Lately

Many times, we often find ourselves returning to the place of heartache and heartbreak (often mistaken as the same thing but slightly different; a break will ache, but an ache doesn't necessarily break). 

I've been up for hours just thinking and listening to music. Tonight has been a night of trying to find the sense in heartbreak and how frequently it has come for me. No, I do not pity the lot in life I have received, but I think of the lens through which I view my experiences. Some things have stuck with me over the years, and I realize how common it is for many people to feel a need for closure to put a stamp on the finality of relationships, experiences, and so on, or they seem unable to let go. I often hear people say, "Just let it go." I agree with this sentiment. Let go of the hold memories have on you. Let go of the inability to move forward without some sort of finish. There is no point in waiting for "Fin" to appear as the closing credits roll to a monumental musical score. 

Sometimes the closure is that whatever you had is simply over, and sometimes we don't like or understand its ending. Sometimes there are no magical excuses or reasons why something ends. Things end. Moments end. Experiences end. Seasons end, though they return, not the same as before, but holding on to the traits that define them. If love has defined your best season, it will return, but the love may not look the same as it did in the past. There is both sadness and excitement in the flourish of a new thing. To hold the new thing sufficiently, you must open your hand so that the old thing can fall to the ground or be whisked away by the breeze carried atop the whispers of yesteryear's wishes that never came true, but hold space in hopeful hearts. For some time now, I've been meditating and asking if I'm making the correct decisions for my life. 

I believe in mindful moments being the only true moments we have in life. Your future moments will become the present moment at some point. Nothing in your past can be altered; only reflected upon. Future moments are not carved in stone, so the worry we have about them only destroys our present mindset. Let them go. We want so much to be able to control what happens and what will happen. In understanding that point, the decisions I've made have all led me to a point of understanding that I don't understand everything, and I am fine with that. Our evolution depends on our curiosity to understand so that we may find the wonders of life in extraordinary ways. Rather than pray or desire the answers so that I may escape the deep cuts of life, I ask for the awareness of moments to know when to proceed and when to detour my path. I ask that I be given the knowledge of how to bandage the unavoidable injuries that come with life. I ask that I receive an additional 24 hours to experience the shift in the atmosphere so that I may not give in to the moment of hopelessness. I ask for visibility even when I want seclusion. One thing that is true for all is that this life will conclude, and not everyone will get the ending they hope for. Some hope life will go on and on. We live a very finite existence, and when you think of life as a pathway to an ending, the time we spend wishing and hoping for things we can't have or can't change seems fruitless and wasteful. 

Believe me, my heart pines for a great lost love, lost opportunities, lost relationships that I have altered because of my own actions or inaction. I think of all those things while listening to Stevie Wonder's "Lately". I've lived those lyrics. Sometimes, we don't grieve lost loves left behind; we grieve the person we used to be or the person we wanted so much to be but never were. Although Stevie's lyrics are about feelings of an impending end of love. I have felt this with both love and my own identity. My premonitions are rarely wrong, and so when I feel, think, observe life the way I do, I acknowledge what may be coming then leave it to the universe to decide what shall be. I have not made the wrong decisions in my life. I made decisions that pushed me towards who I am today. Give yourself compassion and understanding that life comes as it may, and we cannot predict what happens, no matter how much we plan. Give yourself grace to be human. In all things (good, bad, indifferent), be grateful for what life teaches you. So as the thunder growls outside my window and the sky weeps for brighter days, I, too, will have grace for this moment and be grateful for it because right now will never return. 

Lately

 

by Stevie Wonder

Lately, I have had the strangest feeling

With no vivid reason here to find
Yet the thought of losing you's been hanging
'Round my mind

Far more frequently, you're wearing perfume
With you say no special place to go
But when I ask, "Will you be coming back soon?"
You don't know, never know

Well, I'm a man of many wishes
Hope my premonition misses
But what I really feel my eyes won't let me hide
'Cause they always start to cry
'Cause this time could mean goodbye

Lately, I've been staring in the mirror
Very slowly picking me apart
Trying to tell myself I have no reason
With your heart

Just the other night while you were sleeping
I vaguely heard you whisper someone's name
But when I ask you of the thoughts you're keeping
You just say nothing's changed

Well, I'm a man of many wishes
I hope my premonition misses
But what I really feel my eyes won't let me hide
'Cause they always start to cry
'Cause this time could mean goodbye, goodbye

Oh, I'm a man of many wishes
I hope my premonition misses
But what I really feel my eyes won't let me hide
'Cause they always start to cry
'Cause this time could mean goodbye

Be well, loved ones.

Stay TRU💋