Holding My Breath

Holding My Breath
by TRU Essence

I whispered the secret of love and life in her ear
but the volume of life happening around her was too loud
we poured into each other the kind of energy that takes a blow yet gets stronger
kinetic like, without ceasing
I couldn't convince her, without words, that love took shape and turned into something unexpected

She wouldn't have believed me
She didn't want to believe me
we, as in her and me,
we, as in the existence, us all
we are selfish to love like we do
I am selfish to love like I do
always hoping that I am loved in return
and always find disappointment because that love is never returned
it's my own fault to love the way I do
to want love the way I do
so undeserving
are we ever deserving of the love that we receive
if received
how arrogant of me to think love is deserved
No great deeds have I done to be graced with something
so deeply saturated with the joy and desire of melting calm
falling backward into comfort wrapped arms
a life of turmoil for a moment
just a moment to be selfish enough to want to be loved
just a moment to be arrogant enough to expect to be loved
just a moment to be disappointed enough to know that love has lost my address
I'm falling backward but no one is there
I
I
I
How selfish of me to want to love her just to feel love in return
how arrogant of me to think I'm due what I truly desire
to see her face to face and know that in her eyes, I swam
in her heart, I bathed
In her mind, I roamed
In her life, I stood
awaiting instructions
how foolish is it for me to love her
knowing  that not knowing would destroy me
but still

Banjo Baby Days

Banjo Baby Days

Another poem by TRU Essence

Plucked against the wishes of yesterday’s expectations

Life heads in a direction all its own

We hear random sounds in the distance that resemble the strumming of a favorite tune

Forever resonating beyond the forests filled with numbered memories

Soon to be forgotten

With hands in our cotton-lined pockets

We stroll down the streets where the souls of yesterday rest on the branches of the new developments

Looking over us

Looking out for us

Looking into us

Seeing the things we keep from everyone else

But they see

They see it all

They see the smile on the faces of those of us who hear the familiar melody being strummed perfectly

to the beat of our footsteps and we smile

And they smile

And we all slowly fade away

For What It's Worth

For What it's Worth
Another poem by Tru Essence

For what it's worth I tried to care
I wanted to care
I held care closer than a heartbeat some days
Slow motion laughter accompanied a caress of love
The way we spoke of love without saying words
The way we made life feel amazing amidst our individual and collective struggles
Your struggle was mine and mine yours

It was different 
We were different
Who was I with you
A girl made of glass
Sometimes smudged
Sometimes too fragile to handle 
Yet withstood torrential downpours threatening my structure

I, she, we still stood
We were different

For what it's worth
Love never completely leaves
Love prioritizes my needs
Love chooses me when no one else does
Love is not selfish but refuses to let me self-destruct
It is the cause and cure of every ache my soul has endured

Children can wipe away tears before they fall
We never quite returned to that understanding
"I don't want to see you hurt"
A child that consoles knows more secrets to life than the old and the foolish

We cradled hope in shared thoughts until one day one of us let go
Maybe both
Maybe love was
Maybe love won't again
But for what it's worth
I wanted to care
I held care closer than a heartbeat some days
Until there was no rhythm left to hear

Unrequited - Part II (Dreaming by Day)

Unrequited - Part II (Dreaming by Day)
Written by the same as the Part I



I dream of her
awake
I see, in the distance, a silhouette of perfection
drawing closer to see the truth of my desire
love is nice
desire is lovely
obsession is bondage
she holds me captive from a distance
from a distance, I can feel her turn away
and pretend not to see me
pretend not to hear me
pretend not to know me
she pulls me apart at the seams for her pleasure
she is amused that I care
she is amused that I dare think of her

I think of her

I realize that each thought weakens me
my strength lies in not knowing her
not thinking
not feeling
not wanting
my strength lies in my ability to disappear
so I will disappear
only that she may find me from a distance
unintentionally

Unrequited - Part I (Unrequited Love)

Unrequited - Part I
(Unrequited Love)
Written by TRU Essence

she popped into my head
I don't want to think about her
but she's there
raven hair, deep eyes and peach lips as soft and shimmering as the sunlight dancing upon the ripples of deep water
taking up space in my thoughts
space reserved for holding the secret of the universe
the space reserved for love and love reciprocated
she just strolls in and without a word, commands my attention
I should feel, I don't know
joy?
happiness?
desire, maybe?
but, alas, I feel rejection,
fear, shame and, to some extent, chastened

what did I do wrong, other than be myself?
am I wrong?
not in deed or speech; thoughts or feelings
but am I wrong for being myself?
the me that I think I am or the me that I think I want to be
the taste of rejection is bitter, no sweet
I cringe to think my thoughts became audible

now she knows
she knows what has been hidden for so long and
it has been dismissed as folly
she walked away with my soul and never turned around
to see me fall to the ground

At some point the pain has to end.

Well, Damn, New Year!

So I have a funky attitude with the new year. It's already January 17, 2018. Where the HELL did all the time go??? lol

In two days, a little boy that I held in my arms, fed, babysat, changed his diaper, watched him grow into a teenage smartass, will be 18 years old. My nephew will be 18 freaking years old. I love that kid. He will be going off to college in the fall and I am pushing him to go to St. Johns in Brooklyn. He has been accepted into I think 3 of the 8 or 9 schools he's applied to. He's waiting to hear back from the others. I'm a little biased and want him to go to New York because that's where I wanted to go in 1992 when I graduated. I have always felt like I belonged in NY and now that I am older I feel like I've wasted most of my adult life being afraid to chase my dream. I have. I don't want him to regret anything. Try. Experience. Win. Lose. Fail BIG (because if you are going to fail, do it big so you can learn as much as you can and be better), Succeed EVEN BIGGER! Work hard. Play Harder!

I want him to make it to my age and see a trail of his living legacy developing and have evidence that he is living life. I, as I stand now, simply exist. Moving forward, I will live without any new regrets but I have so many in the past, they will last for the remainder of this lifetime. He is a young man now and will make his own decisions and now is when we all, his parents and family, release our grip of protection and pray that he has absorbed the knowledge we have all given him to make wise decisions. Knowing he will make mistakes (that's a part of the growth process) we hope he is wise enough to learn from them and make better choices. I'm excited for him and terribly nervous. I don't have children and will not have any but he was the first baby I was able to care for and be a part of their journey, outside of my younger brother who is 10 years younger than I.

I just want to say, this post was not supposed to be about him but since he's on my mind, I shall write. 

Next up is my young niece who I'm pretty sure will end up in NY. She's a dancer. My young nephew of 12 years, I see him in LA at an art school. He's a lil smartass too. He has Asperger's Syndrome so I don't think right now his parents or even he sees himself going away but he is a smart kid and he has family in LA. Then there is the 2-year-old. smh This boy! lol Smart, cute, dramatic tough Gemini of a child. This one had better become an actor or lawyer or something where performance is required or a MMA fighter. That boy is tough as nails. lol He is a trip and a half.


This is my crew. As time goes by, I see them less and less. They become busier and busier. They take longer to text back. Well, my niece does but the 17-year-old is always on his phone so he gets right back to you immediately. lol

I think of how I'm not really close to any of my aunts or uncles simply because we visited them sometimes as kids but we came home to DC. They lived in Virginia, NY, TX, etc. We didn't invest lots of time knowing them as people. Well, I mean outside of knowing they are our aunts and uncles. These four we have, they know us. They grew up seeing us often, being taken care of by us and being chastised by us as well. I guess I don't want to lose that closeness but they are growing up. It's what happens. I'm gonna miss them all as kids. They were pretty great kids. Now they will be amazing adults. Damn, I'm getting old: better but still getting old.

You can't turn back the hands of time but you can ride into the future like a mf boss!!!! They will be amazing. I will be amazing. Since none of my sisters nor I had children, looks like it's on these 4 to keep the legacy going on our end. I have another nephew that I haven't seen in some years since I hear I had another sister. That's a story for another time but I think of him all the time. If I can find him, I'd love to see him. He should know he has other people out here that love him.

Good ole love. I'll be talking shit about it tomorrow. lol. Hey, I'm fickle when it comes to love. It sucks and is a beautiful thing when it wants to be.

Love: the jerk I can't quit. It's a mess. lol