The Bitter and Sweet Notes of Love Experience

In this writing, I'll use the words "we," "us," and "you" as universal identifiers. Take nothing personal because chances are...Iown know you. 😝

I'm growing to love my imperfections more each day because I'm growing to love myself more, and my imperfections are a part of my makeup. We live in a contradictory world where many talk about being imperfect yet expect a perfected version of others. Imperfections are viewed as shortcomings of things that are expected to be absolute, perfect, and/or complete. 

As a procrastinating perfectionist who lives with imposter syndrome, you can see how things can become complicated on the love frontier. What I believe to be true doesn't always align with what I think others think of me, or sometimes what I think of myself. I'm not necessarily an insecure person; however, everyone has their own standards for what they believe is best for them. If we are measuring meeting those standards, admittedly, many times I don't meet someone else's standards because I've never considered anyone else's standards but my own. Honestly, I'm okay with that. Not that I don't think of others, but I'm now more selfish than I've ever been. The good selfish. The necessary selfishness. The most vulnerable thing one can do is often attached to the selfish act that the need for vulnerability creates.

What if your vulnerability isn't the "right" level of vulnerability they are seeking, but all you can offer, at least right now? 

The bitter notes of love begin when love begins; there is a chance that it will be unrequited or rejected, so the panic of heartache is a real thing that many deal with but is often discounted by others, unless it's their heart on the line. I know there is a sadness that surrounds limited expectations of what "love" should look like. Often comes from a very personal space that is influenced by one's expectations, experiences, and self-worth.  

Maybe I'm looking for easy love, but there has never been an easy love. Simple love, maybe. By easy, I mean effortless and nonintrusive, but love is one of the most intrusive things in this world. Honest love feels easy, and still, that's the hardest to navigate. The beauty of a thing is accompanied by the potential of the ugliest capabilities of that thing. The subjective idea of what is beautiful exists on the polarity spectrum of beauty and ugliness, meaning that for one of these identifiers to exist, the other must exist simultaneously on the polarities spectrum. All we can do is navigate between the two. Not sure how well I'm navigating, but come what may, I seek a beautiful and easy acceptance of me. Anyone who feels forced to want to be with or love me, yeah, I don't need it. Let's see what happens. 

The more mature I grow, the less I cling to any one idea of what love should look like. I have had moments of love-sick feeling or the desperation of love. You don't have to be considered a desperate person, per se, to love desperately.  I'm open to what the universe gives, though I'm not easily impressed or convinced by what others say. I trust the universe, not people. I know what I don't want and I have made that known to the universe as well, while realizing that sometimes I don't desire the things I need. My needs override my wants. Don't accept just any ole version of love as dictated by someone who has their own motives to manipulate love. Clarity and wide eyes are the best ways to assess what is true for you when it comes to relationships (whatever those relationships may be). 

***Disclaimer: Truth is objective, and what is, a fact-based experience. "Your truth" is what you believe or are convinced to be true in your situation. Know the difference. 

Be wary of those who boost their value with words instead of action. Let your motto be "Show and Prove" in this season of love. "Eyes wide open," love seems contradictory to the whole "blinded by love" scenarios most experience. Sometimes you don't know what you don't want until it shows up and you think, "Nah. That ain't it." Guess what. That's okay, too. don't feel pressured to accept less because that's what's offered. Puh! Keep pushing, loves. Live life and be open to love showing up authentically just for you in a way you will identify and accept it. 

Love always,

Coach TRU💋

I make mistakes, but...

I go through seasons. We all do. They may look different from other people's seasons but yes; we all have our seasons. My current season is stressful, a little lonely, uncertain, scared, and unknowing of how to navigate the feelings that are within this season. How do I shift my own emotions from, well, emotional to active production that carries me into my next season? Everyone always has the answer to someone else's problem but never their own.

Well, many people seem to believe they can see other people's issue more clearly than their own but for some, they don't necessarily see someone else's obstacle with clarity but see what they wish THEY could do if they were in the other person's situation. That may not be as helpful when disseminating advice to someone in need. You have to pull yourself out and consider the person with the challenge. Help them navigate the issue in a way that is palatable for them.

I can go down a long list of hurts, disappointments, broken-hearted situations but what will be revealed is how self-absorbed this season is making me. This isn't really such a negative but when you focus so much on your own issues, you suffocate under their weight. Sometimes we must focus on something else that lifts a weight off of our situation. Good things like helping someone else in need is always good. Being present while the good things in life happen around you helps to put things into proper perspective. Finding opportunities to be happy and excited are excellent ways to lift the stress from your situations. Your situations may not dissipate but you need to look at them with fresh eyes.

I feel deeply and honestly, I know that gets on people's nerves but I can't and won't change that because it took me damn near 40 years to get to this place of self-awareness and self-compassion. What is being revealed to me, however, is that not everyone has made it to where I am emotionally and they may not be able to relate to how I deal with things. I, too, still have a long way to go on my journey as well. 

Some find my silence, alone, to be too much to handle and here's the thing, I simply have to be silent sometimes. There is so much chaos inside sometimes that my own voice just adds to the noise. In my mind, I can compartmentalize the issues, place them in their own corners and deal with them one by one. I can't do that contributing to the chaos. This is a part of my mindfulness evolution. Many people don't talk about the things they avoid. I am silent so I can gain perspective on my feelings and be able to articulate my thoughts and feelings more effectively.

I'm not sure why my silence is so uncomfortable. I was told that my silence can be deafening especially when people are used to me having my thoughts together. I have come to the conclusion that people will have to be uncomfortable with my silence from time to time. I can't be all things to everyone and if everyone wants me to be someone different to make them comfortable then I become fragmented and lose myself. We all deserve to be true to ourselves and that includes within our introspective moments.

Fear of speaking is not the same as taking time to assess one's thoughts. For me, it's not a fear of being honest, gaining clarity, putting everything on the table or even having challenging conversations. I actually like challenging conversations because I learn a lot about myself and others. Sometimes we just need time. A true friend will learn that about you and honor your choice to take the time you need to figure things out. They will also love you enough to take that time with you.

Admittedly, sometimes silence can signify the end of one's efforts to continue running in circles. Other times it's a necessary pause. For anyone that cares for me, they will understand my need to pause or simply stop. Anyone who only considers their comfort level will only consider THEIR comfort level and cannot allow others to process their feelings in a timely and necessary way. I recently had someone tell me, while I was in my moments of struggling with my feelings and MAJOR traumatic shifts happening in my life, that he was momentarily uncomfortable after like 15 minutes and he just had to withdraw from the friendship. He tells me this after months of me being there for him in tough situations and making sure he was okay by being present and actively listening to him. Well, as hurtful as that was to me to be rejected, in a moment when I needed him the most, I just simply said "okay".

We shouldn't have to apologize to people for needing time to center.

Any given day, I have a hundred competing priorities in my head so if you like or love me, at all in any way, you will allow me to pause. Let me rephrase that. You will allow yourself to be patient with my pause because I'm pausing whether people are comfortable with it or not. I have to take care of myself the only way I know how to. I make mistakes all the time but caring for myself is never one of them. Trust me, I wish the same for you and will always honor your decisions to take care of yourself.