Only want what's best for you

There aren't too many times that I feel the need to hide real aspects of my life.  Some things are rather personal but I've never had then need to lie about anything yet I am definitely not trying to be over exposed like many people today.  We say "I want my privacy!" then turn and put our lives under a magnifying glass for the world to see.  This is just a way of saying "Look but don't judge."  How can we not?  Just another fine example of our contradictory society.  However, I digress.  Though blogs can be a part of the overexposure of self, I try to write things I know someone, somewhere may be going through as well.  In my mind, it's a way to show someone that they aren't alone and in a way, this is my own sounding board for anyone to listen because (and this is a part of my transparency),  I don't have many that will.

Here we go.

My blog, when I started, was focused on love.  Whatever that word means to me seems to be ever changing and for myself and others, the emotions love conveys, and the actions it provoke have become so raw and fragile.  To a degree, love is still my primary theme even if it's the sadness that love sometimes bring.  I'm having a harder time writing about romantic love these days.  I cannot identify well with what family love and support is suppose to look like so I don't write about that much.  Friendships, though few, have been good but most are conditional and depends on the level of need and the climate so there are many days, weeks, months, where I'm on my own. It's tough because you are told you are strong and you tell yourself you'll be okay but love hasn't shown up to tell you the same. Not the love you're looking for.

I believe that we should be transparent for the sake of not hiding things that will hurt others, however most people don't feel or think the same way.  I believe that if it's something that could even hurt yourself, whether physical or emotional, you should share with someone.  God didn't put us on this planet alone, without others to fill the void that pain and hurt can cause us. Unfortunately, for some of us, the only way to save ourselves is to shut down and pray that someone, GOD, anyone will help us to hit the reboot button.  Because I love very deeply, I find that emotionally shutting down for a while is the only thing that can save me right now.  I know people change and I'm the first to understand that we all stand in different footprints in this world; unique to ourselves.  Thinking hasn't helped my situation at all.  Us emotional over-thinkers can at different times make our own situations better but we can self-destruct with even more brilliance.

I've been called a liar by liars.  I have been called a bad friend by the worse "friends".  It's been said I have an attitude yet no one dare ask me why or if I actually have one.  No one wants to know what they contribute to your state of being but they are quick to assess you as if they are diagnosing you with a critical illness while they should be hooked up to an IV.

I don't lie.  I have never believed in just lying for nothing.  I don't even like lying for a reason that is "justifiable" so to just lie to make my self look innocent, smarter, better in any way seems worthless.  Even when the truth makes me look terrible, I believe by revealing the ugly truth I'm positioning myself to always be on a clean slate and not worry about what can be found out.  There are things that I may not tell people but those are things that are private vs. being untrue. There's a difference.  There are many situations that can lead to someone losing faith in people, themselves, and even God.  Be mindful of where you are emotionally, mentally and spiritually because you won't see it coming when your heart and mind are hit with a barrage of spears designed to end what innocence and belief you may have in others.  No one thinks they could feel lost until they are standing in the middle of the road with no map, no compass and no one to give them directions and the storm clouds are on the horizon. Stay Calm.

IN COMES TREY SONGZ

I think I'm officially mad at him for the last few days.  

So, I'm at work and sitting at my desk yesterday and I'm listening to my radio on my phone when a song comes on.  Normally, I'm not a fan of Trey Songz so I'm not necessarily willing to just sit through his songs.

Not that he's not talented.  I just wasn't into his highly vibrato voice but it seems to have gotten much better. Good for him.  

As I'm working, a song of his plays and I stop typing to listen.  First of all, I'm a instrumental person where if the music can touch me, the next step is the lyrics and if you can sing, TRIFECTA!  I sat and listened then I found it on YouTube and played it over and over until I fell asleep last night and then again this morning.  The lyrics tore my heart apart.  How do you make the hard decisions you know you need to but can't seem to make?  At some point we have to take ourselves out of the equations because sometimes what you want isn't the best for someone else.  This is a hard truth.  People may not see when you change but you do. They may not even see when they change but you do. Sometimes, you see when things won't change and I think that's even harder to deal with. When do we use these truths to become better people?  Who decides how we become better people? Better families?  Better friends?  Better lovers? Strive for better-ness not bitterness.  Working on my heart today.  It needs a massage.

Still mad a Trey though. hmph.