Love, whether pursuing, beginning or ending a relationship, is probably one of the most difficult emotions to navigate simply because your emotional mind doesn't always know what's good for the rest of you. Your emotions are like selfish kids who don't want anyone else playing with their toys even when they aren't playing with them. The reason: because they are mine and when I'm ready, I want them where I left them so that I can play with them by myself. sigh...Unfortunately, having this type of attitude about people just doesn't work the same.
There was a DeBarge song out some years ago called "The Heart Is Not So Smart" and for some reason, the lyrics to this song have never left me. Anytime I have been in or close to being in a relationship I think of that song. The truth in that song is no more apparent than when you are actually in a relationship and are in the midst of a battle between the heart and mind. You are torn between what you know and what you feel. Sometimes, even though what you feel may feel good momentarily, your mind knows it won't last. sigh.
The reason this topic comes to mind is I have been thinking a lot lately about the possibility with moving on to new relationships and I'm honest to say that I do want to but I don't want to. I do because my mind and heart knows it would be good to have a healthy relationship not just for intimacy but for social and mental stimulation. I'm not a big social person so I do have difficulties engaging others on a personal level. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not against engaging new people and I will talk your ears off for hours and hours but there is a hesitation when it comes to engaging people with the intent on melding hearts and becoming emotionally and romantically attached. I'm a novice at this love thing or at least I still feel that way after all these years. I don't think I am really willing or able to open up myself to someone on an emotional level right now. There is a healing process we have to make sure we go through when our idea of love, dedication and security has been battered and bruised so I am taking my time. Need to get Tru straight alone befor joining forces with someone else's emotional state. OH GAWD! lol
This is the crossroad where one side of the fork in the road says "Dead end. No oulet." and the other say "Freedom. What are you waiting for? But proceed with caution." Can you imagine if there really were road signs like that. Maybe we'd make better decisions.
On the other hand, I WANT to be pouty. I WANT to say "no you can't move on without me." I WANT to say "Who cares what people say? I want to do what feels good or comfortable for me right now." I want to wollow in what I once thought was a great love. See, the only thing about this state of mind is that it is the basis of the vicious cycle we are doomed to repeat if we don't stand up, dust ourselves off and take a new route. In the back of your mind you hope that somewhere on that new path, down the road, you'll run into that one you loved completely and you hope they have finally "gotten IT together' but you cannot rely on what you wish to come to fruition always. You just have to start walking down the new path with the expectation of your hearts desire being fulfilled, not just the way you want it to but they way it should and needs to be fulfilled. If you stay on the same wrong misguided path, you're saying I'm willing to go through that pain with my eyes wide open. Don't get made at the road. Get mad at your feet for walking in the same circle. Well, you don't really have to get mad but hey, that may be a way for you to get yourself to the next level of love and relationship. If we don't force ourselves to change our patterns of how and what we think about love and what we desire from a relationship then we may be willingly risking the suffocation of our own spirit then turn around and say "I don't know why this keeps happening." It keeps happening, honey, because you haven't done anything different. You just picked up the board game and moved it to another location. The pieces and their positions on the board have not changed.
sigh.
In my transparency, I can be honest enough to say most days I feel I lost the love of my life. You know that person who no matter who you end up with or who you grow to love deeply, they will always be the one you wish everything had worked out perfectly with. You may know that person as the one who got away or it could be the one you had to walk away from. The idea of a soul mate is not ridiculous. I have learned a soul mate doesn't necessarily have to be someone you are romantically linked to but it could be a really good friend who understands the essence of you and loves and supports your overall well-being. Your soul mate wants your happiness to be complete even if it means they have to step out of the picture for you to find it. The thing about your soul mate is they aren't a supernatural being without flaws. They are human so they, just like us, make mistake and some, at times, seems irreversible and unforgivable. Even in those times they hurt you, you still have a deep love for them and this is why it's hard to be in a relationship with someone who you feel is your soul mate. They have the capacity to envelop your heart, protect it, love it, nurture it and make all things right or in an instant, they can rip it to shreds and leave you breathless because your love is THAT intense.
Love... sometimes you just have to shake your head at it.
No comments:
Post a Comment