In one moment of selfishness revealed, not confessed, five masks fell from one face and God said "LOOK MY DAUGHTER. See and understand." I did just that not because I was blind but because I asked God to show me. Some of us who are victims of loving the unlovable do so because there is a longing to love and care within us that gives us hope even after we've been warned to run and don't look back. Sometimes we take heed and other times we run back into the storm hoping the shelter will be a little better this time and withstand the force of the strong winds. We hope that the love will be truly reciprocated and appreciated. We are made to feel that what we see is true but it turns out to be an illusion; a slight of hand trick is what we receive and the trickster will hold on to this illusion as long as they can without consideration to your feelings. I have watched a magic show for a long time now and now I see the extra cards up the sleeve; the mirror in the case; the false compartment that reveals the stored assistant in the disappearing act. I see everything.
The hit I just took is enough to make anyone declare war on the idea of love. It was enough to make anyone decide to never offer love again. It was enough to shield one's own heart from never being touched again. It was devastating. I, as well as others, questioned my certainty with staying in a relationship with this person and there is no answer that will satisfy anyone looking in from the outside. Only the heart knows why we do and accept things beyond the moments of understanding they should be let go of. There is a deadly and selfish trend that this society has embraced and cultivated as if it were a babe being trained to carry on its legacy. The appearance of love. We disguise our deception and selfish motives under the umbrella of "loving" someone but the selfish acts committed do not give way to the other's real love, feelings, loyalty, body, mind or soul. Worse is that this virus of a selfish agenda is ripping out the faith, confidence and belief that love is still possible.
The saddest part for me to come to grips with is that we cannot escape the deception because it is out of our hands. For me, I guess I saw this coming. I just didn't know when it would reach the point of no return. You hear many people talk about relationships and what they would do "if..." Well, unfortunately, the "if" has to happen in order for your action to be activated. It's so very sad that people are willing to throw away relationships with their children, family, friends, all for the sake of keeping a lie going. I would call it pride but you clearly can't be proud of yourself if you are a liar, cheater, perpetrator of love. Now I have to begin to work on restoring my heart to it's rightful condition. The healing begins today.
I promised myself I wasn't going to mourn the loss of this relationship but you mourn death and this is what it feels like. As great as I thought we were, I am now another statistic. I am, yet, another victim. What you may not know is I'm not surprised and saw it coming so my tears are few but I fear my heart will harden even more. After forgiving time and time again, the willingness to forgive starts to wear thin.
The message in this was that you can't save people even if you think you are doing some good. Some people have to exist without you. The lusts of the flesh and arrogance of man are powerful but will become all consuming and set you up for self-destruction. Unfortunately, the dedicated and loyal are often betrayed and casts aside with no consideration. Today, I will not look at it as being cast aside because I walked away.
Tonight, my prayers are with the four children affected. They are the ones who have to live with the legacy this man is going to leave them. I am really going to miss the ones I had the pleasure of getting to know and getting to love.
To my heart and mind, healing begins today. Move forward, don't look back but smile each day to remind yourself that you can and that God smiles on you. It will take time to heal but my hope, whether realistic or not, is to release him from my heart and mind. Seeing him again, at this time I don't know what I would do. I don't know if that sounds angry or not but that's how I feel now. I pity him. That's all I have left.
To the man who willingly and knowingly brought me to this place of chaos, anguish and pain...
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