Where does your path take you?

I am finding more and more that most people live a translucent life. These people show you what they want you to see, even to the point of shifting slightly so you can see them but lack details. This gives them the room to say "You're allowed to see me but not all of me." I choose to live a pretty transparent life meaning though there are things that are generally private, if (for lack of a better word) exposed, I would be willing to deal with the consequences. I don't, however, purposely do thing and try to hide them from others. We all neglect revealing information from time to time but to be calculated in our secrecy shows either a lack of trust or maybe just an avoidance to exposure but I've learned that exposure will happen regardless of how you try to hide things.

I have learned from past and present experiences that regardless of the effort some people make to be happy, someone around them may not share that same objective for their life. We allow people to influence us, sometimes to the point of jeopardizing that "good thing" we have in exchange for shared misery. We set up webs of deception so that our secret can remain and we can continue to dodge being exposed. Unfortunately, when we play those type of games, we are pulling unwilling participants in and our actions have an adverse affect on them that, most times, cannot be reversed.

Trust is an often discarded element in relationships. Not only is the trust of our partners, friends and families put into question but our trust in ourselves.

Do you trust yourself to make the right choices for you life?

Most people would answer that question with a resounding "I don't know." That is a problem. Most times, the reason we don't know if we're making the right choices is because of several reasons. One could be we really don't know what we want so we are feeling around in the dark hoping that we will find the light switch, thus illuminating our position and hoping we are in the right place. Another reason we don't know if trust ourselves because we are afraid to move to the next level of who we are meant to be. This could result in feeling like we are leaving someone behind or a part of ourselves we don't want to let go of.

Sometimes, we must let go in order to grow. Pruning unfruitful branches is necessary for growth. This pruning process can be painful, so much so that we often want to avoid it and are willing to accept the stifled positions we stand in just so that pain won't be felt.

Are we avoiding the inevitable change? 

You may be at a point in your life where you ask yourself "How did I get here?"  Your vision for you life was once filled with such promise and fulfillment. Not to say you aren't blessed but you knew what you wanted and now you assess your current coordinates and wonder again, "How did I get HERE???" Well, I can't answer that for you but I will say that each choice has a direct impact on your path. Ever action has a reaction.  The jobs you take, the education to receive, the friends you associate with, the romantic partners you hold onto, those people you think you can't live without, even the places you shop for groceries all have a direct impact on you forward momentum and life position. Hey, you never know who you will meet in the grocery store.

I find that the people who do trust themselves make decisions based on what is good for their lives. Not always but most of the people I know who have a plan, they go for it and they trust when something isn't right in their plan and they "fix it". However, I love the saying "If you want to make God laugh, show him YOUR plans." Unfortunately, many of us see things broken in our lives and for some reason, we choose to let that thing stay broken and wait for the inevitable. I don't believe something have to be inevitable but without action, the inevitable will happen.

Love is a wonderful thing. We all want it. We all need it. We all hope that it comes in the perfect package wrapped in you favorite candy singing your favorite song. If that is true for you, I wish you well. O_O

I have heard it said that a woman marries a man she can live with but a man marries a woman he can't live without. Pretty funny yet endearing sentiment but seems like more and more that is becoming an exception instead of the rule just like what the bible says about finding a wife.

In my formative years, I just knew I had the plan. College, great career, travel across the globe, marriage, children, and just enjoying life.

......(crickets).......

Yeah, my reality looks nothing like the vision I once had. I often justify dealing with my missteps as "growth". Have you ever said to yourself, "Well, if I hadn't gone through the struggles I wouldn't be the person I am today"? Well, that is true but you can't always justify not making certain life decisions because you decided struggling made you stronger. Some of the struggle came from turning left instead of right. I believe people either learn from experience or example. Not every struggle needs to be experienced.

Relationships are pretty much the same in regards to how we navigate them. We see the exact same patterns in our relationships that we see in someone else's life but we decide, let's see where these patterns take me. 9 times out of 10, if you take the same path as someone else, you will end up at the same destination. More and more, I am learning that I deserve to be happy. That's it. Happiness is what you determine it is for your life.   For me it's navigating difficult waters with the faith that I'll return to dry land safely. I'll return to my path to accomplish what I set out to do, with minimal casualties.

Marriage. I once thought I'd own my own architecture firm by 30 years old so I have no idea if marriage is even in my future. If you ask me what I see in the future for myself, I can't answer that. I try to love for now but love is not only given, it has to be received. I can't receive love for anyone else.

Children. Again, I don't know but with each day grows the doubt that a family will happen for me. I'm learning to become content with that idea. I really wanted children because I felt like I could be a great mother but the path I take apparently has signs that say "No children allowed."  Maybe I'm broken or don't trust myself enough. Maybe everything is fine and children are not in my God given plan. Whatever the cause, I'll live with it. I'm getting better at realizing that there will be no one to carry on my legacy, if I have one. I'm not sad about it anymore. Just focused on the now.

Family. We realize as we grow older that the family dynamic can shift as we become adults. The people you once trusted, admired, believed in can become foreign to you as an adult. We have to view each other differently because we have become adults who have developed individual traits that, as adults, we may or may not like so that shifts our relationships a bit.

(sigh) Well, I think that's all for now. Come back for Part II later. I want to give your eyes a break. :)

B@Peace!!!

~TRU

Pulling them out with love and understanding

Let me start by saying that I am generally a genuinely a pretty upbeat and happy person. Now that I have stated that fact, I continue with my post. 

Sometimes, I get angry.  We all do. However, the anger I speak refers to the lack of education about the condition of depression.  Though I don't share it much, I do suffer from depression sometimes. I have shared some of my experiences but what I get angry about is people equating depression with insanity or mental instability. Being depressed is not being craZy. Yes, I meant to type the capitol "Z". 

I mentioned depression to a close relative of mine and they said to me:

"Am I going to have to put you behind the wall." (referring to the mental institution a few blocks from my house)

I instantly got angry.  Why do we still refuse to understand depression? 

~What Is Depression?

Everyone occasionally feels blue or sad. But these feelings are usually short-lived and pass within a couple of days. When you have depression, it interferes with daily life and causes pain for both you and those who care about you. Depression is a common but serious illness.

Many people with a depressive illness never seek treatment. But the majority, even those with the most severe depression, can get better treatment. Medications, psychotherapies, and other methods can effectively treat people with depression. 

National Institute of Health. Depression. "What is Depression"

With all the widely available awareness about depression, many people are still very ignorant of how serious depression is and some people are too proud to admit that help is needed to treat the disease. We still fear that thing which we cannot explain. We would rather put our loved ones away and cause more damage to their psyche than properly dealing with the depression. Some people don't require medications but some do and depression can be managed if the effort is made to try and understand how to help someone suffering from this disease. 

Some people will never fully be "cured" of depression but with time, understanding and treatment, we can learn to help people who do suffer. Depression is not something to simply dismiss as sadness or a cry for attention. The tears that fall from depression are not for attention. They are for understanding and help.  People find it hard to understand depression because the sufferers may not be able to explain why they are depressed.

Sometimes, we need to need to understand it. We just need to love the people who struggle by being there when they need you and talking with them. I have found that when I am suffering from depression I do want to be alone but there are times that I need people to talk to me even if it seems like I don't want to talk. If you talk to me, I'll talk back. I may not say much but I'll say something. For someone dealing with depression, a little says A LOT!!!

Hoping for more hope

One of the saddest things for me is speaking with someone who has given up hope. Someone who has given up hope for a positive outcome for their lives and challenging circumstances really makes me want to create a vending machine when they can go get a quick fix of hope whenever they run out. I know many people see the storm and not the rainbow after. We, human beings, can sometimes be extraordinarily impatient when it comes to overcoming trials and tribulations. It is absolutely understandable that we want to resume a sense of normalcy in our lives and get back to happier times but when "life" does happen, we want to pass the test without actually taking the test itself. 

I have a close friend who is going through difficult times right now and I not only empathize with her but I understand her because I experience many of the same issues she does but there are major issues she is experiencing that I may never understand but I am a part of her support system. What I do find sometimes (and this isn't always true for my friend) is that in our impatience, we can actually extend or increase the strength of the storm by embracing the trial as an unchangeable aspect of our lives as if there is no hope for recovery, resolution, reconciliation or redemption. In all of my challenges, even when I sat at the darkest portion of my trials, I always seemed to search for that small glimpse of light that could let me know that no matter how cloudy things look the sun has always been shining behind the clouds and at some point, the clouds have to move so I can see the light again. 


I love my friends and family, probably more than they will ever know and will always be the eternal optimist to help them retain a sense of hope and if I have to place their hope and joy in a box and save it for them until they are ready to embrace them, I totally would. One thing my friends and family would say is that I am what you would consider a "realist" or "no nonsense" when it comes to helping them move forward from a difficult situation. I do believe everyone needs the time to process what is happening in their lives but I try to help them identify when they are processing the difficulties and when they are embracing them and using it as the continuous reason to either complain, dwell, retain fear of moving forward or simply acquiring the attention so that they could stay in that difficult place. As crazy as it sounds, some people will not admit it but they find a strange comfort in dwelling in the storm.  There is no accountability in the storm. The storm is always someone else's fault and someone else has to clear the storm.  Hope for a guilt-free resolution is the only hope they have but they never receive it and so they hold onto the pain, stress, blame, emotional torture because there is a fear that if these stressful feelings go away, maybe there won't be any other emotion available to replace them so we dwell.  I know people who would say "But I do want to be happy and I don't want the sadness. Who would want to be sad?"

People who have had so much sadness in their lives may not know exactly how to be without a measure of sadness so there is always a reserve of "issues" that will allow them to pull a situation out of their back pocket like a found $5 bill.  My hope is that my friends and family actively seek happiness and joy. What I have come to understand is that hope and faith are directly connected and it's almost impossible to have hope if you don't have the faith to propel your hope into actuality.

Hebrews 11:1

King James Version (KJV)

11 Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.

When you have faith, you have the most effective tool necessary to jump start your hope. In order to have hope you have to have the faith that that thing you hope for is attainable. More often these days, I am hearing many people who wish for better situations but don't have the faith that their situation(s) can or will be better so their efforts to hope for better is almost non-existent. 


I have faith in God and his ability to meet a person where they are and help them through that storm. We often want God to get rid of the storm or fast forward to the end of the storm but God doesn't remove the storm. He equips you with the tools to endure until the end so the lessons can be learned; positive outcomes may be celebrated and the wisdom gained can be appreciated. We gain so much from our trials that we find ourselves appreciating the storm afterwards.  Nope. It's not comfortable, that raging storm, but when we make it through there is cause for celebration. My prayer is that my friends and family will obtain peace of mind even in the harshest part of the storm. The trick is you have to go through stress in order to know how to overcome the stress. Yep. The good ole Catch 22.

What I love (because I have to share some love here) is that peace is obtainable. Calm is obtainable. I have had many people ask me "How did you get to become so calm while everyone is stressful?" My reply?  "It took a while to get here but I identity my stress triggers and calmly figure out how to lessen my stress. It's not always easy but I'm getting better."

I don't have all the answers. In fact, I may not have any answers when it comes to helping others manage stress or their troubles because no one person handles stress the same but I want my friends and family to know that they have to keep a measure of faith and hope in reserve for those times when you don't seem to have much or any left.  Pray and seek the clearing beyond the clouds and the storm. It's not easy but I love you and I know you can find that reserve and see how that hope increases when you allow yourself to deal with the current issues but focus on the, hopefully, positive overcome.   It's not easy loved ones but life, love and happiness is so worth holding on. Please my dears, hold on until the clouds move because that sun is so bright. Just hold on. I love you enough to hold on with you.

When "I love you" becomes a tool, the heart feels every insincere motive.

I have not been able to really smile the last week or so. This feeling hurts; not having a smile ready, willing and able to surface at will. I have sat in silence and darkness wondering what's next for me. At times, I feel hollow, like an empty pail. I can't even cry. I cried a little a few days ago but now I'm numb. I have been in physical pain for the last few weeks but even with physical pain I felt joy. 

The joy has diminished into a longing for quietness.

For the last week, I have been in bed with my head covered from the rest of the world because I feel if they see me they will deem me unfit to be among them. Not happy enough; not good enough to accept or facilitate the happiness that is required of the world to be considered "normal".  

I paused to help celebrate my friend's birthday yesterday and I recognized how much I needed to be out of the house.  My heart had not smiled for days. My spirit has been mildly alerted to the things going on around me.  I didn't want to call it what it is but I have to. Depression. Loneliness. I have felt dismissed by the very ones I relied on to give me comfort in the dark times. Maybe my trust was in the wrong people.


I have been having lots of dreams lately. Standing alone, watching the world go by without being about to do anything but stand there and stare blankly into life without being a part of it. I love deeply and completely so when I am made to feel like I'm wasting my time, I feel foolish and I try to figure out, for myself, what to do next. Only now, I have no plan for what's next. I have no plan for the now. I have nothing.

I write because if I don't I will lose myself even more. If I write it, these feelings, down then maybe I can somehow identify what I feel and do something different. Even if I just feel, that is all it is; just feelings. No problem solving; no itemized list of potential solutions that will make things better or make the physical and emotional pain go away.

My mind wanders when I consider the places I need to be in order to realize whether or not anyone on this planet really loves me. Maybe I'm loved only when the conditions are right. I don't want to feel like a victim or someone who is so desperate for love that she will throw herself, head first, into despair for the sake of momentary sympathy. I have only ever wanted someone to love me as I am. Flaws and all. Without cruel judgment, hurtful words and deceptive motives. I don't want to be told "I love you" and lied to in the same instance. I can bare being alone but I can't be surrounded with people who say "I love you" and still be lonely. 

I don't just speak of romantic love but real LOVE.  

If I could run away, I would but my feel cannot bear the weight. If I could fly away, I would but my wings were taken long ago. If I could sink into an amber hue of existence I would and cover up the path that brought me there but I would only be found again and brought back to this reality that I am unhappy.

Everything hurts right now. My body, my heart, my mind, my soul; they all are in need of bandages that I don't seem to have.

As much as I speak about love, it evades me.  I have, yet, to see the love of this world prove itself. Sometimes I think it God's cruel joke to show me how unloved I am daily in order for me to rely on His love. I'm grateful for His love every second, minute, hour, day and so on.  I guess I just wish mankind really understood and exhibited real love. I'm told most days "I love you" and hesitate to return the sentiment because I sorely love but it is often trampled upon.

Maybe my eyes are still covered, shutting out all possibility of seeing happiness, love and care. I don't know. I'm going back to sleep now. I pray the sunlight yields a better perspective.

The anticipated release of SHADOWED REFLECTIONS is here!!!

Shadowed Reflections
Written by TRU Essence

Shadowed Reflections, my new short story/poetry book is now available for purchase at xlibris.com bookstore and amazon.com. 

I am truly excited about publishing my first book.  Many people have asked me about selling my book and doing a book signing (which I definitely will) but my overall focus was to publish the book to prove to myself that I can do it. I did it. LOL. I feel so good about it!

This book is dedicated to everyone who doubted every step they have ever taken then one day realized that they are more than doubt.  They are more than fear of failure. They are more than fear of success. We struggle to find our place in a crowded world of spazzy people walking pretending to know exactly what they want but never really sure. I write with the voice of the lost and uncertain but hopeful.

Shadowed Reflections is available for purchase at the xlibris.com bookstore and Amazon.com.  Get your copy today!!!

Venting today. Not mad just blah....

I woke up this morning and lay awake thinking about this place I have found myself in life at this moment.  I asked several questions that I'm not sure I can answer.

Am I really happy or is it a mask that I wear?

Who is really there for me (unconditionally) like I am for them? 

If gravity lapsed for just a moment and I dropped off the face of the earth, would anyone even know I was gone?

Tru Essence

I don't think people know how sensitive I am and that any time I speak up it takes a lot in me to lay my emotions to the side and really say what's on my mind.  People are built differently and just because one person may have always been the type of person who doesn't filter themselves and say whatever they want, that doesn't mean it comes as easy to the rest of us.  Some of us tremble at the thought of having to let inner thoughts fly into the atmosphere because people are not accepting of others' thoughts, feelings, ideas, and criticism as they say they may be.

Don't mistake honesty for being tough.

Though it may be easier to cower and lie to people, lying also absorbs unnecessary energy that I can't afford to waste.  When I'm honest with someone about how I feel, how they are acting or anything in general, it's not to make some sort of stance on how tough I can be.  Being honest with people is frightening at times.  You may lose friends, distance family, lose a love, or even end up in a very lonely place because you decided to tell the truth about something, someone or just say how you truthfully feel.  And just to clarify, I don't mean like those condescending people who are smug and trying to let you know that they think they are better than you.  Those people get joy over pointing out what they feel are your flaws.  I'd rather edify you in your triumphs.


People feel attacked even when you aren't attacking.  Some people can't recognize when you are actually supporting them because somewhere between the words leaving your mouth and entering their ears, the message goes from positive to negative and the worse part is when you have braced to say what needs to be said and when it's received the opposite way, you really don't know how to recover it so you remain silent and that misunderstanding creates a new problem that the other person appears not to want to resolve.  In that moment of annoyance, they have the opportunity to act in a way that they want and justify their actions with your own words.

So, you choose to be an ass because you didn't like what I said?  Somehow, that doesn't help the situation.

In situations like that, I feel that people have their own agenda and are just waiting for an opening to give them an excuse to behave a certain way. I've seen it over and over again so this is very familiar behavior to me.

I have received harsh criticism about almost every aspect of my life from spectators who are only watching from the outside.  I have accepted the criticism of those closest to me and have taken that it and did many many nights of self analysis.  I've been told I'm talented, smart, creative, beautiful, funny, and other things and I accept those things graciously.  However, I have been told that I'm lazy, unfocused, don't reach my potential, fearful, lack disciple, that I think I know everything, and other things that I hear and try to see if there is any truth in them before I react.

Bottom line is whether the person giving the criticism is doing so out of love or out of petty jealousy or just trying to hurt your feelings, we have the right to react but your reaction distinguishes your character, not the character of the person giving the critique.

You ever get the feeling that it's you and not them. 

Some days I still feel like that teenager who's afraid of the harshness of the world.  I think we all are just looking for someone or something to love to keep us internally grounded or we feel like we'll float away.  God, people, things, drama; we all have something we hold onto to keep us wanting to wake up each day. Unfortunately, many have lost that desire and thus deciding waking up again was a lost cause for them.  My heart aches for each soul that felt or feels that way.  I understand that feeling.  I have felt it.  I fight it everyday by searching with intent to find someone and something to love.  We are in a battle for life and soul sustainability.

With that said, sometimes I think I'm so inwardly focused that I can't see beyond my own feelings, even though I feel that I have been a good friend to others.  I do have to ask myself if it's me that has issues with people or do I pick the wrong friends or if the one I feel is my best friend doesn't love me enough to call me his best friend.  I would go crazy trying to figure out how other people feel so I try to only focus on what I feel and maybe that's a bit selfish and maybe even considered arrogant at times but I'm just Tru and there's not much I can do about it.  I've recently gotten in the habit of telling myself to let things go.  It's apart of my personal 'Pick Your Battle" campaign.  In these cases, it is I who chose how and when to react and I don't let others pull me into a reaction for their purpose.

I wish life was much simpler.


Some people don't want you to have faith in them. 

When people feel that you will disapprove some of the things they say and do and will pick a fight just so you can lose a little more faith in them.  By doing this they feel you won't hold them accountable for anything if you know they are not dependable.  This is a convenient way to get off the hook for being a decent person.  I have learned that people hate looking into mirrors held by other people.


Damned if you do; Damned if you don't.

Yeah. I really don't have anything else to say about that.  It's self-explanitory.


From a distance, that bottle floating in a water just looks like another ripple. 

I was riding to work on the bus yesterday and as we crossed the bridge I looked over the water and notices a small thing in the rippling water that looked like a plastic bottle.  Now of course I'm thinking of the environmental implications of the bottle being in the water but I noticed that if you didn't stare at it long enough, you would think it was simply another ripple in the water.

Being the person that I am, I started thinking how some of us are like floating bottles being mistaken for ripples in the water. We walk, live, talk, exist among a sea of content people who are satisfied with the status quo but every now and then someone looks hard enough and notices that we are not like everyone else.  Up close, it's obvious that we don't belong but from a distance we blend in, unknowingly, to be mistaken as just another part of the scene to be taken for granted.

I'm painting stripes on my bottle.  I bet you'll see me from a distance next time.

Convince yourself to be happy.

TRU

I have been irritated all day.  Have you ever had a day where it started off irritating and just kept that pace the entire day?  I hope not but in case you have, I feel your pain. My mind and spirit have been rattled a little but the constant for me today has been my music to keep me from randomly smacking people for random reasons or no reason at all.  No, I'm not violent but when you feel like I felt today you want a release. Screaming, swinging at the air, working out, anything that will let you get that feeling of frustration off your chest so it won't linger too long.  I spent most of the day traveling around my city on a wild goose chase and it may not have been so bad if my journey hadn't started out with me already annoyed.

I don't like when I'm upset. One of three things may happen.

1. I don't say anything...for a long time. Keeping things to myself is a habit. One reason, I have found out, is no one really cares most of the time what's bothering me so I keep it to myself. 
2. I speak my mind and have people piss me off a little more by telling me to calm down when I'm perfectly calm.  That can make me angrier than the initial reason I was angry.  Only a very selected few have ever seen me really go off and when I do, trust, THEN you really will want to tell me to calm down. 
3. I find a way to make myself feel better. I need not to be angry over small things because I have so many big things I'm trying not to be upset about so my energy is already accounted for. 

Anyway, throughout the day, I kept my mind and ears filled with music. Even at my most annoyed I sang my songs. My gospel, jazz, soul, and whatever I had on my ipod.  As the evening wrapped up, I found myself feeling better. Not completely over my issue but nevertheless, feeling better.  My niece and nephews came for a visit and because they are so silly, my mood had to change.  Sometimes you have to tell yourself to let things go so that you can move forward.  I could very well hold on to my frustrations but I have so many other areas of my life that could use that energy so I'm fine or as fine as I can be in my hot bedroom at 3:00AM.

I was listening to neosoulcafe.com (WHICH I LOOOOOOVE) and came across this video by Zo! called "Count to Five".  I just heard it for the first time about an hour ago and I am soooooo loving it! This song made me happy.  I also listen to Pharrell's song for the Despicable Me 2 soundtrack called "HAPPY".  Take a listen at http://soundcloud.com/juneya/happy-pharrell-fareal. This song truly makes me smile and want to dance.

Music has such power to assist our efforts to condition our emotions. Whether happy, sad, angry, in love, grateful or any emotion you have, there is a song that massages your heart, mind, and psyche.  I hope you all have some really "go to" happy songs because Lord knows, we all need them.

Be Blessed Loved Ones!

Stay TRU

ZO! - COUNT TO FIVE ft. GWEN BUNN & PHONTE (Official Music Video)