Fear of Forever

 

"It is not death that a man should fear, but he should fear never beginning to live."

             - Bertolt Brecht 

Life is both simple and complex. Two things can be true. Although society, as it stands now, has made the simple act of living a major complication for many, at the root of humanity is to satisfy basic needs, self-realization, and fulfillment of a life with joy, love, pleasure, and understanding. Many people create a narrative around their existence that is created to impress others who have little stake in the inner workings and support of one's heart, mind, and soul. One of the most important things a person will learn during this lifetime is that the most certain thing in life is that we all must exit. Even though we know that life has a beginning and an ending, having this knowledge doesn't minimize the fear or even the shock of departing. One of the saddest moments in life is when you see the fear and regret in the eyes or hear it in the voice of someone, acutely aware that they are approaching the threshold between time and eternity. What's even more heartbreaking is sitting with the knowledge that time has been wasted wishing for a life that wasn't meant to be instead of accepting the life you have been given and finding the joy in the simplicity of taking one breath after another.  

As a coach, I have coached several people who were dealing with the anxiety and grief that comes with the impending finality of life for loved ones. When someone is focusing on an impending loss, I remind them that their focus on the loss is taking away from the time they have with their loved ones now. 

I don't normally share stories about loved ones, if it's not specifically my story to tell; however, my mom, whom I sometimes...many times, have a strained relationship with, has been hospitalized for a little while now. She's getting better, but she's also 82 years old. I have spoken to her several times and know she's tired. Life can be daunting at 35, let alone at 82. This week, I tried calling her many times, and never got her on the phone. She's in MD. I'm in GA. She'd spoken to everyone but me. I didn't take it personally. I just figured I'd talk to her when it was time. My family is splintered, so there is tension present that has been central to the family for about 5 years now. I haven't spoken to most of my siblings because everyone has their version of reality, and I simply don't want to deal with everyone trying to prove how great they are. I've been over that for years, but I do still care, very much, about the well-being of my parents, even if I haven't always felt that they cared. Feeling that they didn't care and knowing that they do (in their own way) are complex layers of the family dynamic. 

This week has been a challenge. Each time I called to check on her, she had to get off the phone. The doctor would come in; maybe the nurse. She was stressed. I simply couldn't have a conversation, and someone was always in the room with her. One of her children, none of which are on speaking terms with me. I digress. She was given something the other day that affected her in a way that caused her to behave out of character. I wasn't aware because my sister and I are in Georgia, while the rest are in MD and my sister with me is the one everyone else talks to. I get my info from her. Well, my mother was having a reaction. She was speaking about the apartment we grew up in and haven't been in in over 27 years. She called for her mother to come get her. She was restless, and she kept saying she wanted all the kids to get there because she needed to talk to us. 

My sister called me into her room and said, "Ma wants to talk to you." I was gonna "fuss" at her about not talking to me. Not seriously, but just messing with her. My sister said, "She's not herself". I calmly said, "Hello, Ma. How are you?" I heard the sadness and desperation in her voice. She told me to pack a bag and get up to MD. Then she said I'm going to go find Chris." Chris is my brother who lives in Las Vegas. She was calling all her kids home. My oldest sister kept trying to correct her which made her even more frustrated. I just told my mother, "Okay. I'll pack a bag. We'll see you soon.".  Something isn't right, I thought to myself. I asked my sister what the hell they gave her. I told her, let's see how she is communicating tomorrow. It sounds like they gave her something that is affecting her. I turned out to be spot on. 

That was Wednesday. Yesterday, I called her and she answered. She was lucid and sounded like her normal self. I asked if anyone was in the room with her. She doesn't always feel she can speak freely with others as they sit by monitoring her conversations. She was alone. We talked for over an hour. She even laughed and listened to me when I told her not to focus on death and dying. That is inevitable. Focus on today. Try to enjoy each day. We can't change yesterday and have no idea what tomorrow holds. She said she will do that.. It was a good conversation. I reminded her that we all have to go and there was no guarantee she's going first, so not to dwell on the unknown. If you ask my father, he's been talking about dying for almost 20 years now. SMH He'll live to be 100 because he keeps talking about he didn't expect to live this long. He gets on my nerves. 😅

As GenX, the current sandwich generation (caring for aging parents and children), deals with the idea of losing our loved ones, we also have to take this time to acknowledge our own lives and whether or not we are truly living intentionally and with joy. Whenever I can, I try to reiterate this point with my mother. As long as you wake up, you have another opportunity to find or create joy, even if it looks complicated. I have been the challenge. I'm that "middle" kid, or the one who is considered the middle kid. The ignored one or the challenging one. At least, that's my perception, whether accurate or not. Of all the ones she's chosen or taken their side, she told me a few weeks ago, "I need you to come take care of me." All I can say is "I'll see what I can do." I'm not surprised, nor do I feel any particular way, because whether they made mistakes or intentional choices, for me to be okay with myself, I have to let some things go. I don't accept disrespect, but I have no desire to be cold to her, and hold the past decisions (whether mistakes or intentional) against them now. Mom is frail, afraid, and needs to find peace. Of everyone surrounding her, somehow, the peace comes when she calls Georgia. The truth is Mom is 82, and Dad is 86. We are living in a crucial time that, one day, will be important memories. Mom did tell me, calmly, that I didn't have to rush to MD. lol In her altered state, she was still lucid enough to remember that she told me to come to MD. It was a good conversation, and before I hung up, I told her I loved her dearly, and she paused because we don't tell each other we love each other. She said she loved me, too. If ever there is a time to show and communicate love, it's now. 

Don't fear forever. Embrace every sensation of right now. No one knows how long we have to enjoy this existence we've been gifted with.