51

50 was such nice even number. More even than my mindset right now but still... it was a good one. Now I embark upon completing my 52nd year here and my hope is that my journey from 51 to 52 will yield extraordinary truths about who I am to be in this world. I know. I know. 51 years and you still don't know? Well, no. I think many people feel this way. I've put the little violin away and now want to experience the boom of the bass as miraculously wonderful things happen in my life. As much as I say I want a simple like, and that is still true, simple can be amazing. It's all about perspective. 

When I wake up and my little digital Finch bird friend app chirps from my tablet, signaling me to get up and open my curtains, I think it's simply the silliest but simply beautiful way to start my day. By the way, his name is Noodles. The app holds my "to do" list each day. It may not change the world but when I push myself to get up (and believe me; some days it's a PUSH), welcome the sunlight into my room, fix my bed, meditate, wash my face, brush my teeth, declutter my space, have breakfast or even eat lunch (because honestly, I do forget sometimes and then I'm eating very late).

51 has me evaluating my forward steps, challenging my beliefs, finding clarity in my purpose (whatever that is), and understanding where I stand within myself and with the world around me (family, friends, randos in the world). Even in my isolation there is much I wish to say. I get in my own way. 51 knows that I should care what others thinks but the truth is no matter how much you don't care what others think, a lot of what we do and say tends to seek a reaction from others, Even if the reaction is "Wow! They don't care what anyone thinks." You will say "Damn right!" It's pleasing to you that someone got you. Well, 51 says don't solicit what others may say about your not caring what others think. 

We're such contradictory beings. 

51 has brought me to an understanding of what I believe in, spiritually, and honestly, most people I know would probably look at me sideways because I don't blindly follow anyone. I don't trust that what they (man, human beings, peoplez) say when I know that even the most sacred words and messages has always been and will always be distorted by man for personal gain. Not all of them but well, just look at the world. Plus, when you "study to show thyself approved", you dig deeper into the meaning of what's been taught, how they were interpreted by man, and you begin to seek beyond what they (universal "they") tell you and I'm simply not in the market for "truth" that is wrapped in personal perspective. I can believe but I also can pray to our creator to lay a pathway of true understanding for me. Learning about the incomplete doctrine that was taught to us from people who used those very words to hold us captive to our beliefs and sensitivities for a merciful God, yeah, it leaves a bitter taste in your mouth. Not to mention that King James got folks thinking his VERSION is the complete work and word of God. Nope. King James ain't like y'all. 

But this wasn't about my spiritual philosophy, it's about...

51

51 has provide deep insight on who is full of shit and who isn't when I'm approached about almost anything. An advanced bullshit detector, if you will. Recently a dude reached out with his personal resume and I responded but, if you know me, sarcasm is my second fluent language. Not harsh but goofy. I am a believer that it takes time to get to know someone's true personality and I don't give you a seemingly perfect version of me. From jump, you get me. It's their job to get to know me and not rush to judgement but I also know that some people don't have the patience to get to know others and not everyone has my sense of humor so, puh taw! Rejection. lol It doesn't pinch me as hard as it used to. In fact, sometimes, when I know a vibe is not great, I embrace it and carry on. Life is life.  

My 51 gave me my sense of self.

2:32 am, July 12, marked the completion of my 51st year as a detached being from my momma. lol. My astonishment is that I actually made it to 51. All the times I didn't plan on making it, I'm glad I trusted my mind over my heart and emotions. Sometimes they all aligned and the only thing I could do was wait. Let me tell y'all, do not underestimate the WAIT. This world is moving at such a fast pace and information is coming at you faster than you can absorb it; some of which is a load of shit. Waiting to think, make a decision, act on an impulse, assess why you are making the choices you are can shift your personal paradigm. Two things can be true. We can make moves and wait at the same time. If you're overly analytical you may ask how. Don't be over analytical here. lol If you don't get it, this post is too long for me to elaborate. 😂

I say this to say this: 

I appreciated all of the experiences, good/bad, happy/sad, encouraging/discouraging, the light/darkness, the doubt/confidence, and all the interdependent pairs that shape our humanity. I appreciate the love I've receive, not matter how short lived. I appreciate the lessons learned from those who were not so loving. Seeing myself more clearly helps me to bypass someone's manipulation and defining who I am without my permission. Who others think I am is not my business if I don't succumb to their pressures. If I want to have a cigar and a drink on my deck while I listen to music and all of the birds and crickets that loudly surround me, then that's a beautiful time for me. If I'm engaged in conversations of understanding with a good friend or even a potential new love, then that's a beautiful time for me. If I listen to my mother and father repeat tales they have told for over four decades, then truly, that is a beautiful time for me. There are many memories and experiences I can recall and think I'd wish I'd done things a little differently but when you step into a mindfulness spirit, what matters is that I'm happy with 51. 

Stay TRU💋