Can a sister get a future?

It's 3am and I have a lot on my mind. Today has been quite a roller coaster.  I think the initial feelings of anger have subsided and the feelings of disappointment of the last week has settled. I decided to start this chapter of my life by saying "Yes" more.  I have joined a gym and went to my first zumba fitness class. I was excited to do something I hadn't done before. I have Zumba at home but hadn't been to a class. It was quite intense. After I finished the class, I found myself to be more emotional than I thought I'd be.

This journey will be a long one and not an easy one but I'm willing to do what I have to do to be happy.  As I left the gym, I caught the bus with two others in my Zumba class  and had a very inspirational conversation with a woman who has been working hard with her weight loss and it encouraged me to stick with it. I'm excited.

I have felt like I've been wandering around the city in the haze for the last week. There was time for me to assess my next move. I plan to travel. I looked at my passport and the last international stamp was in June 2004. I'm overdue for a trip. I usually rely on having someone else to go with me. I'm learning that I have to just go where I need to or want to go even if some places I'll have to go alone. I will probably recruit my sister. Finding work, finishing my books, finding a place to live are my priorities. People kept asking me over the last few years if I was still planning to move to NY. We'll see.

I just want everyone to be happy and in my effort to make others happy, I have neglected my own happiness.  To be honest, I was very happy many days but there is an overall quality of life that I didn't focus on.  I am responsible for my joy. When you assign responsibility for your happiness to someone else they can and most times will let you down. I am responsible for my joy. My joy is my own. Tonight, I have an eerily peaceful disposition. I was in love. I am still in love however, I have to shift the object of my affection back to my heart and my gifts God has given me to be successful. I choose prosperity.

I don't know how new friends will play into my future since I don't have much trust in people anymore so this will be challenging for me. As always, I have to step up to my challenge. We'll see where I go.  I have also decided that my "woe is me" blogs are done for this season of heartbreak. lol. I will be more uplifting and happy from this point on. Real life requires real perspective on our circumstances and life happens but you don't have to let it keep you down.  In the eternal words of James Brown, "E'vrybody get up! (get on up)"

I'm up now LET'S GO GET IT!!!

RLRR...
B@PEACE
STAY TRU

Smile

Smiles are contagious unless it's a smile from the creepy clown that invades your nightmares and as of recent some roadside in some random US city. smh

This has been an extremely tough week but I have to keep telling myself, "smile" even when I don't feel like I will ever smile again.

Seems strange? Crazy? Unorthodox? Well, yes it is but when you are stuck in a place that starts feeling familiar and comfortable and you know you can't stay there, sometimes it takes something unorthodox to pull you out and place you back where you need to be.

Have you smiled today?

Why it is important to share a smile.

I saw so many baby girls today with their mothers. Some were so adorable with their mothers and made me smile and a few of the sightings upset my spirit. Not the babies but the relationship the mother was cultivating with the child. What I saw was one mother kissing her baby (about 3-5 months old) and in this stage the coo cooing is going on and you just love the baby and she's so so cute. Then I saw a little girl with her mother and siblings and the mother was on the cell phone while the little girl was bouncing around the train with her sister then the mother grabbed the girl and basically cussed her out like she was an adult. When she grabbed the child, the child almost bucked back at her but the look on the child's face reflected the attitude the mother had. It felt like they both were saying "I can't stand you." The mother did say something very negative to her but the entire episode upset my spirit.

If you don't know this about me, I don't have any children but I love them. I have had mixed feelings about having children but I have always wanted a daughter. I wanted her to have what I didn't have as a child, teenager and adult. As it stands, I am prepared to accept that children were not in my plan. This sometimes bother me because I feel that I won't have anyone to carry on any type of legacy I may have. It's hurtful when you think about it but I have accepted it. I'll be 40 years old this year and I am currently single so there is a great chance I will never have babies of my own. I haven't ruled it out but medical issues also play a role in my acceptance.

I look at these women and men with these children and though it sounds hokey and old school, these children are really our future. They are our present. These little girls will grow to be girlfriends and maybe wives and mothers. Are we equipping our baby girls with the love and support they will need to come to us when they need help and when they need answers in difficult times or are we setting them up to handle life the best way they know how which may not include love, support, wisdom and security? This same question goes for boys also but our girls;

Are we completely preparing them for what's to come?

In tough times and in their pain, do they feel like they can come to you?

Do you or have you shown them the kind of affection that lets them know that your arms are safe for them to fall into and cry?

Have you ever mentioned loving them so they feel that even if the world treats them mean, there is somewhere they can go to for love?

What are we giving to our baby girls? Even if they are teenagers, young adults or adult mothers, to someone, they are still baby girls.

In my observation, when the young mother was manhandling her daughter, I noticed a young girl standing on the train and she was looking at the little girl. As the little girl stared at her with what appeared to be a blank and unknowing facial expression, the young girl standing waved at her with a smile and said "Hi."  The little girl's expression never changed. The young girl kept waving and saying "Hi".  No change in expression.  What is in the life of this baby that she has such sorry on her face? I don't know her mother and she may love her but if you are willing to be that abrasive to her in public, imaging the environment at home. I'm not judging. I'm just saying I don't understand how people aren't loving on these babies. I know, someone are a handful and make you want to scream but they are still babies.

I love these little babies but they aren't mine and I have no control over how they are loved at home but we all need to be emotionally available in case we are sitting on the train and see a little girl with that expression. Will you have enough love in you to share a moment of it with a smile to a little girl who may not otherwise receive any?

Healing

“What happened in the past that was painful has a great deal to do with what we are today, but revisiting this painful past can contribute little or nothing to what we need to do now . . .” William Glasser

So...

As my last post stated, I just went through a painful breakup and I am aware of how raw emotions get when you breakup. Well, from simply from reading my post again, that was raw emotion. lol. Well, I meant every word but I also understand that you can dwell in the pain or you can fight your way back to a place of normalcy where you can go through a day without tears.

When I went through the breakup the last time, I cried more. For weeks you couldn't speak to me without me crying. I listened to the same Janelle Monet song over and over again. I felt like the song was being physically absorbed through my skin and into my heart and in exchange, my life energy was seeping out through my tears. It was excruciating and in hind sight, pathetic. lol.

When you love someone and the relationship ends, it is as if you are experiencing a death and you grieve. However, this breakup was different and though I have cried, the crying isn't automatic. It happens when I think of the so many great times we shared built on deception. Sigh. I think of the shared laughter and how great we understood each other but there is always the side that isn't revealed. Sometimes that side isn't that bad but when it's bad, it's bad. Not like murder bad but very disappointing. I sat and thought of how much fun we had. I thought of all the encouragement I received. I thought about the holding of hands, the sharing of dreams and how I didn't want to breakup but felt it was out of my hands and then I cried. I let myself cry because I have loved, love and will always love him. I think that deserves a few tears.

You will always have people who were not in your relationship who hear the reason why you broke up and say "Forget him. He's no good. He's not worth your tears. Never talk to him again. You'll find better." The truth is he may not be worth my tears but the love that was experienced then lost and will never regain is worth mourning over. Like I said, I was angry when I wrote my last post but because I know and understand him, I'm not angry anymore. I'm just sorry this is where we are now.

I remember the moment I realized he had a place in my heart. It was 1991 and even through the years we lost touch, the love was always there. The lesson here is sometimes love should remain in the heart. I don't regret loving him. Where ever his life leads him, I just pray for him. As for me, my tears will fade just as the memory of the affectionate pet names that we gave each other, Sunday breakfast dates, movie nights, art discussions, lunch at the top of the world, plans for the future and most of all, I won't have the random hyperventilating cry like I tend to break into (lol) but one thing I won't do is pretend that I didn't love him. I will not act like he didn't love me in some way. The point of forgiveness is to acknowledge and let go so  you can move forward. I am okay with that. Everyone deals with tragedy in their own way and this broken love is tragic to me.

sigh.

:)
This time I smile more. This time I say "we had fun". This time I say "I did love you. I do love you. I will learn to love again."

Love is good. I have to learn to trust again but that's a story for another time. 

Stay TRU Loved ones!

Identifying real love

When I think of the idea of love and what it means, I usually lean towards the definition of "love" based on the Holy Scriptures, however, we live in a society where the word "love" is as transparent as a one ply square of toilet paper.

In one moment of selfishness revealed, not confessed, five masks fell from one face and God said "LOOK MY DAUGHTER. See and understand."  I did just that not because I was blind but because I asked God to show me. Some of us who are victims of loving the unlovable do so because there is a longing to love and care within us that gives us hope even after we've been warned to run and don't look back. Sometimes we take heed and other times we run back into the storm hoping the shelter will be a little better this time and withstand the force of the strong winds.  We hope that the love will be truly reciprocated and appreciated. We are made to feel that what we see is true but it turns out to be an illusion; a slight of hand trick is what we receive and the trickster will hold on to this illusion as long as they can without consideration to your feelings. I have watched a magic show for a long time now and now I see the extra cards up the sleeve; the mirror in the case; the false compartment that reveals the stored assistant in the disappearing act. I see everything. 

The hit I just took is enough to make anyone declare war on the idea of love. It was enough to make anyone decide to never offer love again. It was enough to shield one's own heart from never being touched again. It was devastating. I, as well as others, questioned my certainty with staying in a relationship with this person and there is no answer that will satisfy anyone looking in from the outside. Only the heart knows why we do and accept things beyond the moments of understanding they should be let go of. There is a deadly and selfish trend that this society has embraced and cultivated as if it were a babe being trained to carry on its legacy. The appearance of love. We disguise our deception and selfish motives under the umbrella of "loving" someone but the selfish acts committed do not give way to the other's real love, feelings, loyalty, body, mind or soul. Worse is that this virus of a selfish agenda is ripping out the faith, confidence and belief that love is still possible. 

The saddest part for me to come to grips with is that we cannot escape the deception because it is out of our hands. For me, I guess I saw this coming. I just didn't know when it would reach the point of no return. You hear many people talk about relationships and what they would do "if..." Well, unfortunately, the "if" has to happen in order for your action to be activated. It's so very sad that people are willing to throw away relationships with their children, family, friends, all for the sake of keeping a lie going. I would call it pride but you clearly can't be proud of yourself if you are a liar, cheater, perpetrator of love. Now I have to begin to work on restoring my heart to it's rightful condition. The healing begins today. 

I promised myself I wasn't going to mourn the loss of this relationship but you mourn death and this is what it feels like. As great as I thought we were, I am now another statistic. I am, yet, another victim. What you may not know is I'm not surprised and saw it coming so my tears are few but I fear my heart will harden even more. After forgiving time and time again, the willingness to forgive starts to wear thin.  

The message in this was that you can't save people even if you think you are doing some good. Some people have to exist without you. The lusts of the flesh and arrogance of man are powerful but will become all consuming and set you up for self-destruction. Unfortunately, the dedicated and loyal are often betrayed and casts aside with no consideration. Today, I will not look at it as being cast aside because I walked away. 

Tonight, my prayers are with the four children affected. They are the ones who have to live with the legacy this man is going to leave them. I am really going to miss the ones I had the pleasure of getting to know and getting to love. 

To my heart and mind, healing begins today. Move forward, don't look back but smile each day to remind yourself that you can and that God smiles on you. It will take time to heal but my hope, whether realistic or not, is to release him from my heart and mind. Seeing him again, at this time I don't know what I would do. I don't know if that sounds angry or not but that's how I feel now. I pity him. That's all I have left.

To the man who willingly and knowingly brought me to this place of chaos, anguish and pain...

_____________________________________________________________________________

Time for the yearly RESET!

Here we are again! We have reached the end of another calendar year and we take a little time to take stock in what has happened over the last 12 month,  the goals accomplished as well as the marks that were missed. Some of our yearly "resolutions" fall short because we, first, become so disappointed that we may not have been able to complete every task we resolved to do that we say "I'm going to change EVERYTHING  in the coming year and when we are at Dec. 31st, we look at our check list and see that most of what we wanted to do, we didn't. We start to find excuses or feel bad because we feel like our lives haven't moved fast or far enough. For some of us, we have gone through a few major changes in your lives but the changes are so big that they changed everything. When 2013 rolled in, we had such high hopes. The fact that we had no idea what could happen left some excited and others a little worried. Now that an entire year has wrapped up, I'm curious to know; 

What will you place on your "to do"  or "to be" list for 2014?

 
It seems for years, most people have made health and fitness a priority for change in the new year. I have stopped giving myself that same new years resolution of losing weight or getting to a certain size. The reason why is because when I don't move fast enough or things don't go as planned with my checklist, in the end, I have built myself up to feel a sense of failure which, in turn, could be very demotivating. I want to be encouraged and encourage myself as much as I can.

Why are we setting ourselves up for self condemnation?

Instead of making New Years resolutions, I resolve on a daily basis to be better than the day before. My goal is not always physical, though health and fitness will always be an objective for me, and I try to make goals that are realistic for the short term time frame I have to accomplish them. I focus on the short term goals because they all make up the long term goal and when you focus on the long term goal too much, you begin to look beyond the immediate tasks, thus causing the frustration and feelings of failure.

2013 has been a pretty tough year for me in almost every way imaginable but the best part about it is that I'm here at the threshold of a new year to say, despite my feelings or what I may have or may not have accomplished, I get to reset the clock. I basically reset my clock each morning when I wake up but the symbolism behind the New Year reset is significant because it gives us a chance to look at our year in regards to what we have done to fulfill our purpose on this earth. Pretty general and grand view but it's a good view to see.

For some of us, we have lost loved ones and we take the time to remember them and know that although they may not step into 2014 with us, their spirit, memories, and love transcends time and space. As long as we are, they will always be.

For others, we look at our careers. Positive or negative, we look at the changes or lack thereof and mentally assess our efforts. Some of us pushed to make our marks. Some of us missed our marks and some never took a step. When we look at the overall year in review, we make mental notes (and some physical notes) as to what to do differently this year.

We must not forget to assess our spirit. What have we learned about ourselves? What have we learned about our connection to God? Do you have a connection to God? How do we treat each other? Have we learned to let go of our own understanding and lean unto God's purpose for our lives? Have we asked God for guidance to understanding our purpose? Have you stopped and listened for an answer to your question or did you make moves based on your own decisions? How did that work out for you?

We have so many shoulda, coulda, woulda statements we could make but ultimately the biggest and most important questions are "Where are you now?" and "How do you proceed?"

The great thing about resetting the calendar is that it's like opening the door to a banquet hall and seeing a feast of possibility. Some of those things, you may never even touch or get to taste but there are very specific things you know you will put on your place. Some you will share with the people at your table. Some things you will keep to yourself. Some of those people seated at your table won't be there long, others may leave to go sit at another table with someone else, and some will walk with you and enjoy the banquet.  No matter what happens at this banquet, it's up to you to have a good time and enjoy the bounty given.

I say that to say this.  Enjoy the prospect of great things happening in your life this year. Yesterday will never come return, no matter how much you wish for it. Tomorrow isn't not etched in stone yet so it's okay to make your plans but always know that as long as you stand in today, things can change.

The only thing that is constant is change.   

My personal prayer for TRU is increased faith, a return to my first love, and continued clarity of who I am and my purpose. I have no idea what the future holds but I do know this; God's grace has always been sufficient for me. He has guided me through storms, walked with me in the sunshine, sat with me in my loneliness, smiled with me in my happy times and comforted me in sickness and sadness. I pray to be able to be an example of how wonderful He has been, is and continue to be in my life.

Loved ones, though we may not share the same goals, always understand that you probably know more than you think so use that knowledge to coax your emotions when you "feel" too much. I know that sounds weird but since we tend to act on our emotions, sometimes we need to assess ourselves and situations, not by how we feel but by what we know.

In 2014, listen more, laugh louder, love with all you have even when people say you shouldn't. Be a light in a dark place for someone who needs it, even if it's yourself. Don't just love but BE LOVE, PERSONIFIED! Give more without always expecting a physical return. One thing to remember is that people may not react or meet your expectations but then again, you may not meet the mark others have placed on you. Love people for who they are. Understanding or having an open mind is not necessarily acceptance of all things but it allows you to understand that our differences can be the things that draw us closer.

Go to God with an expectation of blessings. He is a promise keeper.  Remember, He works on HIS time, not ours so don't lose faith. Your help is on the way.

I love you guys and I pray 2013 was awesome and that 2014 brings you great joy!


With that said...LET'S RING IN THE NEW YEAR!!! Here's a toast to 2013!  May you always be remembered fondly, with laughter, love and smiles!!!

B@Peace!

TRU Essence

Don't accept that unhappiness is inevitable.

With all that is going on in my life right now, family, relationships, personal career decisions, etc., I had a very real reality check today that has been very thought provoking. So much so that there are many decisions that must be made immediately so that I can clear my path.

Where am I going?  Right now, I'm not quite sure but the road I'm on has a sign that says "Next sign 50 miles ahead." I think I need to keep going to see what the next sign says. It's like that strange stinky smell in the refrigerator. You smell it, you don't want to smell it but you have to keep smelling it so you can find out what it is and get rid of it. I don't know if that's the right analogy but I hope you get what I'm saying. lol

A friend of mine had a heart attach and I went to see them in the hospital. First of all, a heart attach is a shock in and of itself but when the person is only 32 years old, it's definitely an eye opener.


We talked about moving forward in our lives in happiness and maintaining a minimum level of stress and worry. I have to say I was both happy and sad when I left because I do long for happiness and I know I am responsible for my own. I was also sad because the conversation was definitely a reality check for myself. Sometimes you have to say the words aloud so that the idea, the decision, or the task can become a real thing. speaking it into existence; breathing life into a certain thing may be required in order to follow the steps to happiness that lay before you. Many times we know what we need to do to get to thenext level of our lives but we pause, hesitate or stop completely when the words are spoken and the reality is placed before us. That all to familiar hesitation is the red flag letting you know that this "thing" is going to be uncomfortable or it's something you'd rather not have to do but it has to be done.

Everyone has to overcome obstacle from time to time in life but he most important thing is to approach that "thing" and tell yourself "I can move this." 

Crazy thing is some of those things in our path didn't get there by accident. We positioned them there thinking it will be easy to move when the time comes but we are finding it difficult to move or maneuver around this "thing". Well, some things take time to get over, around, under and away from but it can be done. Even if you have to cry or scream your way through the challenge, just keep going.

One of the biggest obstacles many face is the familiar fear of change. Sometimes the muddy waters get comfortable but the time to cleanse will come and you have to step out of that muck and into some fresh water. This is also true about habits that we have embraced that jeopardizes the outcome of our journey. We get one chance to walk this road. We don't move sideways or backwards; only forward.

How do you want to proceed?

Life has the potential to be very productive, loving, comforting and all the other things that are happy fun ha ha times but with the good also come trials, stress and harsh decisions about ourselves and others. Those times are as critical to your journey as the good times. Try not to avoid them but receive the growth that comes after you have come through.

Love is a very possible outcome. Happiness is a very possible outcome. Joy is a very possible outcome. No matter how hard the climate is right now, know that good can be found in harsh conditions. Keep moving forward and you'll find it.

B@Peace!
TRU

Letting go and moving on with love

Many people relate to the idea of letting go and moving on as letting go of a person in your life and moving towards the future with someone new. This concept is even more true when relating it to letting go of an idea of yourself and who you use to be to accept and absorb the new self you are becoming. Sometimes, when we are making changes for the better in our lives, this may or may not include letting go of the people we have become accustomed to.  These "friends" or family members who have a specific type of venom that cannot be traced and is slowly seeping into your system without you feeling the sting all at once. I'll provide examples of what I mean later but for now let's talk about our personal objectives for ourselves.

I believe that the choices we make are directly connected to the level of love we have for ourselves. When you love yourself, you want good things to happen in your life and you will do all you can to endure the bad times to eventually return to the good. You crave to be with and around people who will see that love and encourage happiness in your life. I'm not saying be a narcissist but just seeking a level of joy in your life that is not just on the surface. The joy that gets you through the darkest of times when no one else is there. That "God" joy. Have you ever noticed that most of the drama in your life may include the same handful of people? If there is drama in your life with EVERYONE, maybe you should evaluate your part in it. You may be the source of this never ending cycle of drama. IJS.

But if you are not the source of all that is dramatic, there are people with whom you surround yourself with that, simply put, are not good for your life.

Some people need to be loved from a distance.

When you are trying to do great things in your life, you need to be surrounded by people who are not only doing great things in their lives but who push you towards your goals in positivity and love.  Hanging around the folks who will facilitate that which can only make you fall backwards or stand still are not beneficial influences. Let's say, FOR EXAMPLE, you're a guy who is in a relationship and your friends know that you are, those same friends should be happy that you're happy and want to see your relationship prosper not illuminate those things that may cause your relationship to fail. There is something wrong when all a guy can talk about with his "boys" is sex and sharing nude photos of other women with him. This influence could jeopardize a "good" relationship.

The idea of living vicariously through a single friend is dangerous because guys (or ladies) start to believe they are missing out on something so what do we do, we try to sneak and test the waters while in a relationship. We have to take personal responsibility for what we choose to surround ourselves with.  That "friend" has no respect for your relationship if he is encouraging you to even lust after or look at other women just because he's on the prowl. It doesn't matter what you did in the past, when you seek to start a new path, you have to walk down a new road. You can't walk down two roads at the same time. That's being double minded and that has no place in a relationship. Be the influence instead of the influenced.

What and who influences you and your relationships???

That was the first example.

I once had a friend who was married and her husband was a pretty okay guy. She had another friend from her wild youthful days that she use to hang out with. This young lady was known for being a negative influence on my former friend. When the two of them would go out drinking, the friend encouraged my friend to talk to other men. She would actually set her up with other men but as I always say,

"In order for someone to influence you to do something, a part of you already has a desire for that particular action.".

My former friend's husband knew this about her friend and for that and whatever other reasons, he didn't like that friend. Now, he loved me! lolol. Because he felt better when I would go out with her. He knew I was not going to be a negative influence on her.  This other women saw that my former friend was married but she, herself, was miserable. Let's just say that my former friend decided one day not to be my friend anymore. I later found out that she has since divorced. I never found out why but when you allow negative influences in your life, it has a way for changing your course.

Ladies, because your friends are miserable doesn't mean you have to share in their misery or allow that spirit to permeate your life.. There are many women looking for the bad in your relationship because they have had damaging experiences but be aware of the signs of the constant interference in your relationships. If you are happy about your relationship, the friend who want to see you happy will be happy for and with you. Unless the person you're dating is harming you or a negative influence, your friend should want to be happy for you. They will be all too ready to rejoice if something goes wrong in your relationships and ready to say “See? I told you so.”

Often times, and I've experienced this myself, when you are happy and your friends aren't happy in their own relationships, they don't seek to find out why and how you are happy, they want to pull you down to their unhappy realm of existence. If they change the subject on you when you're sharing with them or something as simple as their facial expressions exuding envy, jealousy or just wishing your happiness would go away, those are red flags to watch. I'm not saying just drop them as friends but assess how the attitudes of these "friends" are influencing the decisions you make for yourself and your relationship.

Bottom line is this, to move forward, you have to let go of some of the things and people who have weighed you down in the past. If they aren't walking with you, they are preventing you from moving. Again, this doesn't mean you stop loving them. In fact, I would even try to get the to walk with you down the road of fulfillment but if they choose not to, that's something they'll have to deal with.

To elevate to a new level you must leave the comforts of the level you are on.  Some will elevate with you. Others can only watch you as you rise. Don't feel bad. Some may catch up with you but if not, you stay the course. Love is work. There is nothing easy about it. Jesus died and left the loved ones on this side of time because of how deeply he loved us. I'm not asking you to die, just re-position yourself.


My prayer is that you will find happiness on your path and those around you will encourage you in your joy. Loved ones, it's been real. :)