What is it, in those five minutes of complete stillness, that will set in motion a new movement, a new idea, a new objective that will, without doubt, be without challenge?
Nothing.
I wanted the world and everything around me to just stop for a few minutes so I can see, observe my current situation without time "getting in the way" but in those few minutes what will be so different from me trying to figure out life at the same time life is happening?
It's hard to describe but I do believe we need that 5 uninterrupted minutes of absolute stillness. I know that the world can't simply stop, especially for me, but I can stop. I often feel the whirlwind of the next necessary decision weighing on me and other people's expectations of what I should do for my life creeping closer and closer. One minute I have my entire life planned out and the next I can't see five minutes in front of me. I don't think I'm unique in this problem. In fact, I think most people go through this. If you don't and have never experienced this frustration and have every moment of your life perfectly planned out, well then here's a slow clap of kudos to you. (CLAP...clap...clap...)
I hope you can appreciate my sarcasm. lol.
But seriously, each day presents individual challenges. We have good days. We have bad days. We have days where we're not quite sure if they are good or bad so then we have to acknowledge the neutral days where we are just beings roaming the earth.
Today has been challenging. Over the last week or so I have had many situations pop up from me being a total rock star among friends and colleagues to days where I feel utterly disconnected from myself, my spirit and my world; lost, if you will. Today I'm experiencing the latter. I know it's just for today but the frustration I have is not with others, it isn't with God, it isn't with my idea or what or who God may or may not be, it's not even the fears I face on a regular basis that hinder my forward movement.
My frustration is in not knowing.
Not knowing what to do.
Not knowing who I am at this moment.
Not knowing who I'll be tomorrow.
Not knowing what direction to take despite everyone else apparently knowing what I should do.
Gee, thanks.
The craziest part of all this frustration is that I KNOW that I can sit for a while and in this whirlwind of craziness that is partly created by my own hesitation, I can map out my next steps and feel okay that I'm going to be able to move forward but the problem is I can move forward towards...what?
sigh
Okay here is one of my biggest problems. You all shall serve as my temporary counselors. Thank you, kindly.
I don't know what my passion is. I've struggled with this fact about myself for years now and even if the world completely stopped for 5 minutes, will the answers come? I'm not even sure what the questions are.
Is the world just too loud for me to hear or feel this "thing" I'm suppose to be so passionate about?
I use to deny my talents. Not that I didn't know I had them but I never embraced them completely. I do SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much and when it's all said and done I feel like I've done absolutely nothing. I can do SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much but when I'm ready to move forward to perfect one of the many somethings I am capable of doing, I get lost all over again. It...is...FRUSTRATING. I take time to think, meditate, have quiet time to figure out these things for myself but it still feels like my thoughts are being infiltrated by the distractions of the world; other people, other's successes, rain...(shrug), almost anything that will make me turn my head or tune into something else other than my thoughts and objectives for my life. I know. I know. I feel like I'm fighting myself. I am my own distraction but when I'm focused, I can't seem to block out the world completely. I need that. I need to be suspended in my own thoughts so that I can come out and be who I know I can be or to just be a fixture in a world that needs me somewhere for something very specific. I wish what that specific thing was.
Frustration is also coming from seeing the people closest to me move onto wonderful opportunities that some have worked extremely hard for and others, well, it's nice to have opportunities come and you be able to say yes. Not saying they didn't work for them but some people live charmed lives. I don't hate that. I just know that in comparison to my own life, sometimes it just feel bad to know that I can work 5x as hard and not get 1/4 or what others get.
Life's kinda fucked up that way. I keep telling myself do not compare my life to others' but I think it's like a natural reflex we have. The Comparison Reflect (coming soon to a theater near you...not really)
But no matter what happens or how I acknowledge my struggles, I wish everyone well and turn back to focus on my 5 minutes of stillness from the world. After I get the 5 minutes, then what? Will I ask for another 5 minutes? If that's granted, will that additional 5 minutes be enough? Probably not so I try to find my five minute in the middle of the chaos, questions, uncertainty, fear, hesitation, sadness, frustration, clarity, hunger and hustle of the day I stand in."I can't feel the ground
someone let me down.
I never felt so high as I do now
it's too good to be true
I don't deserve you
I've never felt a love strong enough to
Stop this world from spinning."
What's so funny to me right now is as I wrap up this blog, I'm listening to Ne-Yo and his song "Stop This World". I'm listening to the lyrics and it is a love song but I would love to feel this way about my life, my future, my passion for who I am and am to become and someday someone else who will feel the same for me but for now, maybe tomorrow I'll stop the world from spinning.
B@Peace
Love
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