He is about 6weeks old and already standing and trying to take steps. WHAT THA???? LOL. Well I held him up and he was standing then took steps toward me while I supported him. REALLY? 6 WEEKS and trying to take steps? These babies. Smh lol
Anyway, I am often traveling and moving through the city alone. At one time I had a boyfriend I'd hang out with but over time it was back to just me. I think people assume that because I don't mind being alone (sometimes) that I don't want friends. The friends I have (or think I have) though very fee, I love dearly and would love hanging out but we don't. Many times that leaves me a bit lonely. People are afraid to say they are lonely because it comes with the perception of desperation but that's not so. Being alone doesn't necessarily equate to loneliness but many times the lonely are physically alone and sometimes they are in a room full of people and still feel lonely.
Anywho, in my effort to not be lonely, I invited a friend to hang out and like the story of my life, I was told I'd receive a call but it never came so plan B is now in play.
"Go at it alone!"
My teenage nephew decided he'd roll with me so we drove out to VA to the movies. It was fun hanging out, missing exits and talking music with him. So I wasn't alone but after I dropped him off at home at midnight I wasn't ready to go home to the actual loneliness waiting behind my bedroom door with a smirk of contention.
I kept driving until I ended up downtown. With the Washington Monument as my backdrop. I decided to just drive around DC for a while. I didn't have a particular destination in mind but I knew I didn't want to go home. The only thing waiting at home was emptiness, discomfort, loneliness and uncertainty of where my future is going. So I drove. I drove from one section of the National Mall where it was quiet and only the motion of the changing street lights kept the pace of the midnight hours; a direct contrast to the crowded overrun DC streets in the daytime. Then I drove to the part of the city that's still lively with club goers enjoying the DC nightlife. I saw groups of friends laughing and walking to and from restaurants and clubs in downtown and I thought to myself
"What makes them so different from me?"
Even though I will never know the answer to that question, for just a second it was a question that I needed to know the answer to but now I'm not that interested in what the answer would be or who would have the answer to that question. So I drove. I listened to the radio which basically consisted of top 40 popular hip hop songs being played live from a not so far away club in the city with the DJ calling out the Leo's to celebrate their birthday season. Yeah, I had to shift gears and play the slow jams for my ride. Tyrese singing "Shame" on my drive? Sweet.
With the streets virtually clear of traffic near the monument I headed in that direction away from the busier sections downtown. I thought about what I loved about the city and why I wanted to go away so badly. One question always seems to follow me and I don't want to feel bad for myself but I ask why am I always alone? For the most part I'm a pretty cool person which confuses me when people would rather hang out with confrontational assholes but maybe I'm just boring. Maybe I'm not enough. Maybe I'm too much. Maybe I'm not good enough. Maybe forgettable.
I realize then I'm not only single in relation to not being in a relationship with a love interest but I am single in the sense that every aspect of my life right now is populated only by me. I did not plan it this way. I did not want it this way. Somewhere there is someone who can't wait to be my friend and spend time with me but for now that's what I have to do for myself and I don't really mind because I like me.
Oh, this wasn't meant to be sad. Lol. Just sharing. Hopefully someone will see this and see that they aren't the only one who goes through lonely times. Things will get better. For now journey on your own and get to know and love yourself even more.
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