I have talked too much.

This weekend was spent talking. I feel like I have talked more this weekend than in the last few weeks. Of course, I haven't talked to who I want to talk to but I'm still getting past that. There are so many things I need to do before the end of the year and I'm hoping my emotional side don't shut down my production. Today was hard. Some days  you just can't shake of the feeling or longing to be with or talk to someone. A level of loneliness comes over you. Granted, I live with 4 other people and I have been on the phone with my 2 new friends most of the weekend  but my heart is still alone. I'm trying to figure out how to grasp what I already know; that I am trying to trick myself into letting go of many things that are hanging on to me.

You may think this is just about a guy or something like that and you wouldn't be totally incorrect to assume that but it's me. I have to let go of some of my ideas about my future, myself, my journey, that will stop me from proceeding. The more I think about the changes coming the more nervous I get. Families developing, careers changing, education and me getting my footing with my decisions for the new year.

Health wise, I have been having a difficult time. I'm not sick or anything like that but my focus on my fitness and nutrition has taken a back seat to my emotions. I'm trying. I really am. It's just hard right now. I'll be okay though. Even if I have to convince myself to believe that even though I don't feel it right now. Goodnight.

Don't Stop Your Own Growth

2010 is rapidly coming to a close and many people will start to take stock in what they have accomplished this year.

Is my faith in God stronger than it was last year?

Did I get the job I wanted?

Did I go back to school?

Am I healthier?

Did I find the man/woman of my dreams?

How have I made my life happier?

These are just some of the kinds of questions we tend to reflect on when analyzing our current state of affairs.  In all our questioning and reflection, we hardly ever look at the things we have done that may have hindered our growth. We lean more towards reflecting on the things we could have done to make things better. One way to ensure you change your way of thinking and propel yourself into a place of accomplishing your goals is to, first, be honest about the things you have actually done to hinder yourself. I don't mean dwell on them; just acknowledge them. Knowing where you went wrong or where you could have done something different will cause a red flag to go up the next time you are about to make the same mistake. Now whether or not you choose to make the same mistake is totally up to you but just make sure you are willing to deal with the outcome; good or bad.

It may have been a relationship that began or ended and you are looking at where you are in it right now. Did you have little stupid fights over nothing? In that case, what would you have done differently? Did you think all was well but it suddenly took a turn down a strange road and now it's over? In this case, what signs did you miss that could have told you it was ending?

Sometimes, things just happen. It's not that anything was your fault or that anything could have been done differently.  Don't beat yourself up about it. Maybe everything turned out better than you expected? Could you have made it even better? Who knows? All I know is 2010 held both happiness and sadness for me; discouragement and encouragement; despair and hope. I can reflect on this year and see that I trusted others more than myself. I doubted my ability to be a great woman. I minimized my external and internal beauty and I spent too much time in regret of all I had not accomplished. I had many many great days full of happiness and laughter but as always, the sad days seem to linger.

I cannot guarantee that 2011 will be full of only happy days but I will tell you this, with all my power, it will be a heck of a lot better than 2010. I'm closing several chapters and gearing up for new ones. I have written about the hope for my future and family, I still have it.  All the people I have loved in 2010, I still love.  I have realized that some of those people I have to love from a distance.  I have to love Tara up close and in person. Get ready! 2011's a comin'! 

My Future and It's Light

For the last 24 hours my heart and mind have been totally detached from reality but as always, reality wins and all is restored to normalcy. I want all wonderful things for my family and friends but I know that we cannot control everything that happens in our lives; even when we try to control them.

I am reaching for whatever it is God has for me. I want to strain to reach it because I see it and if I stop now I will never touch it. I think, to often, we place ourselves in tough positions then give up on our dreams because we say life is hard. Yes. Life is hard but we have choices in every single step we take in this life. You can choose to go left or right; do wrong or right; say yes or no: be up or down. WE CHOOSE! Doesn't matter how many kids you have, how hard you job is, how much you want or how little you have; you have a choice as to which path you take and whether or not you want to be happy or live a happy life despite difficult times. I'm going to be fine. I hope you all will be also. Believe you will and guess what? You just may.

Whitney Houston - Where Do Broken Hearts Go

Who Runs Your Life?

Dear ones, I just had a few things on my mind tonight that I wanted to share. This blogging is really helping me to connect the dots with a lot of my stray thoughts that seem to live individually instead of forming a collective front to better my life. lol.  But I love them, these thoughts, and all of this is a continued learning session for me. Who do I love? Do I love myself? Who are considered sources of encouragement for my life? Do I make my own decisions or are they molded by the influence of other people?

The last question came to me about 10 minutes ago and I had to log on and blog about it. I was watching a silly Will Ferrell movie and seeing his character was use to living his life based on what was allowed by his mom. As you can probably tell I was watching Step Brothers. Funny movie! Well anyway, she enabled him and he was never made to grow up until things fell apart with his mother's new marriage. Although the situations may not be the same, I just thought of some of my decisions as well as some of the choices some of my current and former friends have made based on pressure and influence from other people.

I have allowed others to influence some of my actions but ultimately these were my actions to make so I always take full responsibility but how many people actually feel like they have no other option but to succumb to the wishes of other people. Again, I must say that I, too, have made choices based on what others said I should do and family, those choices were a disaster. 

In high school, a friend planted seed that I hadn't even thought of, about a guy we went to school with and the more we talked, the more I looked at this guy and was like, "yeah, I think he's pretty cool."  Granted, he was a great guy and probably still is, but I was hurt behind it because he wasn't feeling me and I thought afterwards, "I am such a friggin idiot." lol. Had I just ignored her and didn't entertain her suggestions, WHO KNOWS where I would be now or who I would be with. Maybe I wouldn't be any different but one thing is sure, nothing is certain.

Later, after YEARS of being "good" and very happy, by the way, I had an idiot friend tell me that I needed to let some of my standards go because I just needed to BE WITH SOMEBODY. ANYBODY. uh...I went out with this guy I didn't really want to because he was just anybody and family, again, REGRETS! I was an adult by then so it's not just teenagers who go through peer pressure. Don't be mistaken.

Now my real question is how many of you will allow a person to alter your destiny or just influence you to turn away from your desired choices or maybe it's a person you're turning away from because you feel you have no choice? Who, among you, has felt your heart break because you felt you had to make a choice to appease someone else who just doesn't want to see you happier than they are? Think about it. If you are miserable in your situation and are in the midst of other miserable people, ask yourself this question, "Why am I afraid to be happy?"

In my experiences, I have seen people make choices for their own life because they would appear to be too happy to their friends and family. Well, to that I say, "ARE YOU EFFIN' CRAZY???" LOL! Let me share a tidbit about myself with you to show you how I deal with the pressure of other people wanting me to make my decisions based on their level of happiness. First, I do care about other people's happiness but I care about my happiness first. The two people I respect more on this earth than anyone are my parents. They had me. They raised me. They taught me. They helped to mold my character and I still will not make a decision solely on making them happy if it made me miserable. I make a point to tell them what I think and what I will decide about certain things so that they know that although I will take their guidance into consideration, ultimately I have to choose for myself and I do just that. If they don't like someone I like, I pay attention to their feelings but if I am not going to be with that person it has to be because I agreed with my parents and saw the same things they saw and not just because they said so. Operating like this does lead to learning lessons the hard way sometimes but most of the time parents are not influencing you negatively but letting you know how they feel and that I can respect. What kinda of woman would I be if I cut and run every time someone said

"No. You shouldn't do that.

You shouldn't buy that.

You shouldn't try that.

You shouldn't go there.

You shouldn't love him."

All I can do is hope that my fam (that would be you) really takes stock in what it is that truly makes you happy and hold on to it. If it's the right thing, time will tell, but if you just don't try, how will you ever know.  That leads me to this:


If you love someone with your whole heart and there are negative people in your life who don't want to see you happy, please be strong enough to tell them that you will live your life in happiness and love. Let them stew in their misery alone. You don't have to dwell with them there. Let's open up our lives to good things, people, experiences, and decisions that will enhance our lives. I love you fam!!!!

Children

 

Seems these days I have been surrounded by babies. I mean, they aren't attacking or anything but I sit on the bus and there are babies laughing and looking at me. I get on the train and there are babies waving and giggling and crying. They are everywhere. Now, every time I see a baby or small child I am both happy and sad. I'm happy because I love the excitement of life that children have. Unspoiled treasures, they are. Then I'm sad because even though I know God to be a God of miracles, sometimes I feel like I'll never be on the receiving end of this kind of blessing. I don't think it has to do with any biological clock but without getting into specifics I feel like I will never have children. Do I want them? Of course but sometimes I feel they are not in the cards for me.

The real truth is I just don't know what's going to happen or what God has in store for me but for now all I can do is watch the little kids and smile and pray that they are kept safe and grow to learn and love like they should. I don't know. I guess I have too many adult children that require my attention for now. lol...

It's just that sometimes I wonder if anyone will ever call me "Mommy" but until then I'll settle for "Auntie". 

I don't really get too sad over these feelings but earlier I was watching Tyler Perry's House of Pain on TBS and one of the characters, Janene was pregnant and went into labor and when she thought she was  having one baby, she had twins.  Yes friends, it's TV but I kinda teared up because it was beautiful and so many woman experience holding a little life that they can nurture and love; a life who will grow to be their ongoing legacy. Now I wonder, who will carry Tara into the future after I'm gone? The doctors haven't told me I can't have children but they haven't said I can so in the next month or so I should know a little more but I'm not worried either way. It's just that lately it's been on my mind and a topic of discussion among my sisters and me.  Boggles the mind but all we can do is pray and continue living. If I ever end up a Mom, what a great blessing but if I never become a Mom, my blessings will not be diminished one iota.  

Life still goes on.

I'm very honest in my blog and in general so many things I express here are simply my honest thoughts. I am not sitting around worried about not having children or what ifs. I am just thinking.

Kissing With Your Eyes Open.

Note: For any family who may read this...get over it. I'm grown. lolol. kidding. No, seriously, I am grown though.

Can you kiss someone with your eyes open? Well if the person you are kissing is someone who closes their eyes, sure you can. lol. Some people find it distracting and some may find it even a little creepy but some are just comfortable. As for me, I tend to kiss with my eyes open. I have NO idea why but I'm comfortable looking at the person. I guess it's my way of continually seeing how genuine people are.

For some people, intimacy is so private we hide it from ourselves. How many people do you know (including yourself) wouldn't dare open their eyes while they kiss, have sex in the daytime or with the lights on because of some insecurity or fear of actually seeing the other person, just seeing themselves or being seen?  The actuality of physically being vulnerable transfers to a psychological vulnerabilty that some people are afraid to confront. I'm not a psychologist or even remotely anyone who can or even should give councel to anyone regarding relationships, intimacy or sex but I'm just a regular person with some curiosity and personal perspectives on these topics that may make someone think the same as the perspectives of others give me reason to dig into my thought process.  If you don't normally open your eyes when you kiss someone, open them the next time. lol...

Not that I have kissed a fleet of men but here are some of the things I've seen. lol...Lord, Have Mercy. lol 

• I have seen someone so focused on his objective that you can actually see him mentally guiding his every action.
• I have seen someone who tried to prove he was a great kisser that I damn near pulled away and said "Really???"
• I have seen someone's tongue come for me before his lips did!!! EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!! LOL
• I have seen someone relaxed and let the moment be what it was; A moment of pure connection. He even opened his eyes a little. It was a feeling of searching. Almost like a secondary communication aside from the physical act going on at the time.

To look into someone's eyes while you're kissing may sound strange but it could be a great part of establishing intimacy. A man or woman who are afraid, unwilling or simple can't open their eyes during a kiss seems, to me, to wonder, 'what are you afraid of?' lol

Well, if I ever kiss someone again I'll do it with my eyes completely closed to see how it feels. I don't know. It's not like I stand there staring at the person but it's just something that was on my mind. 

Now...Imma go kiss someone.  I hope I don't get arrested. (fingers crossed)