The Slow Drive

Hoping all is well in everyone's world tonight. Realistically,  I know we all are going through  something so I wish you all better days and peaceful nights. :)

This weekend my body was halted by pretty intense pain but in order to not completely fall apart, I willed my body to override the pain to go out. I couldn't workout but I was able to drive around so I decided I'd spend the day going out and enjoying my city as much as I can with my comfort level. I was sidetracked when a little baby showed up at my house and I spent a few hours Loving on him and his little fat cheeks. He is about 6weeks old and already standing and trying to take steps. WHAT THA???? LOL. Well I held him up and he was standing then took steps toward me while I supported him. REALLY? 6 WEEKS and trying to take steps? These babies. Smh lol

Anyway, I am often traveling and moving through the city alone. At one time I had a boyfriend I'd hang out with but over time it was back to just me. I think people assume that because I don't mind being alone (sometimes) that I don't want friends. The friends I have (or think I have) though very fee, I love dearly and would love hanging out but we don't.  Many times that leaves me a bit lonely. People are afraid to say they are lonely because it comes with the perception of desperation but that's not so. Being alone doesn't necessarily equate to loneliness but many times  the lonely are physically alone and sometimes they are in a room full of people and still feel lonely.

Anywho, in my effort to not be lonely, I invited a friend to hang out and like the story of my life, I was told I'd receive a call but it never came so plan B is now in play.

"Go at it alone!"

My teenage nephew decided he'd roll with me so we drove out to VA to the movies. It was fun hanging out, missing exits and talking music with him. So I wasn't alone but after I dropped him off at home at midnight I wasn't ready to go home to the actual loneliness waiting behind my bedroom door with a smirk of contention.

I kept driving until I ended up downtown. With the Washington Monument as my backdrop. I decided to just drive around DC for a while. I didn't have a particular destination in mind but I knew I didn't want to go home. The only thing waiting at home was emptiness, discomfort, loneliness and uncertainty of where my future is going. So I drove. I drove from one section of the National Mall where it was quiet and only the motion of the changing street lights kept the pace of the midnight hours; a direct contrast to the crowded overrun  DC streets in the daytime. Then I drove to the part of the city that's still lively with club goers enjoying the DC nightlife. I saw groups of friends laughing and walking to and from restaurants and clubs in downtown and I thought to myself

"What makes them so different from me?"

 Even though I will never know the answer to that question, for just a second it was a question that I needed to know the answer to but now I'm not that interested in what the answer would be or who would have the answer to that question. So I drove. I listened to the radio which basically consisted of top 40 popular hip hop songs being played live from a not so far away club in the city with the DJ calling out the Leo's to celebrate their birthday season. Yeah, I had to shift gears and play the slow jams for my ride. Tyrese singing "Shame" on my drive? Sweet.

With the streets virtually clear of traffic near the monument I headed in that direction away from the busier sections downtown. I thought about what I loved about the city and why I wanted to go away so badly. One question always seems to follow me and I don't want to feel bad for myself but I ask why am I always alone? For the most part I'm a pretty cool person which confuses me when people would rather hang out with confrontational assholes but maybe I'm just boring. Maybe I'm not enough. Maybe I'm too much. Maybe I'm not good enough. Maybe forgettable.

I realize then I'm not only single in relation to not being in a relationship with a love interest but I am single in the sense that every aspect of my life right now is populated only by me. I did not plan it this way. I did not want it this way. Somewhere there is someone who can't wait to be my friend and spend time with me but for now that's what I have to do for myself and I don't really mind because I like me.

Oh, this wasn't meant to be sad. Lol. Just sharing. Hopefully someone will see this and see that they aren't the only one who goes through lonely times. Things will get better. For now journey on your own and get to know and love yourself even more.

Tonight my tears fell. They didn't trickle  down my cheek like the dramatic crying of the heroine in the movies who has just come to term with her feelings. This was an outpouring of knowing you can never go back to who you thought you once were.

I feel discarded like rubbish. Unwanted. My choice, though the right choice, has caused me both panic and at times, relief.  Nothing.

I love completely so what is a heart and soul left to do when love and trust is stripped from your grasp.

I'm listening to Peabo Bryson'so "Can you stop the rain?" Fitting for how I'm feeling.

Everyday Luxury...Coming Soon!

Can I just say, I love to cook. I do. So much, in fact that I've started yet another blog for lifestyle and entertainment which features many new dishes I'm trying to continue my healthy lifestyle change. I guess it's not so much a change as it is a renewed dedication to it. My goals over the next year includes traveling more and talking to many people in the culinary and style world who can give my readers insight on new trends in style, dining and living an overall lovely life without having to be super rich or slightly rich or anywhere near the place of rich. lol.

Check out my blogs: Live via Food and coming soon, TTRUENT Simply Beautiful Style.

My belief is that you can create your own oasis in the center of a chaotic world. The difference is you. You can live in the worst neighborhood in your city but when you walk into your home and close your door, what's inside is all dependent upon what you want to feel in your own home. If you want peace, create a peaceful environment that can help you relieve the stresses of the other parts of your life. Cook the food that will feed and nourish your body and surround yourself with things and information that strengthens your mind and spirit. Decorate your space with things that bring you joy just to look at and in return allow you to breathe a breath of relief from whatever chaos is waiting for you on the outside. You may be surprised at the impact your your living space, the food you eat and the tone you set for your home have for your peace of mind. I hope to help someone establish a center of tranquility for your life force to thrive. It isn't realistic to think you will sit around all day with a big smile on your face and never be bothered by anything at all but just think if you channeled that stress into something beautiful around you, maybe you will not only conquer your stressful days but also be a vehicle for others to see peace.


THE WORLD IS IN CHAOS.  YOUR PRIVATE WORLD DOESN'T HAVE TO BE.

I wish you well loved ones!

Ciao!

Bigger Than I

Ever so often,  we come across challenges that strike us so fiercely that it's difficult to envision a moment after; the view of the silver lining or the "just beyond the horizon" moment. Our thoughts and emotions are so saturated with the "now" moment that we forget there was once a "before now" moment that was just as soul shaking as this moment but somehow,  you made it.

I have gone through so much in my life but I am sure not nearly as much as some others but for me, my journey has been a difficult one. I have been discarded by many and even by some I thought would never do so. Life is not shocking to me anymore.  Still disappointing sometimes but I'm not the least bit surprised at what people do. These disappointing moments can leave you feeling a bit jaded and unwilling to open yourself up to the goodness that is love. My outlook on romantic love has been severely altered over the last few years but sometimes you need something or someone to cause you to reset your outlook.

This past Saturday, my world was shifted by someone who wasn't honest about loving and wanting me. I wasn't sad. I was surprisingly calm before I got mad but the anger subsided quickly because I walked in my house and my mother was sitting on the love seat with this little one week old baby in her arms. He was my new nephew Ryan and it was the very first time I have seen him in person. I looked at him while he slept and so many things went through my mind.

I had to gather my thoughts as I had just gone through a disturbing and angering revelation. I went into my room, notified the person that our relationship was done like over cooked chicken and I sat still for a few moments when I heard a knock on my door. My mother brought Ryan to me and I held this little bundle for the first time.

I looked at him and all I could say was, "Hi Bunky."

I couldn't take my eyes off of him because the goodness of the moment would dissipate into a memory and I didn't want that to happen. My whole last 5 years just dissipated moments before I held this beautifully calm sleeping baby in my arms.  I sat there staring at him. He moved a little then attempted to open his eyes to see who had next in the Hold The New Baby game. He peeked and closed his eyes and continued sleeping.  I hummed a little, still staring and thinking of all the sadness I had inside because nothing would be the same, Ryan smiled. I hummed a little more and he smiled again. I needed to see him at that exact moment. I needed the genuine smile of someone who knows nothing of hate, lies, cheating, deception, rasism, abandonment,  chaos, anger, fear, or doubt.  I needed someone who won't break a promise, cause panic in my soul or lead me to mistrust people more that I already do. I needed someone who accepted me and needed me just for that moment. I needed to hug my nephew because there was no one else safe to hug.

I could hug my other two nephews but they always want money and my niece but she always wants gum. Lol

I watched Ryan and I was okay for that moment in time and realized that there is a force way bigger than I navigating this journey. He knows when to give me directions, instructions and assistance.  He knew this day would bring me to a point of mistrust for people but in my arms was a little boy that the world has not influenced yet. That is happiness. Holding someone for the first time. You never know when your last embrace with someone you loved will be but there is perfection in the first embrace that stays with you.

I didn't kiss him that day but next time I'll hold him longer and hopefully get to see his eyes.  Until I find my last first kiss, Ryan's perfect little cheek will be it for now.

Though I confess to being shattered right now, I know the mender of broken hearts so I'll be just fine.

Bitter Sweet Celebration

Mother's Day is a day of love and appreciation for mothers and the other women in your life who have stood in place of or in addition to, biological mothers. I'm fortunate to have mother around and can still show appreciation. As grateful as I am to have my mother, mother's day is bitter sweet  for me because it is an amplified reminder that I have no children to celebrate me.  The sadness is not me not getting gifts or flowers or a card saying "Happy Mother's Day Mom" but that there is no extension of Tara for generations to come to say "My grandmother  (or greatgrandmother) Tara..."

I have reconciled that I may never have any children so I'm not necessarily sad but on Mother's Day, people are being kind by saying happy mother's day because most people see a woman of a certain age and think she must have kids. Well, I don't so I just say thank you instead of trying to explain that I don't have children. This year I'll be 41 and I don't doubt God can do anything but He and I have an understanding. Lol

Though His purpose may or may not include children for me whenever I have the opportunity,  I must provide support and extend wisdom to a young person and if that imparted knowledge is ingrained into their essence and is activated to change the course of their lives for the better, I'm more than happy to oblige.

I don't have god-children either but I have two (soon to be three) knuckle head nephews and a beautifully sarcastic niece so whenever I can, I teach Charles about art, not being afraid to try new things, and nutrition,  Steven, about the ways of the world and to follow his dreams with dignity and self respect and Courtney,  knowing thyself and being courageous despite what others see when they look at her, say when she succeeds or fails, and to never walk through life with her head down.


Those lessons, hopefully, will still be flowing through the future Aldridge generations and just maybe someone will say, years after I'm gone, "My great aunt Tara taught me that."

For all the mothers on the planet, have an awesome Mother's Day!!!!

Who do you love? Are you sure?

Those are the questions of the day.  Share if you have answers. :)

Only want what's best for you

There aren't too many times that I feel the need to hide real aspects of my life.  Some things are rather personal but I've never had then need to lie about anything yet I am definitely not trying to be over exposed like many people today.  We say "I want my privacy!" then turn and put our lives under a magnifying glass for the world to see.  This is just a way of saying "Look but don't judge."  How can we not?  Just another fine example of our contradictory society.  However, I digress.  Though blogs can be a part of the overexposure of self, I try to write things I know someone, somewhere may be going through as well.  In my mind, it's a way to show someone that they aren't alone and in a way, this is my own sounding board for anyone to listen because (and this is a part of my transparency),  I don't have many that will.

Here we go.

My blog, when I started, was focused on love.  Whatever that word means to me seems to be ever changing and for myself and others, the emotions love conveys, and the actions it provoke have become so raw and fragile.  To a degree, love is still my primary theme even if it's the sadness that love sometimes bring.  I'm having a harder time writing about romantic love these days.  I cannot identify well with what family love and support is suppose to look like so I don't write about that much.  Friendships, though few, have been good but most are conditional and depends on the level of need and the climate so there are many days, weeks, months, where I'm on my own. It's tough because you are told you are strong and you tell yourself you'll be okay but love hasn't shown up to tell you the same. Not the love you're looking for.

I believe that we should be transparent for the sake of not hiding things that will hurt others, however most people don't feel or think the same way.  I believe that if it's something that could even hurt yourself, whether physical or emotional, you should share with someone.  God didn't put us on this planet alone, without others to fill the void that pain and hurt can cause us. Unfortunately, for some of us, the only way to save ourselves is to shut down and pray that someone, GOD, anyone will help us to hit the reboot button.  Because I love very deeply, I find that emotionally shutting down for a while is the only thing that can save me right now.  I know people change and I'm the first to understand that we all stand in different footprints in this world; unique to ourselves.  Thinking hasn't helped my situation at all.  Us emotional over-thinkers can at different times make our own situations better but we can self-destruct with even more brilliance.

I've been called a liar by liars.  I have been called a bad friend by the worse "friends".  It's been said I have an attitude yet no one dare ask me why or if I actually have one.  No one wants to know what they contribute to your state of being but they are quick to assess you as if they are diagnosing you with a critical illness while they should be hooked up to an IV.

I don't lie.  I have never believed in just lying for nothing.  I don't even like lying for a reason that is "justifiable" so to just lie to make my self look innocent, smarter, better in any way seems worthless.  Even when the truth makes me look terrible, I believe by revealing the ugly truth I'm positioning myself to always be on a clean slate and not worry about what can be found out.  There are things that I may not tell people but those are things that are private vs. being untrue. There's a difference.  There are many situations that can lead to someone losing faith in people, themselves, and even God.  Be mindful of where you are emotionally, mentally and spiritually because you won't see it coming when your heart and mind are hit with a barrage of spears designed to end what innocence and belief you may have in others.  No one thinks they could feel lost until they are standing in the middle of the road with no map, no compass and no one to give them directions and the storm clouds are on the horizon. Stay Calm.

IN COMES TREY SONGZ

I think I'm officially mad at him for the last few days.  

So, I'm at work and sitting at my desk yesterday and I'm listening to my radio on my phone when a song comes on.  Normally, I'm not a fan of Trey Songz so I'm not necessarily willing to just sit through his songs.

Not that he's not talented.  I just wasn't into his highly vibrato voice but it seems to have gotten much better. Good for him.  

As I'm working, a song of his plays and I stop typing to listen.  First of all, I'm a instrumental person where if the music can touch me, the next step is the lyrics and if you can sing, TRIFECTA!  I sat and listened then I found it on YouTube and played it over and over until I fell asleep last night and then again this morning.  The lyrics tore my heart apart.  How do you make the hard decisions you know you need to but can't seem to make?  At some point we have to take ourselves out of the equations because sometimes what you want isn't the best for someone else.  This is a hard truth.  People may not see when you change but you do. They may not even see when they change but you do. Sometimes, you see when things won't change and I think that's even harder to deal with. When do we use these truths to become better people?  Who decides how we become better people? Better families?  Better friends?  Better lovers? Strive for better-ness not bitterness.  Working on my heart today.  It needs a massage.

Still mad a Trey though. hmph.