that makes you hide and reveal
the most important things in your world
it makes you lose your senses and nerve
to be transparent
love cripples the agile and brings a pause
to the thoughts of the brilliant
I can't imagine not being able to love
but most days I can't afford to
it's forced, love, but I have to keep harm from those I feel too deeply for
those I can't look away from but hesitate to stare in their eyes and confess a hurt that no longer ends at my feet
pain, fear, doubt and unintended consequences of loving one
ends my ability to love another fully
I hate being broken
fragments of me spread as far apart as the east is from the west
never to find their way back to a wholeI am segmented
he doesn't know the torture
that lies just beyond my laughter
the turmoil that accompanies every sentence and phrase
uttered in his ear while we work to connect
only so that I will have to let go
my soul whispers "Don't let go."
so I lie still in bed
awake
fan on medium
peach colored roses on my nightstand
and only one side of my bed occupied
my face to the sky blocked by brick and drywall
I wonder if the stars can see me through the materials
used to protect me from the unknown
He did not protect me from the unknown that, now known,
will be the end of love for me
I miss what was never able to be
because I can no longer love the one I love
It stings to let him know
It hurts to let him go
Forgiving myself, an unattainable facet of my life
conjoined with the anger he would feel to know that my love wasn't enough to protect us from the world
a world that never included the two of us, together, in the same space in time
I retract my affection for our own good
for his own good
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