Venting today. Not mad just blah....

I woke up this morning and lay awake thinking about this place I have found myself in life at this moment.  I asked several questions that I'm not sure I can answer.

Am I really happy or is it a mask that I wear?

Who is really there for me (unconditionally) like I am for them? 

If gravity lapsed for just a moment and I dropped off the face of the earth, would anyone even know I was gone?

Tru Essence

I don't think people know how sensitive I am and that any time I speak up it takes a lot in me to lay my emotions to the side and really say what's on my mind.  People are built differently and just because one person may have always been the type of person who doesn't filter themselves and say whatever they want, that doesn't mean it comes as easy to the rest of us.  Some of us tremble at the thought of having to let inner thoughts fly into the atmosphere because people are not accepting of others' thoughts, feelings, ideas, and criticism as they say they may be.

Don't mistake honesty for being tough.

Though it may be easier to cower and lie to people, lying also absorbs unnecessary energy that I can't afford to waste.  When I'm honest with someone about how I feel, how they are acting or anything in general, it's not to make some sort of stance on how tough I can be.  Being honest with people is frightening at times.  You may lose friends, distance family, lose a love, or even end up in a very lonely place because you decided to tell the truth about something, someone or just say how you truthfully feel.  And just to clarify, I don't mean like those condescending people who are smug and trying to let you know that they think they are better than you.  Those people get joy over pointing out what they feel are your flaws.  I'd rather edify you in your triumphs.


People feel attacked even when you aren't attacking.  Some people can't recognize when you are actually supporting them because somewhere between the words leaving your mouth and entering their ears, the message goes from positive to negative and the worse part is when you have braced to say what needs to be said and when it's received the opposite way, you really don't know how to recover it so you remain silent and that misunderstanding creates a new problem that the other person appears not to want to resolve.  In that moment of annoyance, they have the opportunity to act in a way that they want and justify their actions with your own words.

So, you choose to be an ass because you didn't like what I said?  Somehow, that doesn't help the situation.

In situations like that, I feel that people have their own agenda and are just waiting for an opening to give them an excuse to behave a certain way. I've seen it over and over again so this is very familiar behavior to me.

I have received harsh criticism about almost every aspect of my life from spectators who are only watching from the outside.  I have accepted the criticism of those closest to me and have taken that it and did many many nights of self analysis.  I've been told I'm talented, smart, creative, beautiful, funny, and other things and I accept those things graciously.  However, I have been told that I'm lazy, unfocused, don't reach my potential, fearful, lack disciple, that I think I know everything, and other things that I hear and try to see if there is any truth in them before I react.

Bottom line is whether the person giving the criticism is doing so out of love or out of petty jealousy or just trying to hurt your feelings, we have the right to react but your reaction distinguishes your character, not the character of the person giving the critique.

You ever get the feeling that it's you and not them. 

Some days I still feel like that teenager who's afraid of the harshness of the world.  I think we all are just looking for someone or something to love to keep us internally grounded or we feel like we'll float away.  God, people, things, drama; we all have something we hold onto to keep us wanting to wake up each day. Unfortunately, many have lost that desire and thus deciding waking up again was a lost cause for them.  My heart aches for each soul that felt or feels that way.  I understand that feeling.  I have felt it.  I fight it everyday by searching with intent to find someone and something to love.  We are in a battle for life and soul sustainability.

With that said, sometimes I think I'm so inwardly focused that I can't see beyond my own feelings, even though I feel that I have been a good friend to others.  I do have to ask myself if it's me that has issues with people or do I pick the wrong friends or if the one I feel is my best friend doesn't love me enough to call me his best friend.  I would go crazy trying to figure out how other people feel so I try to only focus on what I feel and maybe that's a bit selfish and maybe even considered arrogant at times but I'm just Tru and there's not much I can do about it.  I've recently gotten in the habit of telling myself to let things go.  It's apart of my personal 'Pick Your Battle" campaign.  In these cases, it is I who chose how and when to react and I don't let others pull me into a reaction for their purpose.

I wish life was much simpler.


Some people don't want you to have faith in them. 

When people feel that you will disapprove some of the things they say and do and will pick a fight just so you can lose a little more faith in them.  By doing this they feel you won't hold them accountable for anything if you know they are not dependable.  This is a convenient way to get off the hook for being a decent person.  I have learned that people hate looking into mirrors held by other people.


Damned if you do; Damned if you don't.

Yeah. I really don't have anything else to say about that.  It's self-explanitory.


From a distance, that bottle floating in a water just looks like another ripple. 

I was riding to work on the bus yesterday and as we crossed the bridge I looked over the water and notices a small thing in the rippling water that looked like a plastic bottle.  Now of course I'm thinking of the environmental implications of the bottle being in the water but I noticed that if you didn't stare at it long enough, you would think it was simply another ripple in the water.

Being the person that I am, I started thinking how some of us are like floating bottles being mistaken for ripples in the water. We walk, live, talk, exist among a sea of content people who are satisfied with the status quo but every now and then someone looks hard enough and notices that we are not like everyone else.  Up close, it's obvious that we don't belong but from a distance we blend in, unknowingly, to be mistaken as just another part of the scene to be taken for granted.

I'm painting stripes on my bottle.  I bet you'll see me from a distance next time.

Convince yourself to be happy.

TRU

I have been irritated all day.  Have you ever had a day where it started off irritating and just kept that pace the entire day?  I hope not but in case you have, I feel your pain. My mind and spirit have been rattled a little but the constant for me today has been my music to keep me from randomly smacking people for random reasons or no reason at all.  No, I'm not violent but when you feel like I felt today you want a release. Screaming, swinging at the air, working out, anything that will let you get that feeling of frustration off your chest so it won't linger too long.  I spent most of the day traveling around my city on a wild goose chase and it may not have been so bad if my journey hadn't started out with me already annoyed.

I don't like when I'm upset. One of three things may happen.

1. I don't say anything...for a long time. Keeping things to myself is a habit. One reason, I have found out, is no one really cares most of the time what's bothering me so I keep it to myself. 
2. I speak my mind and have people piss me off a little more by telling me to calm down when I'm perfectly calm.  That can make me angrier than the initial reason I was angry.  Only a very selected few have ever seen me really go off and when I do, trust, THEN you really will want to tell me to calm down. 
3. I find a way to make myself feel better. I need not to be angry over small things because I have so many big things I'm trying not to be upset about so my energy is already accounted for. 

Anyway, throughout the day, I kept my mind and ears filled with music. Even at my most annoyed I sang my songs. My gospel, jazz, soul, and whatever I had on my ipod.  As the evening wrapped up, I found myself feeling better. Not completely over my issue but nevertheless, feeling better.  My niece and nephews came for a visit and because they are so silly, my mood had to change.  Sometimes you have to tell yourself to let things go so that you can move forward.  I could very well hold on to my frustrations but I have so many other areas of my life that could use that energy so I'm fine or as fine as I can be in my hot bedroom at 3:00AM.

I was listening to neosoulcafe.com (WHICH I LOOOOOOVE) and came across this video by Zo! called "Count to Five".  I just heard it for the first time about an hour ago and I am soooooo loving it! This song made me happy.  I also listen to Pharrell's song for the Despicable Me 2 soundtrack called "HAPPY".  Take a listen at http://soundcloud.com/juneya/happy-pharrell-fareal. This song truly makes me smile and want to dance.

Music has such power to assist our efforts to condition our emotions. Whether happy, sad, angry, in love, grateful or any emotion you have, there is a song that massages your heart, mind, and psyche.  I hope you all have some really "go to" happy songs because Lord knows, we all need them.

Be Blessed Loved Ones!

Stay TRU

ZO! - COUNT TO FIVE ft. GWEN BUNN & PHONTE (Official Music Video)

Enduring Your Weeping Hours

One of the loneliest and heaviest feelings I have ever experienced, by far, has been the overwhelming outpouring of tears through swollen eyelids, hurting head, heavy heart and hopeless emotions. Tonight, I don't have a heavy heart and I am not crying but I'm reflecting on past moments I have been terribly broken and I think of others who, in a single moment, can't handle pressure and break down. It could be a traumatic occurrence or something that is eating away at you in your daily life that causes such an emotional reaction. I was once asked "How do you prevent yourself from getting depressed?"  My reply, "I can't. I can, however, pray and begin to identify the triggers for depression when I'm not in a depressed state.  For me, it's more about the reaction to a sadness that can either send you spiraling into a depression or allow you to push through it, all the while acknowledging how you feel." There are no two people that handle depression the same but you can find a way to not be swallowed up by it. 

The last few days, I have been overcome with an need to improve, not just my way of life but my way of thinking about myself.  I'm not self-loathing or anything but many times I have felt like I'd been dealt a horrible hand in life and not just physically but emotionally.

I look at my face, my body, my hair and other things that I wish were so much different and I feel like the world is looking at me and hoping I'd go away.  It's hard when there is a standard of beauty or success that depends on how others view you.  The bad part is we take how we think others see us and infuse that into our thoughts about ourselves.  When you spend so much time feeling awkward about yourself, any and every other issue that comes your way is amplified because your emotions and self image are already delicate. 

Personally, I have learned that this version of Tru is what I have.  I can't make myself anyone else and I don't want to.  I have spent so much time wondering if I'm lovable that I forgot to answer my own question by loving myself. The people in the world who seek others because they feel I'm not good enough to love, accept or I don't fit into the kind of friend, partner, employee that they want have the right to seek another but it's how you handle the rejection that sends you into the depth of depression, if you allow it.  This weekend I have been watching many health documentaries and there was a doctor in one of the documentaries who said she tells her patients to look in the mirror every day and say this following affirmation: 

                        "I accept myself unconditionally, right now."

 I love this because when you start to appreciate you and the path you are one, you can start to reorganize your thoughts and emotion which ultimately leads to you revamping how you think of your journey forward and those that may or may not accompany you on your journey.  Some of us may walk the road alone but always accept yourself unconditionally as you are at this moment. That doesn't mean you don't want change and you will never get sad again but these little tips may just help you endure those weeping hours; one affirmation at a time.

You are strong.  You are beautiful. You are exactly who you are suppose to be right now and for everyone who turns away from you, there is someone coming towards you. Don't be afraid to accept yourself.  

Honesty.

Most times, when we speak of honesty, we speak of being honest with someone else regarding an uncomfortable topic that could potentially result in the other's dissatisfaction with our feelings, opinion or the pointing out of a denied fact.

Today, however, I am writing about honesty with one's own self. Realizing there has been a lapse in what you have allowed yourself to believe or deny is such a challenge for the average person but when you have to believe or deny facts about yourself, there lies the biggest challenge. No one wants to confess that they are flawed unless they are already self loathing or have a low self image but when you think you have it all together, how do you handle the fact that you aren't as together as you thought you were?

The first way to deal with understanding the truth about yourself is to know that you are human and can and/or will succumb to the same problems, obstacles, challenges, temptations, and vices that causes many people to fall.  Humanity, in its most basic definition, is flawed and that's why we can identify with one another with empathy. There is no perfect human because there will always be a level or skill or understanding that humans will not ever reach. Perfection is subjective therefore, there can never be a central control room that holds the perfect perfection formula for humanity.  People will fall. People will be wrong.  People will choose the wrong thing. People will dislike. People will argue. People will be tempted and people will give into some temptations.  In fact, some people will tell you that they love, what some consider, flaws. How can perfect people appreciate imperfection?  Is that even possible?

The second way to deal with understanding the truth about yourself is to stop expecting others to be perfect or understand you without knowing the depths of who you are.  For example, when we are relationships, we get upset if our significant other is not understanding enough or attentive enough about a particular situation that we have yet to communicate with them about. We also look for them to never mess up or never disagree and when the uncomfortable moment comes where we have to look at them in the eyes and disagree, before wanting to deal with that moment, many people just give up because they don't want to work at being transparent in front of someone. If you want relationship of nothing but happy times and agreement, you aren't being honest with yourself.

Another way to deal with being honest with yourself is acknowledging that sometimes you will have to alter your vision and your plans.  Whether it's a relationship that you can't bear to walk away from or if it's a career path that you decide isn't right for you.  Nothing about relationships or personal objectives are written in stone; unless, of course, you actually write it in stone and if that's the case...REALLY?  Thing change and people change and after chasing a goal for years or loving someone for a long time, you may realize that where you are in your life now isn't where you were when those relationships began.  There is nothing wrong with changing course as long as you change for the better.  Don't throw a relationship or goal away because it's difficult.  Alter how you approach your objectives and you may find a better way to deal with whatever obstacles you have without casualties.

The heart is a tricky thing.  We long for love and success and our emotions become addicted to that warm fond feeling of loving someone and having that love returned. In fact, some people are addicted to expressing love even when the other party has, in so many way, shown, expressed, or proven that they are not on the same wavelength you are when it comes to love and affection. Being honest with yourself may require you to look at your situation through someone else's eyes to point out thing that you have glazed over because you are sooooo in love or in soooooo much denial. I don't say this to say if someone else tells you something is wrong you just follow whatever they say but some times you are so deep in a situation that you can't see the broad scope of the situation.  Even when it comes to other personal choices like career or friends, we "feel" a certain way and go with it instead of thinking first.  Everyone should have that level-headed friend who thinks when you feel.  There is an old DeBarge song that I use to love called "The Heart is Not So Smart".  Some of the lyrics are:

"The heart's been broken, it's been bruised and it's been burned. So after that you think, 'Hey a lesson might be learned.' But you keep falling for those same lies every time. Sometimes, the heart can be so blind."

I love that song and have always carried that with me.  For example, I really want my bachelor's degree and I've been trying so hard for so long to get it.  My heart is growing weary because I feel like I'll never get it but I've learned to not be so dependent upon my heart and appreciated my mind for thinking  around my feelings.

Life isn't perfect and neither are we.  It's time to be honest about who we are because if we can't be completely honest about who we are, we can and will not be honest with anyone else about who we are. We spend so much time covering up who we are and our faults that we become so comfortable with the denial and the outright lies we tell ourselves and others.  The biggest problem we have is acknowledging our faults and lies and actually changing what and how we handle situations.  I have learned that some people are so comfortable that even though they know they are lying, they are more willing to continue with the self lies than change for the better.  some people will spend years lying instead of being honest and not having to worry about being "found out".

I have always said "You never have to lie your way out of honesty."

One love!

Never Too Late to Make Time for a Dream

I guess it was meant for me to write this blog today because I was thinking I should blog this evening but I didn't want to type from my phone and my computer at home won't stop typing the letter "f". Lol however, I happen to look down at my phone and my blog app was open and a blank post was waiting for me to start typing so, of course I am obedient to the random happenings around me so of course... I type.

At this time of beginning this blog I am on the bus closing in on my home destination but while I sat on my three buses home I honestly reflected on where I am in my life and where I would like to be. Many people aren't happy with the current state of their lives but they also don't know where they want to be or where they want to go.  We roam this life hoping that, by chance, things "work out" but it isn't until years go by and we notice that there are really people out there who still believe in their own dreams and we can't help but stop and wonder where we strayed from our path and more importantly, can and how do we find our way back on track.

The great news is that as long as we have life we have an opportunity to fulfill our dreams and destinies. Sometimes, however, finding one path to follow is rather difficult and, I will gladly be transparent for a moment to be an example of someone seeking her right path.

(Gonna try to make this quick but please don't hold your breath. Lol.)

Age 4  - I wanted to play the piano and asked for a piano for the next 11 years until I realized...I wasn't getting a piano.

Around the same age (4 yo) I wanted to tap dance and this has stayed with me until today. Lo, I am not a tap dancer but have danced to myself over the years to keep the love of the art alive in my soul.

Wrote stories and plays in elementary school and even directed one with a cast and everything. That was the last time I performed one of my plays. Later I would proceed toward acting but...yeah. Let's move on. Smh

 Let's fast forward to high school, shall we? My desire was to attend The Duke Ellington School of the Arts in Washington, DC as a visual artist. Throughout my entire youth I loved to draw. Visual Arts was my first and really only choice for Ellington but lo, again, I had no portfolio or anything to show but because I wanted to get to Ellington, I decided I would get in under another department then transfer to the VA dept. My second choice...theater dept. I had a hard time deciding on a monologue because I was clueless so I proceeded with my third and easiest choice for me...vocal music dept.
I chose a song, practiced, and the day of the audition, I waited in the tan painted hallway of the music floor with other nervous hopefuls, who would later become some of my best friends, and waited to be called to sing my song.  Well, I was called in to a room where an older gentleman sat at a piano waiting for me. Nervous, I breathed a breath of "let's get this over with" and the stern faced older gentleman behind the piano introduced himself as Dr. Dash. Later I would study vocal techniques under the instruction of his wife, Mrs. Dorothy Dash.

Okay, I was ready to sing my song, My Tribute (To God be the Glory), but first I had to sing scales and such to display my range. After a few scales, the older gentleman behind the piano smiles and says, "Thank you. I don't think you need to sing your song." he then thanked me and sent me on my way. I was in!

Four years, one jacked up recital later I graduated Ellington more confused than when I began. Thinking I was hurting others, I stupidly decided that I would not sing again.  The ignorance of youth. Fast forward to the present where I have completed an architecture program, photography programs, audio engineering and music management program and have written so many songs, poetry and other writings that I feel like if I learn one more thing I'm going to push information out of my brain.

Even though this story is not brief at all, O_O, I look at my life to see where I veered  away from my path and passion and I ALWAYS end up with thoughts of when I graduated from the 6th grade. All the graduates were asked what we wanted to be when we grew up. While the other students said the standard canned responses like President, lawyer, doctor, and police officer, I gave a response that no one else gave and I still have the graduation program, somewhere, with, my choice. And what did Tara want to be?

A musician.

Sometimes it is good to revisit the desires of your heart as a child because it could shed light on where you may really should be. Sometime your desires may change but I can almost promise you that you still love some of the same things you did as a child. Help facilitate your children's dreams so 30 years later they won't still be wondering if they could have done more.

As for me, Im going to finish sketching this picture and tomorrow I will practice a few music pieces.

I finally got my piano. (^_^)

Searching for Peace

"Love is available to you at the very moment you think it's the furthest from you."

TRU Essence

I had a conversation with a family member who is feeling lost, alone and unsure that she can make it beyond this day.  Many times our feelings are in direct conflict with our knowledge of who we really are and how much strength we really possess.   Knowing that words don't always help in a situation like that, I had to start with telling her how much I love her and that even in this moment, she is stronger than her worries; stronger than her fears; stronger than her loneliness; stronger than the situation that brought her to this place.  She is stronger than her adversary. 

We often look so far into the future based on our current situation and see a more amplified version of the present.  We often neglect what we know about the strength we have acquired to get where we are and feel like we will faint in the face of struggles.  We look at our issues and weigh the fairness of it and feel like if life is unfair in this situation, life will always be unfair to me.  The truth is sometimes life is very unfair.  Living this life isn't about fairness. Life isn't about everything going the way we want it to go or us being shown favor in every situation.  Sometimes, people will take things from you that isn't there. Sometimes someone will give you something that's not yours. Sometimes you will not receive the things you want no matter how much you want them but trust this: God sees it all and if you can say you are hurting you still have another chance for happiness and growth!

Trust when I say that I understand the valley experience.  We all have them.  They may differ in circumstances but what we feel from them still equates to a pain that, for the individual, feels unique.

It's difficult to find peace in a situation that is birthed from chaos.  People of faith don't always draw from that same faith but, even if for a moment, fall to the worry and doubt that the world has told us is unavoidable, necessary and never ending.  Our feelings are not always reliable, especially when you KNOW how strong you are.

I'm learning everyday that I'm stronger than I feel.  We all are.  You are.  Peace is available when you get to a place to shut out the loud noise of chaos and draw on your strength.  I'm not saying the issues will go away but how you react to them may.  I pray we all continue growing in peace and encourage each other to do so.  We all need to be mindful of any contribution we may have to the chaos we facilitate in the lives of people we suppose to love and even the people we claim we don't love.  If you spread chaos, that's what will come back to you.  If you share peace, even in the chaotic moments you will be able to retain some of that peace to carry you through. Live isn't easy but it doesn't have to break you. 

Be @ Peace Loved Ones!!!

Real Life Requires Real...


Stay TRU  

VALENTINE'S DAY: A Rose with Many Thornes

I had a discussion with my friend to day and asked him what he was doing on Valentine's Day.  It wasn't a surprise to me that he hadn't given much consideration to doing anything on Valentine's Day since he has already stated he didn't like the day and of course I had to ask him why. 

***Side Note: Sometimes, just don't ask any questions because the answers will, most likely, not make since to you or just seem pretty ridiculous but it's their viewpoint so you have to respect it.***

I told him he didn't tell me why and why are men always scared they will have to spend some money.  Well, my friends, I was told, ehem,  "It's like Christmas. It ain't your birthday so why all the gifts?", then he proceeds to say that hopefully he's shown his love year round and women always trying to get money spent on them. smh...

Well, here is my perspective on any holiday or special day set aside to recognize a particular purpose or cause.  Valentine's Day does have very specific historical meaning. For me to get into St. Valentine and why the day exist will be too cumbersome. Besides, I have written about that before in detail and I'd rather not get into that now.  You all are big boys and girls and can research that at your leisure.  The truth is we acknowledge these days and celebrate as symbolic gestures to stop and remember the important things of life. Well, most holidays have some greater symbolic meaning and all we do is pause to acknowledge it.  Have these days become commercialized? Surely, they have but they have become more commercial by those who are generating income from these day and not everyone focuses on the monetary "inconvenience" it may impose.  For some reason, the monetary "inconvenience is amplified on days where some people are encouraged to purchase or just show appreciation for someone else with a gift of some kind. Doesn't have to be a huge expensive gift  but a simple acknowledgement. I have heard people fight so hard against Christmas and Valentines Day because "IT'S COMMERCIAL" and "IT'S ALL ABOUT MONEY".

For example: a person will spend an entire paycheck to buy food for one day, sit around participating in gluttony and sloth and say that it's all in the name of THANKSGIVING. Saying a prayer before dinner doesn't cancel out the fact that you just spent your rent money on food you're gonna scarf down in a few hours. How about all the Halloween candy and party favors? 4th of July cookout fixin's and decorations?  What about St. Patrick's Day?  PEOPLE WHO AREN'T EVEN IRISH WILL CELEBRATE THIS BUT GIVE VALENTINE'S DAY THE BUSINESS. 

Well, Christmas' gift giving tradition stems from the gifts given to the Christ Child and grew to be symbolic as sign of showing love towards friends and family in celebration to the gift that was given to the world. No one ever said a dime had to be spent. As the world has changed, the love of money has taken root in may and has tainted the meaning of these days. Yes, we should love and acknowledge our friends and family daily but with the hustle and bustle of everyday, we, sometimes, take for granted the people who are important to us so these days are like a reminder in society's calendar to stop and say "I love you." Valentine's Day is about love.  It appears to me, sometimes, that even when we try to stop and focus on love, people still let the worry of money cause them to restrict their ability to show love on the day set aside for that purpose alone. The flowers are wonderful.  The dinners are great.  Trinkets are pretty. Gifts are wonderful and yes, women like to receive gifts. Who doesn't? All I can say on Valentine's Day is even if you show love everyday, Valentine's Day shouldn't cause such a problem, now, should it?  The people who never show love may have a problem because now the focus is put on them to step out of who they are to do something out of their comfort zone.  Bottom line, men don't want to feel like they are being made to buy something to show they love someone and women are emotional creatures and SOMETIMES an act of love and appreciation goes a long way with us.