Time

Time. 

It's a silly little thing that expands and contracts, sometime seemingly simultaneously.  It's also an illusion and a tangible thing held by hands or flashing symbols reminding us of what we have wasted and what we don't have enough of. 

Time.

It moves backwards using memories, forward using hopes and dreams, but it never stands still.

Time can never be a permanent thing. 

Time can show us when we were loved, when we loved, when we lost, and opens a space of the hopes of recovering what was once a valued possession.  Time is the only honest thing we have and lose in one breath. 

History is becoming as each second passes. The future is never reached. Only the present arrives and leaves in one breath. 

A breath. 

If we are granted, generously, about 75 years of changing seasons, the only things that are truly shared in humanity is the breath and the heart beats of a moment; sometimes syncopated,  but present nonetheless. In a moment, a breath, if noticed, can tell everything about who you are, who you were, and a glimpse into who you could be. Who you are meant to be is an ongoing mystery that is a lifelong discovery.  

Who could you be? 

A moments leaves a lot of what ifs on the table. 

Time.

For some, a moment is enough to absorb every logical thought, rational decision, emotional reaction, every dream, doubt, fear, anticipation. A moment is overwhelming. In a moment you can feel certainty about your path and doubt about your decisions.  You can be glad to have loved and also wish you had never loved at all. The relief of heartbreak is indescribable to most but not to those who have settled into rejection like a warm plush blanket on a frosty winter evening. Hot cocoa anyone???

Time.

The asset/resource that can never be replenished. When it's gone, it's gone forever. Some say we live multiple lives and even then, one moment is not shared among them. Each stands alone. 

Some believe we are electric beings, comprised of the elements of the universe and when we depart from our physical form, our energy folds back into the universe, sometimes to return. My belief is aligned more with this theory. Maybe some call it heaven. Idk. I just hope my energy/spirit sees where my ashes travel to when I'm gone. Will my energy remember the love held, received, freely given, denied, and rejected or will all the things we wrestle with  dissipate never to be recalled? I wonder if we forget the pain as an added layer of protection which allows our souls to rest in peace. 

Only one way to know and time will take care of that when it is meant to. 

Who, what, or when was your truest love most known to you?

Has time allowed for healing or heald you hostage to a love that can never return to you? 

Time.

It isn't until it has zoomed by that you realize how fast 30 years can be. It isn't until you can say, "I remember when..." that you identify more with your reminiscent parents more than you ever had in your youth and young adult lives. I've been cursed by the word "legacy".  If regarding offspring, time has solidified that my legacy ends with me. No descendants.  That's not necessarily a bad or sad thing but it is a real thing. I'm not a mom. Will never be. I'm not a godmother. I'm an aunt without relationship to those I once cared for. I often wonder if I can remember when I chose this life. Did I choose this life? Am I a good friend? Have I ever been? 

I'm not a good friend. If I were, wouldnt I have some? Maybe. Maybe not. Time has shown me this subjective "truth" that tends to shift depending on the level of serotonin present. 

I'm just thinking aloud on a digital piece of paper. Idk

Time is to be revered but we treat it like we treat God. When we need it, it is all we can talk about but when we don't think of it, it is not considered a priority.  We're such foolish creatures. 

But back to time. 

Time. 

Does time really heal old wounds? Physically,  healing happens. Fully? Sometimes, no. This is also true with the heart wounds. We adjust life around the new version of who we become after heartbreak. It's like losing a loved one. We don't recover. We restructure. 

Admittedly,  I still hope time heals my heart. For all the breaking it experiences, I hope that it has endless restructuring plans. Complacency with rejection and heartbreak is never the goal but is it really that bad if it keeps you moving forward. 

🤷🏾‍♀️

(Forgive any typos.  I'm blind tonight and just needed to type with my thumbs.)

The "What ifs" of love.

The mistake many of us make is tying love to physical attraction, romance, and chemistry. I've been hearing a quote lately that says, "I do not choose love based on who you can have fun with, but who will stand with you when times are hard, when you are struggling, or at your lowest points." 

Granted, attraction is the draw that gets us to the point of wanting to know someone intimately (at least some times), but what next? Are you learning each other? Are you evolving together? Are you exploring the world together? Or are you relying on sex appeal to be the only thing that ties you together? Welp, news flash! Sex appeal can fade; not necessarily for everyone because (heh, heh, heh) Imma stay sexy even if it's in my own head. 

Shut up! 😒

Look, my chonky butt can be changed. Sex appeal is not always physical. That's my story, and I'm sticking to it. 

Again, shut up. 😑

What is also interesting is that family and friend relationships can also follow an "image alliance" mindset. I just made that up, but stay with me.  

Some people (me) examine relationships and how people treat others based on a myriad of factors. Looks, empathy, attraction, confidence, compatibility, chemistry; the list can go on and on. 

I am complex. I'm not saying I am uniquely complex or more complex than anyone else. Just...complex. 

Let's talk about love letters.

Remember when you liked someone so much, you wrote actual words on a piece of processed tree with your actual hands and held your breath with hungry and frightenin anticipation of their response. Or the random phone call because your friend's friend had their number and you worked up the nerve wracking courage to call them? 

Shooting your shot was much different in the late 80s and 90s. Even if you were terrified, you had at least one friend who pressured you to say something. Sometimes that "friend" was good intentioned, and sometimes, yeah, they wanted to set you up. I experienced the latter. Stupid teenagers. 

As a teen, young adult, and now an old lady (Yep! I'm claiming it.), I've tried to see into my future (hope and dreams...blah) to how my life could possibly turn out. Well, I'm in the future of my past and let me tell you, "life for me ain't been no crystal stairs", Howeveeeeeer, in retrospect, I realize the withered rickety wooden staircase I've climbed to carefully get here has been and continue to be a series of lessons I've never asked for but, at some point, become mandatory wisdom to navigate this great and sometimes bullshit existence.  Either way, I'm here. 

Recently,  I've examined my relationships (romantic,  platonic,  and familial) and the more I reminisce about my younger me (grown grown pre-adult) and how I envisioned my future, I've only ever seen me. Yeah, at some points I thought, hey maybe I'll find my person and we'll ride out this foolish timeline together but with love. That vision never really stuck for me. I look at how communication has played a part in how relationships develop and to tell the truth, what used to be felt in and through love letters just isn't  the same as it once was. Maybe we weren't mature enough to know that the letters on the pages of our youth were no comparison to the conditioning if our adulthood. Our lifetime has been conditioning. From the first "no" were are taught as a baby to the belief systems we are brought into, to the societal expectations that so many people believe they have to adhere to. From who to love, how to act, how we move; I often wonder do we really have free will or choices when our decisions are based on how we fit in with society? IDK but I'm learning that most of us that don't fit the mode society expects us to, are often single and actually okay with it. 

Here's the thing, SOME PEOPLE 🙋🏾‍♀️ would love to be in relationships,  however, we can take it or leave it. If we choose love with someone else, especially a cancerian such as myself, it can be amazing.  If I choose to leave it, oh, I can pamper and cater to my own needs, be self aware, tap into my spiritual energy and still be kind and in service to other who need true empathy and compassion. Whatever happens in my weird future, I'll be fine. All I know is that who ever is up next, I hope they write love letters. ❤️ 😏 No, not "WYD?" texts. Not "What you wearing?" texts. Not,"send me some pics of you playing with yourself." Because Im going to send pics  of my playing UNO by myslef with two hands. And not pics of 🍆s. I had a whole folder of the history of unsolicited 🍆 pics. No pretentious messages trying to prove you know everything. What you know will simply come out in conversations. Love Letters. 

Finding love is not just telling someone what they mean to you or what type of person you're looking for. You know, that checklist people have? 

Pause...

*It's not lost on me that everything I'm writing seems like a checklist. It's not. Just observations.  

...resume.

Love Letters are uninhibited expressions of affection (not always sexual. Clean yo mind!!!) What I mean by uninhibited is being so secure in your autonomy to choose who to love without consideration of what others will think or say; basically, no fear of judgements. I am acutely aware that with loving me come judgement. In my engagements, I've learned that being  convenient was the benefit. Love? As long as I don't fall in love. What I've learned, in my experience,  is that they (the guy of fell on any part of my timeline) never wanted me to fall in love, not really. They wanted access and an allowance of a time monopoly at their discretion. The lack of my desperation foiled their plans. 

Okay, wait. Back to love letters. Lol

Remember, if you will, the stories of soldiers in foreign wars, thousands of miles from home in a foxhole, fighting adversaries to their nation. All of that and they had pen and paper and wrote love letters to their "gals", wives and girlfriends back at home.

Bammas today can even text "Hey. Thinking about you." Literally 10 seconds.  

But I digress. 🙄😪

Love Letters are still cool. I'm GenX so yeah. They're still valued and as I think of potential future probably partners, I don't think I have no real hard-lined perspective.  These days are way more free flowing than before. 

OOOOOOOH! I did a Hint sketched soulmate thingies. 🤣🤣🤣 Wanna see him? Smh

Know this, a soul mate does not equate to a romantic love of your life or future love. Even if they aren't romantic, friends can write love or loving letter. We all wanna know someone somewhere love us with reciprocity. 

How are you loving and do you feel that love returned? 

That's it. Lmao that's all I got. 

~Stay TRU💋

It's there. You just buried it.

Go get your shovel. You have work to do.

(This is going to feel random but stick with me. 😉😉😉)

Okay, Let's say on average, we all get 75 summers, falls, winters, and springs. Reality dictates that there are too many variables  that could shorten or lengthen that time but for the sake of the blog, let's give us a solid 75 years. 

I am 52 (July) so that means I got about 23 cycles left. When you think of it that way, that's not a lot of time. What's interesting is that even with this knowledge of our finite timeline in this realm of existence, WE STILL WASTE TIME WITH BULLSHIT THAT DOESN'T MATTER. 

(okay, I'm composed...maybe)

I'm losing people and the truth of the matter is the longer you live, the more people you will have to say goodbye to. My dad is 86yo and he has seen his parents depart, all of his siblings he grew up with depart, life long friends and family, even his children's friends who have passes on that he considered his extra kids, he has said goodbye to so many people. People can look at it as a blessing of long life or the sadness of long life. Both are valid. 

This post, however, isn't necessarily about how long we may have left but what we do with the time we have left. Morbid convo? Not really but it can be sobering. No one wants to think about our exit from this life but it is an inevitability that no one who has ever been born will escape. I try to think of end of life as completing the mission I was sent here to complete. Granted, the mission will end no matter what we've accomplished or wish we could have done so at some point, regrets are useless and living to accommodate others is pretty ridiculous in the grand scope of life. I was thinking about a creative project I completed in 2021 with a friend and how much fun it was managing the process.  I want to do more of this but time is getting away from us and prioritizing projects, for me, has been tough but I hope to get better at not trying to do every thing all the time. The project we started is called HAPPY GOES THE DAY about a young professional, Magnolia, and her band of merry homies. Her sister Jaymes, and coworker Crissa are my favorite characters. lol I've written more scripts but the team needs to coordinate schedules and contracts to keep them going. That's just an example of one creative thing I want to do and not feel like I'm prioritizing it over something more important or something perceived to be more important. I get to determine what is priority and I'm starting to appreciate that more each day.  

Basically, the time I have left, however much that will be, needs to be spent doing what I love doing, helping others, creating, and enjoying expanding my creative energy. I really hope to connect with the team of creatives and innovators to make my nonprofit come to fruition. This has been an objective for me for many years but the thoughts about starting it have become more concentrated over the last decade. I realize that I have actually lived much of what I've dreamed about, thought how those dreams are manifested looks weird sometimes but... still. I dreamed and worked to get my BA degree without paying any more money out of pocket because I've paid so much over the decades. Well, that happened. Georgetown University, Class of '22. Started my masters but realized the program I was in was not my vibe. It wasn't a good fit but I was willing to keep going. After leaving an executive role at Georgetown and moving away, I needed a hiatus. How many people say "I just need to not work for a while but I can't just stop." Well, I did. Two years rest. Granted, I have coached and did some workshop facilitation after I left but I was able to sit on my deck, with a drink, a cigar, my dog by my side and watch the trees, listen to the birds, and at night, watch a sky full of starts I couldn't have seen in DC. 

I desire to tap into my creative self and become more engaged in the arts. I wanted to change my environment so that I can be creatively nourished after years of creative dehydration. Now, in September, I start my second masters program at the Savannah College of Art & Design (SCAD). The day after I enrolled last week, I took advantage of a watercolor and different medium technique workshop. It was awesome!!! Sometimes, even in challenging times, I have to reflect on where I am and ask myself, "Regardless of what it feels like, am I living inside of my dream or what I requested of the universe?" I must say "Yes!" It's tough but I wanted to leave DC. I'm out. I wanted to get some rest. Rested. I wanted to go back to a creative school and yep. I'm coaching, and finally starting my nonprofit for young creatives and innovators. It's been on my mind to head to Savannah before finishing my grad program at SCAD. I can go to the Atlanta campus but Savannah is calling me. We'll see. I know my nonprofit would benefit from the concentration of artists and creative innovators there. We'll see. 

Life is not always easy, fair, kind, or logical, but as long as life keeps lifing, we can make parts of it beautiful. 

I hope you're living inside of your dreams.

~Stay TRU💋

Artists & Innovators Leadership Project: Living a life of purpose and paying it forward

Go Fund Me for the journey to AILP

I’m always working even when it seems like I’m not, and I go underground for a while. Work is happening, and I'm making progress. Sometimes moving forward requires you to look back to see what could have been done better and to consider what we wish we'd done. You know. Those deferred dreams. But before I focus on making an impact in business, technology, or even education, I want to start with the human conditions that create the changes we desire to see in the world. I am making strides with the creation of my nonprofit organization, Artists & Innovators Leadership Program (AILP) (fundraiser link below), which creates programs that will foster support networks for young artists and future entrepreneurs. This takes a lot of time, energy, resources, and dedication. 

Love looks different sometimes

 by TRU Ess

When I collapse into myself

A savior isn't always the answer

Not always is it necessary to save me

I don't need them to say "It will be okay." 

Sometimes, love looks like their tears intermingling with mine

Sometimes, love doesn't need you to be strong

Sometimes, love needs to fall with the knowledge that I can get back up 

But this moment requires quiet stillness 

with the softness of a paired heart that may not understand completely 

but holds space for the weakness of the moment

love, sometimes, looks like the covering of brokenness 

without the need for reassembly to erase what brokenness looks like

Sometimes, love doesn't look like forcing things to fit

Sometimes, love looks like scattered pieces that, in the scattering, 

create an unfocused image of beauty

Sometimes, love has to look different when we are transforming how we understand ourselves in the world

Sometimes, love isn't a held hand

It's a closed door, and a shared seat by the window as the storm rages outside

Sometimes, love is a glance of understanding as debris flies by in chaos

Sometimes, love is shared in the messiness of who we are trying to become

And sometimes, love just looks different because we are no longer the same as we were

When love looked safe

Grief is not just about physical loss

Some of our most prolific insights come to us at the most random times. The topic of grief has been consistent for me the last few days so, yep. Imma write about it. 

I would have been...

(Typed with thumbs on a small screen by a pretty blind person. Smh) 

There are so many things we could have been. It only takes, what may have seemed like a small insignificant decision, to change the trajectory of one's life. It's like turning right and ending up in a ditch, or turning left and meeting the person you will fall in love with that changes your life forever. We could have been many things. Endless versions of ourselves exist if you believe that we live in varied parallel dimensions or timelines.

What's crazy is you can only evaluate what you could have been after you have taken those turns during your lifetime. Most people know that what you can be is a "hopeful unknown". What you could have been is a version of an unknown but depending on your talents, education, dedication, reasoning for your decisions, you can deduce that your life very possibly would have turned out differently or at least what you initially aimed for. Even if you eventually ended up in the same place you are now, the journey would have been different,  thus, creating lessons you may not otherwise have learned without those journeys. 

Okay.  That's the universal philosophical thought behind what or who we could have been. For me, I would have had a dope ass life. Lol. I do but just differently.  Where would I be now had I learned to play the piano at 4yo? What if I had the paint and easel when I got my satellite paint brushes in elementary school? What if I continued writing plays after I wrote and directed my first play in the 4th grade? Let's fast forward a little, shall we?

What if I said "yes", when my Jr High basketball coach asked me to try out for the team? What if I had an art portfolio when I auditioned for HS? What if I left home at 17 and went to NY to study fashion design? What if I finished the architecture program at VSU and went on to be an architect? What if I accepted the the Interior Design chief's invitation to join the ID program at VCU? What if I stayed in Richmond in 2001? What if I called my gramma more before she passed? What if I had gone to see my cousin when I planned to a month before he passed away? What If I didn't say yes to the temp employment company that I ended up working for from 2001 - 2011, afterwards surviving on temp work? 

What if I really were pregnant that one time? What kind of mom would I have been? The little booties I bought were super cute. I should have saved them. 

What if my cousin didn't text me that day?

What if no one knocked on my door after deciding life didn't want me anymore?

What if I stayed in DC? 

What if? 

What if? 

What if?

What if I let go of all the what-ifs?

The most authentic version of freedom. 

We will never EVER be able to go back and change those what-ifs. We have no clue what tomorrow holds. All we have, truly, is right now. I could have been a million possible variations of me, and still I can ot help but be thankful for this ole raggedy version of me. 😆 

After an interview this week, I experienced a rejection that I wasn't terribly upset about because one of the Board of Directors said, mid-interview, "You are wildly overqualified for this role." I replied, "I know." 😆  When the Executive Director broke the news, she said, "You can do anything with your credentials." Again, I know. 😆  She actually said they are working on another position in leadership, she thinks I'll be more suited for. Mmmhmmm😏😉. But what if I did get the role that minimized me? A choice. A "What if" situation, if you will. 

With my sensitivity that people view as a liability,  I see it as a gift. My ability to reason using data and logic, and not emotion, like people assume, is priceless. The way my heart continues to love so fiercely after it's shattering would justify a transition to coldness. The way my mind analyzes the world around me so I can decide how, when, and where to move. 

This is sort of a love letter to myself that I wished I'd have written so that my 14-year-old self could have held and read it. I would have told her from the beginning to trust herself and not depend on extrinsic motivation for her to succeed. I would have given her permission to live fearlessly. 

Every version of who I actually have been throughout history still resides inside of me, so I can tell her now, "You did a great job with what you knew about yourself in this world." 

I think she would like that.  51 TRU would like that, too. 

I'll ponder on that for a while. 

TOO

Some days, words come. 

Is it worth it?

 "I'd live this whole damn life all over again just to meet you once again."

~ Alex Isley

Grieving before grief

It's hard to describe to people how it feels to blindly grieve, knowing something is coming, and not knowing what that thing is that will justify your grief. There have been a few times in my life where my heart suddenly and heavily began to grieve a loss that I hadn't lost yet. I wrote recently that my mother was hospitalized. She was not doing well, and what I understand was happening with her was the increase in fear of dying with regrets. I understood her mindset at the time. It was strong, scary, and something she could not control. She was trying to make sense of her life choices, given her current limited options, in an attempt to reconcile a broken family. I get it. Maybe she thought she didn't have much time left and was panicking. Some people will live a lifetime not knowing how to be honest with themselves and afraid to be honest with others. I know she hoped that one day, magically, our family will fuse together and be what she hoped we would be; what we once was. 

While she was in the hospital, I sat on my deck during a morning medication and sorrow landing deep in my soul. I began to weep, heavily with deep sorrow. My soul was preparing me for something that I simply could never really prepare for. I didn't know why I was mourning but I knew the weeping was a heavy grief for someone. For a moment, I tried to reconcile that I was grieving the impending loss of my mother but I didn't quite believe that. I just knew it was a loss. 

I called my mother in the hospital on a Friday and she seemed more lucid with more energy. She sounded good. Laughing and clear thinking let me know she would be okay. I told her I loved her. She paused. I don't tell her I love her. Neither does she.  She was released the next day. Since I'm in GA, I was hundreds of miles away while she went through this. She asked me to come take care of her. This is a complicated request. I told her I would see what I could do. As I felt a bit of relief at her healing, my heart was not yet settled. 

The same day my mother was released from the hospital, 100 miles from her, in Richmond, VA, her sister Bertha became ill. The following Monday, she was admitted to the hospital. I didn't find out until that Thursday, when my cousin called to tell me she was debating having surgery. My aunt didn't want to have surgery, but the doctors and my cousins convinced her to go through with it. It was a hard situation because without the surgery, she was certain not to recover. With the surgery, there was a chance she would. She had the surgery. She was too weak. After the surgery, she was still so out of it that she could not communicate well; just quiet words that seemed random but I'm sure were not. My cousins called me and my sister and told us that the doctors said she was not doing well and she was not getting better. My sister and I told them we would drive up the next day. I really wish we'd left immediately. 

The following day, my sister and I hit the road from GA to VA, racing against a clock we couldn't see. My cousin called and told us they were going to remove her from the ventilator later that day. She kept texting us, "How far away are you???" We were too far away. We were about 90 minutes away, maybe less, when I received a message that my Auntie Bertha was gone. We didn't make it. I didn't make it. We drove in silence. I tried to be strong because I didn't want to break down while my sister was driving. After all, there was nothing we could do, and I needed my sister to be calm while she drove. Tears fall without your permission. Slow mournful streams fell, and all I could do was let them. 

When we finally arrived at the MVC Hospital in Richmond, we met my cousin at the elevator, and I just hugged her. What else could I do but hold a woman who just lost her second parent and the most important person in her life? As we walked down the hall to her room, I saw two of my male cousins standing outside her room, both of whom had lost their mothers in recent years. Embracing them was not just saying "Hello", and we are grieving a beautiful woman who passed today. The embrace was an acknowledgment of the impact of losing a mother, something I could only sympathize with but not sharing in what that truly means. When I walked into my aunt's room, one of my sisters and my other cousin, Bertha's other daughter, was inside. My cousin stood next to her mother, stroking her arm. She looked like she was sleeping. Her silver hair was pulled into a loose ponytail. It felt like she would wake up and sing my name the way she always did when she saw me. "Taaaaaaaaaraaaaa." She was a second mom. She cared about me. She asked about me. She only spoke sweetly to me. Her laughter echoes in me. Mother and Daughter relationships can be complicated, but there is something about the Auntie and Niece relationship that is unique and sometimes more grounding than any other relationship. 

I grieved her before losing her. I miss her. 

My sister and I stayed long enough for everyone to leave the hospital and go our separate ways for a while. We continued on to MD to see my parents for a few days. My mother wasn't doing well. She lost her little sister. Of 8 children, my mother and her two sisters are the only ones left. Of my dad's siblings, he is the only one left. I have both my parents and a broken family. My cousins don't have either parent and must be unified to get through this. What some people don't understand is that they have time and they don't have time. Nothing is guaranteed, especially more time. I have reconciled within my own heart that my family will never be whole again, but I understand that it never will be if there isn't a willingness to a transparent reconciliation. My aunt knew we were broken, and one of the only things she wanted for us was to heal. I don't know if that will ever happen, and that, alone, is something to grieve. I grieve it every single day. 

one day

One Day

Fear of Forever

SCAMMER ALERT! I'm not going to say I hate people but... they make it so hard not to.

 today feels like a writing day. a day to not monitor what is written, more than making sure what needs to be said is on the page. get the idea down on to ...well, not paper but monitor? I do journal with pen and paper, but today...clickity clicks will do. 

the state of the world is pulling at the energy levers of highly sensitive people like me. i don't complain. i grieve. i don't point the finger. i reflect on my own accountability in the timeline of my existence. i examine my fight, flight, and freeze responses because i experience them all, just as everyone else. as i fight the fear that causes me to take flight and to freeze, my awareness of the tangibility of my hearts fear or hesitation of trust in self and others; trust in ideologies and ethical philosophies birthed in selfish motives. truly, selfish motives are all we have since there seems to be no truly altruistic purpose in life. in philosophical studies, it's debated whether or not a good deed is truly altruistic if the act gives the doer of the deed any level of joy from it. even if you think you are selflessly giving to someone in need, the debate is by helping them, you feel joy in seeing them receive what they need. the joy itself takes the deed doer out of the running for true altruism. 

my decision then is to not seek to be altruistic. my goal is simply to absorb as much joy and pleasure from this finite lifetime and if that means wanting the joy from giving and doing what is good and right takes me out of the running for the "Altruistic Giver of the Year" award (no such thing btw), then i'm cool with that. i am not being reminded how quickly i can veer off topic because this post is not supposed to be about altruism. it's about the jacked up week i had and still I digress to share other thoughts. i survived the week so i press onward. 

Okay, so the second half of this blog post won't be as visually annoying. lol Did the lack of capitalization irritate you as much as it irritated me to write? Yeah, I get it. lol

Anywho, scammers be scamming, and we're all susceptible. This includes me. This week was hard because when you realize how wicked people are,  you don't trust anyone, and may I mention that I don't trust people anyway, so this week simply fortified my attitude regarding trust. It's not that there are people I don't trust. I guess I trust that humankind will always find a way to distort reality to serve their individual purposes.  I shouldn't but I expect deception, dishonesty, selfishness, deliberate distortion of goodness for nefarious purposes. So in these cases, there is a blanket distrust, and anyone can get it. Family, friends, etc. This isn't totally a "fuck the world" post. A little maybe, but not really. 

My journey came to a point where I wanted to trust others and didn't trust myself. First, this isn't self-hate because I'm dope af. This was what you know to be true, being distorted by a sick society surrounding what you're trying to keep safe: your mind, heart, spirit, and energy. The US is in a cluster fuck because of selfish hate-filled entitled racists. This didn't spring up this year. This was a decades-long plan that needed the right fool to come distract the masses as to what the others are maneuvering in the background.  Okay, let me tighten up the view. My ability to go panoramic allows me to veer off.

SCAMMING SONS OF BITCHES!!!! That's what has pissed me off this week. I'm good because I'm cool, but I can be angry and not "sin". Both can be true. Job seekers are being scammed, and I was targeted this past week. Did they get any money from me? Hell no! But these people have my information (name, address, dob) and that's more than enough for identity theft, so now I'm even more hypervigilant than I normally am. I simply can't trust humans. Trust at your own peril.  

Since I've been isolated from the world for the last 15 months, I felt it was time to get my ass back into this horrible job market that has everyone clambering to find a way to make a living. I was contacted about a job opportunity. Normally, I ignore when someone contacts me with any offer, but I am applying for full-time work. I'd rather invest in new coaching innovations, but capital is needed, so we move forward. My resume is listed on several job search sites, and someone saw it or my LinkedIn profile and emailed me to offer me a fake job. Y'all know I'm smart, analytical, and take everything with a grain of salt until you prove the opportunity is real and beneficial. This time, however, I guess I just wanted the offer to be real. Although this company is legit, the people contacting me were not real representatives from the company.   BOB CHESTER IS NOT AN EMPLOYEE AT ZRG PARTNERS! The scammers have a three-step communication setup to make you believe the recruiter's initial outreach/interview process (which was a job and I questioned everything upfront, but...), then they direct you to HR to send your name, address, and telephone number so they can send you an offer letter. Examine the emails received fo contact information. Phone numbers, emails, business address, website, etc. If none of this information is in the email, ABORT!!!! and go to the website to see if they have a staff directory and see if these clowns are on the list. If not contact the actual company's HR directly.  PAUSE... any company that wants to hire or onboard you will contact you with logistics and an offer letter with the CEO/OWNER's name and SIGNATURE. Remember the signature part. The HR person congratulates you and sends an offer letter for you to sign and return with A COPY OF YOUR DRIVER'S LICENSE via email. DO NOT SEND YOUR ID TO ANYONE VIA EMAIL. HR departments will have a secure program to upload all necessary documents. If they don't, they should. It's 2025. Upgrade folks. Anyway, look for whether they schedule an interview or if they offer the position after sending screening/interview questions. Talk to someone and look in their face before accepting anything. 

Here is where the scammy part of the scam gets you. In the email, the "HR Manager" sends, they ask you to select which computer package you would like since you will be working remotely and need to have your equipment for your training and before you start. They will send you an image of the front and back of a check but before they send it, they will ask what your bank's mobile deposit limit is. Afterwards, they send you a check very close to the limit amount. They ask you to deposit it,, and after a day or two, they will contact you via text and ask if the check went through. In my case, I didn't deposit the check into my account. I had someone else do it. I told them to monitor it because it was suspish. I asked her what is the status of the check. She said it was on hold. I told her it was not real because if it's on hold, the bank is suspicious that it was fake. If the status was "pending", that means they are processing it.  I immediately told her to contact the bank and let them know what's going on so they don't think you're intentionally depositing bad checks. She got that taken care of, so all is well. I was then contacted by the scammy sonsofbitches asking if the money was deposited. I told them it was on hold and they then started saying that they talked to the vendor and if I sent a deposit, they would get the ball rolling on sending the equipment. (insert the NOT BOO BOO THE FOOL expression here.) 

PAUSE AGAIN...any company who will be providing you with equipment for your role is not going to send you money, then ask you to contact a third party to purchase your equipment. They will order the computers/laptops they require you to have and will have them shipped to you. UNPAUSE.

Once they asked me for money, I said I'm not sending anything until the check clears. I already knew the check was fake, and what happened next was expected. They went straight ghost. Reminded me of most dudes I know. lolol 

I posted my story on LinkedIn and did my own research on these folks, and they have been scamming lots of people. The phone number I communicated with was also connected to a scam using the company The 95 Agency as a cover name. The company posted an announcement on LinkedIN stating they are being used in a scam and to not engage. I then emailed and texted the scammers that I knew they were scamming people, and to destroy any information on me because I reported them and will be monitoring for identity theft, and they will be caught. They don't know who I know. lol

So the moral of this long ass story is I hate people. 

I then connected with the actual ZRG Partners company and applied for another position directly with them. lol Let's see what happens. If I get a job with the real company, oh what a story this will be. 

Ha! I will have the last laugh.

Notes on how to avoid employment scams

51

50 was such nice even number. More even than my mindset right now but still... it was a good one. Now I embark upon completing my 52nd year here and my hope is that my journey from 51 to 52 will yield extraordinary truths about who I am to be in this world. I know. I know. 51 years and you still don't know? Well, no. I think many people feel this way. I've put the little violin away and now want to experience the boom of the bass as miraculously wonderful things happen in my life. As much as I say I want a simple like, and that is still true, simple can be amazing. It's all about perspective. 

When I wake up and my little digital Finch bird friend app chirps from my tablet, signaling me to get up and open my curtains, I think it's simply the silliest but simply beautiful way to start my day. By the way, his name is Noodles. The app holds my "to do" list each day. It may not change the world but when I push myself to get up (and believe me; some days it's a PUSH), welcome the sunlight into my room, fix my bed, meditate, wash my face, brush my teeth, declutter my space, have breakfast or even eat lunch (because honestly, I do forget sometimes and then I'm eating very late).

51 has me evaluating my forward steps, challenging my beliefs, finding clarity in my purpose (whatever that is), and understanding where I stand within myself and with the world around me (family, friends, randos in the world). Even in my isolation there is much I wish to say. I get in my own way. 51 knows that I should care what others thinks but the truth is no matter how much you don't care what others think, a lot of what we do and say tends to seek a reaction from others, Even if the reaction is "Wow! They don't care what anyone thinks." You will say "Damn right!" It's pleasing to you that someone got you. Well, 51 says don't solicit what others may say about your not caring what others think. 

We're such contradictory beings. 

51 has brought me to an understanding of what I believe in, spiritually, and honestly, most people I know would probably look at me sideways because I don't blindly follow anyone. I don't trust that what they (man, human beings, peoplez) say when I know that even the most sacred words and messages has always been and will always be distorted by man for personal gain. Not all of them but well, just look at the world. Plus, when you "study to show thyself approved", you dig deeper into the meaning of what's been taught, how they were interpreted by man, and you begin to seek beyond what they (universal "they") tell you and I'm simply not in the market for "truth" that is wrapped in personal perspective. I can believe but I also can pray to our creator to lay a pathway of true understanding for me. Learning about the incomplete doctrine that was taught to us from people who used those very words to hold us captive to our beliefs and sensitivities for a merciful God, yeah, it leaves a bitter taste in your mouth. Not to mention that King James got folks thinking his VERSION is the complete work and word of God. Nope. King James ain't like y'all. 

But this wasn't about my spiritual philosophy, it's about...

51

51 has provide deep insight on who is full of shit and who isn't when I'm approached about almost anything. An advanced bullshit detector, if you will. Recently a dude reached out with his personal resume and I responded but, if you know me, sarcasm is my second fluent language. Not harsh but goofy. I am a believer that it takes time to get to know someone's true personality and I don't give you a seemingly perfect version of me. From jump, you get me. It's their job to get to know me and not rush to judgement but I also know that some people don't have the patience to get to know others and not everyone has my sense of humor so, puh taw! Rejection. lol It doesn't pinch me as hard as it used to. In fact, sometimes, when I know a vibe is not great, I embrace it and carry on. Life is life.  

My 51 gave me my sense of self.

2:32 am, July 12, marked the completion of my 51st year as a detached being from my momma. lol. My astonishment is that I actually made it to 51. All the times I didn't plan on making it, I'm glad I trusted my mind over my heart and emotions. Sometimes they all aligned and the only thing I could do was wait. Let me tell y'all, do not underestimate the WAIT. This world is moving at such a fast pace and information is coming at you faster than you can absorb it; some of which is a load of shit. Waiting to think, make a decision, act on an impulse, assess why you are making the choices you are can shift your personal paradigm. Two things can be true. We can make moves and wait at the same time. If you're overly analytical you may ask how. Don't be over analytical here. lol If you don't get it, this post is too long for me to elaborate. 😂

I say this to say this: 

I appreciated all of the experiences, good/bad, happy/sad, encouraging/discouraging, the light/darkness, the doubt/confidence, and all the interdependent pairs that shape our humanity. I appreciate the love I've receive, not matter how short lived. I appreciate the lessons learned from those who were not so loving. Seeing myself more clearly helps me to bypass someone's manipulation and defining who I am without my permission. Who others think I am is not my business if I don't succumb to their pressures. If I want to have a cigar and a drink on my deck while I listen to music and all of the birds and crickets that loudly surround me, then that's a beautiful time for me. If I'm engaged in conversations of understanding with a good friend or even a potential new love, then that's a beautiful time for me. If I listen to my mother and father repeat tales they have told for over four decades, then truly, that is a beautiful time for me. There are many memories and experiences I can recall and think I'd wish I'd done things a little differently but when you step into a mindfulness spirit, what matters is that I'm happy with 51. 

Stay TRU💋

The Same Difference

For years, I have often spoken about how many people claim to be different from others and somehow, more unique than most, but I have yet to find an abundance of distinctions among the same people who claim an extraordinary level of uniqueness. Truth is, everyone is unique when you consider our unique DNA "stuffs"; however, differences usually show up in how we navigate the society we subscribe to, and even then, so many people share similar experiences, with similar reactions, and similar mindsets. No, no one person experiences life exactly the same, but there are variations of similar experiences that we react to according to our beliefs, rationale, emotions, and level of understanding and knowledge. 

I used to think I was absolutely the only version of me (which is still true) until I saw someone who had my face and others who felt the things I felt about almost everything. It's sobering and also relieving because it highlights the fact that we truly are not alone in the world. I have never claimed to be different, but what I do, how I think, and how I appreciate the world around me (sometimes) have made others view me differently. For me, that's good enough. 

I realized early in life that all the people parading around talking about how different they were, weren't. We (universal "we") like to paint ourselves in the best light so others can do the same, but the truth is, I have long since stopped believing what people say and only slightly believe what they do. Behavior is the differentiator. When a person says "I'm different," but I see the same tired behaviors that I've seen time and time again, I'm not upset, nor am I shocked that they are human. Period. 

Lots of people try to appear as close to perfection as possible, even in our flawed existence. Some people say how "perfectly flawed" they are. See how they can't be simply flawed? They have to be perfectly flawed. During the last decade or so, we (universal "we") have become "experts" in healing, growth, emotional intelligence, communication, and relationship criteria. Well, I trust those who study in these fields and even consider the perspectives of those who are not professionally focused in these areas but have done the work on themselves and help others in an authentic, non-judgmental way. Not everyone does that, so it isn't wise to just blindly believe someone who says they have the "secret" to healing and what it is supposed to look like. Most of the time, that "expertise" is conditionally based on their subjective perspective of their own experiences or what they think they know about someone else's experiences. 

With all this "expertise" floating around, it just sounds like a room of parakeets. Now, granted, this is not all bad. To me, this seems like people are grasping the idea of the work it takes for self-care and "healing" from past and sometimes present wounds. However, the idea of unique perspectives is a stretch when so many people are parroting each other's words, almost verbatim. Nothing is wrong with that. I simply throw up an eyebrow when people say they are different. When I ask "how so?", either they regurgitate things others have said or they express what they think "good" different is, and most of the time, again, I've heard that "difference" before. 

I won't drag this on much longer, but I'll leave with this:

The "difference" doesn't show up in the saying but in the doing.

If I don't have a point of reference for someone, I simply trust what I see and what they show me. 

Show me you're not the same as everyone else by not doing the all same things as everyone else.

Stay TRU

It's not easy being green

As I opened my Blogger account this morning, I was suddenly confronted with a memory of a melody from a song that Gen X kids may remember. It's a song sung by Kermit the Frog called "Bein' Green". Jim Henson, creator of The Muppets and the original voice of Kermit the Frog, did a phenomenal job articulating the longing to understand one's differences and how despite those differences, they are what makes us unique and deserving of love; Acceptance. Random as hell, right? Well, actually, I often flash back to many random memories from my youth, and this song was a fond memory from my high school days at Duke Ellington School of the Arts in Washington DC.  When our concert choir director, Mr. Edward Jackson, taught us this song, we laughed because the was a Muppets song but let me tell you, we LOVED singing this song. As you can see, almost 34 years later and it still holds a beautiful place in my memories. Also, thinking about us as teenagers back then, maybe more teens need this song in their lives. Adults, too. 

Back to it. 

I woke up thinking about rejection and how, despite one's best efforts, rejection will come in this life, and it is unavoidable. Many times, being rejected causes a person to examine things about themselves and question what could have been different that would have yielded an outcome of acceptance but the truth is, sometimes, you can do all the right things or have the best heart and intention and still be rejected. Being rejected feels horrible but accepting that not everyone will accept, like, understand or even care about you, you get to decide how to manage your feelings around the rejection and to not place blame on yourself for how others react or feel about you, provided you're a good* person and not just an asshole. 

(As the word "good" is subjective, you also must understand what you view as being "good".)

 There is rejection due to one's values and standard which we all participate in when we choose which of a thing we prefer. Even deciding to befriend one person over another often results in a feeling of rejection. That may not always be intentional but someone will be rejected and they very well may feel the rejection deeply. Some rejection is intentional, cruel, and often used as a manipulation tactic. Trust me, I know this all too well.  As must as I analyze the behaviors of others, I must be more aware of my behaviors around feeling rejection. 

Even as adults we act out in strange ways when we don't feel wanted. Some behaviors are self-motivating and other could put your mental health and physical personhood at risk.  Again, I have experienced both moments of encouragement and the dark side of dealing with being ignored, turned away, and unwanted. The older I get the quicker I'm able to identify when it feels like a rejection spiral come about and even then I am not fooled into believing that I haven't willingly chosen the self-destructive path. Everyone wants to be wanted, desired, and longed for. I prefer a straightforward rejection over the cruelty of the gas lighting bullshit people do. 

I am me everyday. I'm cute. I'm fat. I'm smart. I'm moody. I'm sensitive. I'm sensitive. I said that twice because sometimes it's a wonderful thing and other times it feels like a burden. I'm affectionate. I'm illusive. I'm loud. I'm quiet. I'm loving. I'm sometimes cold. I'm human. I have grown to love this messy version of myself. I am fucking dope! And finally, in the edited words of Kermit the Frog: 

(I replaced the word "green" with the word "me")

"When me is all there is to be,

It could make you wonder " why?"

But why wonder; why wonder?

I am me and it will do fine. 

It's beautiful and I think it's

What I want to be." 

"Bein' Green" The Muppets; written by Joe Raposo, performed by Jim Henson

Thanks Mr. Jackson. I miss you, dearly. 💓

Be well, loved ones.

Stay TRU💋

A Full Circle of a Beautiful Life

View from my former rooftop. Oh, how I miss it. NE DC

Breathe.

Be still.

Keep Calm.

Know that you will be okay.

Then...get to work!

Lately

Many times, we often find ourselves returning to the place of heartache and heartbreak (often mistaken as the same thing but slightly different; a break will ache, but an ache doesn't necessarily break). 

I've been up for hours just thinking and listening to music. Tonight has been a night of trying to find the sense in heartbreak and how frequently it has come for me. No, I do not pity the lot in life I have received, but I think of the lens through which I view my experiences. Some things have stuck with me over the years, and I realize how common it is for many people to feel a need for closure to put a stamp on the finality of relationships, experiences, and so on, or they seem unable to let go. I often hear people say, "Just let it go." I agree with this sentiment. Let go of the hold memories have on you. Let go of the inability to move forward without some sort of finish. There is no point in waiting for "Fin" to appear as the closing credits roll to a monumental musical score. 

Sometimes the closure is that whatever you had is simply over, and sometimes we don't like or understand its ending. Sometimes there are no magical excuses or reasons why something ends. Things end. Moments end. Experiences end. Seasons end, though they return, not the same as before, but holding on to the traits that define them. If love has defined your best season, it will return, but the love may not look the same as it did in the past. There is both sadness and excitement in the flourish of a new thing. To hold the new thing sufficiently, you must open your hand so that the old thing can fall to the ground or be whisked away by the breeze carried atop the whispers of yesteryear's wishes that never came true, but hold space in hopeful hearts. For some time now, I've been meditating and asking if I'm making the correct decisions for my life. 

I believe in mindful moments being the only true moments we have in life. Your future moments will become the present moment at some point. Nothing in your past can be altered; only reflected upon. Future moments are not carved in stone, so the worry we have about them only destroys our present mindset. Let them go. We want so much to be able to control what happens and what will happen. In understanding that point, the decisions I've made have all led me to a point of understanding that I don't understand everything, and I am fine with that. Our evolution depends on our curiosity to understand so that we may find the wonders of life in extraordinary ways. Rather than pray or desire the answers so that I may escape the deep cuts of life, I ask for the awareness of moments to know when to proceed and when to detour my path. I ask that I be given the knowledge of how to bandage the unavoidable injuries that come with life. I ask that I receive an additional 24 hours to experience the shift in the atmosphere so that I may not give in to the moment of hopelessness. I ask for visibility even when I want seclusion. One thing that is true for all is that this life will conclude, and not everyone will get the ending they hope for. Some hope life will go on and on. We live a very finite existence, and when you think of life as a pathway to an ending, the time we spend wishing and hoping for things we can't have or can't change seems fruitless and wasteful. 

Believe me, my heart pines for a great lost love, lost opportunities, lost relationships that I have altered because of my own actions or inaction. I think of all those things while listening to Stevie Wonder's "Lately". I've lived those lyrics. Sometimes, we don't grieve lost loves left behind; we grieve the person we used to be or the person we wanted so much to be but never were. Although Stevie's lyrics are about feelings of an impending end of love. I have felt this with both love and my own identity. My premonitions are rarely wrong, and so when I feel, think, observe life the way I do, I acknowledge what may be coming then leave it to the universe to decide what shall be. I have not made the wrong decisions in my life. I made decisions that pushed me towards who I am today. Give yourself compassion and understanding that life comes as it may, and we cannot predict what happens, no matter how much we plan. Give yourself grace to be human. In all things (good, bad, indifferent), be grateful for what life teaches you. So as the thunder growls outside my window and the sky weeps for brighter days, I, too, will have grace for this moment and be grateful for it because right now will never return. 

Absorb

ABSORB

By: TRU Ess

He chased my dreams until he caught up to me

Stood still and watched me turn to see who stood there

My head tilted and my heart smiled because no matter how fast or far I ran

He would always catch up to my dream

Sweetly, a melody left my berry hued lips and was intercepted by his arms 

Which also held a love he sometimes could not fathom

But there it was

As I turn to continue my journey, he walked beside me

Hand in hand

Swinging to the rhythm of the breeze

The curiosity is seized and he no longer has to wonder if he is welcomed

I am here for you

I know you are there for me

Love began with a whisper and ended with a sonic boom 

That to many, sounds like the murmuring of a thousand wasps

I am here for you

I know you are there for me

Walk with me into the sun

Where we both can burst into a love held by the divine

A calm washes over us in the midst of a chaotic world

Finding a place to smile seems difficult in the presence of grimacing faces 

They will look at our love and think it peculiar

Couple walking into the Sun (AI Generated Image)

Think it unbelievable

Or think it rather mundane

Through a sea of thousands I locked onto his eyes staring back at me and he reached through to grab my hand

Today, we walk

Today, we walk

Today, we