There are mornings when you jump out of bed, to-do list on your mind, and you get right into your day feeling ready to accomplish some of your goals that will get you closer to the place you are striving to be.
Some mornings you wake up, sit up, and sit there for two hours trying to figure out how you can bypass all the bullshit you know is coming. This morning, I just sat up and cried.
I sat up, cried, looked around me, gauged my internal and external comfort level and determined that everything was out of balance. I picked up my water bottle, added fruit punch Crystal Light, shook the bottle, sat it down on my nightstand and sat still just looking around as what felt like streams poured down each cheek. No heavy sobbing. I did that last night. This morning, involuntarily, tears streamed down my face like a waterfall. No reaction on my face. I'm just...I don't know. Here. The day had not officially begun but I was ready for it to be over. I have made mistakes in my life and I have made terrible choices. A choice is so much different than a mistake especially when you can willingly avoid the choice but choose to proceed anyway.
I believe in love. I do. I believe in love, though this life hasn't been kind enough to me to return a substantial measure of love back to me, I still believe in love for some people. Honesty is important to me. I'm not sure how people can be so dishonest with people they say they love and/or care for but it is a burden to me when I feel honesty as a struggle. Not that I don't want to be honest but I'm struggling knowing what loss could accompany a hard truth.
If I were a bad person, I'd probably have no problem with people hating me but I'm not a bad person. I'm not sneaky. I'm not inconsiderate. I'm not selfish. I'm not disloyal, disrespectful or arrogant in any way but despite all that, I'm still in a place where people may hate me. I never want to hurt anyone and before I do that, I will tell the person I love to walk away so they won't be hurt.
How do you tell someone you are growing to love very much that they should walk away and that they will be better without you when you know you won't be better without them? Maybe it won't matter to them and they will actually be relieved to be rid of this burden. Maybe that's all this life has made me; a burden. Unrequited love is even more difficult when you have to keep letting go while your heart struggles to hold on.
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