When "I love you" becomes a tool, the heart feels every insincere motive.

I have not been able to really smile the last week or so. This feeling hurts; not having a smile ready, willing and able to surface at will. I have sat in silence and darkness wondering what's next for me. At times, I feel hollow, like an empty pail. I can't even cry. I cried a little a few days ago but now I'm numb. I have been in physical pain for the last few weeks but even with physical pain I felt joy. 

The joy has diminished into a longing for quietness.

For the last week, I have been in bed with my head covered from the rest of the world because I feel if they see me they will deem me unfit to be among them. Not happy enough; not good enough to accept or facilitate the happiness that is required of the world to be considered "normal".  

I paused to help celebrate my friend's birthday yesterday and I recognized how much I needed to be out of the house.  My heart had not smiled for days. My spirit has been mildly alerted to the things going on around me.  I didn't want to call it what it is but I have to. Depression. Loneliness. I have felt dismissed by the very ones I relied on to give me comfort in the dark times. Maybe my trust was in the wrong people.


I have been having lots of dreams lately. Standing alone, watching the world go by without being about to do anything but stand there and stare blankly into life without being a part of it. I love deeply and completely so when I am made to feel like I'm wasting my time, I feel foolish and I try to figure out, for myself, what to do next. Only now, I have no plan for what's next. I have no plan for the now. I have nothing.

I write because if I don't I will lose myself even more. If I write it, these feelings, down then maybe I can somehow identify what I feel and do something different. Even if I just feel, that is all it is; just feelings. No problem solving; no itemized list of potential solutions that will make things better or make the physical and emotional pain go away.

My mind wanders when I consider the places I need to be in order to realize whether or not anyone on this planet really loves me. Maybe I'm loved only when the conditions are right. I don't want to feel like a victim or someone who is so desperate for love that she will throw herself, head first, into despair for the sake of momentary sympathy. I have only ever wanted someone to love me as I am. Flaws and all. Without cruel judgment, hurtful words and deceptive motives. I don't want to be told "I love you" and lied to in the same instance. I can bare being alone but I can't be surrounded with people who say "I love you" and still be lonely. 

I don't just speak of romantic love but real LOVE.  

If I could run away, I would but my feel cannot bear the weight. If I could fly away, I would but my wings were taken long ago. If I could sink into an amber hue of existence I would and cover up the path that brought me there but I would only be found again and brought back to this reality that I am unhappy.

Everything hurts right now. My body, my heart, my mind, my soul; they all are in need of bandages that I don't seem to have.

As much as I speak about love, it evades me.  I have, yet, to see the love of this world prove itself. Sometimes I think it God's cruel joke to show me how unloved I am daily in order for me to rely on His love. I'm grateful for His love every second, minute, hour, day and so on.  I guess I just wish mankind really understood and exhibited real love. I'm told most days "I love you" and hesitate to return the sentiment because I sorely love but it is often trampled upon.

Maybe my eyes are still covered, shutting out all possibility of seeing happiness, love and care. I don't know. I'm going back to sleep now. I pray the sunlight yields a better perspective.