I make mistakes often. It's a part of my human make up. As I have grown older I've become more compassionate with my own short comings, idiosyncrasies, and behaviors.
So, how do you love or show that you love someone? Does it look anything like the love you expect, want or desire for yourself?
I have a bad habit of stopping everything in my world, just long enough to devote my attention fully to a friend in need of my attention, my time and my love. That's how I love; with my full attention. It feels like it's expected of me but too much for me to ask for in return. As an Empath, I have always been able to read the emotions and heart conditions of those whose energy space I enter. It's a heaviness, sometimes, that cannot be explained.
The real frustration for me is when my energy is failing and when I need that unconditional attention, compassion and love. I've always been "strong" and for some people, being strong also equates to lack of or minimal display of emotion. I am an emotional creature. We all are, if you're human. I'm often curious as to how others love and show it. I have such a strong belief and view of what love is or should be for me that I'm not sure I factored in that my way may seem too much for some people even though I feel my way of thinking and feeling allows for the compassion needed to find a certain amount of peace in my circumstances. I may be wrong.
I have found that unyielding people find me taxing and difficult. I say "unyielding" because when an outcome has to be what you want without complications and discomfort, that is unyielding and it isn't realistic. We cannot grow as individuals stuck in our bubbles of expectancy.
I'm not bossy or needy, the way people like to define needy. I do have needs though and maybe MY neediness is not accepted because of who I am, how I look, and how people subconsciously reject me and call me silly for pointing out obvious behaviors. Obvious to me anyway. We, humans, in general, become so self absorbed when we are going through our STUFF and honestly, there is nothing wrong with that.
As a woman, over years, I've heard about this mystical love a woman should or could receive from a man and I have to say, I dont believe that fantasy of an all enveloping love exists for me. A man who stops to make sure I feel loved, even in the moments when I can't audibly communicate my heaviness. I have been regarded as a problem by those who don't want me to love them. I already know how the world views me. Use me as they will but god forbid that I should dare love them. Their love is always reserved for someone better than I. This is the strength of my reality. No pitty party. No reach for sympathy. This IS my life and there is no one who can say this isn't true, especially the people who actively make this my reality.
But the real problem is me.
I keep expecting a different outcome with the level of love I offer and isn't that considered insanity?
If I was a...ugh...a bitch, complained, demanding and full of drama, maybe I'd get something. That's what is desired. Men say "no drama" then...drama. idk
I digress. I just don't want to be loved if the "love" is going to kill me anyway. Once faith in myself, love and others is gone, why stick around to be minimized and emotionally deconstructed?
How's that for dramatic?
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