Okay okay, I concede.

As of late, I have endured stressful times and some notable mood changes. Not necessarily swings though but we all know that Valentine's Day is coming up on the 14th of Feb which is 5 whole days away. For me, however, this will be a cousin's weekend with one of my favorite cousins. Both of us are single so we decided that screw Valentine's Day. It will be a fun filled weekend with movies, food, games, outings, etc. I'm more excited for Valentine's Day this year than previous years simply because my cousin want to have fun and I don't have to worry about gifts I won't receive, cards that will never make it to me or people stressing over plans they won't be making anyway. 

I have been saying lately that I don't believe in romantic love anymore. That's not true. I do. I just don't believe in romantic love for me right now in my life. I don't believe I would benefit from it until I pull my life together for myself. I believe love can be the most beautiful thing in the world but I have lost faith in people so it's hard to believe in a beautiful thing like love if you can't believe in the vessels that suppose to embody love. Yeah, it's challenging but love is still and always will be wonderful thing. My choice to love these days belongs to me. I have tried to love others without fully understanding how much I should love and appreciate all of what and who I am. I can't love someone else fully while partially loving myself. All that I am working on for my life requires my full attention. My hopes for romance, if I do have hopes, is that when I am finally whole and in a place of complete contentment with my progress and success level, someone else's complete self will be attracted to my completeness. 

I will no longer give my wholeness to someone who isn't complete.  We all are ever growing in who we are and are to be but you can come to a place where you are happy with where you are and anything else will make life that much better. 

I am happy to love. I will be happy to romantically love again. I want people to love. It's a fulfilling component to life. Loving isn't the issue. It's the trust and vulnerability that scares people. I confess it scares me as well but I think that you have to take a chance on love. Risk. We have to be willing to risk heartbreak in an effort to have our hearts desires fulfilled. It's really a 50/50 crap shoot but for the right person, it could prove to be worth it. 

My coworker asked me if I wanted to have a baby. Such a random question. I told her I did not want to have children. If I have not had them by now, I wouldn't be having any. I understand that married people want their single friends to have the wives/husbands and kids as well but I have removed that component from my plans. Now I have no idea what God has in store but apparently He may be in agreement with the no kids plan for me. (shrug) I don't know. Anyway, love is great. I don't understand if everyone grasps the vital life changing and saving factors that love holds. It's not just something to say to convince someone to sleep with you, not be mad at you, said out of habit or to get you something. 

If you never say the words "I love you" to someone, they should be able to feel it through your actions and the ways you show them love. Money isn't love, not to say buying a gift doesn't show love but love is a radiating energy that comes from the soul and when someone loves you, it's like you can feel their love just by standing in their presence. THAT'S the kind of love I hope to have one day. A love where they look at you and you feel like you are falling into their eyes and being absorbed into their essence; feeling their need for you on a greater plane than sexual, financial, or even emotional. When you really and truly love someone, especially romantically, it's important to love that person the way THEY receive love and not how you wish to receive love. If I feel love through communication and time shared, those are the ways that I will know you love me. If your way of being loved is touch and encouragement, trust me, I'll touch and encourage you because I know those are things that touch the core of who you are. 

sigh.

I guess I do believe in love. 

Sometimes you just have to say or write the words to convince yourself that all is not lost. 

Loved ones, please experience the fullness of love. It's never to late and don't settle for the imitation of love. Hold out for the real thing. You won't be sorry. 

Some days you just sit.

Sup?


I'm alright. Thanks for askin'.


Well, the truth is I'm not that alright. I'm trying to be. Actually, I'm pretty tired of trying to be okay. Forgive me if this seems a little down in the mouth but that's the point of this blog. Honesty in emotion, love, life and everyday beauty or crap that affects us or me rather. I think "us" because by an extension of our essences I believe we all are intertwined via spirit and emotion on this physical plane.

I have the blogs for my writing and the entertainment and style but this one is for the purpose to release what's inside about love and life. Sometimes, it's more than I care to share. Sometimes, it's more than others care to read or hear. Sometimes, it's simply self therapy since I don't have the money to hire a counselor. Sometimes, it's just a series of statements that I know no one will or wants to acknowledge; questions no one will or wants to answer. Some may see this as venting; others as complaining. Some may feel many different ways about it but none of that matters. The only thing that matters is how I feel when I place the last punctuation mark behind the last word and hit the "publish" button.

Simply put,

I write because someone else feels how I feel sometimes or knows someone who's going through a difficult time and they don't always know how to communicate what's wrong or how they feel. A lot of people don't even know why they feel the way they do. All they know is that they feel. Intensely feel. 

I sat today. For a while, with just my earbuds in my ears, I sat and listened. With certain songs on repeat, stared at the ceiling. In spurts, visions flashed in my mind of almost every event in my life. Those events, remembered and forgotten, all danced together as if they knew one another. They introduced themselves to my dreams, remembered and forgotten, new and old; amusing my memories. In every flash of something slightly familiar I felt like I wanted to grab onto them and examine each one to find a valid reason why I feel how I do; why I am how I am and when would I stop feeling this way. Time after time, each memory slipped through my fingers as water in a torrential downpour.

Can you catch the rain and hold it with only your open palm?

I had a dream last night. A love gone by was there as were some friends I rarely see but the most important part of the dream was the group of what looked like a parade of voodoo priests and priestesses marching through the streets of what looked like a university during some sort of school celebration that turned into something scary and dark.  My friend and I, with her younger sister, just took off running and running so we could get away from the chaos. I don't know. At some point, on the way to my friend's house and during all the chaos, I needed to stop at Target to get a coat because I was cold.

SMH

 

Dreams; plain ole cray cray.

I don't believe every dream has some deep msg that is meant to change your life or warn you of something. Some dreams are just dreams but because of all I've been going through, I feel this one speaks to the darkness and the light that are battling inside or what it appears to be the detachment from my spiritual self. Spiritually, I've been torn for the last several months. When there is a riff in your belief system, that is the point where other more sinister ideologies may creep in. Maybe they aren't sinister more than they are just idea to help you question what you firmly believe or if there is a hybrid belief system brewing in you that really doesn't speak to the words people have told you about God or anything else. Maybe at some moment every experience you've lived is validated by God in its genuine spiritual knowledge and you develop a true relationship with THE entity that rules the universe and they give you truth; not as man has written but as it is.

 Ooooor maybe I just need to stop stressing over things I can't control.

I don't know. Solitude, for me, only brings more questions. Maybe if I write a book of questions, someone will write the book of answers.

I'll write about love but I feel each day the idea and meanings for love move farther away from me. At this moment, this very moment in my life, I am not sure I can take another blow. I'm kinda lying on the ground now so the next step, if I take another hit, will be for the ground to open up and swallow me whole. I'm not sure I'd mind.

Sounds depressing but I think it's just that sometimes, some of us try so much and so hard to the point that we don't know how to try anymore. Some view it as giving up but I don't see it that way. I see it as I simply can't lift my arms to be pulled up anymore. Sounds lazy doesn't it? smh

Well, with all that's in me, I continue. If I have to just sit for the rest of the day, I will. I'm not equipped for this world and it has expressed to me that it has no faith in me either.

I'm going to punch the world in the fucking face.

With love...smh
peace y'all.

A Shining Star

This will be a quick post because it's after midnight and I really should be up for work in about 4 hours.

My heart was broken not more than 6 hours ago after learning that the world has lost such a talented and beautiful songwriter and musician that I have looked up to for years. Maurice White, founder and former front man of the unbelievably incredible awesome group, Earth Wind & Fire; also known as simply EWF or The Elements. I cried. I mean every song I listened to in Maurice's memory brought a stream of tears to my eyes. This man penned music that transcended the mere compositional structure of music and breathed life and soul into lyrics that climbed off the paper and out of the radio, taking you on a trip through time, space, emotion, love, destiny, history, self love, awareness and humanity.

My heart is broken but I'm so glad we have so much wonderful music to listen to and think of Maurice. As I listen to EWF ballads to sing me to sleep, I will remember Maurice's glow and exuberant life while we had him here. He battled sickness since his retiring in the 1990s and lived with Parkinson's Disease for a long time. I grieve this master of life and love set to music and honor his memory. Though this is tough, I was glad to hear that he passed away peacefully in his sleep. He wrote and sang of love, peace of mind and loving  yourself enough to love others as well. The inner strength EWF often sang of is something everyone, no matter who they are, should know and feel inside.

Thanks Maurice. This Earth will never be the same without you. 

There are too many legends and pioneers in entertainment leaving so quickly this year. It feels like someone is dying almost everyday.

Love one another. I know I doubt love sometimes but we need it. All of us. Time is fleeting and we'll look up to only experience our last breath and wonder  what we could have done differently, better or at all. Loved ones, don't let time move forward without you embracing and accepting all that love is and all that it means. Love is easy. People are complicated. Let's stop making things so difficult for love's sake.  Love is Written In The Stone.

Maurice White 1941-2016

Rest Peacefully

OMG...LOVE!

Life's Love Lesson #109387 

OMG...LOVE!

Okay. This is not necessarily about love. lol. It's more about something I want to do and my growing love of/for it.

Comics...
Graphic Novels...
Illustrated Novellas

So a while ago I came up with the idea of writing a comic series. The only thing is I don't draw that well but I have been knocking the idea around in my head and I think I'm loving the idea more and more. My plans is to actually create an animated short from this idea this summer and see how it flies.

The Beautiful Tomorrow is the name of the story and of course it's about a young woman and her challenges to remain sane in an insane reality where she's the happy unhappy girl but always searches for the proverbial silver lining. She is often met with harsh realities making it almost impossible to want to stay positive but she manages to turn each situation into a lesson until she comes to a place where she hits a brick wall and leaves it to her two confidants to steer her in the right direction. The only problem with that is that these "friends" are pretty ass backwards and have absolutely no clue how to help her with her challenges. Aaaaaah. Isn't that just like reality.

What I love is the potential to write so many great stories for this character.  I don't want to make her universe extremely big. I want the stories to be the focal point.  It's more of a thinking comic. It's pretty funny. Lots of sarcasm, introspection, digs at many of the ridiculous pop culture references of the day.

I refuse to write the story in a vein of sounding parallel to my life because my life really could be a graphic novel but I want her life to be expansive but have her friends be understandably myopic because often it's those close to you that are so close they can't really see why you are having a hard time. Idiots. lol

But I'm falling in love more and more with the idea. I have always liked comics but the love has grown over the last 6 or 7 years. I have a very specific artist in mind for the illustrations and I hope she's available to work with me. Keep your fingers crossed!

I'm truly excited about this project because it's a slight departure from my other writing projects and the work that I'll be doing this year with other artists. I love diving back into the artist pool.

Anyway, You will be able to follow the evolution of this project on my Weeping Fountain blog (once I update it. I've been lazy). That's where I keeps my literary stuffs. :)

Weeping Fountain Publishing

truessencepoetry.blogspot.com

Life's Love Lesson #247 - Your Defining Love

Life's Love Lesson #247 

What you define love to be is the standard by which you seek the same in return. 

Many of us approach the concept of love from very different perspectives. We are divided among the ideas that love is a feeling, an action or a combination of both. Some feel that love is just an illusion rivaling that of the affects of an opium like substance; a result of a chemical affect we experience when a series of events and actions evoke strong feelings of desire, pleasure, or more simply put, happiness.

One thing to know about love is whenever you allow someone else to define your standard for love, you will never be truly fulfilled because love is tailored to each individual in such a way that though you may experience similar events in your life as someone else, your love is yours and your actions, reactions, emotions and subsequent decisions are based on an individual standard of love and what that standard means to you.

When you begin to learn why your love standards became to be what they are and how unique they are to you, then will you be able to identity in others, those qualities and feel a comfort in knowing that you have the capacity to choose love wisely. Love, itself however is not always intelligent. We leave it to our hearts to know what real love is and so many times our hearts have gotten the formula wrong but does our hearts understand what it's looking for or just relying on some magical feeling to verify love.  This is when you consult your brain. Many people don't regard the mind as a reliable resourse when it comes to love. The mind is absolutely one of the greatest assests for loving someone.

Nope. Not your penis or birgina (I spelled that like that on purpose. someone will get the reference).  Your mind is THEE best sex organ you will have. Okay the other ones are wonderful and pretty fun but the mind? Dammit. It's a sexy beast. Any way. How do you define love? What is love to you and in what way do you like people to show love to you? I would really love to hear back from you.

Be@Peace Loved Ones!

The Hook Up

Life's Love Lesson #90900

The Hook Up

If you have a heart, you still have the capacity to love.

I have decided that I would try to keep my blog more on the side of the positive aspects of love. Not to say I won't write about heartache at all but even in heartache, remembering the good things about love helps you cope; even if just a little. 

The last year has been uber crazy but I'm good. I ended 2015 with a decision to walk away from a few "ships" that weren't taking me anywhere. I loved them. Well one, the others I just liked a little bit but nevertheless, I had to release whatever they were but love, in all that it is and can be, is always good.  I haven't dated much since last June and honestly, I don't really want to date much but I guess you have to get to know people some way or another.  I bring up the dating thing because I have made mention before how none of my friends or family have ever asked me about my dating life or if I wanted to be fixed up or ever even suggested setting me up with anyone. I guess if they don't feel I'm that appealing then they would think someone else wouldn't find me attractive. 

FUCK THAT! I'M HOT!!!! lol

Anyway, I have realized that what other people call flaws in me are the perfection of who I am. I wouldn't be me without them so, yeah, I'm great. I'm not gonna go into self improvements. That's not my point for this particular blog although everyone can use some improvement. No one's perfect but sometimes, when you are happy with loving yourself, "flaws" and all, the improvements are not necessarily to fix something that is broken. The improvements are more like enhancements. Anywho...

So yesterday, one of my sweet and crazy coworkers comes in my office and says "Are you single?"

My first thought was "Oh God, Why?"

I said "Yeah. Why?" This crazy woman says "I have this friend who asked me if I knew any nice single women and I told him most of my friends were married but I did tell him I worked with a few single women.  I told him about you." 

I said "Now why are you telling people about me?" lolol. She says "I have a picture of him on my phone at my desk." So of the four of us in the office, I'm the only single one. My coworker asked her if she was married and she said "No. I was married but that ended last year. We were together a long time."  

Okay, so now my question is "Why are you trying to set me up with the supposedly great guy and you are single yourself?" I smell some fish somewhere. 

My first question was "How tall is he?"  She said he's pretty tall. He's taller than you. 

O_O

That didn't answer my question. If he's 5'6" he's taller than me. I told her I need someone at least 6'4". lolol. 

Shiiiiii...

Dated a guy last Fall and he was about 6'4". Yeah. I like tall.

Anyway, I walk to her desk and she shows me his picture and I start thinking again (because that's what I do).  She has a picture on her phone. She's single. She says she talked to this guy then says she doesn't know if he has kids or not and that she knows him through a friend. That means she doesn't really know him well. Because I know how to add 2 and 2 together, I'm assessing that maybe someone tried to fix him up with her and she didn't want to date him. lol. Maybe not but I'm not the dumping ground for men who can't find anyone else. lol. 

It's all good though. He wasn't bad looking but there wasn't an overwhelming attraction to him when she showed me his picture. That's not to say he isn't wonderful in person. Oh well, maybe. We'll see but I have to give her credit. At least she thought of me. These other losers in my life are terrible. It's like no one cares if I find love or not. lolol. I have four sisters and two brothers and no one has ever said "I have a friend who's single. Want to meet him?" That's all good though.

I guess I'm just not lovable. (Fake Frowny Pouty Face) 

Let me say I love love.  I won't hold love hostage because of previous heartaches. I view them as very intense lessons that, apparently, I needed to learn. I'm educated now so yep. 

Love is beautiful. Some people will only know what they think is love but is actually the palest comparison to the authentic article. Some people are searching for themselves in places and people; trying to fill that void they have named "love" but how long will they search before they stop and realize that the source of their desire lies in understanding who they really are and what they truly want from love and someone else.  How do they want to be loved? Truly? Can they communicate that to someone so that they feel like they are being loved the way they desire to be?

We all need to communicate love, not just physically. Sex is not love. Sex is sex. It may be fun and wonderful and the best thing ever but it's not love.  What happens if you can't have sex anymore? What then? 

Okay, I veered off topic a bit. Back to the hook up. 

No. I don't want to be "hooked up" right now. lol. 

2015 was the year of breakups, avoiding a crazy dude in Italy who wanted me to have babies FOR him (tha fux???), a man with very few words who I couldn't really communicate with, a man who claimed me as their future wife causing me to but the kibosh on the whole thing real quick and finally gave it a try but walked away (like a boss) from someone I considered a dear friend since about 2009 and thought I could really love but realized I would only be wasting my time and my love. 

2016, I don't intend on dismissing the idea of love but I have to love me intensely and completely. I have major goals and I'm going to take this time to see those visions and goals to fruition. If I meet someone, okay but it's not my objective. At my age, not that I'm old, if no one has tried to hook me up with someone before now, I'm not extremely eager to be set up now. No thank you ma'am/sir. 

My advice to the rest of the world?

Fall in love! Be that jackass couple everyone rolls their eyes at saying "All that is not necessary." Kiss in public. Grab each other asses and giggle. Hold each other like you don't want to walk away from one another. Be excited about each other's dreams. Embrace one another. Not just a simple "I'm hugging you but I don't really like hugging" hug but an embrace where you hold on and maybe rock a little but you hug so completely that no air can find it's way between you two. Cuddle. Send goofy texts with inside jokes that only you two get. Love like you knew for sure that you would never see that person again. Love with urgency.  But before you love someone new, make sure you are in a position to love them. Don't hurt them trying to love everyone else as well. That's selfish and Love is not selfish. Love is many things but selfish is not one of them.

Love, loved ones!

Do you have love goals?  You should. They are great!

People And Their Stuff - Part 2

Life's Love Lesson #90898People And Their Stuff

As for Bill...(is where we left off)

Men are forever saying women use sex as a weapon but this is just plain foolishness. I get where he's going, too, but my take away from this was "If you give me sex I'll work on being better." Shit, even though it sounds a little selfish that she would ask him to do those things, ultimately those things would benefit him the most but all he could see was sex. 

People are going to miss out on lots of things when they only focus on sex but hey...to each his own.

Today, the young lady was telling me how she still doesn't feel the same about him and though she comes off very sweet and nice, there have been many times we've talked and apparently she's been told she is the best thing since sliced bread so there is a little arrogance there where she feels men have to bend over backwards for her. Hey, if you can get away with it, why not, right? When a man, moves you from another state, drives you to and from work every day, puts a roof over your head and send flowers to your office every few weeks for no reason at all, drives all the way to your job in the middle of the day to bring you lunch; I kinda think he thinks you're his girlfriend. There is nothing wrong with doing those things. They are wonderful but she, as "sweet" as she is comes off as someone using him and bottom line is she is. We all use one another but in this case it's deliberate.  I know she is planning to move on and she has said she has told him this. 

My only words for her is be honest with Bill and begin to become more independent so that when she move on it won't be a shock to his system and there will be no bad blood between the two. He's doing a LOT for her and she's not giving anything in return. That will also leave him a little bitter and when the woman comes that will truly feel the same way and appreciate him, he may not want to go all out for another woman for fear that he'll be taken advantage of. If he's truly a nice dude (aside from that jacked up privilege comment he made to her) he'll find a nice girl who will love him. He's looking for love and Elle isn't the one. 

There is nothing wrong with having preferences when choosing a mate. We all have them. I cannot call someone's preferences/expectations/standards unrealistic because who am I to say that they are. Some may call my expectations unrealistic but they are mine. I would say your expectations should be known upfront. Now some people will lie and act as if they are fulfilling your expectations when they have their own agenda and don't intend on fulfilling those expectations. Expectations are not the same as requirements. Standards is more like requirements with wiggle room. If you have these standards and the person you meet don't meet those standards upfront or at least be working on it, don't waste your time. Not to say that person isn't worth getting to know but you can't change people. They have to change themselves so getting into a relationship with someone you think needs to "change" will only make you frustrated. 

I'll use myself as an example. I'm a plushy plump woman; a BBW, if you will. I have known many guys over my life who, no matter how lovely or nice or sexy I may be, will never prefer me and that's okay. If someone likes me but think I'll be better as a smaller woman, no matter how much he tries to convince me to lose weight, he cannot make me. He can encourage me but ultimately I'll have to do the work and that will only happen if I really want to. He cannot come into my situation and say "Change because I would prefer you this way." His best bet would be to say "I like her but I'd prefer someone smaller." and go find someone smaller. If he tries to change me and I don't change, he'll see someone else anyway and that will cause lies and hurt feelings. I'd rather you leave than to cheat. On the flip, if he tries to change me and I don't want to change, I'll resent him for not loving me the way I am and that will also cause great friction in the relationship. 

I'm a bald lady as well so if you want to run your fingers through someone's hair, I'm not the one. For now, I'm the fat bald lady. Deal with it. lol

Anyway, love is easy. Relationships aren't easy. People are complicated but love is easy when you know how to love and how you want to receive love. There is a huge difference between loving someone and wanting someone to fill a void that you have named love.