People And Their Stuff - PART 1

Life's Love Lessons # 90985People And Their Stuff 

Well, since I work in an office with 3 other women, it is safe to say that we will, at some point during our time together at work, discuss the topic of relationships.  That's kinda what we do. One of us are married. Another of us has a boyfriend. One is living with a guy who wants to be her boyfriend but she doesn't feel the same way about him. The last of us is single and actually wants to stay that way.

Okay. I'm the last one but this story isn't about me. It's about my coworker who is living with someone she doesn't have deep feelings for. I'm not going to put all her business out in the street but I have a very particular perspective on her story but when some people have an agenda, no reasoning will get through to them about the decisions they are making in their own relationships. Besides, it isn't my business and I'm not in a relationships so I don't give relationship advice. I offer a unique perspective on an individual's feelings about their own relationship. I will never say to a person, "This is what you need to do..." or "If I were you, I'd..." Again, none of my business, however, if someone wants to share with me, I don't have a problem with that. I'm honest and will tell them if I agree with them or not but ultimately, my point of view isn't the one that matters.  Their's is. 

So let me see if I can make her long story short or he sake of not boring you to death with...pshaww...words. 

Let's call her Elle. 

Elle is new to the area. She moved to Virginia from Minnesota after a breakup with her ex-boyfriend. She is about 30 years old. Cute girl. She comes off really sweet and innocent but, smh...yeah, that's a another story. After her breakup with this guy who, apparently, stressed her out to the point that she became ill, was not supportive and ultimatly...TADAAAAAA...got someone else pregnant (I don't know if it was before or after they'd broken up), she met this guy, let's call him Bill. (I wanted both their names to have 2 ls. lol. Sorry. Back to the story.) Well Bill, I guess, became that needed distraction for Elle and he fell for her actually moved her to VA with him. Now, I don't know how you just move someone but he did. I guess she really wanted to leave the situation. Well, this young lady moves to Virginia and once here, she sees were the guy lives and even though he showers her with flowers, gifts, takes her where she needs to go, wants to be with her and goes all out to show her, she simply doesn't feel the same way about him.  She told me that he doesn't have enough drive for her and that he should have a house and be doing everything he can to place himself in a better position because...and these are her words "I expect more and if my mom can raise 3 girls and still have  a house, he, as a man should have been able to raise his two girls and at least get a town house."  

sigh...okay we'll get to that in a minute. lol but I feel you.  I feel her but I have a dual perspective on that point. 

Now, I have told her time and time again, you can't make someone have the level of drive you wish they had. The problem with this situation is she moved away from the ex who, she says, was a very driven and determined man who basically neglected your feelings, and moved to a man who caters to all of your feeling but personally isn't driven as much as the ex. 

I don't give advice but I had to tell her, "You have to stop comparing the two. They are different men and you want the new guy to have the same traits as the old guy but there are reasons you left the old guy."

Now here is where things get a little funny, sad and ridiculous at the same time. I'm going to add bullets so that it won't feel like the story is going on forever. 

• Remember the ex who got someone pregnant? Well he was engaged to her but she lost the baby and the wedding was cancelled. Meanwhile, family and friends are telling her she needs to come and talk to him because he still loves her. O_o  She asked me what should she do. I said, "Leave it alone. You left. Why would you go back?" She kept saying "I just want to take to him and ask him some questions.  Loved ones, Imma say this.  Sometimes it's best to leave well enough alone because a conversation with the ex will go 1 of 2 ways. A. He will not give you that huge "I'm an ass and I'm so sorry I fucked up" speech you're waiting for or B. He's going to pull you back in and you're going to go through the same shit. But hey, it's your choice. 
• She told me before that she wanted to date guys who were established and had their own homes, cars, money and good paying jobs. GOALS!!!! I don't hate her for that. You need to have expectations. Who wants a broke, unemployeed man? I don't know. Somebody but I don't hate what she wants I just don't like that she has the sugar daddy perspective because she wants someone to take care of her. Again, nothing wrong with that BUT...I told her well, while you're waiting for Mr. Everything, why don't you position yourself to be successful and once you do that you place yourself a position to meet other successful people. Focus on you and he who compliments you will come. Don't look for someone to complete you. Be complete and allow another whole person seek you out. 
• This one was funny. She said she wanted to date a white guy. She black. I said, "Okay." lol I won't knock her. Hell, I'd date a white guy in a heart beat. Oh, I'm black. lol The problem with how she presented it was as if dating a white man would guarantee her someone more successful than dating a black man.  I wanted to say "Oh, honey. Do you know how many broke white guys there are?" lol
• So finally, this was the take away with our conversation today about Bill. He feels that all the women he pours his heart out to and goes above and beyond for are not returning his love.  If man or woman is in a relationship and they are giving 100% an the other is barely giving 10%, they need to ask themselves "Is this the one for me?" At one time Elle told Bill that he needed to do all he can to move from where they are now and work on getting a job making more money and he texted her that he was willing to do all those things if she returned his "privileges".

First of all, um...FUCK THAT WITH A DUAL HEAD DILDO!!!  (Sorry. I cuss sometimes.)

It's one thing to encourage someone to better themselves and their situation but you stepped into his situation and I know Elle wasn't saying it like "In order to get this, you need to do that." but she already expressed that she didn't feel the same way about Bill sooooo (and this is just me thinking) if you don't feel the same affections for him but he got the house and the job and the money, will those things make you feel differently or will you be willing to settle for him because you can live more comfortable on his dime??? I'm just asking questions here.

As for Bill...

See Part 2 of People And Their Stuff

Days Of Wonder

Life's Love Lesson # 90948

Days of Wonder

As I sit on the edge of my bed, my mind wanders to places that once existed and those yet to exist. I have a tendency to feel deeply the things that have not come to life but could. Thoughts of a perspective outcome of a situation that may never even happen sometimes occupy my senses and I find myself mourning an experience that is, at this point, only a possibility; one of many.

Tonight I feel a tremendous loss.  My eyes are red from thoughts triggered by either intuition or an energy that seeks to stimulate sorrow and have me distracted enough to forget what path I'm on. Maybe for now I'm just standing still and only think I'm moving forward.  I feel a strain that I hadn't felt in months. Maybe I have been avoiding the loss of love. The loss of more than one friendship that has forced me to sit and stare into broken mirror searching for a whole image of some woman I thought I wanted to be.  Maybe I have tried to understand who I am all the while missing the mark that provides me the most basic description of who I am. I don't know who I want to be. I'm not sure I knew who I once was. Maybe I never knew.

Love has a way of pulling you under water and forcing  you to take deep gulps of salty confusing memories or ghosts of a past version of yourself.

I mourned tonight as if I were standing in front of a casket giving the eulogy of someone I don't want to live without. Love pours out of you even when the hurt feels greater. Each step closer I take towards this woman I think, thought or don't know I want to be, the farther away the pentacle of who I really am moves away from my grasp.

When I did truly love, I did completely. I have known others who have caught my attention but love was never meant for them. Tonight, I mourned not wanting to love like I once did. Tonight, I mourned not having a heart that could survive another shattering. My red eyes and headache is a combination of the loss of self and the inability to find me again. I simply don't feel capable of being right now.

So what do you do when you feel such an immense level of loss in oneself and the ability to know or give love again? 

You play a love song. Then you play another. Then you remember that you didn't always feel this lost and remember that you warned yourself of these times. You allow yourself, for a few moments, to fully feel the hurt and the flood of memories are just momentary so you let them reveal themselves until they have spoken their peace and you have regained yours.

You remember when love was good and what you hope love will be for you again and you tell yourself, "This is just a moment."

And while the love songs continue to play, you turn your lights out, lie in the dark staring at a ceiling you cannot see and listen to someone sing of pain you are feeling until you drift off so that you can prove that you can make it through the night.








Some days I feel like a "Stupid Girl". Jazmine said it.

The Beautiful Tomorrow

The opinions we have regarding the concept, emotion or physical feelings of love expand with each thought of what we could have done more to make failed love succeed. Our ideas of how we can, somehow, control love has become the proverbial joke behind our backs; rumors in the shadows of what these ideas are. 

Failed love is not just about failed romance. Failed love is about not taking into consideration the hearts of those who honestly and completely care and love for us while letting our clouded judgment of what we perceive love to be, meanwhile neglecting what love actually is.  

The biggest challenge most people face is understanding themselves enough to know how to truly love and know the person you are. So many factors play a role in understanding how to love yourself and many of us roaming aimlessly through space and time seem to have not been included in this colorful cosmic joke. We look at love as some puzzle with too many pieces to keep track of so we settle for the perception of love. Truth is many people feel guilty, less than, undeserving of love, or simply lost. 

How does one understand love if they don't understand who they really are?

With hope, we look into a future expecting things to mystically shift towards this invisible wall called "love" but it can't be seen with mere mortal eyes. True love, if it exists among humans, is not something that can be stored away from the eyes of the world and brought out at the convenience of selfishness and/or fear.  Love is that thing that holds onto your spirit so tightly that it starts to crossover into physical manifestations. Love is powerful but delicate and paper thin. Love is honest but lies about how easy it is. Love is one of the most simplistically beautiful things in the world but also the most complicated monster we face because it, this thing we call love, can fill you with the most shockingly beautiful feelings but as you flip that coin over, love can rip the beating heart out of your chest without one surgical incision. 

In my opinion, love is simply a series of moments that cause you to believe that its this long lasting organism that remains the same through time. Love shifts. I don't, however, believe that love disappears. I think love demands to be recognized even when we don't want to believe it. A person who says they hate someone they once have claimed to love, in my opinion, can't harness such bitterness if there wasn't this resentment inside for loving the person that much. I think love fuels some people's rage and hate for someone or a situation because they cannot control the situation or the people involved. I have a coworker who talks so much about disliking or hating one of the guys in the office. She has been acting like she has nothing but pure disdain for him but the next moment she's telling me she can't help how she feels. Either she's a great liar or her emotions are exposing her lie of hating him. 

Do not date someone you work with. I don't care how nice they appear. Leave the office romance alone. Especially if both parties are married.

Love is strange.

Love is challenging.

Love is quite childish at times. 

Love, on the other hand, is kind, warm, intoxicating and inviting.

This is why we keep returning to it. 

 

BIPOLAR LOVE PERSPECTIVE

Life's Love Lesson #907389 

Bipolar Love Perspective

So I confess that I'm rather bipolar when it comes to love. I love and hate the idea of it. The confession of wanting love and needing love often is overshadowed by the feelings of resentment of having opening loved in the past. I want to shut love off but keep the tap open in case I should find myself in a position to embrace someone who truly loves me. SMH.

I don't want to dismiss the possibilities of encountering that unexpected love source while at the same time not looking and trying to avoid love like the plague. It's pretty terrible though I'm pretty happy at the same time. Even though you may long for a love you also can celebrate the lack of drama and worry that comes with relationship/love anxiety. For now, I have no worries about if someone loves me enough. I'm working on loving myself. It's pretty awesome.

Currently, the time I would normally take thinking of, talking about, or enacting my own perception of the perfect love, I am working on business opportunities that I had to force myself to accept because of the doubt I had about myself. Now, my confidence is greater because I realize how talented I really am. Still apprehensive sometimes but I am actively building up my confidence, my knowledge and my brand. I have a new group of clients that will be depending on me heavily in the coming months and I'm excited.

I'm excited because I get to be creative in my own projects but with my new clients, I get to put on my management hat again. Setting up my business, my clients' business will bring more clients in the next year. I have such a vast set of skills I'm trying to cultivate and though it may seem selfish, right now is he perfect time for me to dive into myself to work, enjoy life and be my own best friend. Could I do all of this while maintaining a relationship? Of course but for now I need tunnel vision. Relationships involve other people and that can yield unpredictable drama that I just don't have time for. As I grow older, I'm more forward with my thoughts and perspectives. This will lead me to being more confrontation than I have been in the past so for now, I need to be focused on business. It's pretty great.

The few interests I've had this year have been great but since I'm not chasing anyone (which is a huge mistake for us (women) many times in the first place) I have been able to focus on myself and my goals. I told my friend the other day that I don't trust people so it's easier for me, now , to let go of people. I know. I know. I'm not bitter. I just simply don't believed the words that come out of people's mouths so I don't hold on to many things that could potentially hurt my feelings later. lol. Crazy, right? For now, that's how I rationalize things.

Wait. What was I talking about again?

Oh, Bipolar Perspective on Love.

Anyway, Love is alright, if you truly have it. If you do, don't fuck it up. If you don't, hold on. It'll come but in the meantime, LIVE LIFE FULLY!

As for me, I'm still seeking that supernatural love.

Loving this group here. King. Awesome! I want to be like Paris. She's the producer and musician. #CAREERGOALS

"MR. CHAMELEON"

"HEY"

"THE STORY"
This is my real goal. Peace out!!!!

WHY DO WE, HOW DO WE, WHY WON'T WE TRULY LOVE?

How does one measure love? We all have different standards by which we quantify love. How effective are our measures and are the findings true or are they fabricated to convince us that our efforts to create or find perfected love is not in vain.

Turns out that I simply don't care anymore.


Well, maybe I shouldn't say anymore but for now.

The lesson learned about love is sometimes that we feel certain ways about it but allow how we feel to override what you know and that can be dangerous.  Sometimes we want to override knowledge to satisfy our momentary thirsts, desires, bitterness, detachment or whatever you battle with. For now, I'm laying down my battle gear and crawling under the covers and letting the rest of the world figure out what love is, isn't, should be or shouldn't be. It's strange to know that one day you can feel so much about how wonderful love is and could be and the next day a hardening has happened to the places that were once soft and pliable; always ready to accept and embrace whatever love meant to you.

I don't think it's a broken heart more than a revelation of how humans operate under the guise and the knowledge of how love works or how other people love that has halted my desire to love and be loved. I don't think that desire ever really goes away no matter how you try to convince yourself that you are protecting your heart. My personal issue is (and I don't mind sharing it with you) I just don't believe people anymore. The bad part is you could actually be telling me the truth and I just won't believe you. I'm not bitter about it. I just don't care to plead a case why I do or don't believe anyone. Show me and you will convince me. Tell me and I'm still not sold.

Some people manufacture love based on what they need to get from the other person. The word "LOVE", in my opinion, is vastly overused and misused. I don't mean to sound bitter or anything because I'm really not. I'm actually happy for the most part. My woes are more about my purpose and place in this world, not with a man so I'm good.

I'm all for talking it out and expressing feeling but when you have done that so many times and is basically transparent and things still blow up in your face you kinda want to just go lie down. lol.
Let the rest of the world deal with the issues.

You can't escape your issues but for now, you can just take a breather and rest.

Love will be there, somewhere, when you're ready but I'm going to crawl under my covers and rest.

Round And Round We Go...

It's been a while since I have sat down and just written new poems and short stories but sometimes an energy hits you and you speak a sentence aloud to yourself then you know you are ready to start writing again. That happened to me this morning as I was listening to a song called "Ghost" by Lianne La Havas. I have been talking a LOT about her lately but that's because I love her music and think she is exceptionally beautiful and talented but this post isn't about Lianne. She's pretty great though!

This new piece is called Prints of the Past. It isn't extremely long but it was a steady flow from the first sentence to the last word. That's how I like to write. Organic. Not forced. It feels like a messages meant just for me; an internal lecture to my thoughts and emotions. Okay, Blah Blah. Here's the poem. lol

Prints of the Past

Poems written about haunting cloudy days
Turn into clichéd expressions of the same emotional rhetoric that seems to recycle itself within our emotional consciousness
The same bullshit that makes us wait for a love that may never arrive
The kind of soul sucking advertisement promoting an idealistic view of how we should feel
Of how we should deal
Of how we should heal

But the ghosts of the loves lost, left behind and hidden from our view
Are never changing
But we are ever rearranging the same words trying to find different ideas
Different meanings
That will comfort the hearts and minds of the lost
Of the left behind
Of the misguided
It touched me, the ghost of who I once was,
And it was traveling with the ghost of what I once felt for you and what you confessed you felt for me

I was certain I was trapped in a dream of tortured circumstances but I felt, too strongly, the presence of energies all speaking in unison
Speaking to me as if I were one of them
As if I were saved from my sins
As if I were born again
And I was frozen
Hoping the only thing that could melt away the bitterness stored would be staring at me when I turned around
Foggy images of you and I passed my eyes as I turned hoping you would be there but I had to blink to focus

My eyes opened to see only our ghosts walking away together
As I stood alone.

Check out the song I was listening to when the first line of this poem came to be. 

The Slow Drive

Hoping all is well in everyone's world tonight. Realistically,  I know we all are going through  something so I wish you all better days and peaceful nights. :)

This weekend my body was halted by pretty intense pain but in order to not completely fall apart, I willed my body to override the pain to go out. I couldn't workout but I was able to drive around so I decided I'd spend the day going out and enjoying my city as much as I can with my comfort level. I was sidetracked when a little baby showed up at my house and I spent a few hours Loving on him and his little fat cheeks. He is about 6weeks old and already standing and trying to take steps. WHAT THA???? LOL. Well I held him up and he was standing then took steps toward me while I supported him. REALLY? 6 WEEKS and trying to take steps? These babies. Smh lol

Anyway, I am often traveling and moving through the city alone. At one time I had a boyfriend I'd hang out with but over time it was back to just me. I think people assume that because I don't mind being alone (sometimes) that I don't want friends. The friends I have (or think I have) though very fee, I love dearly and would love hanging out but we don't.  Many times that leaves me a bit lonely. People are afraid to say they are lonely because it comes with the perception of desperation but that's not so. Being alone doesn't necessarily equate to loneliness but many times  the lonely are physically alone and sometimes they are in a room full of people and still feel lonely.

Anywho, in my effort to not be lonely, I invited a friend to hang out and like the story of my life, I was told I'd receive a call but it never came so plan B is now in play.

"Go at it alone!"

My teenage nephew decided he'd roll with me so we drove out to VA to the movies. It was fun hanging out, missing exits and talking music with him. So I wasn't alone but after I dropped him off at home at midnight I wasn't ready to go home to the actual loneliness waiting behind my bedroom door with a smirk of contention.

I kept driving until I ended up downtown. With the Washington Monument as my backdrop. I decided to just drive around DC for a while. I didn't have a particular destination in mind but I knew I didn't want to go home. The only thing waiting at home was emptiness, discomfort, loneliness and uncertainty of where my future is going. So I drove. I drove from one section of the National Mall where it was quiet and only the motion of the changing street lights kept the pace of the midnight hours; a direct contrast to the crowded overrun  DC streets in the daytime. Then I drove to the part of the city that's still lively with club goers enjoying the DC nightlife. I saw groups of friends laughing and walking to and from restaurants and clubs in downtown and I thought to myself

"What makes them so different from me?"

 Even though I will never know the answer to that question, for just a second it was a question that I needed to know the answer to but now I'm not that interested in what the answer would be or who would have the answer to that question. So I drove. I listened to the radio which basically consisted of top 40 popular hip hop songs being played live from a not so far away club in the city with the DJ calling out the Leo's to celebrate their birthday season. Yeah, I had to shift gears and play the slow jams for my ride. Tyrese singing "Shame" on my drive? Sweet.

With the streets virtually clear of traffic near the monument I headed in that direction away from the busier sections downtown. I thought about what I loved about the city and why I wanted to go away so badly. One question always seems to follow me and I don't want to feel bad for myself but I ask why am I always alone? For the most part I'm a pretty cool person which confuses me when people would rather hang out with confrontational assholes but maybe I'm just boring. Maybe I'm not enough. Maybe I'm too much. Maybe I'm not good enough. Maybe forgettable.

I realize then I'm not only single in relation to not being in a relationship with a love interest but I am single in the sense that every aspect of my life right now is populated only by me. I did not plan it this way. I did not want it this way. Somewhere there is someone who can't wait to be my friend and spend time with me but for now that's what I have to do for myself and I don't really mind because I like me.

Oh, this wasn't meant to be sad. Lol. Just sharing. Hopefully someone will see this and see that they aren't the only one who goes through lonely times. Things will get better. For now journey on your own and get to know and love yourself even more.