Bigger Than I

Ever so often,  we come across challenges that strike us so fiercely that it's difficult to envision a moment after; the view of the silver lining or the "just beyond the horizon" moment. Our thoughts and emotions are so saturated with the "now" moment that we forget there was once a "before now" moment that was just as soul shaking as this moment but somehow,  you made it.

I have gone through so much in my life but I am sure not nearly as much as some others but for me, my journey has been a difficult one. I have been discarded by many and even by some I thought would never do so. Life is not shocking to me anymore.  Still disappointing sometimes but I'm not the least bit surprised at what people do. These disappointing moments can leave you feeling a bit jaded and unwilling to open yourself up to the goodness that is love. My outlook on romantic love has been severely altered over the last few years but sometimes you need something or someone to cause you to reset your outlook.

This past Saturday, my world was shifted by someone who wasn't honest about loving and wanting me. I wasn't sad. I was surprisingly calm before I got mad but the anger subsided quickly because I walked in my house and my mother was sitting on the love seat with this little one week old baby in her arms. He was my new nephew Ryan and it was the very first time I have seen him in person. I looked at him while he slept and so many things went through my mind.

I had to gather my thoughts as I had just gone through a disturbing and angering revelation. I went into my room, notified the person that our relationship was done like over cooked chicken and I sat still for a few moments when I heard a knock on my door. My mother brought Ryan to me and I held this little bundle for the first time.

I looked at him and all I could say was, "Hi Bunky."

I couldn't take my eyes off of him because the goodness of the moment would dissipate into a memory and I didn't want that to happen. My whole last 5 years just dissipated moments before I held this beautifully calm sleeping baby in my arms.  I sat there staring at him. He moved a little then attempted to open his eyes to see who had next in the Hold The New Baby game. He peeked and closed his eyes and continued sleeping.  I hummed a little, still staring and thinking of all the sadness I had inside because nothing would be the same, Ryan smiled. I hummed a little more and he smiled again. I needed to see him at that exact moment. I needed the genuine smile of someone who knows nothing of hate, lies, cheating, deception, rasism, abandonment,  chaos, anger, fear, or doubt.  I needed someone who won't break a promise, cause panic in my soul or lead me to mistrust people more that I already do. I needed someone who accepted me and needed me just for that moment. I needed to hug my nephew because there was no one else safe to hug.

I could hug my other two nephews but they always want money and my niece but she always wants gum. Lol

I watched Ryan and I was okay for that moment in time and realized that there is a force way bigger than I navigating this journey. He knows when to give me directions, instructions and assistance.  He knew this day would bring me to a point of mistrust for people but in my arms was a little boy that the world has not influenced yet. That is happiness. Holding someone for the first time. You never know when your last embrace with someone you loved will be but there is perfection in the first embrace that stays with you.

I didn't kiss him that day but next time I'll hold him longer and hopefully get to see his eyes.  Until I find my last first kiss, Ryan's perfect little cheek will be it for now.

Though I confess to being shattered right now, I know the mender of broken hearts so I'll be just fine.