I make mistakes, but...

I go through seasons. We all do. They may look different from other people's seasons but yes; we all have our seasons. My current season is stressful, a little lonely, uncertain, scared, and unknowing of how to navigate the feelings that are within this season. How do I shift my own emotions from, well, emotional to active production that carries me into my next season? Everyone always has the answer to someone else's problem but never their own.

Well, many people seem to believe they can see other people's issue more clearly than their own but for some, they don't necessarily see someone else's obstacle with clarity but see what they wish THEY could do if they were in the other person's situation. That may not be as helpful when disseminating advice to someone in need. You have to pull yourself out and consider the person with the challenge. Help them navigate the issue in a way that is palatable for them.

I can go down a long list of hurts, disappointments, broken-hearted situations but what will be revealed is how self-absorbed this season is making me. This isn't really such a negative but when you focus so much on your own issues, you suffocate under their weight. Sometimes we must focus on something else that lifts a weight off of our situation. Good things like helping someone else in need is always good. Being present while the good things in life happen around you helps to put things into proper perspective. Finding opportunities to be happy and excited are excellent ways to lift the stress from your situations. Your situations may not dissipate but you need to look at them with fresh eyes.

I feel deeply and honestly, I know that gets on people's nerves but I can't and won't change that because it took me damn near 40 years to get to this place of self-awareness and self-compassion. What is being revealed to me, however, is that not everyone has made it to where I am emotionally and they may not be able to relate to how I deal with things. I, too, still have a long way to go on my journey as well. 

Some find my silence, alone, to be too much to handle and here's the thing, I simply have to be silent sometimes. There is so much chaos inside sometimes that my own voice just adds to the noise. In my mind, I can compartmentalize the issues, place them in their own corners and deal with them one by one. I can't do that contributing to the chaos. This is a part of my mindfulness evolution. Many people don't talk about the things they avoid. I am silent so I can gain perspective on my feelings and be able to articulate my thoughts and feelings more effectively.

I'm not sure why my silence is so uncomfortable. I was told that my silence can be deafening especially when people are used to me having my thoughts together. I have come to the conclusion that people will have to be uncomfortable with my silence from time to time. I can't be all things to everyone and if everyone wants me to be someone different to make them comfortable then I become fragmented and lose myself. We all deserve to be true to ourselves and that includes within our introspective moments.

Fear of speaking is not the same as taking time to assess one's thoughts. For me, it's not a fear of being honest, gaining clarity, putting everything on the table or even having challenging conversations. I actually like challenging conversations because I learn a lot about myself and others. Sometimes we just need time. A true friend will learn that about you and honor your choice to take the time you need to figure things out. They will also love you enough to take that time with you.

Admittedly, sometimes silence can signify the end of one's efforts to continue running in circles. Other times it's a necessary pause. For anyone that cares for me, they will understand my need to pause or simply stop. Anyone who only considers their comfort level will only consider THEIR comfort level and cannot allow others to process their feelings in a timely and necessary way. I recently had someone tell me, while I was in my moments of struggling with my feelings and MAJOR traumatic shifts happening in my life, that he was momentarily uncomfortable after like 15 minutes and he just had to withdraw from the friendship. He tells me this after months of me being there for him in tough situations and making sure he was okay by being present and actively listening to him. Well, as hurtful as that was to me to be rejected, in a moment when I needed him the most, I just simply said "okay".

We shouldn't have to apologize to people for needing time to center.

Any given day, I have a hundred competing priorities in my head so if you like or love me, at all in any way, you will allow me to pause. Let me rephrase that. You will allow yourself to be patient with my pause because I'm pausing whether people are comfortable with it or not. I have to take care of myself the only way I know how to. I make mistakes all the time but caring for myself is never one of them. Trust me, I wish the same for you and will always honor your decisions to take care of yourself.