Not Me

Not Me

by TRU Ess 

((c) T.L.A. 2021)

I know her name

and it is not my name

I know he speaks sweetly to her 

in a way that is unique to her 

and not quite the sweetness he spoke to me with

but it's hers

I know her name

and it is not my name

I know that his thought space my image use to occupy 

now is a space with a new occupant

who decorates that space with different tapestries, candles, and fragrances

much different than the heart decor I designed for my time in that space

a lease that I thought would turn into ownership but became prorated

but it's no longer my space

and I know her name

and it is not my name

I read her name but never spoke it out loud

It wouldn't make her any less real to hear it 

but it made it more real 

that I would never be in that space again

The calm felt was a mixture of relief and resistance

Maybe if I were more angry this would make sense

but instead, I pause

and try to remember the quality of his voice as he said my name while I lived in his heart space

It was melodic and many times symphonic

but it arrived to the last stanza, the last bar, the last note, the last rest

It was done

and everyone left the hall to head into different directions

she now accompanies him on his journey

It is not for me to know where it leads them

but I turn right, and head down my own road

being conscious of how much my image dissipates as he travels more into his journey and I into mine

in the moments my heart feels what I think may look like sadness

I remember that I know her name

and her name is not my name

and I smile and keep walking forward down my road to wherever