Hoping for more hope

One of the saddest things for me is speaking with someone who has given up hope. Someone who has given up hope for a positive outcome for their lives and challenging circumstances really makes me want to create a vending machine when they can go get a quick fix of hope whenever they run out. I know many people see the storm and not the rainbow after. We, human beings, can sometimes be extraordinarily impatient when it comes to overcoming trials and tribulations. It is absolutely understandable that we want to resume a sense of normalcy in our lives and get back to happier times but when "life" does happen, we want to pass the test without actually taking the test itself. 

I have a close friend who is going through difficult times right now and I not only empathize with her but I understand her because I experience many of the same issues she does but there are major issues she is experiencing that I may never understand but I am a part of her support system. What I do find sometimes (and this isn't always true for my friend) is that in our impatience, we can actually extend or increase the strength of the storm by embracing the trial as an unchangeable aspect of our lives as if there is no hope for recovery, resolution, reconciliation or redemption. In all of my challenges, even when I sat at the darkest portion of my trials, I always seemed to search for that small glimpse of light that could let me know that no matter how cloudy things look the sun has always been shining behind the clouds and at some point, the clouds have to move so I can see the light again. 


I love my friends and family, probably more than they will ever know and will always be the eternal optimist to help them retain a sense of hope and if I have to place their hope and joy in a box and save it for them until they are ready to embrace them, I totally would. One thing my friends and family would say is that I am what you would consider a "realist" or "no nonsense" when it comes to helping them move forward from a difficult situation. I do believe everyone needs the time to process what is happening in their lives but I try to help them identify when they are processing the difficulties and when they are embracing them and using it as the continuous reason to either complain, dwell, retain fear of moving forward or simply acquiring the attention so that they could stay in that difficult place. As crazy as it sounds, some people will not admit it but they find a strange comfort in dwelling in the storm.  There is no accountability in the storm. The storm is always someone else's fault and someone else has to clear the storm.  Hope for a guilt-free resolution is the only hope they have but they never receive it and so they hold onto the pain, stress, blame, emotional torture because there is a fear that if these stressful feelings go away, maybe there won't be any other emotion available to replace them so we dwell.  I know people who would say "But I do want to be happy and I don't want the sadness. Who would want to be sad?"

People who have had so much sadness in their lives may not know exactly how to be without a measure of sadness so there is always a reserve of "issues" that will allow them to pull a situation out of their back pocket like a found $5 bill.  My hope is that my friends and family actively seek happiness and joy. What I have come to understand is that hope and faith are directly connected and it's almost impossible to have hope if you don't have the faith to propel your hope into actuality.

Hebrews 11:1

King James Version (KJV)

11 Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.

When you have faith, you have the most effective tool necessary to jump start your hope. In order to have hope you have to have the faith that that thing you hope for is attainable. More often these days, I am hearing many people who wish for better situations but don't have the faith that their situation(s) can or will be better so their efforts to hope for better is almost non-existent. 


I have faith in God and his ability to meet a person where they are and help them through that storm. We often want God to get rid of the storm or fast forward to the end of the storm but God doesn't remove the storm. He equips you with the tools to endure until the end so the lessons can be learned; positive outcomes may be celebrated and the wisdom gained can be appreciated. We gain so much from our trials that we find ourselves appreciating the storm afterwards.  Nope. It's not comfortable, that raging storm, but when we make it through there is cause for celebration. My prayer is that my friends and family will obtain peace of mind even in the harshest part of the storm. The trick is you have to go through stress in order to know how to overcome the stress. Yep. The good ole Catch 22.

What I love (because I have to share some love here) is that peace is obtainable. Calm is obtainable. I have had many people ask me "How did you get to become so calm while everyone is stressful?" My reply?  "It took a while to get here but I identity my stress triggers and calmly figure out how to lessen my stress. It's not always easy but I'm getting better."

I don't have all the answers. In fact, I may not have any answers when it comes to helping others manage stress or their troubles because no one person handles stress the same but I want my friends and family to know that they have to keep a measure of faith and hope in reserve for those times when you don't seem to have much or any left.  Pray and seek the clearing beyond the clouds and the storm. It's not easy but I love you and I know you can find that reserve and see how that hope increases when you allow yourself to deal with the current issues but focus on the, hopefully, positive overcome.   It's not easy loved ones but life, love and happiness is so worth holding on. Please my dears, hold on until the clouds move because that sun is so bright. Just hold on. I love you enough to hold on with you.

When "I love you" becomes a tool, the heart feels every insincere motive.

I have not been able to really smile the last week or so. This feeling hurts; not having a smile ready, willing and able to surface at will. I have sat in silence and darkness wondering what's next for me. At times, I feel hollow, like an empty pail. I can't even cry. I cried a little a few days ago but now I'm numb. I have been in physical pain for the last few weeks but even with physical pain I felt joy. 

The joy has diminished into a longing for quietness.

For the last week, I have been in bed with my head covered from the rest of the world because I feel if they see me they will deem me unfit to be among them. Not happy enough; not good enough to accept or facilitate the happiness that is required of the world to be considered "normal".  

I paused to help celebrate my friend's birthday yesterday and I recognized how much I needed to be out of the house.  My heart had not smiled for days. My spirit has been mildly alerted to the things going on around me.  I didn't want to call it what it is but I have to. Depression. Loneliness. I have felt dismissed by the very ones I relied on to give me comfort in the dark times. Maybe my trust was in the wrong people.


I have been having lots of dreams lately. Standing alone, watching the world go by without being about to do anything but stand there and stare blankly into life without being a part of it. I love deeply and completely so when I am made to feel like I'm wasting my time, I feel foolish and I try to figure out, for myself, what to do next. Only now, I have no plan for what's next. I have no plan for the now. I have nothing.

I write because if I don't I will lose myself even more. If I write it, these feelings, down then maybe I can somehow identify what I feel and do something different. Even if I just feel, that is all it is; just feelings. No problem solving; no itemized list of potential solutions that will make things better or make the physical and emotional pain go away.

My mind wanders when I consider the places I need to be in order to realize whether or not anyone on this planet really loves me. Maybe I'm loved only when the conditions are right. I don't want to feel like a victim or someone who is so desperate for love that she will throw herself, head first, into despair for the sake of momentary sympathy. I have only ever wanted someone to love me as I am. Flaws and all. Without cruel judgment, hurtful words and deceptive motives. I don't want to be told "I love you" and lied to in the same instance. I can bare being alone but I can't be surrounded with people who say "I love you" and still be lonely. 

I don't just speak of romantic love but real LOVE.  

If I could run away, I would but my feel cannot bear the weight. If I could fly away, I would but my wings were taken long ago. If I could sink into an amber hue of existence I would and cover up the path that brought me there but I would only be found again and brought back to this reality that I am unhappy.

Everything hurts right now. My body, my heart, my mind, my soul; they all are in need of bandages that I don't seem to have.

As much as I speak about love, it evades me.  I have, yet, to see the love of this world prove itself. Sometimes I think it God's cruel joke to show me how unloved I am daily in order for me to rely on His love. I'm grateful for His love every second, minute, hour, day and so on.  I guess I just wish mankind really understood and exhibited real love. I'm told most days "I love you" and hesitate to return the sentiment because I sorely love but it is often trampled upon.

Maybe my eyes are still covered, shutting out all possibility of seeing happiness, love and care. I don't know. I'm going back to sleep now. I pray the sunlight yields a better perspective.

The anticipated release of SHADOWED REFLECTIONS is here!!!

Shadowed Reflections
Written by TRU Essence

Shadowed Reflections, my new short story/poetry book is now available for purchase at xlibris.com bookstore and amazon.com. 

I am truly excited about publishing my first book.  Many people have asked me about selling my book and doing a book signing (which I definitely will) but my overall focus was to publish the book to prove to myself that I can do it. I did it. LOL. I feel so good about it!

This book is dedicated to everyone who doubted every step they have ever taken then one day realized that they are more than doubt.  They are more than fear of failure. They are more than fear of success. We struggle to find our place in a crowded world of spazzy people walking pretending to know exactly what they want but never really sure. I write with the voice of the lost and uncertain but hopeful.

Shadowed Reflections is available for purchase at the xlibris.com bookstore and Amazon.com.  Get your copy today!!!

Venting today. Not mad just blah....

I woke up this morning and lay awake thinking about this place I have found myself in life at this moment.  I asked several questions that I'm not sure I can answer.

Am I really happy or is it a mask that I wear?

Who is really there for me (unconditionally) like I am for them? 

If gravity lapsed for just a moment and I dropped off the face of the earth, would anyone even know I was gone?

Tru Essence

I don't think people know how sensitive I am and that any time I speak up it takes a lot in me to lay my emotions to the side and really say what's on my mind.  People are built differently and just because one person may have always been the type of person who doesn't filter themselves and say whatever they want, that doesn't mean it comes as easy to the rest of us.  Some of us tremble at the thought of having to let inner thoughts fly into the atmosphere because people are not accepting of others' thoughts, feelings, ideas, and criticism as they say they may be.

Don't mistake honesty for being tough.

Though it may be easier to cower and lie to people, lying also absorbs unnecessary energy that I can't afford to waste.  When I'm honest with someone about how I feel, how they are acting or anything in general, it's not to make some sort of stance on how tough I can be.  Being honest with people is frightening at times.  You may lose friends, distance family, lose a love, or even end up in a very lonely place because you decided to tell the truth about something, someone or just say how you truthfully feel.  And just to clarify, I don't mean like those condescending people who are smug and trying to let you know that they think they are better than you.  Those people get joy over pointing out what they feel are your flaws.  I'd rather edify you in your triumphs.


People feel attacked even when you aren't attacking.  Some people can't recognize when you are actually supporting them because somewhere between the words leaving your mouth and entering their ears, the message goes from positive to negative and the worse part is when you have braced to say what needs to be said and when it's received the opposite way, you really don't know how to recover it so you remain silent and that misunderstanding creates a new problem that the other person appears not to want to resolve.  In that moment of annoyance, they have the opportunity to act in a way that they want and justify their actions with your own words.

So, you choose to be an ass because you didn't like what I said?  Somehow, that doesn't help the situation.

In situations like that, I feel that people have their own agenda and are just waiting for an opening to give them an excuse to behave a certain way. I've seen it over and over again so this is very familiar behavior to me.

I have received harsh criticism about almost every aspect of my life from spectators who are only watching from the outside.  I have accepted the criticism of those closest to me and have taken that it and did many many nights of self analysis.  I've been told I'm talented, smart, creative, beautiful, funny, and other things and I accept those things graciously.  However, I have been told that I'm lazy, unfocused, don't reach my potential, fearful, lack disciple, that I think I know everything, and other things that I hear and try to see if there is any truth in them before I react.

Bottom line is whether the person giving the criticism is doing so out of love or out of petty jealousy or just trying to hurt your feelings, we have the right to react but your reaction distinguishes your character, not the character of the person giving the critique.

You ever get the feeling that it's you and not them. 

Some days I still feel like that teenager who's afraid of the harshness of the world.  I think we all are just looking for someone or something to love to keep us internally grounded or we feel like we'll float away.  God, people, things, drama; we all have something we hold onto to keep us wanting to wake up each day. Unfortunately, many have lost that desire and thus deciding waking up again was a lost cause for them.  My heart aches for each soul that felt or feels that way.  I understand that feeling.  I have felt it.  I fight it everyday by searching with intent to find someone and something to love.  We are in a battle for life and soul sustainability.

With that said, sometimes I think I'm so inwardly focused that I can't see beyond my own feelings, even though I feel that I have been a good friend to others.  I do have to ask myself if it's me that has issues with people or do I pick the wrong friends or if the one I feel is my best friend doesn't love me enough to call me his best friend.  I would go crazy trying to figure out how other people feel so I try to only focus on what I feel and maybe that's a bit selfish and maybe even considered arrogant at times but I'm just Tru and there's not much I can do about it.  I've recently gotten in the habit of telling myself to let things go.  It's apart of my personal 'Pick Your Battle" campaign.  In these cases, it is I who chose how and when to react and I don't let others pull me into a reaction for their purpose.

I wish life was much simpler.


Some people don't want you to have faith in them. 

When people feel that you will disapprove some of the things they say and do and will pick a fight just so you can lose a little more faith in them.  By doing this they feel you won't hold them accountable for anything if you know they are not dependable.  This is a convenient way to get off the hook for being a decent person.  I have learned that people hate looking into mirrors held by other people.


Damned if you do; Damned if you don't.

Yeah. I really don't have anything else to say about that.  It's self-explanitory.


From a distance, that bottle floating in a water just looks like another ripple. 

I was riding to work on the bus yesterday and as we crossed the bridge I looked over the water and notices a small thing in the rippling water that looked like a plastic bottle.  Now of course I'm thinking of the environmental implications of the bottle being in the water but I noticed that if you didn't stare at it long enough, you would think it was simply another ripple in the water.

Being the person that I am, I started thinking how some of us are like floating bottles being mistaken for ripples in the water. We walk, live, talk, exist among a sea of content people who are satisfied with the status quo but every now and then someone looks hard enough and notices that we are not like everyone else.  Up close, it's obvious that we don't belong but from a distance we blend in, unknowingly, to be mistaken as just another part of the scene to be taken for granted.

I'm painting stripes on my bottle.  I bet you'll see me from a distance next time.

Convince yourself to be happy.

TRU

I have been irritated all day.  Have you ever had a day where it started off irritating and just kept that pace the entire day?  I hope not but in case you have, I feel your pain. My mind and spirit have been rattled a little but the constant for me today has been my music to keep me from randomly smacking people for random reasons or no reason at all.  No, I'm not violent but when you feel like I felt today you want a release. Screaming, swinging at the air, working out, anything that will let you get that feeling of frustration off your chest so it won't linger too long.  I spent most of the day traveling around my city on a wild goose chase and it may not have been so bad if my journey hadn't started out with me already annoyed.

I don't like when I'm upset. One of three things may happen.

1. I don't say anything...for a long time. Keeping things to myself is a habit. One reason, I have found out, is no one really cares most of the time what's bothering me so I keep it to myself. 
2. I speak my mind and have people piss me off a little more by telling me to calm down when I'm perfectly calm.  That can make me angrier than the initial reason I was angry.  Only a very selected few have ever seen me really go off and when I do, trust, THEN you really will want to tell me to calm down. 
3. I find a way to make myself feel better. I need not to be angry over small things because I have so many big things I'm trying not to be upset about so my energy is already accounted for. 

Anyway, throughout the day, I kept my mind and ears filled with music. Even at my most annoyed I sang my songs. My gospel, jazz, soul, and whatever I had on my ipod.  As the evening wrapped up, I found myself feeling better. Not completely over my issue but nevertheless, feeling better.  My niece and nephews came for a visit and because they are so silly, my mood had to change.  Sometimes you have to tell yourself to let things go so that you can move forward.  I could very well hold on to my frustrations but I have so many other areas of my life that could use that energy so I'm fine or as fine as I can be in my hot bedroom at 3:00AM.

I was listening to neosoulcafe.com (WHICH I LOOOOOOVE) and came across this video by Zo! called "Count to Five".  I just heard it for the first time about an hour ago and I am soooooo loving it! This song made me happy.  I also listen to Pharrell's song for the Despicable Me 2 soundtrack called "HAPPY".  Take a listen at http://soundcloud.com/juneya/happy-pharrell-fareal. This song truly makes me smile and want to dance.

Music has such power to assist our efforts to condition our emotions. Whether happy, sad, angry, in love, grateful or any emotion you have, there is a song that massages your heart, mind, and psyche.  I hope you all have some really "go to" happy songs because Lord knows, we all need them.

Be Blessed Loved Ones!

Stay TRU

ZO! - COUNT TO FIVE ft. GWEN BUNN & PHONTE (Official Music Video)

Enduring Your Weeping Hours

One of the loneliest and heaviest feelings I have ever experienced, by far, has been the overwhelming outpouring of tears through swollen eyelids, hurting head, heavy heart and hopeless emotions. Tonight, I don't have a heavy heart and I am not crying but I'm reflecting on past moments I have been terribly broken and I think of others who, in a single moment, can't handle pressure and break down. It could be a traumatic occurrence or something that is eating away at you in your daily life that causes such an emotional reaction. I was once asked "How do you prevent yourself from getting depressed?"  My reply, "I can't. I can, however, pray and begin to identify the triggers for depression when I'm not in a depressed state.  For me, it's more about the reaction to a sadness that can either send you spiraling into a depression or allow you to push through it, all the while acknowledging how you feel." There are no two people that handle depression the same but you can find a way to not be swallowed up by it. 

The last few days, I have been overcome with an need to improve, not just my way of life but my way of thinking about myself.  I'm not self-loathing or anything but many times I have felt like I'd been dealt a horrible hand in life and not just physically but emotionally.

I look at my face, my body, my hair and other things that I wish were so much different and I feel like the world is looking at me and hoping I'd go away.  It's hard when there is a standard of beauty or success that depends on how others view you.  The bad part is we take how we think others see us and infuse that into our thoughts about ourselves.  When you spend so much time feeling awkward about yourself, any and every other issue that comes your way is amplified because your emotions and self image are already delicate. 

Personally, I have learned that this version of Tru is what I have.  I can't make myself anyone else and I don't want to.  I have spent so much time wondering if I'm lovable that I forgot to answer my own question by loving myself. The people in the world who seek others because they feel I'm not good enough to love, accept or I don't fit into the kind of friend, partner, employee that they want have the right to seek another but it's how you handle the rejection that sends you into the depth of depression, if you allow it.  This weekend I have been watching many health documentaries and there was a doctor in one of the documentaries who said she tells her patients to look in the mirror every day and say this following affirmation: 

                        "I accept myself unconditionally, right now."

 I love this because when you start to appreciate you and the path you are one, you can start to reorganize your thoughts and emotion which ultimately leads to you revamping how you think of your journey forward and those that may or may not accompany you on your journey.  Some of us may walk the road alone but always accept yourself unconditionally as you are at this moment. That doesn't mean you don't want change and you will never get sad again but these little tips may just help you endure those weeping hours; one affirmation at a time.

You are strong.  You are beautiful. You are exactly who you are suppose to be right now and for everyone who turns away from you, there is someone coming towards you. Don't be afraid to accept yourself.  

Honesty.

Most times, when we speak of honesty, we speak of being honest with someone else regarding an uncomfortable topic that could potentially result in the other's dissatisfaction with our feelings, opinion or the pointing out of a denied fact.

Today, however, I am writing about honesty with one's own self. Realizing there has been a lapse in what you have allowed yourself to believe or deny is such a challenge for the average person but when you have to believe or deny facts about yourself, there lies the biggest challenge. No one wants to confess that they are flawed unless they are already self loathing or have a low self image but when you think you have it all together, how do you handle the fact that you aren't as together as you thought you were?

The first way to deal with understanding the truth about yourself is to know that you are human and can and/or will succumb to the same problems, obstacles, challenges, temptations, and vices that causes many people to fall.  Humanity, in its most basic definition, is flawed and that's why we can identify with one another with empathy. There is no perfect human because there will always be a level or skill or understanding that humans will not ever reach. Perfection is subjective therefore, there can never be a central control room that holds the perfect perfection formula for humanity.  People will fall. People will be wrong.  People will choose the wrong thing. People will dislike. People will argue. People will be tempted and people will give into some temptations.  In fact, some people will tell you that they love, what some consider, flaws. How can perfect people appreciate imperfection?  Is that even possible?

The second way to deal with understanding the truth about yourself is to stop expecting others to be perfect or understand you without knowing the depths of who you are.  For example, when we are relationships, we get upset if our significant other is not understanding enough or attentive enough about a particular situation that we have yet to communicate with them about. We also look for them to never mess up or never disagree and when the uncomfortable moment comes where we have to look at them in the eyes and disagree, before wanting to deal with that moment, many people just give up because they don't want to work at being transparent in front of someone. If you want relationship of nothing but happy times and agreement, you aren't being honest with yourself.

Another way to deal with being honest with yourself is acknowledging that sometimes you will have to alter your vision and your plans.  Whether it's a relationship that you can't bear to walk away from or if it's a career path that you decide isn't right for you.  Nothing about relationships or personal objectives are written in stone; unless, of course, you actually write it in stone and if that's the case...REALLY?  Thing change and people change and after chasing a goal for years or loving someone for a long time, you may realize that where you are in your life now isn't where you were when those relationships began.  There is nothing wrong with changing course as long as you change for the better.  Don't throw a relationship or goal away because it's difficult.  Alter how you approach your objectives and you may find a better way to deal with whatever obstacles you have without casualties.

The heart is a tricky thing.  We long for love and success and our emotions become addicted to that warm fond feeling of loving someone and having that love returned. In fact, some people are addicted to expressing love even when the other party has, in so many way, shown, expressed, or proven that they are not on the same wavelength you are when it comes to love and affection. Being honest with yourself may require you to look at your situation through someone else's eyes to point out thing that you have glazed over because you are sooooo in love or in soooooo much denial. I don't say this to say if someone else tells you something is wrong you just follow whatever they say but some times you are so deep in a situation that you can't see the broad scope of the situation.  Even when it comes to other personal choices like career or friends, we "feel" a certain way and go with it instead of thinking first.  Everyone should have that level-headed friend who thinks when you feel.  There is an old DeBarge song that I use to love called "The Heart is Not So Smart".  Some of the lyrics are:

"The heart's been broken, it's been bruised and it's been burned. So after that you think, 'Hey a lesson might be learned.' But you keep falling for those same lies every time. Sometimes, the heart can be so blind."

I love that song and have always carried that with me.  For example, I really want my bachelor's degree and I've been trying so hard for so long to get it.  My heart is growing weary because I feel like I'll never get it but I've learned to not be so dependent upon my heart and appreciated my mind for thinking  around my feelings.

Life isn't perfect and neither are we.  It's time to be honest about who we are because if we can't be completely honest about who we are, we can and will not be honest with anyone else about who we are. We spend so much time covering up who we are and our faults that we become so comfortable with the denial and the outright lies we tell ourselves and others.  The biggest problem we have is acknowledging our faults and lies and actually changing what and how we handle situations.  I have learned that some people are so comfortable that even though they know they are lying, they are more willing to continue with the self lies than change for the better.  some people will spend years lying instead of being honest and not having to worry about being "found out".

I have always said "You never have to lie your way out of honesty."

One love!