“What happened in the past that was painful has a great deal to do with what we are today, but revisiting this painful past can contribute little or nothing to what we need to do now . . .” William Glasser
So...
As my last post stated, I just went through a painful breakup and I am aware of how raw emotions get when you breakup. Well, from simply from reading my post again, that was raw emotion. lol. Well, I meant every word but I also understand that you can dwell in the pain or you can fight your way back to a place of normalcy where you can go through a day without tears.
When I went through the breakup the last time, I cried more. For weeks you couldn't speak to me without me crying. I listened to the same Janelle Monet song over and over again. I felt like the song was being physically absorbed through my skin and into my heart and in exchange, my life energy was seeping out through my tears. It was excruciating and in hind sight, pathetic. lol.
When you love someone and the relationship ends, it is as if you are experiencing a death and you grieve. However, this breakup was different and though I have cried, the crying isn't automatic. It happens when I think of the so many great times we shared built on deception. Sigh. I think of the shared laughter and how great we understood each other but there is always the side that isn't revealed. Sometimes that side isn't that bad but when it's bad, it's bad. Not like murder bad but very disappointing. I sat and thought of how much fun we had. I thought of all the encouragement I received. I thought about the holding of hands, the sharing of dreams and how I didn't want to breakup but felt it was out of my hands and then I cried. I let myself cry because I have loved, love and will always love him. I think that deserves a few tears.
You will always have people who were not in your relationship who hear the reason why you broke up and say "Forget him. He's no good. He's not worth your tears. Never talk to him again. You'll find better." The truth is he may not be worth my tears but the love that was experienced then lost and will never regain is worth mourning over. Like I said, I was angry when I wrote my last post but because I know and understand him, I'm not angry anymore. I'm just sorry this is where we are now.
I remember the moment I realized he had a place in my heart. It was 1991 and even through the years we lost touch, the love was always there. The lesson here is sometimes love should remain in the heart. I don't regret loving him. Where ever his life leads him, I just pray for him. As for me, my tears will fade just as the memory of the affectionate pet names that we gave each other, Sunday breakfast dates, movie nights, art discussions, lunch at the top of the world, plans for the future and most of all, I won't have the random hyperventilating cry like I tend to break into (lol) but one thing I won't do is pretend that I didn't love him. I will not act like he didn't love me in some way. The point of forgiveness is to acknowledge and let go so you can move forward. I am okay with that. Everyone deals with tragedy in their own way and this broken love is tragic to me.
sigh.
:)
This time I smile more. This time I say "we had fun". This time I say "I did love you. I do love you. I will learn to love again."
Love is good. I have to learn to trust again but that's a story for another time.
As my last post stated, I just went through a painful breakup and I am aware of how raw emotions get when you breakup. Well, from simply from reading my post again, that was raw emotion. lol. Well, I meant every word but I also understand that you can dwell in the pain or you can fight your way back to a place of normalcy where you can go through a day without tears.
When I went through the breakup the last time, I cried more. For weeks you couldn't speak to me without me crying. I listened to the same Janelle Monet song over and over again. I felt like the song was being physically absorbed through my skin and into my heart and in exchange, my life energy was seeping out through my tears. It was excruciating and in hind sight, pathetic. lol.
When you love someone and the relationship ends, it is as if you are experiencing a death and you grieve. However, this breakup was different and though I have cried, the crying isn't automatic. It happens when I think of the so many great times we shared built on deception. Sigh. I think of the shared laughter and how great we understood each other but there is always the side that isn't revealed. Sometimes that side isn't that bad but when it's bad, it's bad. Not like murder bad but very disappointing. I sat and thought of how much fun we had. I thought of all the encouragement I received. I thought about the holding of hands, the sharing of dreams and how I didn't want to breakup but felt it was out of my hands and then I cried. I let myself cry because I have loved, love and will always love him. I think that deserves a few tears.
You will always have people who were not in your relationship who hear the reason why you broke up and say "Forget him. He's no good. He's not worth your tears. Never talk to him again. You'll find better." The truth is he may not be worth my tears but the love that was experienced then lost and will never regain is worth mourning over. Like I said, I was angry when I wrote my last post but because I know and understand him, I'm not angry anymore. I'm just sorry this is where we are now.
I remember the moment I realized he had a place in my heart. It was 1991 and even through the years we lost touch, the love was always there. The lesson here is sometimes love should remain in the heart. I don't regret loving him. Where ever his life leads him, I just pray for him. As for me, my tears will fade just as the memory of the affectionate pet names that we gave each other, Sunday breakfast dates, movie nights, art discussions, lunch at the top of the world, plans for the future and most of all, I won't have the random hyperventilating cry like I tend to break into (lol) but one thing I won't do is pretend that I didn't love him. I will not act like he didn't love me in some way. The point of forgiveness is to acknowledge and let go so you can move forward. I am okay with that. Everyone deals with tragedy in their own way and this broken love is tragic to me.
sigh.
:)
This time I smile more. This time I say "we had fun". This time I say "I did love you. I do love you. I will learn to love again."
Love is good. I have to learn to trust again but that's a story for another time.
Stay TRU Loved ones!
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