Anna Kendrick - Cups (Pitch Perfect's "When I'm Gone")

The Income Tax

I thought I'd take time out to write a fitting tribute to how I feel about the preparation of income taxes. I hope you like it.



The Income Tax
by Tru Essence


Income taxes...

I hate'm




Thank you for your time and attention. I hope you enjoyed my poem. I understand the need for taxes and what the money does but this crappy system is getting on my nerves and living in DC where we have some of the highest taxes in the country and still not able to be a contributing voice on Capitol Hill is even more annoying.

Just my opinion.  Anyway...gotta get back to it. Right after I finish watching Family Guy. (^_^)

MOVIES!!!! AND OTHER RANDOM STUFF

So, you know I have a story, right?

This has been an interesting weekend so far and I have lots to do but I wanted to take time and relax so I went to see Captain America: The Winter Solder for the second time and this is all I have to say. People who HAVE to talk in the movies should have to silence their mouths the same way we have to silence our cell phone, dang it!

There was a woman who kept acting like each scene was affecting her physically. I think I may have, in my mind, gone up to her and poured my drink on her. I was wishing she was in the movie so the Winter Soldier could shut her up. I digress. Back to the movies.

I have a new movie crush and Mr. Black Falcon has the honor of being it. HA! Anthony Mackle did a really great job in his roll as  Sam Wilson (Black Falcon). I have liked him in many of the rolls he's played over the years. Sam's personality and energy compliments the in-place cast of recurring characters.  It was even better the second time I saw it with exception to THE WOMAN MAKING ALL THE NOISE A FEW ROWS BEHIND ME WITH HER JUST AS LOUD HUSBAND/BOYFRIEND GUY!

Anyway, I'm really looking forward to the next installment of the Marvel movies.

I also saw Noah. Lots of water. O_O

Other Random Stuff:

What's up with the kids?

So, I work with a cool group of kids a few days a week on art projects and we will working to produce a book featuring their drawings and short stories so I'm very excited to be working with them. This is forcing me to draw more and not be afraid to do what I have always wanted to do. In my searching for how to work with them, I had to ask myself "What is it that you love?" I couldn't really answer that question. As I search for the answer, I can at least do some of the things I like. :)

I'm trying.

Today is starting off tough. I'm feeling way too many things. Going to shoot photos at the Sakura Matsuri Festival today. I'm hoping I'l feel better soon. It's hard when no one expects the strong to get weak.

I'll feel better soon. :)


#declaration
#heartstillhurts
#someoneisstrugglingmorethanI

LOVE. YEP. LOVE

My last few days have been saturated with love songs. Loss of love, new love, spiritual love, etc., and it seems depending what condition your heart is in at the time, EVERY song has the potential to make you cry

CRAZY! I KNOW!!

Now, the happiest song on the planet right now is "HAPPY" by Pharrell. Can someone please tell me how that song can make you cry???  lol

It did. smh

Music is a powerful vehicle for the emotion of love. Music, in many ways similar to colors, have characteristics that trigger emotional reaction from the notes, combination of notes, chords as well as the instruments that play these note. A soft violin triggers different emotional reactions than the same song played by a tuba, sax or piano; just as a room painted a soft blue will have a different impact than if that same room was painted an electric orange or pink.   Our senses are delicate and are even more heightened when you are going through a myriad of emotions.

I'm already a weepy person when things are awesome anyway so the emotions have been intensified this week by the music, the images of love as I pass through the city but they are beautiful just that same.

Today my songs of choice have been Ariana Grande's "Honeymoon Avenue", "Right There" (thanks to my awesome niece Courtney for hippin' me to the new school) and From the movie Disney's Frozen, "Let it go" and "Do you want to build a snowman".  All beautiful songs. Cried listening to everyone. smh.

Love is beautiful and tragic; glorious and defeating; consuming and fleeting.  Love is an entity that humans are so arrogant to think we can contain in a mere definition of words. Love cannot be defined by words. Love can only be defined through action, touch, presence, honesty, truth, respect and many other things that reflect what love really is. Love cannot simply be accepted because it is uttered. Love is the flowing musical notes sang or played by someone that is experiencing or has experienced an intense emotion. Love is absorbed in the paints on a canvas; the lines on a sketchpad; the color palette chosen. Love is the embrace of security; the kiss that feels desperate and haunting, as if you are trying to make a moment last forever while time slips away. Love is the effort put forth to make that good thing someone believes in you to be a true reality. However, love also shows you the harshness of reality but remains long enough for you to accept it and it picks you up. Love is one of the most confrontational things in the world. When hate, evil and chaos are swarming around, ready to consume, love step up in its face and says "BACK OFF! YOU'RE NOT WELCOMED HERE, SO BEAT IT!"  Love is fierce. Love claws it's way to you when everyone else gives up on you and leaves your heart for dead. Love digs until it finds your pulse and resuscitates what was left.

Love is and will always be.

The love of God is ever constant and never changing. Man's arrogance tries to define it but it can't be defined. God loves so much that forgiveness comes to the un-deserving but it comes. Some people have said that they give people three strikes to be forgiven but after that, no dice. Game over. Hit the bricks.

What if God gave us just three strikes?

Do we love like God?

With all that I mentioned love to be, can we express all of that with just three strikes and let go?

I hope we learn to love better and more often. I hope the people who receive the love and are what some may say "un-deserving" will shift their insight on the importance of what love is. You can enjoy love but it's not a game to be played.  This is why people think you can win or lose love. Love is eternal. People won't agree with me but I think if you love someone truly, it will remain long after they have left you. Sometimes the people we love die, leave, move on, and maybe even break your heart but there was a time when the love was right there in your face and you did, indeed, love. I don't think that disappears. People grow cold sometimes and some have even said they hate others. I believe that in order to hate someone you once loved, you have to still harbor a little of that love because it wouldn't hurt so bad if you didn't.

Those are just my opinions. They may change tomorrow. (shrug)

Loved ones, love always. Love faithfully. Love intently. Love with a desperation to keep it forever.

Love.

Ariana Grande - Honeymoon Avenue (with lyrics)

Today...

I woke up from a dream today and was jolted into the reality that nothing is the same as yesterday.

Today it started sinking in and I finally wept. I cried a little before but this morning it was different.

I don't want this to be a sad post so I'll keep it short. I realized that one of the characteristics of humanity is the capacity to make mistakes. We all do. Our imperfection is why we are human.  In our humanity we long for love in wrong places, commit acts that will harm and hurt people physically and emotionally, we bend faith back like a spoon as if we are tempting it to break then ask why if it doesn't and if it does. I also understand that it is our humanity that longs for perfected love.

There was a little girl at the fountains yesterday while I sat and pondered on what feels like ghost images of someone I love.  I have moments where I'm all "I will survive" then there are moments when I feel like my breath is being pulled out of me like strands of cotton from a cotton ball. The little girl. She left her family across the plaza and sat behind me at the fountain.  I heard a little voice and I stopped to listen. She was about 8 years old and after she made her wish I watched her skip to the other side of the plaza and she looked like me when I was her age. I was astonished at fact that she'd wished my wish and had my likeness.

Her wish was "I wish I could have my own bff forever."

I thought that wish was granted for me but...

I'm praying for her that she receives exactly what her heart desires. She was beautiful and in her spirit was a genuine need to be loved by someone forever. She's looking for someone who will love her through any difficult season and share the good seasons with her. She's looking for the one she can tell her secrets to and will hold her when she doesn't know anything else to do. She's looking for honest and genuine love. I think we all need that. She made me both smile and cry because after 40 years, she may find her self at this fountain with a little girl making the same with she'd wished for on this day. I pray her coin was not wasted and pray she remains well.

My wish has expired. one week. it's no easier.

I feel forgettable. Maybe that's good.

Don't forget.

Sometimes we must simply Let it go. Embrace tomorrow.

I had no idea how much I would grow to love and understand this song. Perfect. Let it go. My heart feels so much better.

The cold never bothered me anyway.

 

Can a sister get a future?

It's 3am and I have a lot on my mind. Today has been quite a roller coaster.  I think the initial feelings of anger have subsided and the feelings of disappointment of the last week has settled. I decided to start this chapter of my life by saying "Yes" more.  I have joined a gym and went to my first zumba fitness class. I was excited to do something I hadn't done before. I have Zumba at home but hadn't been to a class. It was quite intense. After I finished the class, I found myself to be more emotional than I thought I'd be.

This journey will be a long one and not an easy one but I'm willing to do what I have to do to be happy.  As I left the gym, I caught the bus with two others in my Zumba class  and had a very inspirational conversation with a woman who has been working hard with her weight loss and it encouraged me to stick with it. I'm excited.

I have felt like I've been wandering around the city in the haze for the last week. There was time for me to assess my next move. I plan to travel. I looked at my passport and the last international stamp was in June 2004. I'm overdue for a trip. I usually rely on having someone else to go with me. I'm learning that I have to just go where I need to or want to go even if some places I'll have to go alone. I will probably recruit my sister. Finding work, finishing my books, finding a place to live are my priorities. People kept asking me over the last few years if I was still planning to move to NY. We'll see.

I just want everyone to be happy and in my effort to make others happy, I have neglected my own happiness.  To be honest, I was very happy many days but there is an overall quality of life that I didn't focus on.  I am responsible for my joy. When you assign responsibility for your happiness to someone else they can and most times will let you down. I am responsible for my joy. My joy is my own. Tonight, I have an eerily peaceful disposition. I was in love. I am still in love however, I have to shift the object of my affection back to my heart and my gifts God has given me to be successful. I choose prosperity.

I don't know how new friends will play into my future since I don't have much trust in people anymore so this will be challenging for me. As always, I have to step up to my challenge. We'll see where I go.  I have also decided that my "woe is me" blogs are done for this season of heartbreak. lol. I will be more uplifting and happy from this point on. Real life requires real perspective on our circumstances and life happens but you don't have to let it keep you down.  In the eternal words of James Brown, "E'vrybody get up! (get on up)"

I'm up now LET'S GO GET IT!!!

RLRR...
B@PEACE
STAY TRU

Smile

Smiles are contagious unless it's a smile from the creepy clown that invades your nightmares and as of recent some roadside in some random US city. smh

This has been an extremely tough week but I have to keep telling myself, "smile" even when I don't feel like I will ever smile again.

Seems strange? Crazy? Unorthodox? Well, yes it is but when you are stuck in a place that starts feeling familiar and comfortable and you know you can't stay there, sometimes it takes something unorthodox to pull you out and place you back where you need to be.

Have you smiled today?

Why it is important to share a smile.

I saw so many baby girls today with their mothers. Some were so adorable with their mothers and made me smile and a few of the sightings upset my spirit. Not the babies but the relationship the mother was cultivating with the child. What I saw was one mother kissing her baby (about 3-5 months old) and in this stage the coo cooing is going on and you just love the baby and she's so so cute. Then I saw a little girl with her mother and siblings and the mother was on the cell phone while the little girl was bouncing around the train with her sister then the mother grabbed the girl and basically cussed her out like she was an adult. When she grabbed the child, the child almost bucked back at her but the look on the child's face reflected the attitude the mother had. It felt like they both were saying "I can't stand you." The mother did say something very negative to her but the entire episode upset my spirit.

If you don't know this about me, I don't have any children but I love them. I have had mixed feelings about having children but I have always wanted a daughter. I wanted her to have what I didn't have as a child, teenager and adult. As it stands, I am prepared to accept that children were not in my plan. This sometimes bother me because I feel that I won't have anyone to carry on any type of legacy I may have. It's hurtful when you think about it but I have accepted it. I'll be 40 years old this year and I am currently single so there is a great chance I will never have babies of my own. I haven't ruled it out but medical issues also play a role in my acceptance.

I look at these women and men with these children and though it sounds hokey and old school, these children are really our future. They are our present. These little girls will grow to be girlfriends and maybe wives and mothers. Are we equipping our baby girls with the love and support they will need to come to us when they need help and when they need answers in difficult times or are we setting them up to handle life the best way they know how which may not include love, support, wisdom and security? This same question goes for boys also but our girls;

Are we completely preparing them for what's to come?

In tough times and in their pain, do they feel like they can come to you?

Do you or have you shown them the kind of affection that lets them know that your arms are safe for them to fall into and cry?

Have you ever mentioned loving them so they feel that even if the world treats them mean, there is somewhere they can go to for love?

What are we giving to our baby girls? Even if they are teenagers, young adults or adult mothers, to someone, they are still baby girls.

In my observation, when the young mother was manhandling her daughter, I noticed a young girl standing on the train and she was looking at the little girl. As the little girl stared at her with what appeared to be a blank and unknowing facial expression, the young girl standing waved at her with a smile and said "Hi."  The little girl's expression never changed. The young girl kept waving and saying "Hi".  No change in expression.  What is in the life of this baby that she has such sorry on her face? I don't know her mother and she may love her but if you are willing to be that abrasive to her in public, imaging the environment at home. I'm not judging. I'm just saying I don't understand how people aren't loving on these babies. I know, someone are a handful and make you want to scream but they are still babies.

I love these little babies but they aren't mine and I have no control over how they are loved at home but we all need to be emotionally available in case we are sitting on the train and see a little girl with that expression. Will you have enough love in you to share a moment of it with a smile to a little girl who may not otherwise receive any?

Healing

“What happened in the past that was painful has a great deal to do with what we are today, but revisiting this painful past can contribute little or nothing to what we need to do now . . .” William Glasser

So...

As my last post stated, I just went through a painful breakup and I am aware of how raw emotions get when you breakup. Well, from simply from reading my post again, that was raw emotion. lol. Well, I meant every word but I also understand that you can dwell in the pain or you can fight your way back to a place of normalcy where you can go through a day without tears.

When I went through the breakup the last time, I cried more. For weeks you couldn't speak to me without me crying. I listened to the same Janelle Monet song over and over again. I felt like the song was being physically absorbed through my skin and into my heart and in exchange, my life energy was seeping out through my tears. It was excruciating and in hind sight, pathetic. lol.

When you love someone and the relationship ends, it is as if you are experiencing a death and you grieve. However, this breakup was different and though I have cried, the crying isn't automatic. It happens when I think of the so many great times we shared built on deception. Sigh. I think of the shared laughter and how great we understood each other but there is always the side that isn't revealed. Sometimes that side isn't that bad but when it's bad, it's bad. Not like murder bad but very disappointing. I sat and thought of how much fun we had. I thought of all the encouragement I received. I thought about the holding of hands, the sharing of dreams and how I didn't want to breakup but felt it was out of my hands and then I cried. I let myself cry because I have loved, love and will always love him. I think that deserves a few tears.

You will always have people who were not in your relationship who hear the reason why you broke up and say "Forget him. He's no good. He's not worth your tears. Never talk to him again. You'll find better." The truth is he may not be worth my tears but the love that was experienced then lost and will never regain is worth mourning over. Like I said, I was angry when I wrote my last post but because I know and understand him, I'm not angry anymore. I'm just sorry this is where we are now.

I remember the moment I realized he had a place in my heart. It was 1991 and even through the years we lost touch, the love was always there. The lesson here is sometimes love should remain in the heart. I don't regret loving him. Where ever his life leads him, I just pray for him. As for me, my tears will fade just as the memory of the affectionate pet names that we gave each other, Sunday breakfast dates, movie nights, art discussions, lunch at the top of the world, plans for the future and most of all, I won't have the random hyperventilating cry like I tend to break into (lol) but one thing I won't do is pretend that I didn't love him. I will not act like he didn't love me in some way. The point of forgiveness is to acknowledge and let go so  you can move forward. I am okay with that. Everyone deals with tragedy in their own way and this broken love is tragic to me.

sigh.

:)
This time I smile more. This time I say "we had fun". This time I say "I did love you. I do love you. I will learn to love again."

Love is good. I have to learn to trust again but that's a story for another time. 

Stay TRU Loved ones!

Identifying real love

When I think of the idea of love and what it means, I usually lean towards the definition of "love" based on the Holy Scriptures, however, we live in a society where the word "love" is as transparent as a one ply square of toilet paper.

In one moment of selfishness revealed, not confessed, five masks fell from one face and God said "LOOK MY DAUGHTER. See and understand."  I did just that not because I was blind but because I asked God to show me. Some of us who are victims of loving the unlovable do so because there is a longing to love and care within us that gives us hope even after we've been warned to run and don't look back. Sometimes we take heed and other times we run back into the storm hoping the shelter will be a little better this time and withstand the force of the strong winds.  We hope that the love will be truly reciprocated and appreciated. We are made to feel that what we see is true but it turns out to be an illusion; a slight of hand trick is what we receive and the trickster will hold on to this illusion as long as they can without consideration to your feelings. I have watched a magic show for a long time now and now I see the extra cards up the sleeve; the mirror in the case; the false compartment that reveals the stored assistant in the disappearing act. I see everything. 

The hit I just took is enough to make anyone declare war on the idea of love. It was enough to make anyone decide to never offer love again. It was enough to shield one's own heart from never being touched again. It was devastating. I, as well as others, questioned my certainty with staying in a relationship with this person and there is no answer that will satisfy anyone looking in from the outside. Only the heart knows why we do and accept things beyond the moments of understanding they should be let go of. There is a deadly and selfish trend that this society has embraced and cultivated as if it were a babe being trained to carry on its legacy. The appearance of love. We disguise our deception and selfish motives under the umbrella of "loving" someone but the selfish acts committed do not give way to the other's real love, feelings, loyalty, body, mind or soul. Worse is that this virus of a selfish agenda is ripping out the faith, confidence and belief that love is still possible. 

The saddest part for me to come to grips with is that we cannot escape the deception because it is out of our hands. For me, I guess I saw this coming. I just didn't know when it would reach the point of no return. You hear many people talk about relationships and what they would do "if..." Well, unfortunately, the "if" has to happen in order for your action to be activated. It's so very sad that people are willing to throw away relationships with their children, family, friends, all for the sake of keeping a lie going. I would call it pride but you clearly can't be proud of yourself if you are a liar, cheater, perpetrator of love. Now I have to begin to work on restoring my heart to it's rightful condition. The healing begins today. 

I promised myself I wasn't going to mourn the loss of this relationship but you mourn death and this is what it feels like. As great as I thought we were, I am now another statistic. I am, yet, another victim. What you may not know is I'm not surprised and saw it coming so my tears are few but I fear my heart will harden even more. After forgiving time and time again, the willingness to forgive starts to wear thin.  

The message in this was that you can't save people even if you think you are doing some good. Some people have to exist without you. The lusts of the flesh and arrogance of man are powerful but will become all consuming and set you up for self-destruction. Unfortunately, the dedicated and loyal are often betrayed and casts aside with no consideration. Today, I will not look at it as being cast aside because I walked away. 

Tonight, my prayers are with the four children affected. They are the ones who have to live with the legacy this man is going to leave them. I am really going to miss the ones I had the pleasure of getting to know and getting to love. 

To my heart and mind, healing begins today. Move forward, don't look back but smile each day to remind yourself that you can and that God smiles on you. It will take time to heal but my hope, whether realistic or not, is to release him from my heart and mind. Seeing him again, at this time I don't know what I would do. I don't know if that sounds angry or not but that's how I feel now. I pity him. That's all I have left.

To the man who willingly and knowingly brought me to this place of chaos, anguish and pain...

_____________________________________________________________________________